They asked me what love felt like. I've only been in love once.

"Oof!" someone complained as the tall Choi boy bumped into someone, papers flew all over the place, and annoyed Choi huffed as he got on the floor to get everything. It wasn't in his personality to convey any emotion, but he was late, irritated and already annoyed by the fact that he was late for his meeting, bumping into someone wasn't on his agenda. But his chocolate orbs caught his as the male who bumped into him gave him the last of his papers.

"Hey, I'm sorry about that," he said nonchalantly, his brunette hair properly moussed so one could see his sweet chocolate eyes. And the male scoffed, not really caring that he was apologizing for it. But, it was an accident, they both knew that, but he caught him at the wrong time, the wrong moment on the wrong day. If he was in his right mind, Choi would say he was cute. He had to be younger than him, the way his innocent eyes shone or the way his lips curved into a small smile, it was cute, really, he was cute.

"Minho, you've already been late for one meeting. The boss is going to kick your if you're late for the next," one of his cocky co-workers Jonghyun added. Minho growled as he helped the other male up (his hands were soft and gentle), smoothing out his suit and adjusting his tie once again. The other male chuckled in amusement, grabbed his briefcase and said a thing before he left.

"Lee Taemin."

It was a name that would somehow be implanted in his brain for next time.

*

Seeing him everywhere I went, well, that was an accident.

His eyes fell upon him. He was tall, he had big brown eyes that protrayed an unwelcoming innocence. His stoic demeanor wasn't in sync with his actual personality. He knew him well enough to know that Choi Minho was really a bumbling romantic, but he wouldn't say anything about it.

Lee Taemin knew Minho, if that was actually possible. After their first meeting, he would appear everywhere. The man left an impression and a bump on his forehead for being so muscular and lean. He waved every time he passed by and in response, the older male would smile and wave back, but then his eyes would revert back to their emotionless ways and he would smirk every time Jonghyun cracked at a joke. He wasn't funny, but Taemin wasn't either so he was okay with it. The only time Taemin would talk to Minho was when Minho was waiting for his bus.

The male in the suit would huddle up on the bus bench, his hands in his coat pockets, shivering because of the winter cold. It was odd really, this man who was always emotionless and almost arrogant, would sit there and shiver like a pathetic little man. When he said something, it was nothing that his physical prescence would utter.

"Have you ever been in love?" he asked one day when they were both waiting for the bus. Taemin was a good ten centimeters away from the male, and they didn't maintain an actual conversation until now. Their conversations had always been formal and impersonal, for him to ask him something like that, well, it was interesting. The brunette blinked a few times, staring at Minho's jet black hair and smirked. 

"Twice. I was attracted to a male, and then to a female," he said nonchalantly. People in the area didn't appreciate it. They were rather replused by his attraction to a male, but he shrugged it off. For people who mattered, they didn't care for his uality. He was a person, and that was just it, he was a person. 

It was as if Taemin was expecting the male to be shocked that he confessed he loved a male, but he hummed, sipped on his now lukewarm coffee before the snow started falling and he smiled. It irritated him a bit, just a little, Taemin didn't understand why he was so amused by this tidbit of information, but he didn't say anything, he didn't like to pry for more information. 

"Ah. Well, that was interesting," Minho hummed, not saying another word, threw the rest of the coffee into the trash and got up from the bench. His bus was here and Taemin watched as he slowly got on his bus. 

"I like you, Taemin," Minho said with a smile. 

(He wasn't sure why, but his cheeks started to burn and it was enough for him to smile for the rest of the day.)

*

And at first, it was interesting.

They met each other at a coffee shop close by. His eyes lingered on his figure, his effeminate figure, he was almost his height and he had the same brown eyes he did, but he was different. He was mature and prideful not like the others said about him. His eyes landed on his, with a soft smile, he appeared by his side, drinking on his hot cider as Minho gulped down his bitter coffee. 

"You ready for that meeting today?" Taemin asked. It was funny that he was asking him that, Taemin knew him better than he knew himself. The male just smirked and shrugged his shoulders, indicating that yes, he was ready but he didn't have much confidence in himself. Taemin chuckled as he continued to sip on his cider. "I shouldn't have asked that, huh?" he continued. Minho nodded his head, glancing at him once again. 

"Are you ready for your presentation?" Minho asked curiously, his big eyes showing that shy innocence. The male chuckled again, almost feeling the hot cider burn his the roof of his mouth and it was definitely not the only thing that was burning. Taemin shrugged his shoulders, and Minho noticed the way his eyes twitched, just a tiny bit as he said that. 

"You're nervous," Minho stated. Taemin shocked, started to deny it defensively, again and again, then he started trying to make coherent words and sounds, but it didn't work as well as he wanted it to. How he could read him so easily, he would never understand. "You'll be fine," Minho reassured, making sure he knew it. And then, that rare smile of Minho's appeared, and Taemin was okay. He was reassured. He was fine, he knew that maybe he would get through it with that one smile. The watch on the elder's wrist started beeping, the man cursed and got up from his seat. Before he left, he looked once at the male and smiled again. 

"You need a ride?" Minho asked. 

There was a nod from the younger, and Minho smiled, took his hand, leading him to the parking lot where his car was. Minho's hands felt rough and calloused like they were experienced and broken. But Taemin wasn't the type to pry into a topic that he wasn't wanted in.

"I told you. You were fine!" Minho said jovially, ruffling the male's hair. It was as though they were friends now. Their meeting months ago led them being the best of pals. Taemin chuckled, rolling his eyes as he felt his jet brown eyes boring into his.

"You're such a kid sometimes," he added with a slight shake of his head. It was that comment when Minho noticed Taemin's bright eyes become dull with a twinge of disappointment. "It's not a bad thing. Being a grown up is too much work," Minho added. But Taemin stopped walking, looking down at the ground, he stared at the cement and not up to his face. It wasn't something he liked hearing. He heard a lot, he heard that he was the younger brother that everyone loved, he heard that everyone thought he was a sweetheart, always happy and smiling, it was stupid. It bothered him that Minho would even bring up that topic. 

"You don't get it though, do you?" Taemin asked, his lips quivering as he said so. "No one looks at you and thinks: 'oh, he's weak and too feminine.' They look at me and think I'm some little kid. You know me better than the rest, but yet, you call me a kid. Haven't I proven to you that I'm not pretty little kid yet?" he continued. His eyes finally found his, and it was as though he was angered. 

"I never thought you were that. You're the most mature person I've met here. They may think that, but every time I see you rushing around, shouting at workers and being in charge, well, I'm perhaps envious. I smirk and laugh at people, but I never have the ability to command. That's why I'm envious, being a kid meant you weren't afraid to mess up. What I meant by being a kid was that you worried over little things like little kids and their toys. I never thought you weren't."

Minho felt himself being pulled into this, his fingers laced with his as his lips touched his. It was soft and gentle and forgiving, Taemin wrapped his arms around his waist, letting him kiss him, slow and steady like a waltz. Minho pulled away and he smiled softly. 

"You're quite queer, Taemin." 

It was heaven for the both of them. 

And for awhile, they were like that. His hands would always clapse his, and his softness was perfect for his callouses. They were quiet, never talking about the kiss. Once in awhile, Taemin would kiss his cheek and Minho would chuckle, ruffling his brunette hair in the process. It was a blossoming relationship, in between the small gestures and the shy glances were two people who longed to be together.

*

And he was lovely.

"We can't be together," Taemin stated. Minho sighed, grabbing the rest of his coffee and dumping it into the trash. They knew it had to be. His fingers laced with his, waiting almost waiting for Taemin to squeeze and say something good would happen to the both of them.

Minho sighed again and squeezed his hand for some kind of support. They were quiet for a bit, Taemin sipped on his coffee and Minho was the first to say something. It was odd, he never talked of these things, he was a mystery and when he uttered something, well, it was almost mystifying to him. 

"The first person I ever loved said that too. We used to fool around in his bedroom, it was supposed to be an one-night stand, but he was the only one I loved. He had such pretty brunette hair, wavy at the right places, his fingers were almost intangible, if that was ever possible. He was supposed to be an one night stand, but one drink led to another, and he finally became a friend with benefits. Then he became a relationship that was never supposed to happen."

He never heard him utter so many things at one time. And his once emotionless face became drenched with emotions that were foreign to someone like Taemin. Another pause in his words, and his pause became more than a pause, it was a heart breaking scream, so silent that it broke him. And in that moment, Taemin almost saw a tear, almost, but Minho regained his composure and looked at him in the same Minho way. 

"I loved him. I did. His lips were my alcohol, his hands wrapped around my waist, and for a moment I thought I didn't have to play the protector, the stoic man in the relationship, but I was Julius and he was Brutus. As soon it happened, it disappeared. 'We can't be together, we could never be together.' And I bitterly laughed, I laughed as though he was kidding around, but it hurt all the same." 

It was quiet again, the Choi man let go of the younger male's hand and got up from his seat. His eyes were desolate, it was as if someone stole his soul and he was now nothing. There was a bitter laugh from the older male, and he left, not saying another word.

Taemin finally realized that the older male said 'him' instead of 'her.'

*

But things would fall apart.

And sometimes he would kiss him, and when they kissed, his fingers laced with his, their tongues would fight, Taemin would always win, lead and find himself squeezing Minho's fingers a little too hard. And Minho had to catch his breath in between kisses. And, it was then when Taemin figured out that he was terrified of this. Terrified of being in love again, terrified that he might be thrown away the moment someone better came along. Those broken scars from before, seemed to reopen when they kissed, when they were drunk, when everything was okay, they were open all over again.

It wasn't as though Minho wanted it to happen. It was almost natural really, after being playing along in this game of love, he was broken. And it was his fault, maybe if he wasn't so naive when it came to love, maybe, just maybe, he could love Taemin like he loved him. Maybe, he could love his dark hair, his sly smiles, his prideful glances and his loving personality.

"I used to know a boy, long hair, perfect eyes, lips were rosy red. It was middle school, at the time, I didn't know what this emotion felt like, love, it wasn't even love. It was a crush, but I was only eleven, still awkward and gau as time passed by. What I thought was me being sick, was really a crush that would stay quietly pounding against my heart. I never loved him, but I considered him as a love," Taemin stated one day, his fingers were laced with Minho's, sitting at the bench, they sat there and Minho absorbing everything from the mature younger man.

Their fingers would unlace as the bus came to a halt, their eyes lingered for a little over a second, and suddenly, they told each other what they were dying to say to each other, but it wasn't as though they understood each other. They were close, but they could never be that close.

Minho would fall apart a little bit more every time he saw him. This strong man wasn't strong and every time he sat at the bench, waiting for the bus, Taemin would slip a kiss on his cheek, running his finger against his face as though he was supposed to. They weren't together, they weren't. And Minho would stiffen, his cheeks would turn bright red and he would kiss him on the lips, first softly, but then Taemin would change course. Minho never really understood why he would do that, but he went with it, pretending that it was all okay.

A moment later it would stop, they would converse as if things never happened, and it was as though nothing happened. As though nothing could ever happen.

"Do you love me?" Taemin asked. His fingers ran through the male's brunette hair, and he stiffened as he felt Taemin's breath against his skin, smelling the rich cologne and the smell of coffee upon his tongue. He shuttered at the thought. The brunette glanced into his chocolate eyes, taking in every detail like a statue. It was then when Minho kissed his lips, kissed so hard that Taemin felt a little dizzy, he felt like something was going to happen, but the older male pulled away with a haunting look on his face and instantly, the man broke. 

"Not really," he mused. There was a silence, and Minho got on his bus, not realizing that he broke his heart, that on the inside he was crumbling away. It was as though he was used to this pain. It was as if he was used to telling others with his husky chocolate voice that he never loved him. 

*

And I watched from afar, hoping this was right.

Minho's orbs lingered longer on the male who was bumbling around, his eyes had bags, his demeanor was now clumsy, disfunctional after his confession. And it pained him as the brunette would run around with a blank look on his face. And, his smile started to dissipate as Taemin passed him without a smile, without anything, with a void of emotions. It was as though someone took a moment out of their lives to throw the dagger into his back. 

He never saw him at the buses anymore, he never saw him smile at work, he just watched, his eyes as curious as a cat, watching him. Others noticed it and asked Minho about it, about him, about everything, but he shrugged his shoulders. Human beings were nosy things and he despised every one of them. Another moment passed and there was a spill on the ground, his eyes wandered to the male who was splattered on the ground, confused and dazed as tried to figure out what was happening.

Minho sighed, got on the floor and he helped the younger with his papers, not meeting his eyes as he mumbled a thank you, but he wanted to mutter something in general. He wanted to say what he meant to say when Taemin asked him that question, but it was too late. He had long forgotten him for someone else then. His interest in a man like him was taken away. And that new girl, that stupid new girl, Jinri, seemed to be taking his interest. 

She was cute. She was pretty, she was bouncy with her curly locks and happy with those grins that reached her ears, she was someone who Taemin needed. It was as though he didn't need him when she was around him. He was happy with her, he was amazed by her, and Minho just watched as he walked away, walked away from his life, from his days, from his everything. And, it never went away. It never would go away. 

"Minho?" Taemin asked as he saw him linger against his doorframe, his tall and lanky figure leaning against his door, waiting for him to come out. "What are you doing here?" he questioned, his brows furrowing together in confusion. 

"I just wanted to ask you if you ever loved me," he said nonchalantly as if Taemin wasn't pulling on his heart strings. There was a silence. The younger male looked at him with his innocent eys and then there was nothing. 

"Not really," he imitated. And Minho's heart fell apart, broken by his two words, the male smirked and went back into his office, obviously satisified by his cocky answer. Except, Minho sighed, his fingers ached to intertwine with his delicate fingers, and all of a sudden a void took over. Nothing felt right anymore. 

*

 I realized I loved him.

"I've loved one person," Minho slurred as his co-workers watched him guzzle at the alcohol, slowly and surely, the pure alcohol burned his throat, but it was something he adored. Jonghyun watched in pure pity as Minho raised his hand for another one, and another one, and another one.

"Taemin was the only one," he continued, his head ashamed with so much disgust as he continued to ramble on and on about how Taemin smelled like strawberries, or how he'd always put extra sugar in his coffee because it had to be sweet like he was. There was a laugh from his husky voice, a forced, broken laugh as Jonghyun took away his alcohol.

And Jonghyun figured out why he said he didn't love him that day and it was painful to hear him cry over a boy who used to be his everything, months, months after they were so close. Taemin who was sitting a few seats away only listened, his ears pricking in hatred as he continued to listen while Minho didn't realize he was there.

"He deserved better, don't you think? Not some ed up person who was still afraid of love after he was jilted. And really, what was I supposed to say? Tell a man I knew for almost a year that yes, yes, I was truly in love with you, but I'm scared that you'll break my heart like he did? What kind of  a coward am I?" Minho rambled, his eyes jolting back and forth, waiting for a response. There was another laugh that made Taemin smile a little. And, Minho shrugged his shoulders, then started swaying back and forth as he started walking away from the bar, from the world, from his reality.

It was scary that Minho loved him.

*

"Hey," Taemin mumbled. It was the first thing the boy heard from him. They didn't talk for weeks, they didn't catch glances or smile at each other in months, he looked up, his eyes shadowing regret and pain. It was pleasant to even hear his sweet voice at even twelve am, standing in front of his door, with that stupid smile of his.

It was then when Minho silently let the boy in, let him sit on his couch and ask for coffee. He hadn't change, not one bit, he was quiet, a bit sassy and mature as always.

"Why?" Taemin asked.

"I didn't need to be hurt by anyone again. it was as though it was repeating, you and me. I loved you, but who could love someone like me?" Minho asked, his insecurities coming alive with every word he uttered. It was silent for awhile before Minho started gulping his coffee. It would have to be a long night.

"I thought..."

"Your words wouldn't hurt?" he asked.

"I thought you didn't like me. So I thought that it would make me feel better if I said the same words that meant nothing," Taemin continued. There was a silence, the male took out a cigarette, blowing smoke rings, making the living room fuzzy and hazy as he did, just like everything in his reality was. It was painful to see Minho finding his old addiction, his own habit come back because of a horrible mistake. And he continued to smoke as Taemin awkwardly fiddled with his fingers, (though Minho really longed to touch them, to kiss them, to run his fingers through those chocolate locks, twirl his fingers around those locks and maybe he could be his again). "But, I was wrong. I was wrong from the beginning," he stated with a panic calmness.

Minho smirked, his face grimacing as he did so, this wasn't right. It was as though Minho knew this was going to happen, he threw the cigarette away and smiled all over again, it was forced, it was painful, it was as though he was longing for him to attack him, to say that he always loved him, to say that the year they spent together was worth every minute, second, hour, but he didn't. The young man didn't say anything. 

"I love you," Minho stated. And all of a sudden, the other male pressed his lips against his, his arms wrapped around his waist, he took control of him at that moment, and time started to stop, the memories of them started playing all over again, again and again. And for some odd reason, it was painful. Every minute he was enjoying his kiss seemed to be a game of Russian Roulette, and he was anxiously waiting for one of them to break his heart into itty bitty pieces. 

It was too late. This love was suffocating. Running back to him hurt more than he thought it would. This love wasn't worth it, this love hurt more than anything else, but he didn't pull away, like a drink of beer, it burned as it traveled through his lips, every memory burned in his mind, the past was the past, but every moment they spent kissing, he felt a pang of disdain. And, he deserved so much better than a frog like Minho. 

*

His dream was broken.

"He died," Taemin said, his eyes void of any emotion. It was as though Minho dying took a part of him with him. It was only a year and a half when he met him. It was only a year and a half, his lips started quivering, every part of his body was trembling, knowing that he was dead and he could have stopped it, well, he was guilty, he was guilty for throwing him away. He was guilty for leaving him when he said a few words. 

Jonghyun rubbed the boy's back, his vision was starting to blur. If only he knew, if only he knew that he loved him, if only, if only. And now here was a grown boy, weeping on the ground, trembling with every broken thought. It was too late. It was too late to tell him what he needed to hear. The older male rubbed the back again, trying to make him feel better. It didn't work, nothing worked, he was dying all alone, he was a kid who needed his adult. He needed Minho more than anyone else. 

There would be no more drinking coffee waiting for the buses, there would be no more coffee dates, no more smoking on the terrace, there would be no more kissing on winter days or make out sessions by the staircase, there would be no more smiles and no more waves at work, there would be a void where Taemin's heart might have been. It was quiet, silent as he continued to grieve. 

Because that was the problem with love, once you got into it, all the pain became worse, all the fights and arguments took a toll and that was when every single inch of worthless words became true love. And the boy cried again at the thought of it. And he needed someone better than him, it was too late. It was all too late. And he fell apart, waiting for someone like Minho to come back.

*

I used to love someone. He used to tell me that everything would be okay. He used to play with my hair when I decided to sleep over, he used to buy me coffee when I told him he shouldn't. He was like a Daisy while I was Jay. I wanted more and more, I wanted this dream, but he could never measure up. Or, that's what he thought. I always loved him no matter how unmeasureable he could be. Despite the days when we weren't together, I longed for him. I used to love someone And, he was my only true love.