This is the moment she thinks she's stopped believing there's a God.
With their inexhaustable leader supporting her back to their messy dorm, she's not even sure where she is anymore. Is it possible that this cruelty can be a part of life?
She's sure her breath smells like alcohol and she regrets everything she's done, memories of trying to force drink after drink down Sooyoung's throat to make her want her, need her, love her.
"I don't feel that way about you, Hyoyeon"
She's not bothered by the way Taeyeon almost throws her onto her bed because everything has been lost, and everything has been destroyed because Hyoyeon finally admitted that she's a freak, and she's proven that she's unloved, and that it will stay like that forever.
She feels the first of what she knows is going to become pressing, numbing headaches soon when a glass of water is put down on her nightstand with an unnecessarily loud clink.
"Drink this, you'll need it tomorrow"
She distantly wonders how Taeyeon can be so worried about her all the time and always try to convince her that Hyoyeon is not disturbed, not in the wrong, that it's all natural and she will not find herself in hell when she finally leaves this world.
"What I need is to die"
And suddenly Taeyeon is the one crying while Hyoyeon just lies there, stares at the ceiling with a dead expression.
But when her leader's sobs order her to not say things like that and pleads Hyoyeon to come to her senses, she more than anything wonders why she should.
She just asks herself with a sort of strangely calm desperation how long it will take until she can forget Sooyoung's sorry face when she decided to just walk away.
Taeyeon decides that showing Hyoyeon her tears is not the best thing to do at the moment, however, so she walks away and closes the door with promises that she just needs to sleep away the alcohol and tomorrow it will all feel better. Hyoyeon almost laughs because when was the last time anything felt better or even close to remotely good? And no matter how much Taeyeon tries to make things right, their leader is way too naive to ever really help her.
She closes her eyes but it only helps the drinks build the illusion that everything is spinning, and she's so tired that she's surprised that she even cares to crawl under the covers as she does so.
Luckily she has no time to be surprised at how fast she falls asleep, cause she doesn't think she can handle another feeling tonight.
Though, she probably would make it through that aswell, because it's not like she has a choice.
Drunken mumbles escape her lips as the desperation continues in her dreams, and she can do nothing but settle into it.