Disclaimer: I do not own Super Junior. I'll check again if SM sold them to me already... nope. still not mine.

I was too scared of society to show my real feelings; this love that has grown for years already. Now that I’m strong enough, will it be too late if I told you I have; I still; and always will, love you?

It’s been seven years since I first laid eyes on him. He was very… interesting. Yeah, that’s the word he was looking for. He’s younger than him by two years but he acts like a kid. He loves pumpkins, bunnies, and anything pink. He owns a pink sleeping gown for crying out loud. He may act feminine but don’t let it fool you. He can kick your faster than you can say aegyo.

Oh yeah, Speaking of aegyo, he’s got the title for aegyo king. He has that title for a reason. How the hell can someone be that cute, and hot, and funny, and talented, and kind, and strong, and perfect and good at cooking, and good at playing the guitar, and dancing and… oh, I’m off topic. Sorry about that. Where was I? Ah, cute. Yeah, he’s cute.

You might think he’s as simple as they come. But trust me, after living with him for years, I guarantee you he’s everything but. Maybe that’s why I fell for him, and those eyes, that smile, that personality, that voice, that body… yeah, that body. Oh, I drifted off again. Damn it.

Okay, let’s go back seven years ago. When we were first gathered together, I actually didn’t even notice him. He’s quiet and a bit awkward; no, make that a lot awkward.

“H-H-Hello hyung, I’m Lee Sungmin. Ummm… nice to meet you.” Sungmin shyly says to his hyung.

“Hey! I’m Kim Youngwoon but you can call me Kangin. Nice to meet you too. Uh, are you an assistant or something? Could you please find me some food? I’m starving.” Kangin replies to the boy.

“O-Oh, n-n-no. I’m also a part of the group.” Sungmin responds while looking down onto the floor.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that. It’s because you look so shy I thought you were here to assist us. You want to find some food?” Kangin cheerily says to his dejected dongsaeng.

“O-okay hyung, let’s go.” Sungmin answers with a shy smile.

I can’t believe I still remember that conversation; our first, actually. It was so awkward it’s almost funny.  I guess it was normal for us; getting used to new people and all that crud. At first, I just really wanted to protect him. I wanted to be the person he can go to when he has a problem. He looked so timid back then and he had a problem fitting in with the other members. But eventually he got past that and became very cute. That attitude of his got me so hooked into him. Those reactions that he makes whenever I just made me want to do it more.

One time while we were on a filming, I think it was for Super Junior Show, my teasing went too far and I kissed him. Can I call it accidental? I guess not; my aim was to kiss him. So I guess I got what I wanted. Do I regret it? Heck no. Even though it just lasted for less than a second; my insides suddenly decided to have dance practice. It doesn’t look like he hated it too; I thought I saw him blush a bit; in fact, he looked cute with that face and I guess that’s why I tried teasing him more. I think that’s how it all started.  

It’s funny how obvious my feelings for him were. Actually I just found that out recently. I saw the other members looking at fan made videos on Youtube. Those fans are better than freakin’ ninjas. It’s cool and kind of creepy how they’re able to put it all those stuff together even before I accepted it myself. So, Kangmin shippers, I love you. But I love Minnie more. You’d love that , right?

I saw the times when I’d always stick with him during Adonis Camp; the way I interacted with him all these years; the way that I’d unconsciously hold his hand. The way I looked at him when he danced dressed up like a girl back in Idol World. The dude can pass off as a girl anytime; and he was hot as hell, why would I NOT look? I saw a video when he kissed me through a piece of tissue paper then ran away. How can I not fall for someone that cute?

That’s why I can’t understand why they put us both on Intimate Note. Heechul and the Anchovy, I can understand; but me and him? I knew I was covering up my feelings for him but I’m sure as hell that I wasn’t the least bit trying to show that we aren’t close. It was fun though. It was like our first date when you look at it.

“Why are those two on Intimate note?” an agitated Heechul asked their leader?

“How should I know? I’m as surprised as you. Those two don’t look like they’re awkward, right?” answered their leader.

“Okay, fine. It’s all scripted anyway. The least you could do is enjoy. Look at it like it’s a date.” Heechul says with a smirk directed at Kangin who just stared at him wide-eyed.

“A d-date?  Us two? Haha! Very funny hyung.” Kangin stutters out to his hyungdeul.

After that “date”, I became very confused. I wanted to do it again. I wanted to go on another date with Sungmin. Back then I still won’t accept that I liked him so I was kind of a mess back then. But I wanted to tell him. But I was scared. What if he’s disgusted? What if the others find out? What if my parents find out? Yeah. I was a chicken back then. I get it.

But I was scared less. I was born an only child from a very traditional family. They wanted me to give them grandchildren. How was I supposed to tell them that their only son is in love with another man? Someone who’s in love with a person of the same gender is not treated the same; even if it is the 21^st century already.  So I did the normal thing. I tried stopping it. I denied my feelings for him. Though it never stopped me from showing what I really feel. I really wanted to stop these feelings back then.

That’s when I started going downhill. I got together with a different girl every week. I went to shootings late and sometimes drunk; sometimes I never came at all because of morning hangovers. I wanted to kill those feelings so badly that I even thought of quitting Super Junior altogether;

And then it happened.

That time when I was suspended by the company because of Hit and Run as well as DUI. Looking back, I guess I should be thankful that I got suspended. I had time to think. I guess that was the time that I accepted what I really felt. But back then, I saw myself as an irresponsible person; a person that will break under pressure. I even tried to keep my feelings; destroy it, even. I hated being a coward. I wanted to be someone strong enough to protect the person I love; someone who he can lean on; someone who’s going to be there when he needs it. But that person was not me. Not yet.

That’s why I left for the army.

I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I was going to tell him that I loved him the night before I left. But in the end, I chickened out. I could’ve just kissed him and let him figure out the rest but I couldn’t even do that. I was too scared of his answer. I won’t be able to handle seeing him look at me with disgust. Heh, even if he did love pink, it won’t mean he’s going to be able to love a man.

The only thing that left my mouth that night was “I’m going to miss you so much” Even if I wanted to scream to the world that I loved him.

Those two years in the army were very… enlightening. I found out that my feelings for him were special. Living with only men for two years made me realize that I don’t really see men the way I see him. In the army; we ate, trained, slept, and even took baths together. I can assume that I only feel that way toward him and not any other male. Or maybe the guys from the army were not my type.

When I decided to enter the army, it was for me to be able to think clearly; to sort out my feelings; and to see if I really love him. But what really happened was me wishing for it to be over already so that I can start the rest of my life with him.  

I remembered when I told Leeteuk, Heechul and Yesung about my feelings for him. Or rather when I found out how obvious it was that I liked him. It was when they visited me the month before I got discharged.

I should’ve known they already knew everything before I even knew what’s up.

“And you just told us about this now because?” says Leeteuk with a warm smile and a comforting hand on his back.

Kangin, shocked at the response of his hyung and leader was only able to say

“W-what? You already knew?”

“Just a wild guess; and you don’t even need to explain.” Came his hyung’s comforting words.

“But I think there are still some things you want to tell us, right; about a certain someone that you more than obviously like?”  Heechul interrupts the touching moment between Kangin and Leeteuk with a cheeky grin.

“OH! So when did you figure out that I liked Sungmin?”

“I knew it! Hah! Rabid Dog, you owe me ten thousand won!” an overly happy Heechul told Yesung.

“So Kangin does like Sungmin-ah that way. I thought you liked Teukie-hyung. In any case, I’m happy for you both. Here’s your money Heenim.” Came the reply from his AB brother.

“Yah! So you two were betting about that?” Kangin asks his hyungs.

“Oh, we bet on a lot of things. Right, Teuk?” Heechul asks his ten day hyung with an evil smirk.

“Oh, yeah. Just like… HAHAHAHAHAHA!” and Leeteuk just laughs with his trademark laugh while Yesung just blushes crimson.

Both Leeteuk and Heechul said I was obvious right from the start. Even the normally oblivious Yesung had a clue that I liked someone on the group. Was I that obvious? I thought I was being very discreet. Well, trying to kiss him on cam will raise some eyebrows, but I can pass that off as fanservice, right? I mean, others do it all the time and they don’t get found out. What makes me so different? They said it’s because I’m transparent. Yay, lucky me.

When I got discharged; I decided to tell my parents what’s up. Coming from the very traditional family that I know they are from, their reaction met my expectations. They went ballistic.

“WHAT?! MY SON?! A ?! NO! tell me you’re joking!” Kangin’s father screamed.

“Darling, I think this is just something you’re going through at the moment. You’ll get back to your senses eventually.” His mother, with distress evident in her eyes, calmly said.

“I think that’s not the case. This is what I’m feeling; and I don’t think this is just something I’m going through.” Kangin reasons to his parents.

“NO! This is just a phase son, you’ll get cured. You just need someone to make you realize that this is just a foolish phase of your life.” His mother, now starting to panic, tried to assure him.

“I’m sorry appa, umma; but I’m in love with a man.”

After those words have been said, Kangin was thrown back to the floor by a punch from his father.

“GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE! YOU ARE NOT COMING BACK HERE UNTIL YOU’VE BEEN CURED!” Kangin’s father shouted.

You should’ve known what was running through my mind at that time. I thought my life was over. That look of disgust in their eyes. Directed at me like what I have was a disease that needs to be cured. I couldn’t handle it. If everyone else looks at me like that, I think I’d rather kill myself. In the end I decided to keep my feelings hidden. But from then on I decided to avoid him. I didn’t know what will happen if we got left alone together. What if I slipped up and get found out? What if he looks at me like how my parents did? I thought I was going to go crazy. So, for my heart and sanity, I told myself that I must keep my distance.

Yeah, not the greatest decision ever made. Not only did it prove that I was a chicken, it also proved how much a sadist I am. It hurt not talking to him on purpose and it hurt more thinking that I had to do this for a long time. But what hurt the most was seeing the look on his face whenever I avoid him. I wanted to hug him and tell him that I loved him but I couldn’t. I was too scared of society to show my real feelings.

After a week, I went back to our house and begged my parents for forgiveness. An act they found most fitting. But to be sure that I’m serious, they went ahead and got me a girlfriend. I mean, who does that? I can find my own girlfriend you know.

 Her name is Song Sae Rin. She looks kind and frail. Like a princess that needs to be protected.  She’s not even my type. I like girls that are very cute, a little tall, can sing and can kick with Chinese martial arts. It turns out she was forced by her parents as well. It’s the 21^st century! Why would parents still force their children to do these things? Oh yeah, tradition. At least we had something in common.

We talked after we got introduced. It turns out we have much more in common than I thought. She has a girlfriend back home, and a model to boot. So we agreed to become each other’s cover. At least that problem was solved. Next is introducing her to everyone. That night I brought her back to the dorms and introduced her to everyone. Everyone gave their congratulations and sent us off. I was kind of disappointed when Sungmin went to congratulate us. He looked a little too happy for my taste; while Leeteuk was giving me the look that said “You have some explaining to do, mister”.

It was my first time performing live since I went to the army. So, it was almost three years of no dancing. We practiced y, Free and Single for ten hours, had a rehearsal while it was raining, and also had the performance itself while it was raining. I was nervous. What if I mess up? What if I’m not cut out for this anymore? Just some of the questions in my head. But yeah, after the performance, those thoughts disappeared. Whoever said I wasn’t cut out for this can just shut up and die somewhere. On stage is where I truly belong. I missed performing so much and yes, I’m still awesome at this. It felt surreal hearing the fans scream but what felt more surreal was being able to dance alongside him again. I’m definitely looking forward to doing this. The fanservice? Of course I’ll be looking forward to that too.

After the performance we went home and dropped dead. The following morning, Manager-hyung told us that there was going to be a party that day so our whole day was vacant. I spent half the day sleeping and the rest of the day in the dorm just watching the people I missed; namely him. I missed talking to him. I missed just being able to hug him whenever I want. But really, I just missed him; everything about him. It was stupid how I was stopping myself from showing my true feelings. I was thinking about that all throughout the day.

That party showed me that these people never changed. After drinking for hours, almost everyone was drunk, Except Eunhyuk, of course, because he doesn’t drink. But he was getting annoyed to submission by a drunken fish. Yesung on the other hand was sleeping on Kyuhyun’s lap while Siwon was glaring at a very happy maknae. Kibum was laughing with Shindong about god knows what reason and Wookie was dozing off at one side. While there I was being interrogated by Leeteuk-hyung and Heechul-hyung about Sae Rin.

“What’s the deal about that Sae Rin chick? I thought you liked Sungmin?” A tipsy Leeteuk asks Kangin.

“I told my parents about me and they went nuts. Appa kicked me out and when I begged, they took me back and got a girlfriend for me.” Kangin solemnly answers his hyung.

“What?! You got kicked out? Got a girlfriend for you? Wow, busy week huh. Let me guess, that was why you started avoiding him.” Leeteuk states rather than asks.

“Yeah. I didn’t know what else to do.” Kangin lowers his head in resignation.

“So that’s why you were acting weird for weeks. So, how was she? Is she being a pain?” Leeteuk sobering up a little worriedly asks his dongsaeng.

“Actually, no. It turns out she has a girlfriend back home and her parents were forcing her to do it as well.” Kangin answers with a small smile, thankful for that little detail that made his life easier.

“HAHAHA! You got lucky with that girl. If it were someone else; it might not have been easy. So, with that out of the way, are you going to tell him already how you feel?” the leader pats Kangin’s back for comfort.

“Huh? No, of course not yet. I’m not ready. I’m not even sure if he likes men.” Dejectedly answers the younger.

Leeteuk facepalms and sighs “Aish, people in love really do get stupid.”

“Yah! What do you mean? I’m not stupid!” Kangin tries to retort.

Leeteuk with a smug smile adds “Yeah, whatever makes you sleep at night. It’s stupid how you never noticed or maybe I’m just good at seeing this kind of stuff. How he looked at you even before you entered the army; or how happy he looked when you got back; or how hurt he looked when you ignore him; or how he’s looking at you right now.” Then points to the direction where Sungmin was seated.

When their eyes met, Kangin saw  eyes full of longing, and full of love. Kangin asks himself if that look was for him and did it mean he was loved back?

Like a mind reader, their leader answers his mental question. “Yes stupid, he loves you back.”

Kangin just smiles and goes to Sungmin.

At that moment, I decided that I’ll confess to him that night.

I took him out of the house and brought him to the playground near the dorms. It was past midnight so nobody was really out at that time and if there were, it’s dark out so nobody could recognize us. I chose to sit on the swings and because I was feeling childish at the time, I asked him to push me.

I forgot how fun it was to play on the swings; the feel of the wind in your face, that feeling of almost flying; the feeling of being free. I missed feeling that. But the longer I sit there, the more I realize that we weren’t really free. There will always be chains that bind us to the ground. Even if we did say that we were free, in reality, we’ll always be bound; ether by rules, by tradition, by norms, or by society. There’s really no escaping it. God I hate thinking too much.

I wanted him to feel it too so I let him have a go. He looked so happy playing on the swings and I just wanted to hold him.

 So I did.

It felt… unexplainable. I just wanted to stay like that forever. The feel of the warmth radiating from his back, the way his hair smelled, the way he held my hands while I hugged him. I’ll never forget that.

I’ll also never forget the way he tried to pry himself free from my embrace.

A/N: Hello, Hello, I'm back! :)

this isn't done yet. there's another chappie after this. mmkay.

thank you for reading my other stories! I love you guys. *glomps*

yeah, i'm gonna go nao.

-Akira ♥