Hurt. Yes. I was hurt. Who wouldn’t when the person you love and treasure the most dies in your arms? That the person whom you see yourself spending the rest of your life with was snatched away from you on the very day you exchanged vows. What silly game life has thrown our way, huh?

It’s been three years since that day happened. The day that changed all the colors into my world. There are no bright colors now for I can only and always see black, white, and gray. Nothing is vibrant. Nothing is radiant. Everything is dull and lifeless.

I feel dead inside though people around me often say that I am doing better and better as days pass by.

“Do I believe that? Would I really be better without you here with me now?” I am talking to a stone. Her tombstone. Though my heart is breaking, I made it a point to go back here, in the ruins where we planned to promise each other that we would spend the rest of our lives together. In the same ruins where she died and left me as good as dead. The same ruins where I decided to bury her body.

We didn’t cremate her remains. We didn’t even let an embalming occur. It’s her request. And thinking about her reason about that thing now is giving me a good laugh despite the longing.

“Oh, these sweet little memories of you, they would never grow old. Your humor would always be with me.”

She’s thinking that one day, she would rise from her grave and be a vampire. Yes, a vampire. She’s an avid fan of vampires and she strictly told me not to incinerate her remains or have her internal organs taken out when she died. I totally laugh at her when she told me that but she punched me on my chest and with a scowl on her face and said that she’s being serious. That that’s how she really wishes to be buried. I laughed it off and just agreed.

“But thinking about that now, I really wish you would rise from there and come back to me.” I choked on the last words. “I still couldn’t get over your passing. I still couldn’t believe this is the third February 18 that I’m mourning over your leaving me.” I wiped the single streak of tear that dares to escape my right eye. “I know you wouldn’t be happy if you see me crying now, right? So I would stop.” I tried to smile but the more I tried, the more my face contorts and forms a frown. The more I try to be happy, the more tears are coming down.

“Hey,” I managed to say in between sobs. “Happy 3^rd wedding anniversary.” And that’s it, I cried like a small boy in front of her tomb. I hugged my knees and buried my face on top of it, each eye socket on each ball of my knees, I cried until my eyes hurt when it couldn’t produce any more tears.

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A/N: That’s it, I’m crying. Why am I crying with my own story? And the silly thing is, I cried while reading this, and not while I write it down. Damn shallow tears, always betraying me. T_T And which author have her ‘Author’s Note’ in between the chapter??

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And now, I am back again to Seoul. To live my life. I know I thought of following you there. In the afterlife? In heaven? In hell? I wouldn’t know. I don’t think I believe in any of those until now. Maybe I just want to follow you and lie beside you inside that damp soil between those ruins for all I believe. But, I know you wouldn’t be happy if I do that so, with help from people we both love, I have snapped back to reality and get back to my life. The life that took a break when you left. The life that now feels empty. Your position at the center is still vacant though, I’m still waiting for the day you would really rise and claim that spot again. Crazy as it sounds, I really wish you would.

Hey, you know what, today I get a new job. Yep. There’s been an audition for new DJs at your favorite FM radio station and I happen to pass by their building as I went to the grocery store. I bought Yuzu his supply of food for a month and some other necessities in the house. So yeah, I got intrigued and so I tried. I know you’d be proud of me, I can really see your smiling face as I deliver you the good news that I actually got in along with two more people.

I am now a DJ in your favorite radio station. How good is that, right? But I know it’s going to be better if you could hear me through the air waves. You can request for any song you want, you can greet anyone you like, and I would be so glad to accommodate your wishes. If only…

Okay, I don’t wanna cry now, do I? I got a new job. After keeping to myself after you’re gone, this is my first try on this life without you waiting for me at home. You can’t hear me now but I would still tell you my stories. You like that? I’m sure you would.

The day went just fine. I was actually nervous to really get my words right. I often mispronounce some words and my co-DJ, my ‘partner’ would give me a laugh though I can tell that she’s not mocking me. Yep, my ‘partner’ is a she. You jealous of her? Don’t be, I only have eyes for you. I am smiling now, can you see it? I really am.

So, back to my story. Our airtime is in the morning bracket. From 6 to 10. That’s four hours but it doesn’t feel that long. I don’t know, something about this place and this job makes me feel like time is flying. I like it. The faster it fly, the sooner I would get to where you are. (A/N: Oh my! It’s 11:04pm now as I type this!! LOL!)

A/N: How is this so far my pretty readers??