It was hard for me to let go of his hand

Relationships are never easy. I don't care anymore it is never easy. When you love someone you always want to hold onto them. That is why a lot of people are scared of changes and losing control. I know that was the case for me.

 

Back on our special day

"You look so beautiful," her mother said, as she walked into the room, standing beside her.

She smile and nodded in agreement, admiring the dress. She was indeed beautiful.

There was a knock at the door. "Five minutes ladies," her father’s voice yelled from the other side.

The feelings of nervousness that had disappeared were back again. She began fiddling with a strand of hair, trying to ignore the terrible feeling in her stomach. She could try to deny her feelings to herself.

She fell into a chair, her head buried in her hands, shoulders trembling. Kneeling in front of her, her mother gave a bit of advice to sooth her on her wedding day.

"This is your special day. You've meet a great guy that is head over heels in love with you, and would do anything to make you happy. You meant for each other more than any other people in the entire world, and you'll never fall out of love with each other, because you both love each other to much. And the ceremony won't go wrong, because everyone put too much into it to let any details be crooked. I think you'll be more worried about it being too perfect. So are you going to sit here and worry, or are you going to go and marry the man you were meant to marry?"

Chaerin stood up, wiping all traces of tears from her eyes. "I'm going to marry the man I love."

Her mother smiled. "Good."

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now ..... continue kissing the bride."

Seungri didn't even wait for the final words. He had already pulled Chaerin into a passionate kiss, that neither one wanted to end. But all good things had to end, and they broke apart smiling, not hearing the cheers of their fellow inhabitants. They were in their own world together.

 

Back when we were learning how to walk and stand together

Every step was joyful. I know it goes without saying that with more privileges come more responsibility, but also with more privileges comes more fear. It means trusting that everything will be okay without those reminders and that routine.

"You really should have worn the bikini I bought you."

"I'm not wearing that ridiculous thing! I'm not eighteen anymore!” Chaerin said with her eyes wide. "Calm down my dear darling, you'll get to see as much of my body as you want later tonight" she eventually rolled off him and lay beside him resting her head on his shoulder. She is feeling happy and loved and she planned on enjoying every second of it basking under the umbrella in the warm tropical sun watching the waves rolling up on the beach.

Seungri was also watching the waves, just enjoying the day and the feel of his beloved wife’s body pressed against his. She was clinging to him as if she was afraid he would disappear if she ever let go. He pulled her in tighter.

"Seungri, I want kids."

"Are you sure? I mean it’s still early."

"Of course I did” she whispers in seducing tone. Her lips left Seungri ear and moved to his neck. She kissed the skin of his neck. Her lips traced the grove on his and on the way. She let out a soft moan.

Seungri smiled. "I can see you've already made up your mind."

"I made up my mind the day I married you."

 

The best thing in life is to love and be loved in return

I remember memories with him, of laughter and joy, thinking of him will bring happiness because it's him.  I remember that like it was yesterday.

 

Oh how I feel today

I never thought I would have to go through this nightmare. When I heard the news about his illness I thought I would just crawl into a hole and disappear. My spirit was broken. Now they say he has hours left if that.

 

How I won't let him see the tears… if I could just smile cause…

How I wish I won't let him see me hurting. First of all it's not like he can chose to get well if he could I know he would. I don't want him to think that he's abandoning me. Once he gets to heaven I want him to be okay that he's there. I want him to be happy and at peace not feeling guilty.

 

Sometimes love means holding on with all your heart and soul

This couldn't be happening … but the doctor reassured me it wasn't bad. They promised me he would be okay… they promised!

 

But now I've learned at last I know

Do I really want him to live? The selfish part of me does for sure. He's the most perfect thing that ever happened in my life…… but he's suffering. What kind of a life is that for him?

 

Sometimes love means letting go

'Seungri it's okay. I will be okay' I'm saying those words in my head but I can't bring myself to say it out loud.

 

As I watch him knowing soon he'll drive away

I feel Seungri’s hand touching on my hand.

"I can't .....," I tell him.

"Sometimes love means letting go," he whispers back.

"I know," I sob, "but I'm not ready to let you go."

 

Wounded by the battles that wage on inside our hearts

"It's going to be hard," he tells me, "and it's going to hurt.”

Look at him. He isn't supposed to experience this sort of pain.

 

We love each other but that's not enough

A thought occurred to me. Why does God have to take him away from me? Did I do something wrong?

 

And nobody wants to leave but staying hurts too much.

As if he could read my thoughts he whispered to me, "no you didn't do anything wrong. I lived my life. It was short but it was full. I knew I will always been loved."

 

So lets make one more promise that today will be the day

"You were," I whispered softly his head. His hair fell out during chemotherapy. Once again tears filled my eyes.

 

When we take the step together to go our separate ways

"But then I'll never see you again," I said tears filling my eyes.

"Not on here," Seungri said, "but the time will come when you will see me again"

I found it impossible to say the words that came into my mind. I can't let you go.

 

Trusting that the loving thing to do is walk away… cause

"Chaerin," Seungri asked, "do you remember our wedding day "

"Of course," I said, "how can I forget"

"That was an amazing day huh?"

"Yes," she admitted with a grin, "it really was"

 

But then came the illness, I thought to myself

I am losing him.

I want to set him free. I want to give him permission to leave this world and go to a place where he'll never be sick or hurt again. I want to tell him that the four years I spent with him will get me through until I see him again. I want to stop his pain. But my pain was just beginning.

 

Sometimes love means letting go

I know it's time for him to go. God gave him to me. Now it's time for Him to take him back. I just don't want to let go of the one thing I have left that's good in my life. My heart was shattered into a billion pieces on the floor.

 

And I'm hanging on to all I'm worth

I want this problem to just go away. The logical part of me says there's nothing more to be done. I don't want him hurting anymore. I also don't want him leaving me. But I know that I have to say goodbye.

 

When a voice inside me softly says

"He can't be hurting anymore. It's not fair to him. Please … goodbye isn't forever."

 

Sometimes love means holding on with all your heart and soul

"Seungri," I whisper, "it's okay honey."

That was the hardest thing I ever had to say. He could see I'm dying inside. He tenderly takes a finger and wipes the tears from my eyes.

 

But now I've learned at last I know

"Don't cry," he whispered weakly, "I might not be here physically but I'll always be in your heart." he added.

"And I love you" I told him.

Then he closed his eyes and breathed his last.

 

Sometimes love means letting go

It was the first time in two years that Seungri looked free of pain. My pain was just beginning. At the same time relief flooded my heart. I knew I would be with him again… not so long from now… I would see him again.