I’ve decided to put my current undefined feelings I have for Ara aside; whatever it is – just pure friendship or more… Right now I don’t care and I don’t want to care, not at this moment. Because these unknown feelings are causing me to act rather strange and it’s bring myself more stress. I’m beginning to notice about myself trying to be cautious about my own actions towards her. For example, when somehow I (just myself) managed to relate her to the conversations I have with people and when I want to mention her, I have to go around a big circle till I get to the main point, which is her. So I think it would be subtle when I talk about her, so people won’t take it the wrong way… that I just talk about her… I just I don’t know if I’ve always been like this or just started to be more conscious after reading comments about the ‘AraLice’ ship. I wonder if Ara has read them before and what she thinks about them?

Aish! This isn’t the time to worry about this! I should be putting these worries aside and focus on this dance routine. You know what? I hate this chorography for this comeback, I hate it. Why must we have this ‘twin’ concept? Why do we require having such close interactions with our twin? It must sound like I hate Ara… I don’t, I seriously don’t. But I seriously don’t get why mine and Ara’s face have to be so close at the start of the song… and her gently laying her hand on my shoulder… it makes me nervous I can’t bring myself to look into her eyes. Being nervous at the start of the song is not a good sign; it’ll affect my performance seconds later.

It’s me who is bringing the group down. Everyone else is doing their best, while you have me reacting unnaturally with my twin. This is the reason that I told myself to put everything aside and that I can do this.

The girl standing in front of me is starting to worry about me, she keeps asking me if I’m fine and I keep answering that “I’m fine.” In a monotone voice and avoid looking into her eyes. To be honest, I knew I shouldn’t have directed my gaze somewhere else and I should have smiled at her after my reply. I know I did something I shouldn’t have, which is making the leader worry. Especially after I’ve wanted to help her with her worries; but now, I am one of her worries.

It’s my entire fault. Only if I’m able to look into her eyes naturally without diverting my eyes to somewhere else, none of this would happen. I’m running out of time, I don’t have the time to regret something I cannot change. I need to find a way to look into her eyes.

We’re let off to have a little break. Ara approached me a tugged me to a quieter place to have a talk. Oh dear, this is making me more nervous. I hope she can’t hear my rapid heartbeat in this quiet room, with just me and her alone. No one dare to speak. Even though it was Ara who wanted to talk, she didn’t open . I knew by instinct that if I want to get out I will have to talk. And I decided to take a deep breath to calm all my nerves to bring myself to speak. But before I managed to spit out any words, Ara decided to finally open , “Did I do something wrong?” guiltiness flooded me. I noticed that I’ve caused this girl pain; she’s blaming herself, blaming herself for something I acted upon because of my overthinking. I knew then, I need to stop being selfish and actually bring myself to look into her eyes.

I slowly placed my hand gently on her shoulder, carefully caressed her shoulder with my thumb and looked into her eyes and said with a little guilt, “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s my fault, I’m sorry. And don’t worry, I just needed a break, I can do it!” I then fist pumped in the air and that’s all it took to see her smile return.

Back to practicing, I have managed to stop overthinking and get some confidence from the guilt. I finally managed to look into Ara’s eyes and without diverting them to somewhere else. I dislike the fact I made her worry and made her blame herself, but I like how just simply looking into her eyes I can be the reason of her current smile.

Maybe this choreography isn’t so bad after all, having such close interactions. It can be an excuse to look at Ara closely with a reason to; being able to look into her naturally moist, shiny doe eyes, which I can look into them forever if I had the chance; they’re so memorising. Even though it’s just a few seconds, within those few seconds I can manage to make her happy by doing facial gags that I’m good at, me being the reason for her smile sure does make me feel good.

idk... i tried guys, i really did ;~;

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(although i sometimes don't reply but i do read them all thanks!)