As I walked home that day, I couldn't help but think back to the vision I had earlier today.

More specifically..

WHO was in that vision.

 

And then I began..thinking. For three years it's been my ultimate enemy. 

With each vision I would fall deeper and deeper into this bottomless pit of over-thinking. 

Over-evaluating every single detail in each vision hoping - praying - I would find something to help me get out. 

To leave. Escape. To never have these visions again.

Sadly, a part of me never wants it to beause I know that the moment I stop having these visions is the moment I stop seeing him. The moment I stop having visions is the moment I become a different human being. A different Kim Jong In. All because I spent my entire life trying - solely - to cope, deal, process, and evaluate all of these visions. 

Who would I be after they leave? 

What would've been of the last three years of my life?

How was I supposed to NOT be afraid? To not fear. 

How?

 

 

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of my house. 

I looked up at the sky and took in a much needed deep breath.

Gray clouds scattered in the already dull sky. 

Great. 

Just what I needed. Weather to match my already ty mood. 

That's just..neat.

 

I unlocked the front door and slid my feet out of my shoes. After placing them on the side, neatly, I yelled out wondering - secretly hoping - if no one was home.

"MOM!"

Nothing.

"DAD!"

Crickets.

I furrowed my eyebrows and took out my phone from my front pocket.

3:45PM

They should be home.

That's weird.

 

I walked up the stairs and checked their room as a last resort. 

Empty.

As I entered my room, I was greeted by an unpleasant scent of dust. When was the last time I cleaned this place? I looked around to locate any mess.

It was fairly neat. I just need to dust.

As I plopped down on my bed and folded my arms behind my head to support my head, I began to do the one thing that I despised the most ...but could never really get rid of.

I began to think.

 

I closed my lids and there it was.

That image.

It was so vivid.

So real.

So breathtakingly real.

 

I want you.

I want to run my fingers across your cheeks.

I want to brush the hair out of your face.

I want to feel that beautiful, milky skin against my own. 

I want to look into those chocolate brown shimmering eyes.

 

 

But more than anything...

I want you to be real.

To be here.

Now.

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

"Jong In-ah. Get this one. It's totally sturdy."

 

"No, Sehun-ah. I want this one."

"Why that one? It looks really bland to me." He shrugged.

I held it up an inch away from his face and he stepped back, startled.

 

With a grin plastered on my face I said, "Because it matches your eyes."

His eyes turned into saucers. Big, - beautiful -, saucers. I could tell he tensed up. His hands were shaking and I could see the shimmering beads of sweat form around his temples.

Finally, his face relaxed and he...smiled. That same smile that took my breath away. That same smile that made me hate the real me because I can never see it...ever.

"Wah, Jong In-ah. You're being weird, again." He went back to browsing through the different wooden swords neatly on display for us on the table.

I stole a few glances of his nothing-less-than-perfect side profile and went back to looking at the wooden swords.

So intricately carved. 

Each detail taken into consideration. 

Each dent necessary and beautiful.

Mr. Ryu had talent that was greatly reflected on his work. 

It was near magnificent.

 

"Jong In, I'm getting this one." He held up his wooden sword at me. "Did you decide on one yet?"

I picked up the one I had earlier. The one with the same color as those eyes.

"Mhm. Got one."

He grinned.

"Okay. Let's go try them out."

 

 

 

I woke up out of breath, sweaty, parched, and overly confused. I sat up on my bed and wiped away the beads of perspiration from my forehead.

*sigh*

Every once in a while I would have dreams that I could never really differentiate between visions or my own subconsciousness wanting to believe he was mine. To believe that I could touch him. 

Feel him.

And it'll be okay because...

It wasn't real.

These feelings were merely of my subconscious self wanting things I can't have in my time and the only way it'll be okay is if I think.

Believe.

Hope.

And pray.

That the only way, the only logical explanation, is if I could have him four hundred years ago. 

 

 

I buried my face in my hands and collapsed back onto my bed. Looking up at the white ceiling I was reminded of his skin. 

Milky white. Flawless. Smoother than silk.

Beyond envy-worthy.

 

I almost didn't notice the tears being formed in my eyes until I felt it streaming down my cheeks. Wetting it ever so generously. I quickly wiped them away and sat up at the corner of my bed, looking down at my feet.

I ruffled my hair in frustration.

 

 

 

As the warm droplets quickly turned to steam, it became more difficult to see. Difficult but not impossible. As I stood there, feeling the fog brushing against my skin...I was more confused than ever.

Is this what my life has become? Wandering down this fogged up road...alone? Barely able to see anything, no one to call out for help and yet...

Life decides to allow you to continue down it's road. A road filled with neglect, longing, loneliness, confusion.

Confusion.

If I had to choose one word to define my life. One word that sums up pretty much every single aspect of this pathetic mess of a human being's "life"...Confusion is the perfect word.

 

 

 

 

 

"Kim Jong In. Who are you, exactly?"

There was that voice again.

 

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A/N: ADKJS;JAF;KSJFKAJDSF;AJDKFJASKDFSJDJFDSFHJFHJSAFFFSADFADSFASF.

Pretty much all my chapters will have A/N's that start like that so..get used to it. :3

Anyways..

First of all..SO. MANY. METAPHORS. AND SYMBOLSIM IN THIS CHAPTER. OH, LAWD. ><

Did you guys catch any? :o Let me know below~ ^-^

 

Also..I'm on this writing binge so expect more updates over the weekend and maybbeeee Monday. XD These notes are too long. =.=

Anyways..

I hope you guys enjoyed the second Chapter..much MUCH more to come in the future so stay tuned~ ^o^

 

~Much love to you all, AndreaJKim

^-^

 

 

and obv..litapita. <--because. XD

If you guise feel left out feel free to lemme know and I'll give you a personal shoutout in the next chapter. :3

 

Subscribe, comment, do your thang. ^=^