one, two, three, four ...

 

forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine ...

 

two hundred and two, two hundred and three, two hundred and four ...

 

kibum loved counting the stars, those beautiful, little dots that illuminated the sky like a christmas tree at night. they made him feel cozy inside, as if his heart belonged to them. (they were like magnets, wanting to pull him closer and closer)

 

but at the same time they also made him feel empty inside, it felt like there was an idle hole in his heart that he couldn't seem to fill up. (he had tried everything, all in vain) every time he watched the sun set, every time the pitch black sheet covered the sun and blue ocean of white fluffy clouds, his heart began to pound harshly against his chest because the stars that replaced the sun beams looked down at him as if he was a part of them. as if they were family. (and maybe they were)

 

they were shouting, screaming, pleading him to spread out his wings and fly towards them and it made him feel uncomfortable, because no matter how badly he wanted to leave earth to join them in the beautiful night sky, he couldn't.

 

the very first day he had spent on earth was already a living hell to him. he had waken up in a field, completely and utterly and nowhere to go. he didn't know where he was, what had happened or what he was doing. he just stood up and desperately sought for help, desperately sought for answers. he had woken up during a warm spring day and the sun that hung above him mocked at him, and he didn't know why. it hurt, those sun rays. they were hurting his pale white skin, and no matter how many times he asked the sun to turn off her light, she didn't. (from then on, kibum never asked her anything again)

 

he had came to a halt at a cute, little farm that seemed to be desolated from the rest of the world. it was in the middle of a corn field, made of wood and straw. the environment looked safe and friendly enough to approach the farm and it didn't take long or he had found a woman hanging up white sheets on a clothesline. (kibum didn't know why she began screaming when she tapped her on the shoulder, later on she told him she reacted that way because he was )

 

it didn't take long or the people who lived there had taken him up in their family and treated them like a sibling or son. they had asked him where he came from, but he didn't had a clue. they asked him who he was, but neither did he know that. they asked him how old he was, but that he also didn't know. (he didn't know a thing)

the doctor who was at service in the small, little village nearby the farm diagnosed him with insomnia (and he had to ask him what 'insomnia' meant) and the family he had ended up in decided to name him kibum. 

 

kibum didn't feel welcome in the family though (he really didn't know why). they gave him food, they gave him clothes, they gave him love, they gave him everything he needed but somewhere deep inside, he knew he didn't belong there. (he belonged to the sky, he kept convincing himself. he had to, because otherwise the stars wouldn't ask him to join them)

 

one night he decided to sleep outside. it was summer and he had avoided going outside the entire day (because the sun kept mocking him) so right after the pitch black sheet had wrapped up the clear blue sky, he went outside and lay down on the grass. he used a hay bale that he had found in the empty stables as his pillow and looked up into the sky. that was the first time he felt as if he was a part of the night, as if he was a part of that beautiful sky illuminated by little, twinkling dots. that was the first time he truly felt home again. (and how he wanted to just fly away from that place and join them in their peaceful heaven)

 

sometimes, when there weren't many stars at night, he'd cry. he'd cry because it made him feel lonely, it made him feel as if he didn't have a place to go in this world. (and maybe he really didn't have one, maybe he really had no home).

he would run back into the house and cry in his room, sob and scream. the people that called them his family would ask him what was wrong, but nothing ever came out of his mouth. 

 

every time he would go to the little village to do groceries, he would hear all kind of stuff that made him curious. 

things like 'did you know jinah and daehyun are getting married ? what a lovely couple, aren't they' or 'me and my husband have been together for twenty-five years now'

he would pass by people holding the paper in their hands and glance at a particular alinea about love.

it would be a big, fat lie if he didn't was the slightest bit jealous of all those lovely couples, of all those happily married people. 

 

then after doing the groceries, he would go back home and lock himself up in his room. there he would question himself if he had ever loved before, before he found himself in the cornfield in front of the house he was now living in. 

something tugged at his heart when he thought about it. he would go to his window and look up at the sky, at the clear blue ocean filled with those soft looking clouds and ask himself aloud "have you ever been in love?"

 

he had shaken his head with a stupid smile on his face, turned around and threw himself on his bed. as if the sky that was possessed by that mocking sun would ever give him an answer to his unanswered questions. 

 

the second time he had asked himself if he had ever loved before waking up on this earth was when he was feeding the chickens that ran freely in front of the farm. the sun had already set and the first few stars were already beginning to appear in the dark sky. the chickens were cackling as they attacked the grain he had spread over the sand. he was holding the almost empty bucket that was filled with the grain for the birds in his right hand, his other hand on his hip as he looked up at the sky.

 

he then noticed something.

 

he noticed a particular, little star.

 

it was shining less bright than all the others, it looked secluded and lonely. kibum couldn't help but bite his lip, looking up at the poor lit star. why was it so far away from all the others ?

the more he stared at it, the more he wanted to touch it. he wanted to run away from the farm and towards that particular, lonely star. he wanted to hold it in his arms and keep it with him forever. somewhere deep inside, he felt the idle hole fill up a little. (with love)

 

from that day, he went outside every night to stare at the star. he didn't want it to feel lonely, so he thought that if maybe he looked at it every night, it wouldn't feel so alone. he was going to accompany him, because he felt as if it was a part of him.

 

his family knew that he had some weird thing for making a walk in the middle of the night, they were aware of the fact that he sneaked out of his room and to the cornfield to sleep there instead. they knew, but they didn't say anything about it. sometimes they could even hear him talk to the sky, saying things like "how are you ?" and "when are we going to meet ?". they never asked him whom he was talking with because they knew kibum was confused, they knew the boy didn't know where he belonged to. it didn't matter how hard they tried to make him feel like a part of the family, because they would always fail. they could make him happy, but they could never stop him from going outside in the dead of the night to talk to whoever was there. (he was talking to his star)

 

kibum was happy, he was happy because he had found something that made him feel loved. he didn't want to tell anyone. he didn't want to share his star with anybody else, it was his and only his. nobody was allowed to see its beauty, only kibum himself.

 

it went on like that for a couple of months, until something happened. something that kibum would've never thought would ever happen in his life. (but then again, he woke up in the middle of a cornfield on a warm spring day, nothing surprised him anymore.)

 

it was winter and he couldn't seem to fall asleep. something was screaming inside of him but he couldn't hear what it was screaming. his head was pounding and it felt as if his skull was going to break. something was calling him. or no. someone, was calling him.

it didn't take long or he pushed the covers off his trembling body and decided to act on his instincts; go outside.

 

he put on his warmest sweater, covered his feet with not two but three pair of socks and jumped into his blue, rubber boots he always used when he was working in the dirty stables. he successfully sneaked out of the house without waking up any of the residents, sighing in pure bliss when the cold air filled up his nostrils. He smiled a little as he felt the pounding of his head slightly reducing, the night doing wonders to his body. (like a magical remedy) the chickens were sleeping whilst standing on the stick in front of their nests. they looked peaceful enough to be able to take a step away from the front door without making too much redundant noise.

 

one time he had been too loud and had woken up all of the animals on the farm, starting with the chickens. he had caused a total racket, with chickens cackling loudly, the dog its barks echoing through the entire area, making the horses bewildred and scared so on top of all the tumult he had already caused, they began to neigh as well. (he could've waken up an entire neighborhood, he should have counted himself lucky that they didn't live in the civilization)

 

he quietly tip toed away from the chickens and stood still a few meters away from the corn field, he looked up at the beautiful night sky that was decorated with a full moon that gave a somewhat scary glow to the farm and millions and millions of pretty little stars. (all of them screaming, shouting and pleading for him to join them)

 

he looked a little to his left, right above the huge oak tree that towered above the cornfield and tried to seek his star. (the one he loved so much, the one that made him feel tingly inside, the one that made him feel as if they were one)

 

he frowned when he didn't see him anywhere. the barely lit star that always grabbed his attention first wasn't there anymore. (his insides turned at the mere thought of the star leaving him)

kibum began frantically turning around, holding his head up in all different angles but the star was nowhere to be found. all the love that had filled up the idle hole in his heart began growing, the love began seeping out and was replaced with fear. (he couldn't help it)

his heart began beating eratically, his breathing became irregular, his head began pounding.

it didn't take long or he found himself running through the cornfield, tears prickling against the back of his brown eyes. his star was gone, his star was gone, his star was gone.

he tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over, but he should've known that it was in vain. tiny, shiny crystal drops dropped on his cheeks and rolled down his pale white skin whilst he ran through the field, coming to a halt in the center where he looked up again, but still no sign of his beautiful, lonely star. (where are you ?)

 

he couldn't care less if he was crushing the stems of the corn, running through the field and leaving a trail of flattened leafy stalks behind in order to try and find back the star that made him feel at home. 

he ran and ran and ran and ran ... protecting his face from the dust that the corn gave off when he pushed them aside. he was quietly sobbing as he began to run even faster, vision blurred by his tears and by the high plants that he didn't even know where he was anymore. (he was lost. not only in the field, but also in his head)

 

he desperately looked up at the full moon and prayed and pleaded for it to hear his entreaties. 

where did his star go ?

he dried his dampened cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater, his footsteps slowing down when all his hope shattered. the cold winter air was cutting in his skin like a knife, going right through his bleeding heart. (which was on the verge of collapsing) it felt as if his tears were turning into little snowflakes, burning his rosy cheeks with their coldness. he aimlessly walked around the field, pushing aside the corn stalks and crushing them beneath his rubber boots. (crushing them like his star crushed his soul)

 

he didn't even have a clue of where he was, he didn't know the direction of the farm (the home he didn't even belong to)

he could follow the trail of crushed maize stalks but he didn't want to, they would only lead him to a place that acted as if he was welcome there, while in fact he wasn't welcome at all. they may say he was, they may treat him like a part of the family, but deep inside everybody knew that kibum was only a stranger, a stranger without a home. (his still bleeding heart cringed at the thought)

 

the only thing that he could spot was the big oak tree, dragging his exhausted body over to it and looking up to the crown which was gently swaying back and forth on the rhythm of the blowing wind.

 

he could see the stars between the leaves of the tree and without any hesitation hoisted himself up on a branch, putting much effort in keeping his worn out body balanced on it. he climbed higher, higher up the tree (so that he could be closer to the stars) he wanted to feel their warmth, their presence, their company. he wanted to join them, to be admired by other people who were living on earth. he wanted to be a part of the pitch black blanket that enveloped the blue sky when evening falls. (he wanted to be somewhere where he knew he wouldn't get hurt. he wanted to feel safe.)

 

it didn't take long or he reached the top of the tree, smiling a sad smile as he tried to distinguish the stars and moon through his teary eyes that blurred out his vision.

 

"i love you so much" he whispered

 

he didn't know to who those words were directed at, but he had the strong feeling to just say them. to let them slip past his lips. it felt the right thing to do, because even though his heart was bleeding, even though the idle hole inside his body was growing, he felt as if there had been something, someone, he had really loved before he lost his memory and woke up in the corn field.

 

one, two, three, four ...

 

sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine ...

 

three hundred and two, three hundred and three ...

 

he stayed up the tree for a couple of hours doing the thing he loved the most until he lost count, letting out a deep sigh which was silenced by the wind as he turned around to try and see where the farm was. he could see the trail of flattened corn stalks and sighed again, already expecting a lecture of his family the next day. (it wasn't his fault though, they should blame it on his star)

 

he silently climbed out of the tree, blowing warm puffs of air on his ice cold hands when he successfully landed onto the ground.

 

"key"

 

his eyes widened in surprise at the sudden intruding voice. it sounded soft and gentle, almost like a warm evening breeze during summer that would caress his cheeks. his heart and head began pounding again. (how was he ever going to survive so many palpitations in one day ?)

 

"key"

 

the voice was soothing and sweet, like honey melting on his tongue. it flowed into his ears and his body reacted as if it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. (and maybe it was)

it just sounded so familiar, as if he had heard it before and no matter how hard he tried to remember, no matter how  hard his brain was trying to overcome his insomnia, he had no clue. (like always)

and why was he calling out key ? what was key ?

 

the full moon gave him enough light to see the things that surrounded him, everything looked the same. then where was that beautiful voice coming from ?

 

he heard the stars screaming at him, this time they weren't asking him to join them, this time it was so loud he couldn't even tell what they were trying to say. he felt confused. frustrated. what was happening ?

 

the bleeding of his heart stopped all of a sudden, the hole in his body filled up with something he couldn't quite decipher. (love ? hope ? happiness ?)

he could feel someone's presence.

and it made him feel warm inside.

 

a unintentional smile crept up his face, causing for the most adorable dimples to appear on his rosy cheeks.

 

"hello ?"

 

he didn't even know why he was answering the familiar voice. it could be a complete stranger, a burglar, a criminal. (could such a beautiful voice really belong to a bad person though ?)

his heart had stopped bleeding, but not beating. it was rattling against his rib cage, trying to break through. it began pounding in his ears and his blood was pulsing through his veins. his body was going warm despite the ice cold winter air and he could feel his stomach tingling for no reason at all.

 

suddenly everything stopped inside his body. he couldn't feel his heart beating, he couldn't feel his blood pulsing, he couldn't hear his own breathing. because without any warning, someone slowly slid his arms around his thin, shivering frame. (and it felt so damn familiar)

 

"key ..." he heard the same voice, this time not somewhere in the distance, but right next to his ear. warm breath hit the shell of his ear, causing for an amazing sensation to ripple down his entire body.

he could hear in the way he pronounced 'key' that he was smiling, a beautiful and sincere smile.

 

his body heated up, his hands trembling and slowly making their way to the back of the other's shirt, clutching it in his fists. he didn't know who this person was, but somehow, in a really odd way, he felt safe. he felt loved. he felt as if he was home.

 

he rested his head against the other's broad chest, inhaling deeply and snuggling his nose into his shoulder.

 

"i missed you so much" 

 

he heard the voice whisper gently, soft lips making their way to his neck and placing them on the heated skin there.

 

kibum shivered.

 

his tongue was itching to say something back, something that was waiting to be pronounced, to flow past his lips. the lips were moving against his neck, leaving little feather-like kisses on the sensitive skin and making their way up to his jawline.

he wanted to ask the stranger who he was. (well, if you could call him a stranger of course. because it really felt as if he had known him since forever)

 

"w-who are you" kibum asked softly, closing his eyes when the soft pair of lips reached his temple. the strong arms around his waist tightened, making sure the smaller boy couldn't leave his grip.

he didn't get an answer immediately but he didn't care, because he could feel someone bandaging up the cracks in his heart, he could feel the hole inside his body filling up with both happiness and love, he felt warm and welcome and just - at home.

he belonged in those arms. he was one hundred percent sure of that. he would figure out later how the hell that was even possible.

 

"i'm your star"

 

kibum's breath hitched, the words echoing through his head. his star ? 

the lips continued marking his face, leaving kisses up and down his cheek, his nose and chin. 

he gently pushed the person away, eyes getting teary. did he find his star back ?

he looked up at the other's countenance, coming face to face with the most handsome and familiar features he had ever seen. 

 

even more beautiful than the night.

as beautiful as his barely lit star.

 

there was a smile gracing the stranger's handsome face, and kibum could feel all kinds of emotions course through his shivering body which was enveloped by two strong arms. 

a normal person would've pushed him away, would've slapped him across the face for being so creepy or would've even called the police. but there was something about this person (the person who calls himself his star) and it made him feel special. (and maybe he was)

 

"i've looked for you since forever" his star said softly, eyes twinkling as bright as the stars that were shining in the night. brighter than when he was so lonely up the sky.

 

he didn't really believe that this person really was the star that he loved so much. but still, he pretty much resembled to the star; they were both beautiful, they both made him feel loved, they both gave him this special feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't seem to get enough of.

 

kibum didn't even think twice when he smiled back at him, standing on his tippy toes and connecting their lips together. it just felt the right thing to do.

their mouths moved together in sync, causing fireworks to set off in his body and create the most beautiful colorful explosions. his mind was going in overdrive, hands clutching at the other's shirt tightly, not giving him permission to pull away. both their lips instantly warmed up as they touched, tingling as they simultaneously withdrew their faces just an inch to take a deep breath and press them back together.

 

"i'm going to take you back with me" his star whispered against his slightly parted lips, leaving little kisses on his bottom and upper lip. kibum didn't know what he was talking about, he secretly hoped he was going to take him with him to a place far away from the farm. not because he didn't love his family, but because he knew it wasn't his home. he didn't want to live a lie.

 

"okay" kibum answered breathlessly, smiling a little when he felt the other's teeth dig into his bottom lip. he wouldn't even care if he was going to take him with him right this moment, his family could live without him. the only thing he was going to expect the next day was an endless lecture about the ruined corn field, so he didn't really had much to lose.

 

he felt one arm leave his waist and he squirmed a little at the loss, his fingers tingling as they ran through the other's soft locks, tugging at them to angle his head and kiss him fully on the lips again.

he had definitely met this fascinating person before. 

never in his entire life had he just randomly kissed a stranger who assumed he was a star, so this person really had to be special. if only he could remember ... 

 

the star dug his hand in his pocket with closed eyes, lips still attached to each other, not even thinking about letting go of one another. it felt as if they had been apart for too long. (way too long)

kibum let out a little whine at the back of his throat when the taller boy pushed him away a little, holding his fist in between their bodies. he was holding something in it. something beautiful. he slowly opened his hand, eyes fixated on kibum who intently watched as a little glowing stone appeared in his vision. (it reminded him of a tiny, little sun. one that didn't mock him but fascinated him in a very unique way. it made him want to touch it)

 

it was glowing and illuminated their faces and the big oak tree behind them, the sudden change of light was intense and kibum had to cover his eyes from becoming blind. the star just watched him attentively, as if he was waiting for something. (and he was)

kibum slowly lowered his hands, letting them dangle next to his body. he looked at the little stone and then back at the handsome face of the stranger he was kissing just a couple of seconds ago. 

 

"i'm going to make you remember" the star said softly, giving kibum a tiny, hopeful smile. it was so small, almost unnoticeable. but it was definitely there.

kibum had the urge to lift up an eyebrow but him but restrained himself from doing so, lowering his gaze back to the intriguing little stone in the other's hand.

 

suddenly everything became white. 

the darkness of the night that had surrounded him vanished and he gasped loudly, hands flying up to his chest to hold his heart and eyes growing bigger in size.

the stranger was nowhere to be found in the empty place he had ended up and he began to panic, he turned around several times but was only surrounded by a white emptiness.

there was a sudden flash and he held his breath, praying to every single god that he wasn't dead. (he still had to find back his star)

something was him up, he was getting dizzy and the world was unpleasantly spinning before him.

he tightly shut his eyes, hearing vague voices echoing through the white emptiness. he couldn't decipher who's voices it were or what they were saying, pressing his hands to his ears, to stop the world from spinning around to stop the voices from penetrating his mind.

 

when he re-opened his eyes, he was surprised by millions of shining dots. it were stars. millions and millions of stars. he couldn't breathe anymore and his lungs were burning, they were screaming for oxygen. he wasn't beneath the stars, he was between them. 

he was fascinated and scared at the same time, an endless, black hole him up and twirling him around like a tornado. his throat was on fire and he wanted to scream and shout, he wanted to call for help but it would be useless, because he was alone. he was all alone. nobody would hear his cries and nobody would every bother to save him. (because even his star left him)

 

his insides were ripped apart, he could feel it but oddly enough it didn't hurt. he was thrown from side to side, back and forth, and he opened his mouth to shout, but nothing came out. 

from the moment he closed his eyes again to try to wake up from the nightmare he had landed in, everything stopped. he took a deep breath and surprisingly enough he could refill his lungs with fresh oxygen. he slowly, very slowly, opened his eyes again. he was still surrounded by black and secretly hoped he was back to reality, back to the stranger. (but he really wasn't)

because his eyes could only spot two, bright stars in the middle of the endless darkness. they were shining as one, they seemed happy. (he could feel it)

 

the stars began soaring closer to him and he tried to run away, because no matter how beautiful they were, he was scared to death. but it was as if he was glued to the ground. he couldn't move, nothing would move only his chest that was rapidly heaving up and down as he inhaled and exhaled.

 

the stars came to a stop right in front of his eyes and his hands shot up to cover his eyes from the burning light. slowly his eyes began to adjust to the intense shining of the pretty stars and he peeked through the spaces of his fingers to take a look at them.

 

he looked a bit past the shiny stars and spotted himself. he was smiling, one of the brightest smiles he had ever seen on his own face. it was weird, when was the last time he had smiled so sincerely ? 

suddenly someone else appeared next to him; the stranger, his star.

 

he also seemed happy, way too happy. their hands were pressed together, fingers intertwined. they were talking to each other and laughing, they seemed in love.

 

all he could hear was the word 'key' flowing in and out of his ears, a view of the world beneath him where people were running around like ants. he could feel the warmth, the love, the feeling of being home.

 

... jonghyun ?

 

"i love you so much" 

 

kibum snapped back to reality when he heard the beautiful voice next to his ear. he looked up and was met with the other's handsome face.

it didn't take long for him to notice that he was lying on the cold ground (he couldn't even feel the cold anymore though, the star kept him warm) his body felt limp and numb, he could barely move it and was grateful for the handsome boy to be holding him in his arms.

 

there were butterflies fluttering around through his exhausted body. finally remembering. his star was jonghyun. jonghyun was his love. the barely lit star he loved so much. 

they were both stars, they were both so in love. he was key. jonghyun's key.

 

he remembered everything. from soaring through the night sky with jonghyun by his side to crashing down in a desolated cornfield.  

 

"how much ?" 

 

"count the stars" jonghyun whispered. smiling when he noticed that his lover finally remembered him.

 

"there are too many, i always lose count" kibum said softly, hand going up to caress the other's cheek gently.

 

"exactly"

 

 

 

 

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i'm back :)