The End of Autumn

We moved on to the second song through calls. The first song was beautiful and honest; the second was sweeter and braver. If the first song was the song when I fell in love,

this song was when I was in love.

As you played the melody, all the feeling ambushed my heart and filled my head with the form of words. It felt like I was having a new thesaurus for my own, a thesaurus where there were only beauty and love, with the addition of you and me.

A thesaurus about Myungsoo and Su Ji.

Together we brought beauty in the form of melody and words; we became as beautiful as the art itself. We could be the masterpiece of art.

We could be, as long as there was love. We could be, if only there was love from the two.

We could round our lines and form a circle.

With those thought I was able to make 6 raw lyrics for the second song and still it was not enough to define our heart.

“Is it done?” you said in the middle of our night conversation after you hummed the second song.

“Not yet” I said looking 3 new lyrics on my paper as I played with my pencil.

“You don’t have any idea what to do with it?”

“I have too much idea, it confuses me,” I said looking almost hundreds of words for the song.

“If only those ideas could turn into a rain,” I spilled.

“Yeah, a rain would be good,” you agreed softly.

“You think there will be any rain in the future?” I asked, wondered, slightly hoped.

“Of course there will”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because we still need to draw a circle”

…

That was what you said, but almost a week had passed and not even a drop fell from the sky. I would open my hand to the sky, staring at my palm, imaging there a drop of water would land on it. I made a scenario where I would run across anything even before the third drop fell. Running with all my might to the place where you could have been waiting for me. I would come faster than the rain, and you would smile just like how you smiled when you found out it was raining.

I imagined, imagined, another scenario was made every time I dazed off, starting from your name, thoughts about you, then another hope, hope, hope,

and love.

I imagined, imagined, imagined.

But the rain still didn’t come.

…

My desk was full of papers. All were written with lyrics from the song I had been humming since morning. I looked for the sweetest lyric from every paper, then combined into one, then made another one, and another one.

No matter how many times I repeated those methods, my mind kept making a new sentence, producing a new lyric, and I didn’t know how to stop this bursting feeling.

I wanted to write more, about you, about me, about what I felt, about what you may felt.

All this time, I thought words were the best media to define what person may felt, but lately it didn’t even define a half of it.

Even circle defined it more than 12 lyrics I ended up writing.

I put my pencil and looking to the side, to the window which showed me the sun and the bright sky. Even though my ear was facing the teacher now, it still didn’t catch any sound he made; it was searching for the sound of dropping water.

The break time ended a hour ago, I remembered I was thinking on going to the library, cheating the rule we once had made. But I knew I would end up feeling nothing but shame and regret if I did that.

So here I was, looking across the window, singing the third song with one lyric.

Rain, please come rain.

I didn’t count how many times I prayed with those sentences, I didn’t remember how long I stared to the sky, but I remembered.

It began to rain.

…

Everything happened in rapid moment. It began with a drop of water, then another drop, then thousands, millions, and then billions. When it reached billions, I almost ran toward the drenched window just to make sure it was real. Fortunately, a person voice which said “It’s raining,” managed to convince me before I did that.

But my mind had gone blank. I began to visualize the scenarios I had made. I stood up from my chair, then told a lie which contain a not feeling well excuse; old school. I wish he didn’t check on me when I left the room since I literally ran through the hallway, and in logic, a sick people didn’t ran through the hallway with giggles.

I was not sure where did I got the courage to run, where did I get the faith to leave. But there was no way I would wait until the break time. There was no guarantee that the rain would last until then. And maybe this would be the last rain as we almost entered winter after this. This was my last hope and chance, and even though there was no guarantee for Myungsoo to have the same thought with me, but a possibility that Myungsoo would be there was enough to be a guarantee for me to have faith in you.

And even if you didn’t show up,

the rain would cover me up.

…

Running ignorantly, thinking no one would be in the hallway at this time of hour, I crashed with someone as I turned to left. I fell to the floor and so did that person. I opened my eyes after feeling the hit and thought If I am boy, I must have fell in love right now

The one I crashed with was a girl with a long soft hair. She used her hands to side down her fringe. I saw her polished finger in shocking pink color; they were beautiful and sweet at the same time.

I thought those nails were more than pretty but then she showed me another enviable thing she had with her. She had milky skin. There was no dirt on her face, only red marks from the cold temperature. Even the nature loved her enough to give her a natural make up.

Her eyes showed me she was annoyed, but she gave me a beautiful smile instead.

“I’m sorry. Are you okay?” I said as I snapped from marvel. Again she gave me a beautiful smile. But that was it.

She got up and looked at me with hurtful stare, still with the loving smile. Then she walked away.

Ah, that was how a beautiful girl looked and acted. It didn’t bother me though. It didn’t subtract her beautiful either for me.

But at least, I wished I have those nails.

Because this was the first time I thought, I wanted to look beautiful for you.

…

I arrived at the front door of the library. It was quite, but the rain made it sounded noisy. Even though I was sure the rain would mute all the sound I made, still, I opened the door softly, trying to be as quite as the library.

I took a step in, and then finally entered the library. I closed the door as softly as when I opened it. I looked around, the librarian was not there. I was grateful since I was not sure how to answer her if she asked how I could end up here.

I walked further inside, walking slowly between the big wood shelves. The smell of the old books and the rain mixed into a familiar scent I used to have in the middle of our meeting time. I walked slower than usual, checking all the hallways, not sure why I did that. Maybe to ease the loud sound of my heartbeat, it loudness could had beaten the rain’s.

I would reach our place after I through this one shelf. I had left my expectation with my foot prints. I was planning that I would sit on the same chair after drawing a circle without you this time. I would sit as I wish the rain would last until the break time and then we would finally meet.

It was okay, I thought. As long it was you, I could wait.

I was ready to wait,

but there you were.

A melancholy face and a bittersweet smile, sitting slackly on the same chair you used to sit on, looking at the far wall like it was your lover.

No matter how you looked,

you were here.

“Myungsoo?” I whispered but somehow you heard me like you were actually waiting for someone to call your name. You turned your face to me and showed me an expression I had never saw before. A mix of happiness and sadness, and other thing I was not really sure what.

“Su Ji..,” you confirmed. “You are here”

“So are you,” I said. “What are you doing here?”

“I am waiting,” you said in the most truthful tone. “What are you doing here?”

“I planned to wait,” I answered. “So, are you still waiting?”

You took a moment of silent, and then finally said, “I am not. Are you going to wait now?”

“No. I don’t need to wait anymore”

…

You are the evening bath I have never missed.

From the tip of my toe to the tip of my head, you will leave a mark.

I don’t want to step out; I am willing to pay with my time.

No, even if I get out, your scent and warmth will never leave

“What are you doing?” you peeked at my phone screen to see what I was typing. Not like the other time, today we sat on the floor, in the middle our chairs, against the wall under the window.

“Writing your lyrics,” I answered with a smile.

“I thought you said you already have too much of it,” you said referring to the papers I left behind on my desk.

“They won’t do,” I said as I kept typing as I hid it from you.

“So this one will do?” you moved your face back to gave up on peeking it.

“I don’t know. But for now, this will do,” I said, hoping I was not so obvious that I loved what happened between us now. “I sent it to you. Sing it to me, please,”

That was the lyric of my heart. The feeling I managed to put in words. Those mere words would be nothing on what I really felt. But those words were my confession, promise, and love. Those words were meant for you in any way possible.

And please sang it, like it was meant for me.

The street was made of silk and I would fall in every move I danced then you will be the one who catches me

It’s okay if we don’t have a phonograph. You voice is solely enough; it’s more than enough.

We are art; number has no effect on us.

No need to count at the time, it is already forever with you.

I closed my eyes after that. It took a few moments until I heard your voice in form of harmony. Your voice drove us to the end of autumn, and when you finished at the same time the rain finished. There we entered Winter,

a season without rain.

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