Hi, I'm Cheska. Today is a big day, it's Sean's wedding. He's not just a best friend to me but also a brother. We love doing things together. He'd been waiting for this day, to marry the one he really loves. He's 3 years younger to me but he thinks more mature and he's really tall. The girls envy me because of our closeness. We eat on the same plate, he can on my ice cream, I am him and he is me. He's the cutest guy in the town and I'm proud that he's my best friend. He asked me to sing on his wedding. Yes! I sing. I'm the lead vocalist of our amateur band called LittleGiants. Why LittleGiants?  Sean told me that their lead vocalist, which is me, is just small but has a giant heart. Yes. He's the first one who called me that codename and the others followed. Since then, we decided to call our band "LittleGiants". He can play lots of musical instrument but he's more on guitar. He always told me how he love my voice, and sometimes I wish I'm just a voice so he would love me too..

Right, I secretly fell madly in love with my best friend. Not because he is good looking but because of just being him, so simply natural. This is just another pathetic story of someone liking someone who likes someone else. So tragic. I still love him and my heart is crushing every time I see them together so sweet with each other. But I love him and I want him to be happy. There's no way I would tell him that I love him more than best friends. He's getting married in just a few hours. My feelings for him will remain in my heart forever untold.

They'll be having a night wedding and it was my suggestion. Yeah. I'm stupid. I've always want a night wedding. I wish it could be the two of us. But what if I confess my love for him? Will it make a difference? Will he be mine? I think it's too late. He's drowned for Mae. Since he met Mae. It's always been her. I have cried a lot secretly. People always tell me how they wish it's me and Sean. They thought we would be together, that's what I thought too, but we just thought of it.

I woke up early today, I slept here in studio, it's an apartment my band rent for years, it's where we practice, sleep over, watch movies and we're all playing like kids. Here we are all away from our nagging mothers. The studio is so special to me. There are lots of memories here. Especially the bond Sean and I made. If this place could talk, it could have tell how stupid I am. Last night was the longest night I ever had. I want to call Sean and tell him I love him and I don't want him to marry someone else but half of me was so afraid.

I don't want to get up. I'm still thinking of him, the possibilities if I confess what my heart shouts. I have always showed them how I love them being together, even if I'm hurting. And I don't want to hurt Mae because she is Sean's happiness and she has always been nice to me. My tears roll on my cheeks voluntarily as I think in sorrow.

*tik (the door opens)

I don't expect anyone  would come for they are all going to be busy preparing for Sean's wedding. I wipe my tears and pretend to be sleeping.

"I know you're awake."

I am shock to hear that voice. It's Sean. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be preparing for tonight." It's too painful to say his wedding.

"I just want to be here, to reminisce my single years." he laughs and I smile. I miss the way he laughed; we hadn't bond for months, not because he's busy with the preparation but because I'm trying to stay away from him. He let her bride decides on everything. His laugh is always the best sound in my ears. I feel at ease for a moment being with him, just the two of us.

"I'm happy for you and Mae." I say as he sits on the edge of my bed.

"Yeah, thanks." we're staring on each other's eyes. I'm drowning on his eyes. We just smile on each other. I hope this moment will not end, if I could only stop the time.

"Can I hug you best?" he asks.

"Of course " I smile. He hugs me so tight. My tears are going to burst but I don't want to cry. I don't want him to see me crying because he's going to marry someone else.

"Thank you for everything best." he says while hugging me. I hug him too.

"You're really a man now. You never thank me for anything." I give a fake laugh. He doesn't say anything, I can feel his heart beat so fast, my heart is pounding too. There's silence. I just feel the rhythm of our hearts and it feels good.

"I hate you," he whispers in my ear, "You didn't even cry." I don't know what he means.

"Am I supposed to cry?" I ask him.

"I thought I'm a brother to you. My sister cried a lot when I told her I'm getting married." 

"I am now." I say as my tears roll down on my face. He let go of me and wipes my tears with his hands.

"You react too late," he laughs again. I just look down, "I'll miss being with you best. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm so glad you're my best friend."

"You're talking like we're not gonna be best friends anymore."  I say without looking at him. I'm afraid to look in his eyes and I don't want him to see how I am hurting.

"Honestly, I've been here since last night." he says in a boastful tone.

"What!?" I ask in shock. I look up and meet his eyes; they are blazing and not happy. He's staring in my eyes.

"I just know you're here." He sighs, "I know you'll leave if you knew I was outside"

"All night long?"

"Yeah!" He smiles at my reaction.

"You're crazy, do you want to get sick on your wed---" it's too painful to say the word.

He laughs so loud and says "You know that's what I miss, You always shout at me when you're concern," his smile fades and his face becomes serious, "You don't want me to know you're thinking about me but the more you hide it, the more I see it."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. I want to spend time with you."

"If you just let me know you' were there all night long, we could have done something more worthwhile."

"I know you'll leave if you found out I was there outside, knowing that you're here, near me, would be enough." He smiles and looks at me, "Anyway, I have something for you."

"For me? It's your day, not mine." I say as I look at his sparkling eyes.

"But before that, I just want to let you know, tomorrow, we'll be leaving. We're going to Hawaii." 

"Wow. So, have a great honeymoon. I'm happy you're happy best" it feels like my heart is being stabbed. He's not going to be mine. I'm fighting my tears. I don't want to burst anymore.

"Mae wants to live there. And I think that's a good idea. I don't know when I'll be back, I mean, We." he says as he leans forward. "I gonna miss you a lot. Everything we do. I'm so sorry, Ches." He holds my hands. Our eyes are glue to each other. 

"You don't have to apologize. I'm just your best friend and she's your wife to be." I give him a fake smile. Knowing that there's a small chance to see him again makes my heart sick. But then, I think it would be better for both of us. Maybe, I'll be able to forget about him if I don't see him.

"Oh. This is for you."  He says as he lends me a box. "Please don't open it until tomorrow."

"hmmmm, that makes me more  curious." 

"Ahmm. Ches, Sorry, I have to go," he says and smiles, "I've been missing for 12 hours, I don't want to scare them"

"So. See you tonight."

He smiles and says goodbye.

Alone again in the studio, watching him leave is too painful. How much more tonight. My tears fall on my cheeks. I can't stop it. Tonight could be the last chance I would see him. I want to stop the ticking of the clock, but it runs so fast.

I force myself to get up even if it hurts. Dressing up to attend the wedding of the only guy you want to be with feels like killing yourself slowly. This is so ridiculous, I also have to practice my facial expression in front of the mirror. I have to look happy if they see me. I have to fight what I truly feel.

My most awaited time of the day has come. I take a deep breath before I enter the reception. The ceremony will start in just a few minutes. I scan the crowd and find my band mates in the front pew. I joined them and Sean is there too.

"Hey, you're beautiful!" Sean compliments.

"Of course, It's my best friend's wedding. I should be on my best."  I smile at him. "You look handsome than ever."

"Well, It's my wedding,"  he says and smile, "Do you like the venue?"

"Yeah, It's perfect here."

"Thanks to Mae."

"Hey, Miss beautiful!" Kyle compliments as he joins our conversation. Kyle is my good looking suitor. He's courting me for almost four years.  But all I can give him is friendship. Sometimes I feel pity for him, he's trying hard to win my heart but my heart belongs to Sean. It's just giving up is not in his vocabulary.

"Thanks." I say.

"I'm hoping the next wedding would be the two of you." Sean says.

"That's not funny," I say.

"The bride is here! We're about to start." someone announces.

I watch Mae walks down to the aisle. She is so beautiful. This is her shining moment; I can see the joy in her eyes. It feels like the time goes slow. The pain devours my heart. This is unstoppable; She'll take Sean away from me forever. This is really goodbye. I want to run, far away from here. How can I pretend to be happy if my heart is hurting too much? I'm fighting my tears.

As they make their vow to each other, my tears fall, I can't stop it. My heart can't endure it anymore.

Kyle, who is sitting beside me holds my hand and asks, "Are you okay?"

"Of course, I'm just happy for them." I lie.

The ceremony ends. Everyone is happy but me. And it's my time to sing, I feel nervous, afraid, and hurt. I shouldn't be here. How could I sing if it's against my heart? I look at Sean and Mae, they smile at me. They are happy, I can't afford to hurt them. They deserve to be happy; I take a deep breath and give a signal to the band that I'm ready. Then, I start singing...

 

AS LONG AS I'M IN YOUR ARMS 

by June Ong and Daryl Leong 

Here in the deep of the dark 
Your love found its way to my heart 
Here in the midst of my insecurities 
You showed me what true love is

You taught me to stand on my own 
You showed me how I can be strong 
Even through tough times, I keep holding on 
'Coz I know I am never alone...

For as long as I'm in your arms 
For as long as I keep you here in my heart 
There is nothing to fear 
As long as you're here with me 
I'll be safe from all harm 
For as long as I'm in your arms

So hold me and never let go 
You know how much I love you so 
Together forever, we'll see each other grow 
Till the love that we have overflows

Bounded by God's boundless grace 
I know we can face come what may 
Even through dark times, I know I'd be safe 
Here in the warmth of your embrace...

For as long as I'm in your arms 
For as long as I keep you here in my heart 
There is nothing to fear 
As long you're here with me 
I'll be safe from all harm 
For as long as I'm in your arms

Here where every sunset beckons 
The light of a million stars 
Here is where I'm gonna spend 
The rest of my life 
Just right where you are...

For as long as I'm in your arms 
For as long as I keep you here in my heart 
There is nothing to fear 
As long as you're here with me 
I'll be safe from all harm 
For as long as I'm in your arms

I'll be safe from all harm 
For as long as I'm in your arms

I end the song with tears, the people applause but the sound of my crying heart is louder. I head straight to the comfort room. I look at the mirror and I look so miserable. I have to leave now. I can't stand it, I want to cry. It's goodbye forever Sean. 

I'm here again in the studio. Nobody saw me left. I'm alone again, crying, enduring the pain. I cry and cry and cry and cry till I fall asleep.

I just wake up, my eyes and head hurts. I'm still wearing the dress I wore on Sean's wedding, a proof that last night was not just a dream. I feel so tired; I don't want to get up. I'm hoping that the door will open again and Sean will come in, but it's impossible, they'll be leaving today. I glance at the clock and it's 11:27am, I overslept which I think is better. The silence deafens me and makes the atmosphere gloomier even if the sun is out. It's almost lunch time but I'm not in the mood to eat.

I take a long bath, I'll go home tonight hoping that the presence of my family would alleviate the pain and besides I haven't seen them for three days. I sit on the sofa and open the television, and then I notice a piece of paper on the table in front of me with a note in it.

"Hey, Cheska... why did you leave without my consent? You're so mean. How could you do that on my wedding day! I can't sleep last night, so... to make the long story short; I was here all night long watching you sleeping. Please don't get mad. I didn't wake you up, you look so tired." my tears fall down on my face. "Don't forget to open my gift. ok?"- Sean. :)

 Oh his gift, I almost forgotten. I glance at the table beside the bed where his gift rests. I open the box and find a notebook. I flip on the first page and read it.

For better imagination play the background music: Don't Forget by Juris Fernandez

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April 05, 2004

Hey, what should I call you? Journal? Diary? This is so ridiculous! A guy keeping a diary, but I think this is good. well, for the first day, I enjoyed hanging out with my band mates. The apartment would be lifeless without them. 

P.S I don't know when I'll write again. I just write whenever I like it. Don't wait for me. -Sean

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I wonder why he gave this thing to me. I flip to the next page.

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January 16, 2006

Hey.. yeah. It's been 2 years. I told you not to wait for me, right?

It's just I have this secret. I want to tell it to anyone but I'm shy. I'm liking a person, We're close but I'm not sure if she likes me too. She's so beautiful. I just hate her every time she teased me with some other girls. Why can't she tease me to herself? I don't have the guts to tell her I like her.. -Sean

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March 25, 2006

Hi, I think I'm falling for her. We're being closer and closer and closer, but I'm still not sure about her feelings to me. She's always been nice to me. I'm falling in love with my best friend. I want her to be mine. The people around us always teased us. -Sean

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March 27, 2006

I'm sad, Somebody asked her if I'm her boyfriend. She answered, "Of course not, He's almost my brother. And He's too young for me. That's impossible. It will never happen." I'm so hurt. I'm just a brother. I want to poke her! I hate this day. Maybe she haven't heard the saying "Age doesn't matter"

anyway I'm 19 and she's 22. But I really don't mind!

-Sean

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My tears roll on my face as I read. I can't believe this. I skip the other pages.

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November 16, 2008

I'm trying to be contented just being her best friend for years. I think our new keyboardist likes her. I hate the way he looked at Ches! Hey? What should I do? I'm doomed. :(

_______________________________________________________________________

December 12, 2008

Kyle asked me if I like my best friend. Of course I denied it. yeah. I'm so stupid. He said he wants to court her and I gave him my consent. What's happening to me? Idiot Sean!

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December 25, 2008

It's my birthday. Cheska spent her time with me. We're happy, especially me. I hate to see Cheska being with Kyle. I don't know if she likes Kyle. Why can't she see how much I love her? Why can't I tell her I love her? :((

_______________________________________________________________________

January 15, 2009

I'm about to tell her I love her more than a best friend, and then Kyle arrived. This is so insane! I'm afraid to tell her I love her. What if she rejects me? :/

_______________________________________________________________________

February 16, 2009

I met Mae and Cheska didn't stop to tease us. This is so bad. I hate this day. :(

_______________________________________________________________________

May 12, 2009

Maybe she wouldn't be able to love me. I'm just a brother to her. It really hurts me a lot. I love her more than anyone in this world. I think she likes Kyle now.  Mae confessed to me.  I turned her down. I pity her. :(

_______________________________________________________________________

May 30, 2009

Kyle asked me if I like Mae, I said No. I love someone else and I don't know how she feels about me. Kyle told me that all of us can teach our hearts to love someone we don't love, maybe he's right.  teach my heart to love Mae, she's nice and pretty but I love my best friend. I don't know what to do. Cheska supported Mae. 

Ches, why you're doing this. Why can't you like me?

_______________________________________________________________________

June 10, 2009

I asked Mae for a date. I don't know. Kyle asked me to do it. It's her birthday. I don't want to make people sad in their birthday. I also told her I love Cheska, she cried and told me she wouldn't tell it to ches. She said she's not giving up on me.

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June 12, 2009

Last night was good, we all slept in studio. While everybody was asleep, I enjoyed watching her. She's more beautiful when she's sleeping. I'm loving her even more, but she will never be mine. :(

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August 20, 2009

I asked Mae if she could help me love her and forget about Cheska. I don't want to do this but I can't bear the pain anymore whenever she's with Kyle. I want to move on, I need it. I know it will be cruel for Mae but I think I'll be able to teach my heart to love her too. This is goodbye Cheska.

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 December 29, 2009

I asked Mae to marry me. This is crazy and she agreed. She's so happy when I proposed to her, she even cried.  I still love Ches but Mae deserves to be happy, she's always by my side. I know I cause her too much pain. I can't hurt her anymore. So we started the plan. She said 2012 would be the best.

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January 18, 2010

We announced to the band that we're getting married. They're so happy. Cheska burst in excitement, I hate it. I'm just a best friend. I love her, no one compares to her. I love everything about her. I love it even when she's mad. I love her voice, it's a voice of an angel. We're so close; I thought she will love me too. But I'm just a brother... a brother... 

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May 30, 2012

It's been years.. How are you diary? I've been keeping you for almost eight years, I'm getting married next month with Mae. I still love Cheska, I don't want to stop loving her. My love for her grows each day. My day wouldn't be complete without her. But she's being closer to Kyle too. We hadn't bond for months, she's busy with Kyle. How can I let her go?

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June 16, 2012

The wedding will be tomorrow night. I have to do this for me and for Mae. We're going to Hawaii the day after tomorrow. My feelings for Cheska will always remain in my heart untold. It kills me. This is so stupid! Crazy! I want to marry her. I want to grow old with her. Only her, why can't we be together?

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I cry a river. He's right, he's stupid. Why he did not tell me he loves me? Why we did not see we're in love with each other? I flip the notebook in the last page and read it.

_______________________________________________________________________

Hi, Ches. I know it's rude to give this to you. I asked you to open this after the wedding because I don't want you to feel awkward while we're here. This is true. I'm afraid to tell you I love you so much. It's you I want to marry, I'm always dreaming of growing old with you. I feel safe with you, I feel bad when you feel bad and I'm happy when you're in the good mood. You are my sunshine. I always want near you. Sometimes I want to tell you how much you mean to me but I'm afraid that you will reject me.  I don't want you to stay away from me that's why I remain as your best friend. In a way I can hold your hand and hug you. It really hurts me seeing you with Kyle, I know he loves you. I envy him. I don't know why I'm going to marry Mae but I don't want to hurt her anymore. I know I'll be able to teach my heart to love her. She knew how much I love you that's why we decided to go far away from you. I'm so sorry for this. I will always love you..

______________________________________________________________________

I really can't believe this. Knowing that he loves me too feels good. All the pain I kept for years has vanish, but he's gone now. There's no chance he's going to be mine. I sob. We didn't even know we love each other. We're both cowards. I run outside and left the apartment with the door wide open, they might not leave yet, maybe he could wait. I can't stop crying.

I hope he's still there. I want to tell him I love him too, more than best friend, more than a brother. I'm still holding his journal. I want to be with him. I too, want to grow old with him.

I'm in front of their house. I know this is wrong, he's married now but I still want to see him. 

I'm crying like a child, I ring the doorbell and his mom gets out.

"Oh? Cheska? What happen? Why are you crying?" Sean's mom asks.

"Where is Sean, Auntie?"  I ask as my tears fall like fountain.

"He's not here. They leave early in the morning." That breaks my heart.

I fall on my knees. Sean's mom kneels down too and asks, "What's happening?"

"I love Sean. I love him more than anyone. Why he have to marry Mae?"

"He loves you too," She burst in tears as she says it, "I told him to tell you but he's so afraid because he thought you like Kyle"

"Why didn't anyone tell me? I want to be with Sean. tThat's my only dream. Why it has to be like this?"

"I'm sorry Ches." 

I can't stop crying. Sean's mom comforted me. This is my great loss. This is so ironic. My heart cries. I miss Sean. I love him so much... but he's gone FOREVER.

 

And our love will be forever untold.