„worth living”

I never thought that watching little rain drops sliding down a cold pane would actually give me a little sense of peace. It wasn't much of a distraction, no, but still ... fixing my eyes and thoughts on something else was better that letting myself drown in my misery.
My eyes fell on a tiny drop near the frame of the window. Even though the rain kept poring down and the wind beat against the windows and walls of the train, the little water drop was left alone in the corner of the wide pane. The other drops slid down in an furious speed, but the little drop in the corner was still stuck on its place, just very slowly making its way to the bottom.
 

That tiny dot there, it was just like me, wasn't it ? Left alone, the other drops, and even nature didn't wanted to come in contact with it, leaving it in its corner, all by itself.
 

I looked out of the window, my sight moving further away in the darkness of the night. I tried to catch a look at the trees but the train was driving way too fast and it was nearly impossible to tell where exactly we were because of the darkness and the rain outside the walls.
I let out a little sigh. This was always happening to me, right ? I was not even allowed to look out of the window. Life must hate me from the bottom of its heart.
 

Looking a little longer at the dark pane, covered with quickly moving rain drops, my sight fell on a blurry reflection in the glass, that was coming from the seats next to me, parted by the small passageway in the middle. 
I turned my head to the side to get a better look and saw a young couple. Snuggling next to each other and wrapped up in a thin sky blue blanket to keep each other warm. The girls head was resting on the males shoulder, his arm securely embraced around the lady's shoulder, her eyes closed, probably sleeping, while her partner was playing with loose strands of her light brown dyed hair and holding a cup of coffee with two straws, from the cafeteria of the train in the last compartment.

I couldn't really help but smile a little bit. It must be feel really good to have someone by your side, someone you can rely on and who is there to light up the darkness when every light got switched off by fate. I wondered if there was such a person for me meant to be with as well.
As SHINee's leader it's my duty to be this person. It's not like I get burdened about it when the boys come to talk with me about their problems. In fact, I like it. It makes me happy to know that they trust me, not only as their head but also as their brother. But how could I ever make my dongsaengs be worried about me ? I can't and that's it. 
I am a human, like everyone else and like everyone else, I have problems too. I get depressed at times and I can feel sad. The only thing is, I have no one I can talk to about them.
 

Averting my gaze from the couple, my eyes moved around the empty train compartment. It was around midnight, I guess. A cold shiver ran down my spine and once again, loneliness overcame me, mixed with fear, rage, sadness ...
I never thought that one person could be able to feel so much emotions at once.
 

Closing my tired eyes, my head fell against the seat and my thoughts drifted away to a phone call a few days ago. It was my little cousin. Her angle like voice still sounded in my ears. But than, I remember, she started crying suddenly. The soft sobs were tearing me apart. She wasn't just a cousin for me, but the little sister I've never had. 
 

"Oppa ... " she took a deep breath before continuing. "grandmother." was all she could say to me and I understood. 
 

She died. Our grandmother was sick for a very long time and the doctors told us that she wouldn't be able to live very long. My cousin told me about the funeral the coming weekend and about my parents endless fights, how she missed me and how difficult it was to bear the pain of losing someone even though we both didn't get to know our grandmother really well.
 

My body fell numb as warm tears slowly pour down my cheeks. Already depressed and tired, I felt rage rising inside my body. How could I be so weak ? I was the leader, wasn't I ? I had to be strong. How can I be a good hyung if I cry like that now ? I am not even able to manage our dino's and divas's love fights, Taemin and Kibum's endless discussions that always end up in a fight as well as Minho's teasing over Jonghyun's height.
Over the years, our unity was slowly falling apart. Everyone was growing different interests and that had a huge impact on our personalities. How will I be able to hold them together ?
I hated myself for being so incompetent. I hated myself for breaking and the most for being afraid of what would happen.
 

Life is cruel. It makes you fall and when you are laying on the ground, weak and tired, life kicks you eventually.
Life is worthwhile ? What for ? Even if I try to find something that is worth living, I always come up with another reason to die, to run away from my fate and hide somewhere no one would be able to find me.
 

Sorrow, grief, sadness, depression. These are all emotions that weaken us. They claim into your heart, ripping it apart and murdering every little trace of happiness, luck or love. They pain us deep inside.
But in the end, the only thing that really brings us down is fear. The fear of losing an important person, of not being accepted or the fear of failing ... And hand in hand there is regret coming along with it, breaking you down to your knees. It will throw you down a black hole where you will keep on falling and falling and falling ... 
There are really powerful feelings we can build in our hearts, but fear and regret, will destroy you. And then, with the last piece of energy left in your body, you will start feeling guilty for everything that messed up your own life.
 

If life was worthwhile then what is it that makes it worth living ? 
 

Someone said that God never gives us challenges that are beyond our abilities and weakness forces strength.
But I can't feel it. I don't know if there is anything that would make me still feel loved even though I was suffering from the hardships of life.
 

I opened my eyes again and searched for a tissue in my bag to dry my face from the salty tears that were almost drenching my cloths. A warm touch on my shoulder made me jerk suddenly and I saw a white sheet of tissue appear in front of my face. I would always recognize these hands that were holding it and the warmth of the gentle contact immediately drove away my loneliness. 
I took the tissue out of his hands and started drying my face. He walked to the seat in front of me and as I looked up into the chocolate brown eyes in his flawless face, he was staring at me, a peaceful smile gracing his plump lips.
 

"Hyung, coffee ?" he asked still smiling and holding out a familiar looking cup of coffee with two straws in my direction.
 

People say that the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.
Maybe they are right.
I took a sip from the coffee and gave Taemin a sincere smile. Just in that moment all the fear and sorrow was forgotten and it finally dawned on me.
 

When I looked at Taemin I saw forgiveness, I saw truth. He has always been there believing and protecting me.
Sometimes we just have to make the decision to be happy, right ? Just realize that things aren't what we hoped they'd be. Not ever. For anybody. We have to accept what comes our way and try our best to move on.
As huge as pain and fear can be, sometimes one person is enough for you to realize that even life is worth living. Not to be happy, not to be a good leader, but simply to be with that one specific person.
 

When life failed me, he was always there ...

Something worth living ?
I couldn't stop smiling at the thought of it but, Taemin ... I guess ... It's always been you ...