Hopeless
Locked UpChunji's POV
L Joe had been very reluctant at first, so stiff when I touched him and he hardly looked at me, let alone talked to me.
Then about a week ago his attitude flipped. He's always kissing me and hugging me and cuddling. I was shocked when he even returned my 'I love you' without reluctance. We haven't had again, but we both agreed that it'd be best if we wait.
Still, with all of the loving interaction, I feel like he's lying to me.
"Channie? Come sit with me." He pouts playfully, till I sit on the bunk and he wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck.
"Byungie?" He hums against my throat and sighs. "Have you...really forgiven me?" I whisper the question and L Joe stiffens.
"Channie, a person can only deny their heart what it wants for so long." He sounds so convincing but, again, I have trouble believing it.
His eyes aren't right. He doesn't look at me like the love struck boy I knew. I'd formed the habit of ignoring his words for the most part and watching his expression. His eyes are always honest, and since I started noticing his reactions to my words or actions, I've found him...unresponsive.
Not loving, or even angry. He's expressionless.
When he tells me he loves me or forgives me there is no feeling behind the words and I know he must be faking all of this.
Every word he's told me is a lie and he's trapped himself in a world where he's just trying to survive, without breaking down like he had before.
I don't know what to do. What would wake him up. Show him that I really love him. Not my words, obviously. wouldn't be a good choice. I'm at a road block and I don't know how to show him how deeply I've really fallen for him.
The worst part of all is that I realized, maybe, I'm being...selfish.
He might be better off forgetting any feelings between us and starting over as nothing more than friends. Friends can't hurt each other as deeply as I must have hurt him.
I want so badly to make my feelings known and I want to feel his; I couldn't at the beginning, I was trying too hard to ignore my own. Still, is that possible anymore? Can I feel his love the way it's supposed to be felt? Probably not.
It all feels so hopeless and I'm just as lost in my own world as he is. Wishing I could believe his sweet words and loving touches but I can't.
I'd feel so horribly guilty allowing myself happiness, while I can't even guess what kind of Hell he must be going through in that pretty head of his.
I can't simply ask what I can do. How I wish he would simply be honest with me. Tell me what he wants or what I can do.
Maybe if he knew that I wasn't fooled by his behavior and that I just want him to be honest with me. I want to feel what he feels. Be hurt when he's hurt. Love when he loves but he won't. He's locked up inside his head and my mission has to be, to get an honest response from him.
The last time he was truthful, let alone cared for me, was when he told me he couldn't believe me. It hurt but it was true. What reason had I given him to believe me, what reason can I give him.
At that time his eyes were honest as well. When those men touched me, he wasn't happy. He was protective, as if I belonged to him and I'd give anything for that to be the case. He still watches over me but his eyes are blank, practiced. Like I'm a chore and I just want answers.
"L Joe." I turn, voice hard and he his head, making me want to kiss him but I don't. I push him down on the bed straddling him. I have to make him angry, happy, lustful. Anything, I need an honest reaction.
I miss him.
His eyes remain blank but he stares up at me, curious.
"Channie? Are you okay?" He ask voice filled with fake concern. I run my fingers up his stomach and I play with his collar, tugging at his clothes as if they're in the way.
"Byungie...you haven't touched me since then. You said you forgive me. Don't you want to?" I pout at the boy who seems tense but his eyes are still distant.
"We agreed to wait Channie. The others will be bothered by us." He debates and I puff out my cheeks, using aegyo I never really knew worked.
"Byungieeee, I'm ." I whine, suddenly getting curious, anxious, and lustful stares from the other inmates.
"Alright Channie. If you want too." My eyes widen, shocked he would even consider putting himself through that.
"L Joe!" I shout, tears suddenly falling from my eyes in steady streams. "Stop it! You think I'm stupid right? I can tell you're faking all of this. You want me to believe that you forgive me and love me, but you don't! You're hiding yourself from me L Joe and I hate it!" I tug at his collar, burying my face in his shoulder. "Please stop! Hate me! Hurt me! Anything, but stop hurting yourself. I don't want this L Joe, I know I'm being selfish and I'm sorry but I love you and I want you to be happy, any way that you can. So if you want me gone, then I'll go. Somehow, L Joe I'll go and I won't hurt you again but please stop. Just tell me! Tell me what you're feeling. Why. How I can help." I beg, half of my words mumbled into his shirt and slurred with tears. "Come back Byungie. I miss you." I cry again and hope for a reaction but there's none and I begin sobbing again, burying my face in my hands.
It's hopeless. He's gone.
"I'm right here Channie. Don't blame yourself. We're in love." I shake my head and stare at the broken boy in front of me. His eyes, again, remain blank as he reaches out to caress my face and it takes everything in me to push him away.
I pull back, letting my palm strike the side of his face with a horrible slapping sound and I pull away from him to curl myself in the corner of the cell.
I wouldn't waste my time regretting hitting the boy. I've done much worse.
L Joe's POV
What had gotten into him?
I was only agreeing, I was giving him what he wants.
I was still in love with him. I don't question myself on that but to trust him is a different matter.
When your lover cheats on you, no matter how many times you try or how sorry they are. The trust will never be the same and I'm sure Chunji understands that.
It's a defense mechanism. So no matter how many heart felt speeches he gives or tears he sheds. I'll still fight any emotions that fight to the surface.
Would he really leave for my sake?
That was an interesting notion but to have him gone...was that what I wanted. Did I prefer him here, no matter if he loves me or not? Probably, but that is me being selfish. not him. I'm forcing the boy to stay beside an emotionless robot for protection but as long as he doesn't love me that's not an issue.
He doesn't love me right?
I need to stop being so ridiculous. Boys like him don't fall in love with boys like me.
Boys like him are heartless and use boys like me to take care of themselves. They're willing to do anything to prove their false love, no matter how much it tears me up inside.
Still, I was curious if he'd fallow through on his promise. If I asked him to leave, would he? What would he do for me, to prove his, supposed, love.
I stare at the crying boy, curious, and I smile absently, entertained by the idea. My being in love, however, prevented me from doing something so drastic. No matter how much I fight it, I want him to stay beside me.
I only have a few more weeks with the boy. Just under four weeks left of my sentence. Then he'd be gone from my life.
How would I handle that? Would I be myself again? I know I'd be desperate to see him but I'd never allow that. He's my forbidden fruit, that I want so badly.
I take quick strides toward the cowering boy and crouch in front of him, petting his bowed head reassuringly. He stiffens under my touch and lifts his head just barely. His eyes light up, seeing something he likes, when I smile at him and he throws himself on me, bringing us both to the cold cell floor.
His face is buried in my shoulder again and he plants quick, needy, kisses across my face and lips.
"Byungie, please stay." He begs, letting my clothes muffle his voice. I his back and nod against his shoulder.
Could he really see through me so well? Did his words have such an affect on me, despite my opposition? Was my love for him so uncontrollable?
"I haven't gone anywhere Chunji." I reassure him quietly but he shakes his head furiously.
"You're so mean!" He pouts slapping me shoulder and hugging me again. "You must really love me Byungie." He sighs into my chest and I reluctantly let my walls fall for half of a second.
"I really do." I say pouring my heart into the words.
"I really love you too." He replies softly and holds me even more closely. I want to scoff at his words but I don't, I only kiss his forehead lovingly and continue to rebuild my wall.
I couldn't have been too late, protecting myself, could I? Because for some reason...I feel like I believe him.
I feel soooo much better about this chapter *sigh* RELIEF hahaha
Not for ChunJoe though.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
They're still in the midst of a storm
L Joe's starting to believe Chunji WHAT!
I cried like this when Chunji was begging L Joe, I get too into this plot. Makes me all sad...
Some of the emotion was, obviously, lost in translation but I made myself cry, so mission accomplished!
Hahaha
I hope you guys liked this chapter. It's a tiny bit longer so hopefully I'm past my writers block.
I think so cause I'm enjoying the plot. (Which isn't easy when you're writing sad Channie and emotionless Byungie) 
Anyways...hopefully next chapter will bring beautiful revival! Hahaha Comment.
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Too cute to ignore! ^-^ 
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