Chapter 1
Shattered
Let me make one thing perfectly clear, I love Park Chanyeol. I have loved him for years, he is the only one in the world who has my heart. But that just isn’t enough to keep being faithful to him. As hard as I try, as much as I want to be, no matter how much I love him, or how much I know it hurts him. I just can’t stay away. I’m addicted to a boy with a white-blonde hair and cold eyes, a boy who doesn’t even know the meaning of the word ‘love’. He’s abusive, he hurts me every time we’re together, and he wants to be hurt in return. I guess I kind of need that pain, that’s probably why I can’t stay away from him. Chanyeol is so sweet, and so loving, and so painfully gentle. I can’t handle it. It’s not enough. I need more than he can give me, and I know he tries, he always takes care of me, and he always puts my pleasure before his own. But it’s not the pleasure that i’m addicted to, it’s not the pleasure that I need from him. I need the pain, and he just can’t bring himself to hurt me. Part of the reason why I love him so much is because he can’t do those things to me. I’m not sure I could be in a relationship, or whatever you want to call this, if he could.
I’m actually in bed with him now, laying with my back flush against his chest, his arm wrapped around my waist and holding me close. Like he’s afraid i’m going to leave, which is a valid fear. I always leave, and I know that he knows it too. This night is no different, even though i’m fighting with myself. Trying to tell myself to just stay, for one night, just stay. I don’t have to hurt him like this, but my body just won’t obey. No matter how much my mind pleads with it, I can already feel myself sliding out from under Chanyeol’s arm and moving towards the edge of the bed. I had just swung my legs over the side when I heard him speak, “Baek?” He whispered, and I turned my head to look at him. He was sitting up, half propped up on his elbow, still obviously more asleep than awake. His hair messy from our early activities, its honestly a precious sight. I wished I wasn’t about to destroy with what I was doing. “Please...” He begged softly. I could see, even in the darkness of the room, the tears shining in his eyes. I wanted to reach out and comfort him. I wanted to tell him that I wouldn’t leave. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. “Don’t go.” His voice broke that time, and I had to turn my head away. I already felt like dirt, no I was lower than dirt, I don’t know why Chanyeol kept letting me come back. Especially when I always hurt him like this.
Slowly I stood up off the bed whispering a soft, “I’m sorry, Channie.” As I pulled my clothes on, pausing at the doorway to look back at him one more time. He was still watching me with those teary eyes, he hadn’t moved, he wouldn’t try to get up and stop me. He never did. “I love you.” I told him, though the words sounded empty to my ears, probably because I knew I was a horrible person, and I had no right to tell him that now. But I did mean it, think what you will about me, I did mean it. As I walked out of the room I heard the faint sound of Chanyeol sobbing and I felt like a hot knife had been stabbed through my heart, but I kept walking away. I wanted to be back in bed with him, I wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him that everything would be okay. That I was done, that I was only his from now on. But lying would only make this worse. It was better to just be honest with him, I was never going to be able to stop.
I grabbed my keys off the kitchen counter and slipped out the front door of the apartment, climbing into my car and starting it. Looking up at the window of the bedroom I knew Chanyeol would still be in. His heart broken all over again because of me. He didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve to hurt so much. He should have just kicked me out a long time ago and told me to leave. I would have accepted it, it’s the least I deserve for what I do to him. But he doesn’t. Every morning he welcomes me back with a smile on his face, always so happy to see me, always so eager to help me patch up whatever cuts and bruises I come back with. I think he’s convinced that he can fix me, but what he doesn’t know is that i’m too broken to be fixed. Yet, he keeps trying, he’s always trying for me. And what do I show him in return for everything he’s done for me? I shatter his heart, time and time again. I hate myself for it, I really do.
I find myself pulling up to a familiar apartment across town, cutting the engine and climbing out of my car. I walk up to the door and twist the handle, it’s always unlocked, he knows i’m coming. Sometimes I like to blame him for the way I am. I tell myself it’s his fault, that he’s the reason, that if he hadn’t done this to me I might not have to hurt Chanyeol now. But I know it’s not his fault. He’s just leaving the offer open, i’m the one who insists on taking it every time. In the end I know I have no one to blame but myself. I wish I could blame him though, and as I walk into his apartment I consider doing just that. I consider just screaming at him, breaking things, throwing a tantrum. But i’ve done that before and he just accepts it all, and when i’ve run out of anger he gives me exactly what I came here for.
Sometimes he just takes me against the wall, but usually he ties me to the bed first. Depending on how angry he is, he’ll use any number of toys, from whips to knives. He likes pushing me to the very edge of my limits, see just how much pain I can handle before I lose consciousness. Honestly i’m grateful for it, at least this pain is something like justice in a twisted kind of way. I hurt Chanyeol, just so I can be hurt as well. Though the physical pain could never match up to the emotional pain I feel every time he enters me. I feel disgusting, I feel sick, I want to push him off and beg him to stop. But all that comes out of my mouth are whorish moans and pleas for more. I don’t know how he does it to me, how he can make me need exactly what makes me hate myself so much. But he does it, and tonight he’s more angry than i’ve seen him in a long time. He doesn’t go easy on me, I passed out at least three times before he finally had enough of me. I couldn’t move again until the first rays of the sun were already peaking through his curtains. I was laying on my stomach on the carpet, I could see where my blood had left a dark stain behind, and I knew i’d pay for that later when I came back. I always came back. It took me a long time to push myself to my feet, and I very nearly passed out again just from the weakness of my body. I could see him, barely through eyes that were almost swollen shut, leaning against the headboard of the bed, smoking cigarette and watching me.
He didn’t try to help me, he never did. He just watched me with a cold sort of amusement, and it wasn’t until I had reached the doorway of his bedroom that his soft voice, such a contrast to the harshness of his personality, called out to me, “Baekhyun.” I stopped almost immediately and turned around, he had climbed out of bed and was standing right behind me. I wasn’t surprised that I hadn’t heard him, I couldn’t hear much of anything over the ringing in my ears. “Next week, it will be unlocked.” He told me, pressing his lips to mine in a kiss that was so deceptively soft. It was the only time he was gentle with me. When he was reminding me that he’d be waiting for me again. I don’t know why he kept reminding me every time, he knew I would come back, I always did. But I nodded anyway and stumbled out of his house. My clothes were torn and stained in place with blood that was too bright to be anything but fresh, which meant I was bleeding again. I ignored it though and got into my car.
I don’t know how I always managed to drive back after the things he did to me, I could hardly walk, but I always managed to make it back to Chanyeol’s apartment. I sat in my car for a moment, almost praying that the door would be locked. I didn’t want him to take me back again. I wanted him to kick me out, to leave me like I deserved. But as I walked up to the front door and turned the handle, I found that door swung open easily. Just like always. I walked back inside and was immediately enveloped in strong arms. The scent of familiar cologne invading my sense and reminding me of exactly why I deserved every single ounce of pain he’d given me last night. “Baek.” He breathed out in relief, holding me close, but not tightly, he knew I was hurting. He’d been through this countless times before. “Welcome home.” He told me, and I felt the tears spill down my cheeks as he said it.
I didn’t deserve him. I was such a horrible person, he should hate me. I don’t understand why he doesn’t, why he keeps letting me back in. It was always the same, week after week. He would beg me not to go, and I would find myself leaving anyway. Only to return and be welcomed back like I hadn’t left him broken and sobbing alone in the bedroom. Like I hadn’t just slept with another man. Like I wasn’t about to do it again the next week. Like we both didn’t know that.
I knew that I loved Chanyeol. I loved him more than I could put into words. But no matter how much I loved him, I couldn’t stop myself from hurting him. I knew I was a special kind of monster, hurting someone as sweet and wonderful as Chanyeol. I knew there was a spot reserved in hell just for me. I deserved a lot more than hell. I hated myself so much and I wanted so badly to change for him, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t. It didn’t matter that I loved him, it didn’t matter that I was hurting him, in the end it changed nothing. I would leave next week, and the week after. Just like I always did, and I always would until Chanyeol finally gave up on me and stopped taking me back. But for now, I was home, and I could love him for the next six days until I had to hurt him all over again.
I’m actually in bed with him now, laying with my back flush against his chest, his arm wrapped around my waist and holding me close. Like he’s afraid i’m going to leave, which is a valid fear. I always leave, and I know that he knows it too. This night is no different, even though i’m fighting with myself. Trying to tell myself to just stay, for one night, just stay. I don’t have to hurt him like this, but my body just won’t obey. No matter how much my mind pleads with it, I can already feel myself sliding out from under Chanyeol’s arm and moving towards the edge of the bed. I had just swung my legs over the side when I heard him speak, “Baek?” He whispered, and I turned my head to look at him. He was sitting up, half propped up on his elbow, still obviously more asleep than awake. His hair messy from our early activities, its honestly a precious sight. I wished I wasn’t about to destroy with what I was doing. “Please...” He begged softly. I could see, even in the darkness of the room, the tears shining in his eyes. I wanted to reach out and comfort him. I wanted to tell him that I wouldn’t leave. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. “Don’t go.” His voice broke that time, and I had to turn my head away. I already felt like dirt, no I was lower than dirt, I don’t know why Chanyeol kept letting me come back. Especially when I always hurt him like this.
Slowly I stood up off the bed whispering a soft, “I’m sorry, Channie.” As I pulled my clothes on, pausing at the doorway to look back at him one more time. He was still watching me with those teary eyes, he hadn’t moved, he wouldn’t try to get up and stop me. He never did. “I love you.” I told him, though the words sounded empty to my ears, probably because I knew I was a horrible person, and I had no right to tell him that now. But I did mean it, think what you will about me, I did mean it. As I walked out of the room I heard the faint sound of Chanyeol sobbing and I felt like a hot knife had been stabbed through my heart, but I kept walking away. I wanted to be back in bed with him, I wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him that everything would be okay. That I was done, that I was only his from now on. But lying would only make this worse. It was better to just be honest with him, I was never going to be able to stop.
I grabbed my keys off the kitchen counter and slipped out the front door of the apartment, climbing into my car and starting it. Looking up at the window of the bedroom I knew Chanyeol would still be in. His heart broken all over again because of me. He didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve to hurt so much. He should have just kicked me out a long time ago and told me to leave. I would have accepted it, it’s the least I deserve for what I do to him. But he doesn’t. Every morning he welcomes me back with a smile on his face, always so happy to see me, always so eager to help me patch up whatever cuts and bruises I come back with. I think he’s convinced that he can fix me, but what he doesn’t know is that i’m too broken to be fixed. Yet, he keeps trying, he’s always trying for me. And what do I show him in return for everything he’s done for me? I shatter his heart, time and time again. I hate myself for it, I really do.
I find myself pulling up to a familiar apartment across town, cutting the engine and climbing out of my car. I walk up to the door and twist the handle, it’s always unlocked, he knows i’m coming. Sometimes I like to blame him for the way I am. I tell myself it’s his fault, that he’s the reason, that if he hadn’t done this to me I might not have to hurt Chanyeol now. But I know it’s not his fault. He’s just leaving the offer open, i’m the one who insists on taking it every time. In the end I know I have no one to blame but myself. I wish I could blame him though, and as I walk into his apartment I consider doing just that. I consider just screaming at him, breaking things, throwing a tantrum. But i’ve done that before and he just accepts it all, and when i’ve run out of anger he gives me exactly what I came here for.
Sometimes he just takes me against the wall, but usually he ties me to the bed first. Depending on how angry he is, he’ll use any number of toys, from whips to knives. He likes pushing me to the very edge of my limits, see just how much pain I can handle before I lose consciousness. Honestly i’m grateful for it, at least this pain is something like justice in a twisted kind of way. I hurt Chanyeol, just so I can be hurt as well. Though the physical pain could never match up to the emotional pain I feel every time he enters me. I feel disgusting, I feel sick, I want to push him off and beg him to stop. But all that comes out of my mouth are whorish moans and pleas for more. I don’t know how he does it to me, how he can make me need exactly what makes me hate myself so much. But he does it, and tonight he’s more angry than i’ve seen him in a long time. He doesn’t go easy on me, I passed out at least three times before he finally had enough of me. I couldn’t move again until the first rays of the sun were already peaking through his curtains. I was laying on my stomach on the carpet, I could see where my blood had left a dark stain behind, and I knew i’d pay for that later when I came back. I always came back. It took me a long time to push myself to my feet, and I very nearly passed out again just from the weakness of my body. I could see him, barely through eyes that were almost swollen shut, leaning against the headboard of the bed, smoking cigarette and watching me.
He didn’t try to help me, he never did. He just watched me with a cold sort of amusement, and it wasn’t until I had reached the doorway of his bedroom that his soft voice, such a contrast to the harshness of his personality, called out to me, “Baekhyun.” I stopped almost immediately and turned around, he had climbed out of bed and was standing right behind me. I wasn’t surprised that I hadn’t heard him, I couldn’t hear much of anything over the ringing in my ears. “Next week, it will be unlocked.” He told me, pressing his lips to mine in a kiss that was so deceptively soft. It was the only time he was gentle with me. When he was reminding me that he’d be waiting for me again. I don’t know why he kept reminding me every time, he knew I would come back, I always did. But I nodded anyway and stumbled out of his house. My clothes were torn and stained in place with blood that was too bright to be anything but fresh, which meant I was bleeding again. I ignored it though and got into my car.
I don’t know how I always managed to drive back after the things he did to me, I could hardly walk, but I always managed to make it back to Chanyeol’s apartment. I sat in my car for a moment, almost praying that the door would be locked. I didn’t want him to take me back again. I wanted him to kick me out, to leave me like I deserved. But as I walked up to the front door and turned the handle, I found that door swung open easily. Just like always. I walked back inside and was immediately enveloped in strong arms. The scent of familiar cologne invading my sense and reminding me of exactly why I deserved every single ounce of pain he’d given me last night. “Baek.” He breathed out in relief, holding me close, but not tightly, he knew I was hurting. He’d been through this countless times before. “Welcome home.” He told me, and I felt the tears spill down my cheeks as he said it.
I didn’t deserve him. I was such a horrible person, he should hate me. I don’t understand why he doesn’t, why he keeps letting me back in. It was always the same, week after week. He would beg me not to go, and I would find myself leaving anyway. Only to return and be welcomed back like I hadn’t left him broken and sobbing alone in the bedroom. Like I hadn’t just slept with another man. Like I wasn’t about to do it again the next week. Like we both didn’t know that.
I knew that I loved Chanyeol. I loved him more than I could put into words. But no matter how much I loved him, I couldn’t stop myself from hurting him. I knew I was a special kind of monster, hurting someone as sweet and wonderful as Chanyeol. I knew there was a spot reserved in hell just for me. I deserved a lot more than hell. I hated myself so much and I wanted so badly to change for him, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t. It didn’t matter that I loved him, it didn’t matter that I was hurting him, in the end it changed nothing. I would leave next week, and the week after. Just like I always did, and I always would until Chanyeol finally gave up on me and stopped taking me back. But for now, I was home, and I could love him for the next six days until I had to hurt him all over again.
I think I just need to apologize for this to be honest, I'm not sure where it came from. I swear I sat down to write something cute and fluffy and it turned into this instead.
Anyway, I hope you liked it! Comment! Subscribe! I love you guys <3 <3 <3
Comments