There are hundreds, maybe even thousands of fans watching. With cameras and cellphones instantly connecting to the internet, he’s sure it will eventually mean millions of people will see him as he is right now, in this very moment, and so he has to be strong. Adorable. Young.

But he can’t be any of those things no matter how hard he tries because his already cracked composure shudders at its precarious foundations as soon as the song starts. Daehyun-hyung and Youngjae-hyung are singing. He knows because he can hear their voices booming passionately from the large speakers surrounding the stage, can feel the vibrations pounding through his chest, but his mind is not on them.

He waves his hands half-heartedly as he wears a smile that feels too heavy upon his lips. He tries to hide his sadness, tries to keep his pain from the fans' view so that they won’t worry because he doesn’t want to bother anyone.  He doesn’t want to be a burden.

The task becomes completely impossible as soon as Yongguk-hyung’s low rumble washes over his ears. It’s the same comforting sound that he’s heard countless times before; however, it now brings nothing but a merciless onslaught of pain. It sends the freshly battle worn barricade around his heart crumbling syllable by syllable.

‘Meeting other girls like it’s nothing,

Turning off my phone,

Pretending not to see your phone calls;

They are my lies.

I didn’t know about unconditional love back then.

On this road called separation where I can’t turn back.’

He’s still on stage, still trying to follow along with the song while traitorous tears escape him and longing constricts his windpipe with bruising skill, but his mind has vanished to a dark place. His thoughts have flooded back to the night before against his will. Even though he doesn’t want to relive it, the memory is there before his eyes in haunting clarity.

“No! I know you’re young, but even you must be able to understand how wrong it is to even suggest something like that,” Yongguk-hyung had growled as he’d pushed him away with a quick, insistent hand.”You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about, Zelo.”

He’d stared, both in shock and hurt, at his hyung’s serious expression. Yongguk-hyung had never talked down to him like that before, had never sounded so cold and harsh, had never called him Zelo with such a complete lack of the tenderness he’d come to crave.

Junhong had known, despite the certainty etched on his hyung’s face, Junhong had known that Yongguk-hyung hadn’t meant what he’d said at all. He might have been six years younger, but he was by no means any less intelligent. He could read the warmth in his hyung’s eyes, could feel the desire in the touches that were disguised as innocent friendliness, could hear his own feelings echoed in the gentle caress of his hyung’s words when they were alone with only the self-instated distance keeping them apart.

Yongguk-hyung had wanted to be with him just as much as Junhong wanted it. He’d been sure of it, and he hadn’t been about to give up so quickly. Stepping forward, he’d ignored his hyung’s narrowed eyes and grabbed his hand, placing it over his racing heart and holding it there.

“Can you feel my heart dancing under your touch? I’d be willing to bet that your heart is doing the same thing right now,” Junhong had challenged desperately, moving his free hand toward his hyung’s chest only to have his wrist snatched into a vice-like grip. Junhong had swallowed, trying to maintain his determination in the face of his hyung’s annoyance. “I know exactly what I’m talking about, hyung.”

They’d stared at each other in silence for a few moments. Yongguk-hyung’s face had gone through many emotions—anger, frustration, uncertainty, a flicker of hope—and just as he’d seemed to come to a decision, the front door had opened to reveal the other members. They’d exchanged worried looks and then teasing smiles (‘Zelo-ah is finally getting scolded by leader hyung. hahaha’) before shuffling to the kitchen with their heavy grocery bags. Himchan-hyung had stopped in the doorway, calling over his shoulder to demand Yongguk-hyung help him put everything away. Yongguk-hyung had nodded, shooing Himchan-hyung away.

Junhong had still had hope that his hyung would accept what was between them. He’d thought that his hyung was simply planning to wait until they had more privacy to continue their conversation. He’d been wrong.

As Yongguk-hyung had brushed past him to the kitchen, he’d leaned close and spoke quietly in his ear. “I’m sorry, but I won’t accept your feelings. Please don’t burden me with this again.”

‘I’m an idiot; I’m a coward.

Now I think that I know your love,

The words that come back to me,

It’s all a lie, saying that I can forget you.

I know you the best. I know you the best.

I know you better than anyone else.

We used to love.

You don’t have the guts; you can’t erase me.

Tell me this is a joke.

Tell me this is a prank.

Can’t you see me crying? Oh, babe.’

He silently mouths the words to himself as Youngjae-hyung and Daehyun-hyung sing. He has to wipe the tears away from the tops of his cheeks with shaking fingers, biting his lip to keep it from trembling. He in a deep breath and tries to prepare himself for his part which is rapidly approaching. When it comes, he gets through it because he’s on a stage in front of loving fans and he’s doing what he loves to do more than anything else in the world, but his chest still feels too tight and his smile isn’t entirely genuine.

The next song starts and the tears are back. He wonders briefly why every word reminds him so strongly of Yongguk-hyung. He wonders why it all has to be so difficult, why two people can’t just love each other without everything else getting in the way, why who they love should matter to anyone else in the first place.

He heaves a sigh, trying valiantly to keep the majority of his tears locked inside at least until he’s off stage, but the song is getting to him. When he glances up, he sees a camera recording him. He tries to smile, to shake it off and look like he’s having a good time. He tries to play it cool by singing along more animatedly because he doesn’t want the fans to worry about him, and he doesn’t want to disappoint them. More than anything, he doesn’t want to let them down.

Yongguk-hyung begins rapping again, and he can’t stop the hurt from showing on his face as he listens.

‘I’m sure I’ll be in heartache from time to time, even regret it,  

But I’m not going to show it, even if I shed tears.

You can curse me all you want, since that’ll be easier for me, I think.

I won’t give a pitiful explanation since I can’t because I’m worth only this much.’

He looks, though he knows that he shouldn’t because it’ll only make things worse, and his breath catches at the sight of Yongguk-hyung appearing so sad. His hyung continues, sending fleeting glances in his direction before quickly averting his eyes, and he knows that his hyung has seen the tears on his face. It makes his cheeks heat up and his ears burn in embarrassment and shame, but it’s too late now.

For a split second their eyes meet. He frowns fiercely when he realizes that Yongguk-hyung’s eyes are unexpectedly wet, and then he’s left staring like all the other fans because his hyung won’t look at him again.

The rest of the performance passes in a blur of sounds and lights. He knows that he rapped when he was supposed to do so. He knows that he smiled for the pictures and did lots of cute poses toward the end. It wasn’t his best show, but it wasn’t bad. So he’s understandably surprised when his angry hyung pulls him away from the door to the changing room and pins him to the wall in a nearby hidden alcove.

“Please don’t look at me like that,” Yongguk-hyung almost pleads. In that moment, he realizes that his hyung isn’t angry but something else equally as powerful and intimidating. Yongguk-hyung is scared.

“Like what?”

Yongguk-hyung takes a shaky breath and groans. His hyung hides his face in the crook of his neck, still pinning him to the wall with his body and running a thumb over his cheek in a move that makes his insides twist. “Like you hate me. Like it hurts to look at me.”

He feels fresh tears gathering in his eyes because it’s not fair for his hyung to ask anything of him. Because he does hate his hyung a little bit for being too afraid to do what will make them both happy. Because his heart feels like it might burst from the warmth of his hyung’s body pressed against his own.

“I don’t want you to cry, Zelo-ah,” Yongguk-hyung whispered brokenly. “I want to protect you because you’re so precious to me, but it turns out that I’m only causing you pain. What should I do?”

Yongguk-hyung’s eyes are searching his hungrily, desperately, and he knows his answer is selfish. He understands why his hyung thinks they shouldn’t give in to their feelings, why it would be safer for them to ignore the fluff filled elephant in the room, but he also doesn’t care because his hyung’s eyes are shining with unshed tears and more than anything, he wants that saddness to go away.

Carefully, he raises his hand and places it against his hyung’s chest. The fast paced patter of Yongguk-hyung’s heart flutters against his palm. He smiles crookedly and replies with his selfish answer without any shame. “Be mine, hyung. All you have to do is be mine.”

His hyung smiles in return, all teeth and gums and dimples causing another warm twist in his stomach, and shakes his head. He’s shocked to feel the firm press of Yongguk-hyung’s full lips against the corner of his mouth before his hyung’s strong arms hold him close. They stand in silence for a few moments, simply marvelling at the happiness welling up inside, when his hyung breaks the quiet with a playful quirk of his lips.

“Hey, Jello-ah?”

“Hmm?” He hums in response, eyes closed as he rests his head against Yongguk-hyung’s.

“I guess you do know exactly what you’re talking about.”

He laughs happily with a nod and tightens his hold on his hyung because he knows it's where both of them belong.