Chapter 1: Hello~ You asked me to read one and tell you what I think about them. I'll be honest, and I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or anything.
With this one, I didn't really like it. The story itself felt a little shallow - I couldn't connect with the characters very well. I didn't really feel their emotions.
There are a lot of grammatical errors, too. Preforming is performing; wrong use of your/you're; you should use full punctuation in speech; character's name should have a capital letter; lack of consistency (referring to characters with their names and then nicknames; i.e. calling Hyukjae as Hyukjae and then Hyuk.)
I personally didn't like the sentences ending with ..., but that might be a personal preference from me. I found it distracting because it's like the scene fading out and then suddenly zooming in again.
I think using standard (AKA proper) English would help, and so would putting more descriptions (expressions, movements,) not having minor characters fade into the background (I feel like referring to staff as noonas kind of gets rid of their identity), and sticking to using one name for a character when it's not in dialogue.
That's what I think. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you feel bad, but you asked me so I'll answer you honestly.
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