Im Yoona has died. She died as a person, leaving her name etched in her family’s heart. That would be reminisced, that would be cherished, that would be engraved in her tombstone. And so, a younger brother of Yoona, Sehun,  strided into her room . His mother had told him to leave it be. Leave the room be as it is, as it is when Yoona occupied the space.  Sehun however, was more sentimental than his rigid appearance appears to be. And so, he was meant to take a single photograph of her,herself . He raised the frame, to found a notebook behind it. Sehun never knew Yoona writes a journal , for she mostly spend her time reading poems. It was strange as well to know she reads but doesn’t write.

A piece of folded paper was sticking out from the book. He lifted the book and sat down to her baby-blue coverlet, placing the frame to the side. He flipped the book open, and unfold the paper open to see that it was two piece of paper, with her sister’s handwriting imprinted in it.

                                          Memoirs of Im Yoona

                I know. I am dying. It is the side effect of tumor perhaps. Or perhaps, the side effect of myself, who is stubborn enough to believe that I am   worth a soul. That I worth myself for a survival. My friends always offer me a glint of hope, but I refuse to accept. I will die. Die. Die.Repeating this word over and over made me not fear of the word itself. I have Luhan. But Luhan, Luhan will be Luhan. I will not know him when I fall  into that deep slumber who will drive me into another world, and not driving me back. But, I don’t want to die. It is typical for a human being like me to be fickle. It’s just that, I’m not being fickle. I decided that I will give myself two choices. Two choices that I and only me could have,  A) going through the day while waiting for the death to trace its fingers upon me and b) accept my fate to consume the drugs that the doctor  have suggested to me. I don’t like to flaw my dysfunctional-self. Consuming those drugs will only expand the years of my survival, with the ninety percent of me dead on the track. And will force me to be reliant on those pills. Those medications, those things that are branded as the remedies to our sickness. Yes, our sickness. Us, the people who suffer hard illnesses. Hard sicknesses who don’t have any antidotes yet.

              I feel in debt. To be truth, I am classified as one of the thousands or even millions useless human being. Every person do have a role in their life, and it really for me to be a sicker. Sometimes, I think Luhan was,is there for me because of pity-I loathe pity to the depths of my heart- and I think he couldn’t make himself cut the strings of connection with a sicker like me. I have my friends. Sooyoung, Yuri. I wonder if they have lifes because they are always by my side. As in always, everytime. But, I love them for that. They are there at the times where I am feeble and numb. I’m actually tired of writing this, and I’m writing my exhaution in this as well. Funny. But I am tired. Right now. I don’t know, I think because this is the first time since I’m writing this hell long of a sentence. Or perhaps I’m just tired. I want to sleep. But as a human with growing tumor in her insides as waiting her story come to its closure, in this very day, I stay conscious. I still want to write more. And I’m writing.

            My mother and father will always be there. But I don’t know where are them. I just wish I’m not alone in this house when I passed out into

            heaven nor hell. Since I’m going to die, I need to unveil the deceits that I have committed and write down the truths in this very white paper.

1)      I am Im Yoona. It is one of the actual truth of my life, and I have been lying to myself all this years that I am a sicker. And I actually have a name. Im Yoona.

2)     Mother and Father should raise another little girl. I have always completely objected my parents decision of having a child. I regret that. I was childish and reckless, and with Sehun behind me, it was enough competition to win over my parents’ heart. I actually need a little sister. So she could be the cure of their lost child, Im Yoona.

3)     I love Sehun. He is a brother, a mental brother who is hyperactive at child and grown into a frank and rigid man. And he always get my parents’ attention, for being a boy, and a boy is a platinum in our family. A daughter is sitting at a second place because women is always number two in this world. I am a gold.

4)     I do believe in God. I rarely goes to church, but I keep a Bible under my pillow and I will read it whenever I go to sleep. No one knows. People think of me as an atheist, but people never really ask. But I’d like to consider that as a lie.

5)     I live for nobody. As much as my beloved ones are potential reasons for my years of survival, they are not the reason why I still breathe and alive, writing this memoirs. I live for nobody. You could say I live for God, because he is the one who give me a breathe of live. But besides Him, I live for nobody. I just live for the breath of spring , the crushing sound of the waves to the rocks, the hiss of the wind brushing the vivid green surface of the leafs, tracing its fingertips on each of its bone structure. I live for Him, and the beauty of the nature. And that beauty, that beauty is nowhere to be found in a world like this.

6)     I don’t know if I really love Luhan. Truthfully, I cannot decide if he loves me for pity or not. And that makes me doubt. Still, those I love yous are still be said. A liar I turn out to be.

7)      I love Yuri and Sooyoung. They are my friends, that I often got into a fight with. Still, those fights made our bonds grow stronger.

8)     I want to get over this writing fast. I don’t like writing realities, really.

9)     I write poems. The real heartbeats that I could  interpret and express without speaking. Because I write it down. Speaking waste my voice. My fading voice.

10)  I have never really get to say goodbye usually. Mostly everytime. Because I despise goodbyes, and God knows it.

PS: If anyone will ever read this, please just see this as a sick mental person last letter ; a piece of bull. I should change the title, but my fingers and pen are dying.

Sehun smiles. It is easy to predict Yoona, after all she was, is his older sister. The sarcastic yet sweet and admirable older sister that couldn't be anymore sarcastic with her dry humour, that ridiculously always made him laugh, though she will then make a face. Assuming that he was just mocking her. That's it. That's Yoona's story. He folded the papers and slid it inside the pocket of his jacket. And another paper fell from the book.

A shred of paper torn from a seemingly a story book.

Sehun, this might be a coincidence. But I think you will find this letter. You will invade my privacy when I died. And so, this is just a piece of something that maybe will give you peace. I never hate you. Mom never hates you. And Father either. We are a family, and family aren't suppose to hate on each other. Goodbye.

Author's Note

I'm sorry,this is so short. But I just feel like writing. I will probably post another story tomorrow. Before school starts. Thank you for the responses you have given readers :D