January 21, 2009 - Session #1
Patient: Shim Changmin
Doctor-in-Attendance: Dr. Park Yoochun M.D. 
Session Length: 36mins

   This whole thing is a load of bull.
 What exactly do they think will happen? That I'm going to sit here and reveal to you the darkest corners of my soul, analyse it and then tell me what's wrong with my life? Because I don't need a stranger with a medical degree to do that for me. I didn't ask anyone to come into my life and tell me it's a pile of . Because I know it is. Of course it ing is. And now you look like you're going to speak, and I already know that this will bring me nothing. "Hello Changmin-ssi," you say. I smile a little, because your accent is so high-bred, I feel unclean next to you. "My name is Yoochun. How are you today?"

 As far as introductions go, this is the best. The worst one by far is on my first day as a cell mate of Block D-1. Three angry masses of hulking muscle looked me up, smiled at each other and greeted me with their filth. Needless to say, I think they've stained a large part of me. I decide not to answer you, because I want to see how far you can go with just silence to analyse. I looked around the room, barely noticing you've started to talk again. It's all white and clean and... I hate it. I hate the orderliness of it all, the smell of cleaning agents and fresh paper. The leather bound books that are piled neatly next to each other on the walls, the sunshine flooding through the floor to ceiling windows... all of this is wrong. It doesn't suit me, and I don't want to be here. 

 Because every ing thing in this room reminds me of her. 

 Even things that aren't even related to her. Like that plush sofa chair. Or that vase in the windowsill.

I get up, and you look slightly startled. Are you really that jumpy? Or are you just a frightened little man, afraid of the big bad prisoner? I didn't care which, because I am heading for the door. I turn the knob, "Are you that fond of running?" I knew I should've tuned you out, but I have no idea what the hell made me turn around. I look at you, and my anger spikes. You have a smug look on your face. "Well, are you?"

"No," I say through gritted teeth. "I don't run."

  "Then what are you doing now?" God you're so annoying. It's like everything is a game to you; see which line makes the mental boy crack first. Well I don't want to play your games. I just want to go home. 

"I want to avoid you," I answer. 

"Why?"

"Because I don't like you."

You let out a bark of laughter. That makes me even more angry, and I hate that you're getting to me. "We hardly know each other Changmin-ssi," you reply, still smiling. "We hardly have enough if not any cause to hate each other."

"The longer I spend here, the more reasons you're giving me," I mutter, turning for the door again. 

"Tell me about your parents." 

I stop for a moment. I have reached that deathly calm that always happens straight before a mental breakdown. I want to scream. I want to throw things and I want to hurt people. But most of all, I just want to numb this hollow pain that always happens when someone mentions 'parents'. I slowly turn to look at you. "Why would you are about people that don't exist?"

"Parents play a vital role in the development of a human being," you say to me, in a voice that is very matter-of-factly. "Because of them, children learn humility, mannerisms and often take after their-"

"Well explain my situation then," I say harshly, my fists curling at my sides. "How come I turned out like this? Maybe my parents went to Church. Maybe they're good law abiding citizens. What would they do when they find out they've delivered one ed up little monster?"

You're silent as you digest my words. "I don't believe you're a monster, Changmin-ssi," you say quietly. It was my turn to be silent. "I believe that in the absence of your parents, other people such as your friends have affected the way you think. And their ideals and perception of you have taken roots deep within your mind, so much so that you now think of yourself as others do." I can't even speak; your arrogance is so overwhelming. I refuse to talk to you further. You glance down at the papers on your lap, then looked back at me. "What have you been doing to keep yourself occupied before you went to prison?"

The smell of fresh sheets of photo paper engulfs Changmin as he enters the studio.
With a disposable camera, he winced slightly at the expensive looking DSLRs.
But he carried on walking anyway, his long unkempt hair falling over his eyes.
A woman turned to greet him, a bright smile on her face as she raised a hand in salute.
"Hello!" she said cheerfully. "I'm Sooyoung. It's really nice today right? Hopefully we should have some good contrasts!"
Changmin stared at her, that happy smile and an obviously bright perspective for the future. 

 An intense hatred surged through him.

 "I was doing a photography course," I answer you, my jaw barely moving. Memories as painful as that should never be remembered. And I've tried so hard to stop them all. But when days are as sunny as this, and with your smile so clear in my memories, I just can't help but feel so... sad. 

"With Choi Sooyoung-ssi?" you ask. Even hearing your name out loud causes me pain. "I hear you have history with her-" 

I don't know what happened. Next you were sitting calmly, the next I am standing over you, my fist throbbing slightly from when I hit you square on your jaw. My breathing came in short gasps, and blood pounded through my hearing. "Don't you dare," I say, my teeth clenched tightly together. "Mention her in front of me."

 "But I must ask," you say quietly, rubbing your sore jaw. "Because then we can piece together what troubles your mind."

Changmin raises his camera, a disposable one, because he can't afford the high quality stuff.
He wondered if he was crossing some sort of line, but she did say to take a picture, any picture so that she may grade it.
So with the sunshine pouring in from behind her, the light bouncing off her smooth skin, her eyes widened in surprise he pressedthe small black button. A flash.
The whirring of the disposable camera.
Then silence.

"Why me?" she asks him breathlessly, after a few quiet moments passed.
He paused, hearing the wonder in her question, the anticipation in her wide eyes and the parting of her soft lips.
He wonders why it is that he must hurt the kindest people.

He turns then, pocketing the small camera. His grip tightens slightly, "You said anything."

 "Stop," I breathe heavily. I rest my head against my hands, memories of you flashing through my mind. "I don't want to remember."

 "But you must," you urge silently, your composure back to normal. If anyone were to walk in on us right now, they wouldn't have known that I had just punched you. But if they looked closer, they would've seen the redness of your jaw, the slight tension in your posture. It's like we were playing a game, to see who's nerve could outlast the other's. "You have to remember."

 "No," I say hoarsely, desperation clear in my voice. Thinking of you is too painful-

The vintage polaroid camera lay shattered on the floor, two figures standing over it.
Changmin's hands shook as he bent down to pick up the pieces, feeling the finality of his actions.
He straightened to place the shattered remnants on the table, quietly staring at it as he formed sentences in his mind.
He turned to her, his lips parting to let the words flow from his mouth-

A slap.

It echoed in the empty studio, among the hundreds of photos taken.
Memories captured of happier times, a reminder of days spent in each other's company.
Sooyoung's face was hidden, her dark hair shielding her as she retracted her hand.
He felt the sting on his cheek numbed by the tearing of his heart.
"All I wanted was you," she whispered.
"I told you," he replied hoarsely, desolation echoing in his words. "I can't provide for you."
"Did I ask you to make decisions for me?!" she snaps, her eyes flying to his face.
Changmin's soul drowned in those clear brown eyes of hers, the anguish in hers mirroring his own. He shook his head dumbly.
She stepped away from him, forming a thin line. "I don't understand you," she said. "You said you needed me, and I told you I'd give myself to you. We could be so happy Changmin..."
The sound of his name on her lips.
He closed his eyes, knowing that he has truly lost her forever. "Happiness... I can't afford such a thing."

  "Why did you let her go?" you ask softly.

 "I had to," I say, the pain closing around my throat, making it difficult to speak. "She deserved a better life, a life that I know I can't give her-"

 "You could've made a fresh start," you say, standing up. You put your hands in your pockets. "You did have what she-"

 "Don't tell me what I can and can't give!" I howl, standing abruptly. "She needs someone who is more than me, someonw who won't let her down, someone who won't hurt her..." I close my eyes, hot tears fighting their way out. "I don't want to hurt her..."

 "She found something in you that's worth the pain," you tell me, and a metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel shone. "She would've risked all she had, just for the sake of you. You only needed to give yourself to her, and she would've been yours."

"It's better like this," I say, turning from you. My hands shook by my sides, my mouth trembles as they open. "To treat people like , to make them feel like they're less than nothing... because it's so painful. To get attached and then to find that you're not wanted, and all the love you chose to bestow is worth nothing. It's better to feel empty, because my heart can't take the burdens of love."

 "Why don't you tell her?" the simple suggestion seems almost incredulous. Like telling a child to eat if they're hungry. But why did it make perfect sense? Why now, when I could've said it five years ago? Resolution washed over me, and determination that I have never felt before bloomed. And I found that I'm running, running to a street that I know very well. Towards a house I could only ever look upon, but never have the nerve to knock on its door. A few quick bounds, and my knuckles pounded against the sunny yellow door. My breathing was erratic, from excitement, anticipation and exertion. Clicks were heard from the other side of the door, and it swung open.

"I did love you," I blurt out. Seeing your face again seemed to open a floodgate of words, one that I can't close the barriers to. "Once. I swear to you that I did. You were everything I ever hoped for in my life, and I should've welcomed you with open arms. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasted our chance Soo, but mostly because I wasted your love."

You look extremely surprised, with that familiar wide eyes and parted mouth. But then you smile and nodded, and I felt my soul lighten. My mouth relaxed into a smile, and I reach out to tuck a strand of your hair behind your right ear. "Thank you." I then turn, feeling the sun upon my skin again. I breathe the cleanliness of the spring air, the light breeze playing softly through my hair. I was a free man. I stopped and glanced at you over my shoulder, a small polaroid with crinkled edges between my fingers. I held it up. "I'll be better Sooyoung. I promise."