Happiness
The Prayers of a TraitorWas this what it felt like to lose hope? Was life really as cruel as everyone said it was? Was it really miserable to the point where it seemed like your heart was about to shatter? The logical part of Youngjae knew it wouldn’t literally shatter, but it ached so much that a lesser part of him believed it would. Not that he would mind it much anymore. Things would be better if he died. Or was he just thinking of himself again? Maybe, if he prayed hard enough for God to forgive his sins, maybe all the pain and guilt that managed to claw its way around his heart would finally loosen and let him go.
Youngjae scoffed scornfully.
That would never work. After all, he had no heart.
He let out his breath, counting the minutes until it was time to face the rest. Time was slowly going against him.
God, if you can, please hear me now. Just this once... Just this once, please listen. If you decided that it’s my turn to die, I’ll accept it. However, let me pray for them. God, let me pray for their happiness.
Perhaps he was a fool, but that was something Youngjae wished for above all else.
They being everyone he cared for. The people at the police force; Jiho, Jaebum, Kyung, and old man Kang. Admittedly, he would miss them all. He would miss working late with Jiho, eating cup noodles during lunch breaks with Kyung, playing video games with Jaebum, and he would even miss hearing the old man’s crazy talk about the giant rise in the price of donuts, gas, and rice.
Even with his eyes closed, the young man could remember his way around the department’s office.
From the front entrance, take seven steps to the right to the coffee maker, wait exactly 43 seconds for the coffee to pour, two sugars and three creams, two steps left, seventeen steps forward, wave to Jiho who’s off to sleep in the break room, knock twice, enter.
“I have your coffee, old man.”
“The world’s a terrible place, kid. People turn a blind eye because everyone else does.”
By now, the young officer was already used to the old man’s lack of greeting. Youngjae gently set down the steaming mug of freshly brewed coffee on his supervisor’s desk, taking a seat also in front of him.. The gray-haired boss folded that day’s newspaper and tossed it carelessly next to the mug.
“What does it say today?”
Kang sighed heavily, the weight of responsibility taking its eventual toll on him.
“Sometimes, son, you don’t want to know. There are times where you just want to stop turning on the news or flipping your papers because all you see is terrible side of humanity. Sometimes, seeing all these horrors extinguishes the faith you had that one day, if you tried hard enough, the world would become a better place.”
Today was a bit different from usual, Youngjae thought. The old man lived life as quite a jolly fellow, cracking immature jokes like Kyung and barking out rather nonsensical sentences throughout the department.
“But then again...who am I to talk? It’s just how we cowardly humans are. We close our eyes to the truth because reality is something we all find too difficult to accept.”
The boy kept silent, knowing that he couldn’t truly understand how the old man felt.
Minutes passed and Youngjae felt he overstayed his visit.
“I’ll be taking my leave, sir.”
Three steps to the door.
“Youngjae.”
“Yes sir?”
“The world is at war, son, and do you know who caused it?”
“Who, sir?”
“We did. And it’s only a matter of time before we all pay for the disaster we created.”
Youngjae finally understood what he had meant.
And as much as Youngjae would hate to ever admit it to himself, or to anyone else, he prays for the others too. Yongguk-hyung, Himchan-hyung, Jongup, Junhong...And Daehyun. Youngjae cared, and that was the complication. It was easy at first, putting on a facade and toying with each of them as he pulled strings to manipulate their feelings. Too easy, now that he looks back at his experience. In the beginning, he didn’t care in the slightest bit if he ended up throwing any of the sixt in jail or even sentencing them to their inevitable death. He had absolutely no qualms with that idea whatsoever, but then his human traits started to unearth itself from the depths of his murky soul. In the short amount of time they were all together, their bond grew. What was it called again?
Trust, was it? That was a feeling he hadn’t experienced in the longest of times with people other than the police force.
The first time he saw Yongguk, the leader scared the living daylights out of him. Deep voice, toned body, layers upon layers of expensive black leather. It screamed bad news to the point where Youngjae thought he would piss his pants like a sissy. He didn’t, though, because what kind of first impression would that be? The teen thought it would be easy to despise him, to curse him and stab him in the back like every other criminal. He couldn't. Behind Yongguk’s seemingly treacherous outward appearance lived a kind heart. Probably one of the kindest Youngjae ever encountered.
“Hey, Youngjae?”
“Yes, hyung?”
The two of them were sitting on the balcony playing chess in the middle of the night. The world was particularly dark that day so the stars all sat visibly in the never ending sea of the sky. It was strange how people said that the sky was never ending, what was even stranger was that they claimed that circles were too. That, if ever you should fall in love, write your names in a circle so that your love would last forever. The fact that if there was no beginning then there would be no end, completely slipped their mind somewhere along the way. Where were you supposed to start then?
“You know that you’re family now, right? It’s an oddball family, I’ll admit that much, but nonetheless, we’re all still family,” the man slid his black bishop three paces diagonally, facing Youngjae’s rook.
The younger’s hand froze above the rook, a slight panic rushing through his body as a result of the leader’s words. What was he supposed to say? If he told the truth, what would happen? Wait, why was he even worried? No, this absolutely should not be the case. This was a mission, which meant that no personal feelings were to be involved no matter the consequence. Or was he already in too deep for his own good? He was so afraid of the future and present shrouded with numerous doubts and unfortunate ends.
“Youngjae?” the fiery-haired man furrowed his eyebrows in concern, tapping him lightly on the shoulder.
“O-Oh. Sorry, hyung...” the brunette mumbled sheepishly with a shy grin in place. “I spaced out a little.”
The game went on and the black and white chess pieces gradually disappeared from the board.
Youngjae again fell victim to his own thoughts, drowning in countless worries and uncertainties that may never be answered. What was he supposed to do now? His solid defenses were crumbling piece by piece and he didn’t know what to do. The confusion was making him dizzy, the uncertainty gnawing at dark corners of his mind. Was he supposed to do the right thing or the wrong thing? What was right anymore? The world was spinning madly and Youngjae knew that anything he did would be wrong. In the end, it was all a matter of who was more important to him. So the question remained imprinted in his mind like a mantra, a cursed one.
Who was he going to choose?
“You know, you can tell me what’s on your mind.”
Finally snapping out of his state of temporary state of delirium, Youngjae’s brunette head shot up and his dark eyes met Yongguk’s.
“Why would you say that?”
The elder smiled softly and raised his eyebrows. “Well, for one, you’ve only been moving the rook back and forth for a while now.”
“Oh. Right. I totally meant to do that,” Youngjae nodded his head proudly, brushing off the mistake like it was nothing. Which was nothing at all. Yoo Youngjae didn’t do losing at chess games so he was going to focus on this one no matter what.
“Mhm. So what’s on your mind? Do you want to talk about it?”
He didn’t want to, really, he didn’t but for some reason his mouth refused to cooperate.
“Yongguk-hyung, do you think...” he paused for a bit, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. “Do you think that there are such things as happy endings?” Youngjae avoided eye contact and proceeded to move his rook away from Yongguk’s queen. What on earth was he asking? Whatever, there was no point in trying to reason with himself since himself has been really unreasonable these past few days.
“Well, I can’t say for sure. I would be lying if I said yes or no. As Douglas Sirk said, ‘These happy endings all express the weak and sly promise that the world is not rotten and out of joint but meaningful and ultimately in excellent condition’. I agree with him but at the same time, I don’t.”
Youngjae gave him a quizzical look, furrowing his eyebrows in curiousity. How could the answer be both?
“It’s because life is one big cycle of suffering. Unknowingly or knowingly, we have all contributed to that same cycle. Take us, for example, we’re terrible people. In the world there are a lot of people like us and there’s nothing much we can do about that. I can't justify my actions, nor can I justify any of yours. Basically, we have just piled on to the rising levels of poverty, crime, and corruption. Sure, these circumstances are all unavoidable, but sitting around pretending it isn't even happening is what causes it to continue to worsen. However, despite that, I can’t say that there are no good things either. They’re not always easy to find, but once you do, you’ll know that they’re all worth the wait.”
“Are you sure we’ll all eventually find them?”
The fiery-haired man shook his head with a sad smile. “As much as I'd like to say 'yes', because I'm one of the lucky ones who've found those good things, I’m afraid that would be too hopeful a statement. But, once you lose hope, then you’ve lost the war.”
The war. What war were they all talking about? It started with old man Kang, and now even Yongguk-hyung was spouting this nonsense. As far as Youngjae knew, the world currently enjoyed a time of relative peace. World Wars were being avoided, so what could they possibly be referring to?
His eyes scanned the board, noticing immediately the flaw in Yongguk’s defenses. With his trusty rook in hand, Youngjae had him cornered; the tides had turned.
“Checkmate.”
“So it seems.”
The leader smiled his signature gummy smile before standing up and walking over to Youngjae. He ruffled the younger’s hair, patting him reassuringly on the shoulder as he left.
Yongguk had let him win.
Youngjae coughed out some more blood, spitting out the dark liquid on the grimy cement floor.. Despite them having numerous memories together, why were these the only ones Youngjae could recall at the moment?
Either way, all of them deserved happiness. It was high time for Youngjae to pay them all back the happiness they generously gave to him. Even though Youngjae knew which side was ‘good’ and ‘bad’, he also knew that they were all human. No one was purely good or bad, everyone was a varying mix of both. Humans weren’t originally such treacherous beings, something in their past simply stood in the way of their future. If it were only that easy to separate the two sides of of the spectrum, then the dividing line between them would never appear blurry or even smudged. It would remain intact, clear and never-fading. However, as much as he wanted it to, the mechanics of life didn’t spin in that one constant direction.
“Maybe one day. Maybe they’ll be able to...Ah, that doesn’t matter. As long as they all are happy, I don't mind losing everything."
He coughed more violently, biting his lip fiercely to stop the aching of his heart and to eliminate the lump in his throat. The thought of losing them, the thought of them hating him...It hurt so much. Why? Why did it have to be this way?
"I-I...I don't mind."
Lies.
Who knew that there was sadness in happiness?
and so it turns out that posting a story 'soon' equals half a year. I'm so sorry, guys.
Well, this is turning into a three-shot now, I suppose? OTL I can't even. I .
LET ME LUVS U ALL from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for everything. I'm so lucky to have supporters like you :D
I'll try not to update so late. I"LL TRY. Let me finish my hmwk first. I love you. ^-^
P.S, I'm sorry if this is crap. My writing has become dusty and rusty.
Me Outtie~
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