I went on to say that I felt complete because I did my duty as an idol; singing and dancing for my fans. I said after I got home, thinking back on the day made me feel the excitement all over again. I even turned to the fans and gave them a small wink-I earned a plethora of screams.

“Hoya, will you show us a dance?” the mc today asked. Infinite and I were invited to a talk show recently. When we receive the offer, we said yes right away. So, here we were, sitting on the fluffy sofas in front of an audience of about 100.

“Of course he will!” Dongwoo exclaimed as he pushed me a bit, hinting that I should get up. I awkwardly got up before heading to the area separating the fans and us.

“Music, please?” I requested.

The music started and I let loose. The crowd cheered for me and infinite nodded in approval. I finished off with the splits which I always do in our song Be Mine. I flashed a smile before walking back to my seat between Dongwoo and Myungsoo. Dongwoo patted my back and Myungsoo said a quick good job.

The support of my members was always there. It was nice to know that people appreciated what I spent years mastering.

○●○●○

“Hoya, come quickly!” The makeup artist called. I stood up from the couch and hastily walked over to the seat reserved especially for makeup. Infinite was running late due to the interview earlier so we had to rush the makeup process. I closed my eyes as the makeup artist ran concealer over my dark bags, signs of lack of sleep.

It was 2:00 p.m. on a hot summer day. The sun shone proudly causing many to squint due to its strength. I had to cover my eyes slightly as I walked up on stage. After taking a quick glance at the crowd, I got into position and the music started.

As per usual, I danced passionately and enjoyed the warmth from the sun- although the hot weather did not help prevent the sweat from forming on my neck. But, it was good in a way, fans went crazy for that.

After the song ended, we stood in a line and addressed the audience. We exclaimed our joy for being there and asked for the support of our fans.

○●○●○

“I want to see Hobaby!” A fan screamed. I turned my attention to the girl who looked barely above 16 years old. She was sitting at the front of the audience with a board that had my name written on it. So she’s a fan of mine.

“Ah, Hoya,” Sunggyu said as he motioned me to the front.

I walked and stared at the fan, “What would you like me to do?”

“Aegyo!” Many fans screamed.

Of course…

I took a deep breath before taking my hand and a V-sign and winking. I even threw a couple of hearts-Woohyun taught me. I blushed before scurrying back to my spot at the end of the line. The fans screamed and chanted hobaby. Acting cute was always embarrassing, although I did like it when people called me cute.

○●○●○

The clock on my phone read 6:30. The day had gone by quickly and we were finally at our last schedule. This time, it was a fan signing event. The line was unimaginably long and the fans were very excited.

At one point, we were given a break but I didn’t want to get up. So, I remained in my seat, earning stares from many. I could see people take pictures of me from the corner of my eye, so I made an effort to look, well, decent.

I waved at a couple of fans but mostly just played with my pen. I enjoyed the sound of fans chattering. There was a sense of excitement amongst everyone. I couldn’t blame them, there once was a time when I stood in these lines. The feeling of meeting your idol was amazing. That person you admire from afar being so close, is just so breathtaking.

I heard a new round of screams and knew it was because the rest of the members were coming back to sit down. At this point, I was sitting in the middle with Sungyeol and Sungjong sitting on both sides of me. I fixed my posture and prepared my hand for another round of signatures.

“Where’s Sungyeol?” I asked Sungjong as he still never came.

“I don’t-oh wait, he’s coming,” Sungjong pointed out as a frantic Sungyeol ran back on stage.

I watched him skip steps and knew that his quick movements wouldn’t lead to anything good. He looked up and bowed at the fans without noticing a thick wire in front of him. I saw the whole fall.

Fans gasped and I stifled a laugh before getting up to help him.

“You okay, man?”

Sungyeol laughed at his misery and nodded it off. He looked at the fans and told them he was fine. I got back in my seat before shaking my head, “Be careful, Sungyeol.”

“Hehe.”

○●○●○

“Bye, Oppa!” fans screamed as we got into our van. I slipped into the back before giving one last wave. The doors closed but the screams could still be heard. I chuckled at the fans as Woohyun threw a couple of hearts at them through the window.

Oh, inspirits.

The car ride was quiet with music playing in the back and a couple of jokes here and there.

“I can’t believe I had to act cute today,” I muttered.

“Aw, but our little hobaby looked so good!” Sunggyu said as he squeezed my cheeks as if I were a baby. I moved my face from him and wacked his hands away.

“Don’t do that Hyung, please,” I gave him a disgusted look.

“Whatever you say, Hobaby.”

○●○●○

“I call shower first!” Sungjong said as he ran into the washroom, only to be chased by Myungsoo who claimed he put dibs on the shower. The two argued for a bit before deciding that Sungjong can go first.

I took a seat in the living room and the TV, knowing that I wouldn’t get the washroom any time soon. I flipped through channels before a drama I’ve been interested in came on. Myungsoo came and sat next to me with the towel on his shoulder. We both liked to watch dramas to improve our own acting, so I often found myself sitting next to him studying the way the character emphasized his sadness rather than understanding the actual reason for his melancholy.

○●○●○

It was 12:36 when Sunggyu came out of the shower. The rest of the members were sleeping and I was the only one left.

“You can go now, although, I think you should wait a bit if you want hotter water,” Sunggyu said. “Should I wait up for you?”

“Nah, go to sleep, Hyung. I’m fine, thanks anyway,” I got up and took my towel from my room.

I went into our kitchen to quickly get a glass of water. The cold water ran down my throat relieving it from its dryness. I put the water bottle back in the fridge but a pack of cupcakes caught my attention. It was from a fan. I took one out and tasted the sweet desert.

It was delicious.

○●○●○

So, there I stood, in the dimly lit kitchen, eating the cupcake while pondering over how long it possibly took this fan to make the cupcakes. Each one had different icing and each one tasted better than the former.

I finally finished the last cupcake and threw the box away to hide any sign of the cupcakes ever being in our fridge. Sungyeol would through a fit if he knew all the cupcakes were gone.

I looked around the dorm and stood in the silence.

Silence.

I rarely got to experience silence. Living with 6 men and encountering fans every day did not allow much time for silence. I checked my phone for any texts and saw that I got one from my mom. Attached to the text message was a picture of my entire family.

We had a great time today! Wish you were there!

In the picture, my brother was standing in the middle with a cake in his hands. I couldn’t attend his birthday party today due to our hectic schedule. That was the usual.

I sighed and replied expressing my grief over the loss chance at a family reunion. I missed my family. It was sad to see that they would get together without me. Of course I had get-togethers with Infinite, but that wasn’t the same. They were like brothers, yes, but at the end of the day, we each had our own separate families to go home to.

Going home to a family that had experienced so many joyful moments without me made me feel something I thought I never would.

Loneliness.

And for a moment you think that you’re in a sea of people that will never leave. You drown in the screams of the fans and float in their constant cheers. For a moment, you actually believe that they’re all on your side. Then, you get home and listen to the silence. All of a sudden, the sea is dried up and you’re left wet with nobody to dry you.

All of a sudden, you’re lonely.