{this silver leaves me burning for gold} | eli-focused, hints of eli/kevin and kevin/kibum

eli hates this feeling, this feeling of not being able to do anything. he's spent too long watching the people he loved get hurt and not being able to do anything about it. so long, in fact, that he swore he'd never let himself feel like this again. yet, here he is, sitting back and wanting to scream as he watches the tears fall and the questions pile up. why? he never asked himself this question much, it never got him anywhere, but lately it's been unavoidable. the how and the when and the what and the where, and especially the who, are all perfectly clear to him. but the why has remained just out of his grasp; reaching, stretching, screaming. 

honestly, it's not the fact that they're gone that hurts, it's the aftermath. it's waking up every morning not knowing what he'll face: anger or sadness or nothing at all. it's holding him close, the one boy that has ever meant anything to him, and watching him cry and yell over something he can't fix. no, it's not the fact that they're gone, but the fact that they're never really gone from their minds. the fact that even when they're not around, specifically one of them, eli still ends up second, third, fourth place. he tries so hard to be everything he isn't, to fill in the gaps, but it's not enough, he's not enough and he lags behind. 

eli hates this feeling, this hopelessness; but it's all he really has left.