I am not a traitor.

Do you all think I had a choice? I did not have a say. I was kicked out; for health reasons, they said. Believe what you want.

I loved them. I loved them, and I still do. Hyunsik hyung and Eunkwang hyung and Minhyuk hyung and my best friend Jung Ilhoon the Idiot. I love them all, and I miss them very much.

Leaving was not something I could control. If I could go back in time, I would stick with the original plan and debut with them.

I had to leave, but I am not a traitor.

We trained together every day. We lived together and ate together and even filmed a drama together. How can I not have some sort of attachment towards them?

Eunkwang hyung was my role model. He worked so hard, and he took care of all of us like a true leader and hyung. He sang beautifully: for himself, for us, for the world.

Minhyuk hyung was my support. His contagious laugh and cheerful spirit always lifted my mood, no matter what brought me down. He was such a joy to have around.

Hyunsik hyung was my inspiration. His immense talent in singing and composing motivated me to do my utmost best at everything that I tried.

And Jung Ilhoon... he was my best friend. His mischievous ways and pranks got us into more trouble than you can ever imagine. He was humble and down-to-earth. He poured his soul into rapping.

I loved them, my original members. I will never forget the dances and the songs we learned together. Sometimes, when I see them on TV and they’re performing that song I know so well, something inside me hurts and a part of me wishes nothing changed.

I hurt because I was supposed to be up there with them, performing that all-too-familiar song and dance, but I am not a traitor.

I am happy where I am now. I am thankful for this position. The hyungs treat me well, and it’s cool to not be the maknae and to have someone to fuss over instead of being fussed.

They are my family, now. The old chapter is finished, and they are a whole new chapter in the book of my life. I choose to make this chapter a happy one. I choose to be happy. Besides, what’s there not to be happy about?

Barom hyung teaches me English and dance, and I, in turn, teach him the techniques of rap. Hyunil hyung and Jun hyung are crazy, fun people to be around, and Siwoo hyung gives the best advice ever. The atmosphere with them is different, but I am happy.

But just because I’m happy and just because I love my new teammates as much as I do my old ones, I am a traitor?

Both sides attack me. One side says that I’m a traitor because I left them for a new group. The other side—the side that should be supporting me—says that I’m a traitor because I still feel for my old group. Can’t you put yourselves into my shoes?

I am not a traitor. I love my old team, and I love my new one. I was put through a lot, but I grew up, learned new things, and moved on.

Sometimes the past does get to me, but I am content where I am now. I am excited to be here; and, though I do wish all the best things for my old friends, my true desire is for my current group to succeed and to get to the top.

All I want is for all of them to be happy.

All I want is to be happy.

I try not to let the opinions of others get to me. They are merely insignificant keyboard warriors behind the safety of their monitor screens. What they think does not matter. They don’t know a thing.

I know the truth. My members know the truth. My friends do too. They all know that I’m not a traitor. I am not.

Scrolling through the various news articles and random blogs hurts my eyes. It has been two hours since I’ve started clicking and reading a whole new world. The words dance on the screen, and I almost hear them laugh mockingly at me.

I have never thought of myself as a traitor. I never knew so many people did.

They see things in a different light. An entire new perspective is introduced to me, a view I have never seen before. My inner eye is filled with so many fresh ideas that I can’t remember what used to be there before these new thoughts entered. They are fresh... yet dark and scary.

My mind is racing, mentally refuting every single attack they are throwing at me. ...or at least I’m trying to.

I know that I am not a traitor, but the comments get too much and the spiteful words slowly imprint themselves into my brain.

...and despite all my reasoning, I start to believe that I am.

I really love the fact that I came to promote with them under the name C-Clown.

 
                                                                                                       - T.K., C-Clown


I... I don't know. It's 4:40am, and I had this idea bugging me, and I just had to write it, and mmmmm.
I actually have a flight to catch at 11pm tomorrow (or today), and I haven't packed a single thing ahahah. /dies
Okay, I'm off to sleep. :3 Enjoy this. ...whatever it is. >< 
 

[rochesterambles]