Tunnel Vision


There is a quiet, but surging excitement in the hallowed hall. The walls are glistening white; the pews shining in an exuberant brown. White veils hang on the sides of the pews, small white and blue flowers adorning them. The carpet has been rolled out on the aisle, dark and pristine red. The church bells are ringing, echoing in the hearts of those present.

As the wedding march starts playing above the din of the crowd, Jongin cuffs the back of his shoes on the spotted beige marble floor. It’s a habit of his, a nervous one if anyone were keen enough to observe. He then shifts his feet, one small step to the left, one small step to the right, looking like he was doing some awkward dance in front of the altar. He looks up from where he’s staring at the tips of his shiny black shoes as the double doors open, and he keeps holding the breath that he realizes he hasn’t really let go of the moment he arrived at the church.

Junmyeon enters and murmurs immediately erupt from the crowd. The playing of the wedding march is halted. Jongin schools his expression even as Junmyeon reaches him to explain something he’s already felt that morning when he woke up, his phone empty of messages. He thinks he’s already known it even a month prior to this auspicious event. He averts his gaze from Junmyeon, merely nodding as upsetting word after upsetting word comes out of his mouth. It really isn’t something new, but that doesn’t mean it makes his eyes sting with tears any less. But before a tear could slide down his cheek, an arm is already around him, ushering him towards one of the side rooms that the church has.

Baekhyun sits him down on the sofa, making sure he’s comfortable before he goes to get him a glass of water. Jongin keeps his eyes closed even as Baekhyun makes him drink because maybe if he closes his eyes long enough, when he opens them again everything will have turned out to be a dream and everything will be okay.

“Jongin, look at me,” Baekhyun quietly says, slightly pleading. Jongin opens his eyes, but avoids meeting his imploring ones. He hesitantly reaches out and places his fingers on Jongin’s jaw, slowly orienting his head to make him look at him. “It’s okay,” he whispers when Jongin finally gives in and meets his gaze.

It’s only then that Jongin allows himself to burst into tears.



-



The apartment is half empty. Jongin stops in his tracks as soon as he enters, making Baekhyun almost walk right into his back. He eyes the boxes in the middle of the living room. But, even as he approaches it and before he goes through them, he already knows that everything in the apartment are things that solely belong to him. Still, it doesn’t stop him from going through every drawer, every cabinet, every closet and nook and cranny. When he’s done checking even the trash bins, he flops down on the floor in the middle of the living room, just beside the mousy brown sofa.

“He really left,” Jongin says through his tears, head bowed, hands flat on the floor. “He left me.”

Baekhyun stands by the door, helpless. In all the years he’s been Jongin’s best friend, he’s only seen Jongin cry twice.

The second time he’s seen Jongin cry was when Baekhyun accidently stepped on his favorite red toy car when they were ten years old. Baekhyun remembers running around the house, away from Jongin, who was trying to scare him with a dead cockroach. It felt like time stopped when they heard a loud crunching sound the moment his foot connected with the toy car. His eyes widened and, immediately, he looked at Jongin, who had thrown himself on the floor, the pieces of the car in his hands. He remembers very clearly how Jongin had cried, as if mourning the loss of a most favored friend. Now that Baekhyun thinks about it, that toy car might have been just that to Jongin. It was the last gift Jongin’s father had given him before he had left them for another family the year before, which was the first time that he’d seen Jongin cry.

Baekhyun cradles Jongin’s head in his arms as he continues to cry, harder than he’s ever had. Jongin is clinging onto him like his life depended on it, arms tight around his waist, his tears soaking through the material of his shirt.

“I don’t understand,” Jongin manages to speak through his tears. “I did everything right. I did everything for him.” His memories with Kyungsoo flash in his head like scenes in a movie. He keeps on searching his head for some clue or any hint that would have led to Kyungsoo leaving him on the day of their wedding. Sure, they weren’t always happy, but they loved each other. He just can’t understand what happened. “I did my best—“

“Shh,” Baekhyun gently interrupts, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. “Recounting things won’t do you any good.” He tries very hard not to cry, not to have his own heart break by the fact that Jongin is laying himself bear like this with him, pouring his brokenness out, trying to dissect what was wrong with him. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” he promises. “This isn’t your fault.”

All their lives together, Baekhyun’s always been blaming Jongin for things. When Baekhyun first scraped his knee, he cried and screamed at Jongin because he had pushed him in his excitement to get to the swings first. When Baekhyun’s ice cream had fallen, he grabbed Jongin’s own ice cream and threw it to the ground because when Jongin tried to have a taste of Baekhyun’s ice cream, it tipped the whole thing and made it fall. When Baekhyun’s boyfriend had dumped him, he almost wanted to smack Jongin in the face because his boyfriend said that Jongin being around Baekhyun all the time just didn’t sit right with him.

There are many other things, like how his own apartment is perpetually messy because Jongin’s things are always scattered everywhere, or how his social life is practically non-existent because Jongin still insists that Baekhyun remind him of his meetings and appointments like he’s his personal secretary. Or like how Baekhyun really can’t get mad at Jongin for all of these things simply because he is who he is.

But this is one thing he cannot blame on him.

Baekhyun has seen how hard Jongin worked to make his relationship with Kyungsoo sail smoothly. Being an architect meant that Jongin mostly traveled around the city to do site checks and building checks, but he always made sure that he had time for Kyungsoo. He tried to come home as early as he can so he can have dinner with Kyungsoo. Or if he had to come home late, he’d always bring breakfast for him. Kyungsoo suddenly breaking up with Jongin, and on their wedding day, too, really baffles Baekhyun. How can anyone not want Jongin?

“But I—“ Jongin tries to speak to try to rationalize things, but Baekhyun shushes him. He hums a song in Jongin’s ear to continue calming him down.

Baekhyun rationalizes in his stead. Kyungsoo and Jongin did everything together, from going to university together, to buying groceries because Jongin would just end up buying potato chips if left to his own devices, to watching cartoon on lazy Sunday afternoons. After Baekhyun had introduced them to each other, Kyungsoo had become a constant third to their gatherings. And then Jongin confessed and the rest was history. Their marriage had been planned ever since they were in university. Baekhyun tries racking his brains for any sign that Kyungsoo was unhappy, but he really can’t find anything.

He clutches Jongin tighter when Jongin shifts in their embrace as his song dies out. Jongin has stopped crying, now just absently tracing patterns on Baekhyun’s arm, leaving goose bumps in their wake.

“Baek,” Jongin’s voice croaks and Baekhyun presses another kiss to his head. “Can we just stay like this for a while?”

“For as long as you like.” Baekhyun swallows back the sobs gathering up in his throat.



-



“How is he doing?” Chanyeol asks for mere formality, Baekhyun knows, because how else would someone who’s been dumped on his wedding day feel?

“Doesn’t want to get out of the apartment,” Baekhyun shares. That morning, he insisted that Jongin come with him to the site where he’s currently designing a building for one of the prominent business owners in the city. But Jongin merely grumbled into the pillow and ignored whatever else that came out of his mouth.

“I thought they still didn’t have a bed in the apartment,” Jongdae comments around the kimbap he’s chewing on.

Baekhyun hesitates. The days that followed the wedding weren’t pretty. Jongin seemed to have made a decision based on his current situation to plant himself in Baekhyun’s apartment and bury himself in the sheets. He hasn’t really left the apartment since then, merely getting up to eat a little bit before burrowing himself back again with his misery.

Chanyeol watches Baekhyun with a careful eye. “Is he sleeping at your place?”

“I can’t exactly let him sleep at the apartment he was supposed to share with Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun reasons, looking to Jongdae and Junmyeon for some moral support. Jongdae merely shrugs, while Junmyeon looks away. “Staying there would just make him even more depressed,” he continues.

Chanyeol purses his lips as if wanting to say something more but decides against it. He turns to Jongdae instead and they start discussing some project Jongdae has for his job. Baekhyun breathes a sigh of relief because he knows exactly what Chanyeol was thinking, knows exactly what he wanted to say. But those are things he doesn’t want to hear at the moment. He’s been reminded of it everyday ever since… He slightly shakes his head and takes a piece of galbi in his mouth.

“You okay?” Junmyeon asks quietly, nudging him. Baekhyun looks at him and there’s an uncertain smile on Junmyeon’s face.

Baekhyun smiles back and nods. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he sighs. “I’m just worried about him. I mean, it’s impossible for me to know how it’s like to be dumped on your wedding day so I don’t really know how best to comfort him.”

He plays with the food on his plate. Jongin’s been noncommittal about everything. Whenever Baekhyun asks him what he wants to eat or what he wants to watch on TV or whether he’d like to go get groceries with him, all Jongin would do is shrug and go back into the bedroom. At night, when Jongin thinks that Baekhyun is asleep, their backs turned to each other on the bed, Jongin cries. In the morning, Baekhyun sees Jongin’s red, puffy eyes and the tear streaks on his face, but he never says anything.

“You’ll know what to do,” Junmyeon says. “You’re the best friend.”

The statement hits Baekhyun harder than Junmyeon intends it and it shows on Junmyeon’s face. His eyes widen when Baekhyun flinches as if Junmyeon physically pushed him back. Chanyeol and Jongdae look up from their conversation. But Baekhyun merely smiles and shakes his head, brushing it off like it’s nothing.



-



Baekhyun and Jongin had met way back when they were still in diapers and didn’t really know the concept of friendship. They’d traded milk bottles, toys and candies, and, somehow, managed to stick together throughout the years. Or, as Baekhyun always likes to say, Jongin stuck with him throughout the years because he just likes Baekhyun so much. A smile always makes its way to Baekhyun’s face when he thinks about this. Because it’s something that Jongin has never denied either.

As they grew older, their friendship consisted mostly of Jongin nagging Baekhyun to treat him to food or movies or to buy him this cool comic book, while Jongin made sure that no one touched Baekhyun in school or even so much as gave him an evil eye. Because, while Baekhyun was older, he was also much smaller than Jongin. Baekhyun is also kind of pretty and so people tend to or want to manhandle him.

Baekhyun’s pretty much used to Jongin asking something and him giving it. It’s something that he does without thinking because he knows that if he asks something of Jongin, he’d gladly do the same for him. But he never really asks for anything because there really isn’t anything more from Jongin he can ever want aside from Jongin being himself and being his friend.

“That’s the lie that you always tell yourself, Baekhyun,” he hears Chanyeol’s constant argument to him when Jongin is brought up when they’re talking.

It’s not that Baekhyun is lying to himself. He really doesn’t expect much from Jongin except for his friendship. Because he knows that it’s all Jongin can give him. Why ask for something you know can’t be given to you? And so he spares himself the disappointment and heartache and never asks for anything more.

“Aren’t you tired of just giving and giving and never getting anything in return?” is another question that Chanyeol constantly asks him. “You can’t just say yes to everything he asks from you.”

Baekhyun smiles to himself as he unlocks his apartment. If there’s something he can’t do, it’s saying no to Jongin. Although, sometimes, he just might agree with Chanyeol.

Jongin is standing in the middle of the living area, staring at an envelope in his hand, when Baekhyun walks in. He removes his shoes and shrugs his coat off to hang it on the rack and slowly approaches him. Jongin only looks up when Baekhyun is close enough.

“Is everything okay?” Baekhyun asks. He knows that the answer to this question is mostly no, but he always asks because maybe, one day, the answer will sincerely be yes.

Jongin takes a deep breath as his eyes fall on the envelope once more. “Kyungsoo and I booked our honeymoon way before we even picked a venue for our wedding,” he speaks as if reminding himself. He scoffs. “I’ve completely forgotten about this,” he smiles wryly at Baekhyun. “It’s a Europe trip.”

The Europe trip that Jongin kept on talking about all the time right after they’d booked it. Jongin’s always wanted to go to Europe and having made plans to go there with the person he cared about the most made it all the more exciting. London, Italy, Paris. Baekhyun takes a deep breath. He knows their itinerary well because he was the one who’d helped Jongin create it.

“You should still go. I mean, everything’s already paid for anyway,” Baekhyun suggests. It was probably best for Jongin to get away, to clear his mind at a place where he won’t be reminded so much about Kyungsoo every second of the day. “I’m sure your boss can let you off.”

“I have already filed my leave,” Jongin seems to be thinking about it. But there’s a crease in between his brows and Baekhyun knows he’s trying very hard not to be emotional about the whole thing.

“There you go then,” Baekhyun says. He gently takes the envelope from Jongin’s hand and places it back on the table. “C’mon. The guys are probably waiting for us. You should go get ready.”

Baekhyun’s halfway to his room when Jongin calls out, “There are two tickets.”

Baekhyun freezes and he slowly turns back to face him again. His eyes move towards the envelope on the table, feeling his chest crushing his heart as it constricts. Even before he looks up, even before Jongin opens his mouth to speak, he already knows what’s coming to him.

He starts shaking his head. “Jongin, I don’t think—”

“It’s just for a couple of weeks,” Jongin cuts him off desperately. “I’m sure you can get off work.”

“It’s a whole month, Jongin,” Baekhyun reasons, trying to swallow the big lump that has placed itself at the base of his throat. “I can’t just take a sudden vacation. I can’t just leave.”

“But the ticket’s already there and I know you have your passport ready,” Jongin insists, taking a couple of strides across the room before he’s standing right in front of Baekhyun, hands on his shoulders. “Besides, it’s Europe. You’ve always wanted to go to Europe. This is your chance.”

“But I—“ Baekhyun finds himself out of counter options.

“Please, Baek,” Jongin whispers frantically. “I know I need to get away, but maybe it’s better if you go with me. That way I can still find my way even if I get lost. You know how lost I can get.”

Baekhyun meets his eyes. He can’t help but think that Jongin isn’t just talking about getting lost in Europe. But he doesn’t allow himself to dig deeper. Instead, he nods.

“Okay,” he softly gives in. “Only because it’s Europe.”

Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut as Jongin hugs him tightly. He hopes he won’t come to regret this.



-



“When were you going to tell me that you were going on a little trip?” Chanyeol asks Baekhyun as his forkful of pasta is halfway to his mouth.

Baekhyun swallows and puts his fork down, suddenly feeling like he’s lost his appetite. He glances out of the window of the restaurant and sees people rushing to and fro, having places to go, things to do. He wonders just how complicated their lives are compared to his.

“How did you find out?” Baekhyun takes a deep breath as he meets his gaze.

“Apparently Jongin mentioned it in passing to Jongdae,” Chanyeol explains, waving it off dismissively. He leans towards him, elbows on the table. “Baekhyun, I know you’re looking out for him and I know that you think this will help him because he says he needs you. But this is a bad idea.”

“I know that,” Baekhyun snaps and Chanyeol straightens up in surprise. He breathes deeply. “I know that going with him isn’t really going to be good for him,” he repeats in a calmer fashion. “He needs to be able to think and that would be easier for him if I’m not around. But he asked and I just… if you’d seen him… He’s so broken, Chanyeol,” he worriedly says as he meets Chanyeol’s furrowed brow. “I can’t just leave him by himself. Especially somewhere as far away as Europe.”

Chanyeol doesn’t say anything as Baekhyun resumes eating his pasta. As soon as he’d agreed to go on the trip, Jongin took out the list of things that they needed to pack, a list that Baekhyun had made. Jongin was actually excited. He had smiled like he hadn’t been doing for the past two weeks after the wedding and Baekhyun really didn’t have the heart to rain on his parade.

“When I said that it was a bad idea, I didn’t mean for Jongin,” Chanyeol starts speaking again, shaking his head when Baekhyun starts to interrupt. “I meant for you.”

Baekhyun looks down at his half-eaten food. “Chanyeol, please,” he entreats in a rasped voice.

“You know I’m right,” Chanyeol maintains. “This…friendship that you have with Jongin has been destroying you for years.”

“I’m fine,” Baekhyun insists, still not meeting his eyes.

“If you go on this trip, you’re just going to hurt yourself even more,” Chanyeol continues adamantly. “And you’re going to find out, yet again, that you’re in love with someone who will never see you the way you see him—“

Baekhyun slams his hand on the table. Chanyeol leans back on his seat just as other patrons curiously glance their way. He and Chanyeol had been friends for years, meeting in several university classes as Chanyeol was taking up engineering. Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol had always known about his feelings for his best friend. But never had he so candidly spoken about it the way he is doing now. And never has the truth hurt so much.

“I know all those things,” Baekhyun starts to speak in slow and measured tones, clenching his hand on the table into a tight fist. “You don’t have to be worried about me or my feelings and remind me about them. I’m not stupid.”

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol tries to interrupt.

“I’m going on this trip with him because he asked me to,” Baekhyun goes on like Chanyeol hasn’t spoken. “I’m going because I’m his best friend first and foremost. That’s a priority above and beyond any sort of feelings I may have for him.”

“You’re just going to get hurt,” Chanyeol looks truly concerned and Baekhyun knows that he’s reminded of all those times Baekhyun has broken down and cried because a one-sided love was just too painful to go through.

“I know,” Baekhyun agrees resignedly. He clasps his hands together and takes a deep breath because he does understand what Chanyeol is telling him. Many stupid things have been done for love, but hurting one’s self because of it should never be one of them. But he’s been Jongin’s best friend for so long that he can’t just stop the friendship in a snap of a finger. “I know,” he repeats.

Chanyeol reaches out across the table and puts both his hands on top of Baekhyun’s clasped ones. “Will you call when it becomes too much?” he asks.

Baekhyun forces a smile as he turns his hand upside down to hold Chanyeol’s instead.



-



It’s the night before their flight and Baekhyun is doing some last minute packing, going through everything and making sure they’re bringing everything that they need. The doorbell rings and Baekhyun straightens up and pads through the apartment in his socks to open the door.

“Hi,” Junmyeon greets.

“Hey,” Baekhyun returns the greeting, surprised, letting him in.

“Just wondering if you wanted some help with any last minute thing,” Junmyeon offers, following Baekhyun into the apartment and watching as he takes out a couple of too big shirts out of one of the luggage. “I’m guessing that’s Jongin unpacking unnecessarily again.”

“If by unnecessary, you mean a teddy bear and a case of beer, then yes,” Baekhyun shares with an eye roll. “I think he’s scared that beer would be too expensive in Europe.”

“And the bear…?” Junmyeon’s brows are furrowed.

Baekhyun laughs. “It’s a gift from his parents when he was younger. He likes having it around wherever he is,” he explains. He puts the bear in another luggage and zips up the other one. “I’m surprised you managed to get time away from work to come visit,” he continues.

“I won’t be able to see you off tomorrow so I figured…” Junmyeon shrugs then looks around. “Where’s Jongin?”

“Bought some snacks for the plane,” Baekhyun says, walking back into the bedroom to get his bag where their passports and tickets are. “And you don’t have to see us off, you know. Chanyeol’s just being overly fussy about the whole thing.”

Chanyeol has never stopped giving him warnings and pep talks about the trip, telling him again and again how things can horribly go wrong and how he could end up crying and regretting ever going with Jongin. And, while Baekhyun hears him out, he also just takes it for what it is and ignores him. Sometimes, though, he pats Chanyeol’s cheek in affection, to which Chanyeol swats his hand away and scowls.

Junmyeon lets out a breath and stuffs his hands in his slacks pocket. “I want to,” he decisively states. “Baekhyun, there’s something I want to tell you.”

“What is it?” Baekhyun asks distractedly as he sorts through some paperwork.

Junmyeon approaches him, empties Baekhyun’s hands and places his own on his arms. “Baekhyun,” he repeats and Baekhyun finally looks at him. “There’s something I want to—“ He clears his throat. “I think you can do better.”

“Sorry, what are you—I don’t understand,” Baekhyun says, his eyes curiously tracing Junmyeon’s face. “Junmyeon?” he presses when he doesn’t respond.

“I think you shouldn’t go on this trip,” Junmyeon clarifies, taking a deep breath.

“What?” Baekhyun manages to chuckle despite his perplexity.

“I think it’s unfair for you because you’re Jongin’s best friend,” Junmyeon rambles, “and he should know better than to ask you for anything like this because if he knew better, if he knew you at all then he wouldn’t because he understands and—“

Baekhyun places a hand on Junmyeon’s chest and stops him. “Wait, where is this coming from?” he asks.

This is the first time he’s hearing anything of this sort coming from Junmyeon, who’s normally so calm and genial. He’s always been a good friend, but was never really the type to meddle into anything in his personal life. He didn’t even know that Junmyeon knew about his feelings for Jongin.

“You deserve better, Baekhyun, I wish you would see that,” Junmyeon practically pleads.

“I’m not sure I follow,” Baekhyun lies. Because even if his feelings for Jongin may be written on his face, he’d rather not say them out loud.

“You’re in love with him,” Junmyeon spells out. “You’re in love with someone who’s in love with someone else, who’s always been in love with someone else, who—“

“Stop,” Baekhyun says, pushing him back. He takes a couple of steps away from and takes a couple of deep breaths. This strangely feels like déjà vu, except this time it’s with someone whom he’s never ever talked to about Jongin, someone from the outside. It just means that he doesn’t have a grasp on this whole situation as well as he thought he did.

“He was getting married to Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon goes on. He reaches out and grasps Baekhyun’s arms again, much tighter this time. “He was getting married—“

“Stop. It,” Baekhyun repeats, this time in a much lower voice. He allows Chanyeol to speak to him like this because Chanyeol’s been his friend much longer and he’s someone he actually whines to about his feelings. But Junmyeon, as much as he is a friend, has no right to speak to him like this. He pushes Junmyeon back harder. “You don’t know what you’re—“

“But I do know, Baekhyun,” Junmyeon interrupts Baekhyun, who just becomes even more infuriated. “I do know.”

And before Baekhyun can react, Junmyeon’s pressing him against a wall, lips on his.



-



Baekhyun isn’t sure why he ever thought that Jongin pushing through with his “honeymoon” and going with him was ever a good idea. Maybe because he really thought that it would help Jongin get out of the rut, that being in another country, another continent, would make him feel, even the slightest bit, better, that it would make him see that things aren’t so bad, that life goes on. Baekhyun’s never felt so stupid and helpless in his entire life. Because, instead of all the things that Baekhyun had hoped Jongin would think and experience, Jongin has decided to further bury himself in desolation, European style.

Baekhyun bites his lip as he looks back to where Jongin is sprawled on the foot of the sofa, eyes bearing into the flashing pictures on the British television, hair greasy, face tear-streaked and beer on hand. It was a picture of utter despair and one that Baekhyun can’t bear to witness at the moment. He closes the door behind him and walks down the hallway to the hotel elevators.

As he walks down street, the street lamps lighting the road in yellow, he takes his phone from his pocket and dials a number.

Chanyeol answers on the second ring.

“Hey,” Chanyeol greets. There the sound of some rustling sheets and Baekhyun suddenly remembers the time difference. “I was wondering if you’d ever call.”

“You could have called me,” Baekhyun points out. He sighs, thinking that maybe it was a bad idea to call Chanyeol at all. “I can call at another time.”

“Stop,” Chanyeol stifles a yawn. “You know I don’t care when you call, that I like it better when you call me because it means you’re actually talking and letting things out. But, just so you know, paying for international calls is not really my thing,” he reminds him with a chuckle and Baekhyun weakly echoes him. Chanyeol quiets and sighs. “Still no improvement?”

“I really don’t know why he had to come all the way to Europe just to continue wasting away,” is Baekhyun’s response.

“Is that really what you’re wondering about or are you really wondering why you ever agreed to go with him?” Chanyeol returns.

“Can’t I wonder about both?” Baekhyun replies, taking a seat on the sidewalk. He looks up at the dark, cloudy sky, trying to catch the raindrops that were starting to make their way down with his free hand.

There was a similar night like this just a couple of years ago. Baekhyun’s boyfriend had just dumped him and he decided that drowning himself with beer and rain was a good idea. He had just started to think that singing depressing love songs was a good idea when Jongin had suddenly materialized beside him, beer in hand as well.

Baekhyun remembers Jongin quietly humming along, his arm around his shoulders, making him rest his head on his. After a while, when Baekhyun had stopped singing, Jongin started humming happier songs in an effort to make him laugh, which it did. By the end of the night, Baekhyun was laughing because there was really nothing funnier than Jongin singing.

It’s the small things like these that always have Baekhyun coming back to Jongin. No matter how much being in love with him hurt, Jongin still always manages to make him feel better when he needs him the most. Jongin may be oblivious to his feelings, but he’s always been a good best friend, and Baekhyun can’t say he doesn’t appreciate his efforts in that regard. Sometimes, though, he still wonders how he can go on pretending that he doesn’t care that Jongin doesn’t even notice the glaring detail of him being in love with him.

Chanyeol sighs through his yawn. “You already know how I feel about you and him,” he finally says. “But you’re already there and there’s no point in crying over something you have no control of. Unless, you want to come home?”

“No,” is Baekhyun’s immediate answer. He’s never abandoned Jongin before and he’s not going to start now. “I can’t. I’ll…” He takes a deep breath. “I’ll talk to him.”

“About Junmyeon, I—,” Chanyeol starts, but Baekhyun interrupts him.

“Don’t,” Baekhyun says, taking a deep breath. He isn’t sure why he’s never noticed it before. But thinking about Junmyeon now just makes him feel guilty and reminds him how much unrequited love can be a . “Things are complicated enough as it is.”

When Baekhyun returns to their hotel room, he finds the television still on, playing some classic romance movie, and Jongin splayed on the couch, head bent to the side, the bottles of beer he had finished scattered on the floor. He sighs as he closes the door behind him and proceeds to clean up the mess. He can’t really remember the last time Jongin got himself drunk like this. When he thinks about it, Jongin never got drunk like this; except for that one time when they had a weird argument about something that Baekhyun doesn’t even remember anymore back in freshman year.

“Jongin,” he gently prods him awake once he’s finished cleaning up the mess by the turned off television. “Hey.” Jongin merely groans and shifts in his position, which now means that his head is cradled on Baekhyun’s shoulder. “C’mon, Jongin. You can’t sleep on the couch.”

“Don’t care,” Jongin mumbles, rubbing his nose on Baekhyun’s neck.

Baekhyun closes his eyes and takes a very deep breath. “Jongin, come on,” he insists, trying to haul him off the couch to no avail. “You reek of alcohol and you have to get dressed. You’re going to have such a bad hang over in the morning.”

Jongin doesn’t move. Baekhyun watches the rise and fall of his chest, his eyelashes splayed out on his cheeks, and thinks about how young he looks. Sometimes he forgets that Jongin is two years younger than him. In all their years of friendship, Jongin’s always acted like the older one, probably because he was way taller than him, thinking that it’s his job to protect him. Baekhyun thinks, though, that all it’s done is make him dependent on Jongin. He thinks he’s been set up for disappointment all his life.

“I’ve seriously had enough of this,” he continues in frustration.

He remembers telling Chanyeol that he’d talk to Jongin. But he’s a coward and can’t really tell Jongin any of his frustrations because he firmly believes that he doesn’t have any right to feel that way. He’s not supposed to be in love with his best friend, after all.

“If you won’t even bother taking care of yourself anymore, I won’t do it for you. I’m not…” Baekhyun blinks because sudden tears sting his eyes. “I’m not your babysitter. I’m your best friend and if you can’t—“ He cuts himself off as he places a blanket over Jongin. “I’m your best friend,” he repeats, watching as Jongin’s chest moves up and down with each slumbered breath. “I wish you’d make an effort to be mine, too. I’m here. In Europe. With you, because you asked me to, and I wish you’d try harder even though it’s painful, even though you feel like you’d rather die. Just… I wish I don’t have to tell you these things for you to understand how I feel.” He takes a deep breath and swipes at the tear that slid down his cheek. “I wish you knew me like I knew you, Jongin. I wish you understood that I—“ Shaking his head, he stands up and decides to let that thought go unfinished.

As he slides under the bed covers, he tries to find Jongin in the darkness of the room. He lies down on the bed and closes his eyes when he couldn’t see him.



-



Baekhyun is in the middle of a dream—about what, he suddenly can’t remember anymore—when he feels a form of warmth pressing up against him, subsequently dragging him out of dreamland. He breathes in deeply and snuggles onto what seems like a muscular chest. There’s a tightening around his waist as he’s pulled closer to the warmth. Sighing in contentment, he gives in, humming in agreement. He smiles when lips are pressed onto his forehead, his eyes fluttering open.

It takes him five seconds to realize that he’s pressed against Jongin, their arms around each other and their legs tangled together.

Pushing Jongin off ungracefully, he sits up and takes in the state that they’re in. It seems Jongin had made his way into the bed somewhere in the middle of the night. He vaguely remembers shifting his position on the bed the night before and thinks back in horror how he welcomingly pulled in the cozy presence towards himself.

To his left, Jongin groans. “It’s too early in the morning to be over thinking about things,” he announces, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his left hand.

“You were—“ Baekhyun lamely points at the couch.

“Yeah,” Jongin explains with a yawn. “I was getting up to go to the bathroom when I saw you shivering and I couldn’t leave you cold, you know? You always get cold so easily.”

Baekhyun blushes. “Thanks,” he clears his throat and moves to get out of the bed. He starts walking away from the bed towards the bathroom when he turns back and leans forward to place the blanket back on Jongin. “You should go back to bed. I’ll be out of here in no time.”

Because that’s become their routine. Jongin sleeps in, Baekhyun places a glass of water and some medicine on the bedside table to help with his hangover, writes a note to remind Jongin to order in and actually take in some food, and then leaves to go sightseeing.

Baekhyun’s halfway towards the bathroom, clothes and utilities in hand when Jongin asks, “Aren’t you taking me with you?”

“I’m pretty sure you’re still half drunk,” Baekhyun answers evenly. “You should just go back to bed and get some rest. Besides, it’s our last day in London. We can just have dinner out when I get back if you really want to go out.”

Jongin sits up and shakes his head. “I’ve taken care of that hangover,” he explains. “I’ve taken the medicine and have actually showered already. I can just dress up and be ready to go in a couple of minutes.”

Baekhyun takes a couple of skeptical steps towards him and breathes in deeply when he’s close enough to smell Jongin’s scent. He doesn’t smell like alcohol and when he looks at him, he doesn’t look like he’s about to keel over any moment. Jongin grins at him when their eyes meet.

“Do I pass?” Jongin asks, still smiling.

“I’ll just shower,” Baekhyun replies instead and locks himself in the bathroom.

Later on, as they stroll down Piccadilly Street, Jongin takes Baekhyun’s hand in his and squeezes it. Baekhyun squeezes back.



-



Germany is definitely a lot more different than London. Aside from the fact that it’s a whole other country with a diverse culture and customs, it’s a deviation from their original itinerary. They were supposed to go to Italy next, but, on a whim, Jongin suggested that they stop by Germany since it’s on the way to Italy anyway. And Baekhyun, seeing Jongin suddenly so alive and excited for the first time since the wedding, gave in and allowed the side trip to Germany.

Jongin purses his lips as he studies the map before he looks up at a seemingly random direction. “I think our hotel is this way,” he points to his left side and turns back to the map again.

“Are you sure?” Baekhyun asks, slightly stressed because the last thing he wants to happen to them is to get lost. He doesn’t like the feeling, which is why he meticulously planned their itineraries in London, Italy and Paris. He doesn’t like not knowing where he is and how to get to and away from a certain place. “Maybe we should—“

“Relax,” Jongin assures him, taking his wrist and leading him away from the street corner where the cab had dropped them off. For some reason unknown to Baekhyun, Jongin managed to bungle the directions to their hotel. “We’ll be fine.”

The last time Jongin had used the word fine in a sentence, he practically trashed their suite in London. Baekhyun had asked if he was going to be okay by himself on their first day and Jongin answered that he was going to be fine. When Baekhyun returned, if he hadn’t known better, he would’ve thought that Jongin threw a party.

After an hour of circling the same block, because Jongin can’t read a map to save his life (and didn’t want Baekhyun to do anything but “relax”), they finally found their hotel. Baekhyun flops down on the bed as Jongin rummages around with his luggage for something. After this carries on for more than a couple of minutes, he sits up and watches him.

“What are you looking for?” Baekhyun asks curiously.

“Just some stuff,” Jongin vaguely answers.

“Would those stuff happen to be the papers you had lying around the floor yesterday?” Baekhyun carefully asks. Jongin looks up at him hopefully and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “They’re folded in the inner side pocket of your luggage.”

Jongin fishes them out and beams when he finds them. “Thank you,” he practically sighs out in relief. He takes a step forward and presses a kiss to Baekhyun’s forehead. Taking his phone out, he grabs his backpack and walks towards the door. “I’ll be right back. You stay here and… rest.” With a wink, he’s out of the room.

Baekhyun just stares at him. His forehead is still tingling where Jongin’s lips have touched him.



-



Berlin is famous for its music and nightlife, which is why when Jongin brings Baekhyun to one of the clubbing districts he really isn’t surprised. And even though clubbing isn’t really his thing (more of Jongin’s because he’s into dancing), he just tightens his hand on his because he doesn’t really want to get lost in this sea of people. That, and because he didn’t really pay attention to where streets and corners that the cab had passed because Jongin said he’s in charge of the Germany leg of their trip.

As Jongin moves to the beat of the music in the middle of the dance floor, Baekhyun sits back and just watches.

He likes watching Jongin dance because it’s something that Jongin’s always had for himself, something he knows Jongin doesn’t have to share with anyone else, and something that he can lose himself in.

Then again, Jongin always seems to lose himself in the things he likes and forgets everything else.

Because, somewhere in between the King Kong Club, Weekend and the Kaffee Burger, Baekhyun finds himself alone. And, although it hurts, it really shouldn’t have surprised him anymore.



-



As the sun’s rays are just starting to peek through the hotel curtains, Baekhyun feels Jongin stealthily slide into bed. He squeezes his eyes shut and pretends that he hadn’t been awake all this time, waiting for him to get back.

Jongin wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him back towards him, his breath ghosting the back of Baekhyun’s neck. Baekhyun tries to breathe evenly to keep up the pretense of being asleep because he really can’t deal with Jongin at the moment. He can’t deal with the ache in his heart that just keeps on growing and growing because he continuously lies to himself that nothing is wrong.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin whispers to his neck. There’s a pause and a deep breath. “I am your best friend, Baek. I see you,” he continues. Baekhyun uncontrollably stiffens and Jongin knowingly tightens his arm around him. “And I’m trying. Just… I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Baekhyun bites his tongue, forcing himself not to retort back. He knows it will happen again. Because Jongin still doesn’t understand. There’s so much he doesn’t understand and doesn’t see. Jongin is just apologizing for all the wrong reasons and it just makes his heart ache even more.



-



Still, Jongin is trying so Baekhyun gives him credit for that. Now that he knows that his frustrated tirade didn’t really fall on deaf ears, or sleeping ones for that matter, he appreciates that Jongin created this whole Germany trip just for him.

“Wait, so you’re in Germany right now?” Chanyeol’s surprise seeps through the phone line and makes Baekhyun chuckle.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun answers as he watches Jongin industriously scrub off the wine stain on his white shirt. “Just for a couple of days then we go back to the original itinerary.”

“So he just woke up one morning, decided to be sober and played tour guide for you. In Germany,” Chanyeol paraphrases.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun hesitates. “I kind of said something and I guess he listened even if he wasn’t meant to really hear it.” He raises his eyebrows in amusement when Jongin grumbles really loudly and furrows his eyebrows at the purplish stain.

“You talked to him, but you didn’t mean for him to hear it…?” Chanyeol repeats, sounding confused.

“Oh, he was drunk and I just…” Baekhyun sighs. “He took me to dinner earlier. It’s this very interesting place where the whole restaurant’s dark and they teach you how to actually find your food so you can eat and—“ He sighs again. “Chanyeol, Jongin’s never ever taken me to a fancy dinner before.”

“That sure sounds fancy,” Chanyeol comments with a chuckle. “I mean, you couldn’t see anything. Did you guys knock over anything?”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun distractedly responds. “Jongin spilled wine on himself. Chanyeol, I just—“

“He just broke up with Kyungsoo, Baek,” Chanyeol cuts him off. “If you can even call that a break-up. That was more like the ending of a future. I’m sorry to tell you like this, but you can’t let this get your hopes up. You’re on his honeymoon.”

“You’re right,” Baekhyun averts his eyes when Jongin looks up at him and smiles. “You’re right. I’m being stupid.”

“You’re not,” Chanyeol corrects him adamantly. “You’re just… you’re just in love.”

Baekhyun thinks that being in love and being stupid can go hand-in-hand but he doesn’t tell Chanyeol that. Instead, he takes another deep breath and asks something that’s been nagging at him since the start of their vacation.

“How’s--how’s Junmyeon?” He says it so quickly that he imagines Chanyeol trying to figure out what he’s just said before managing an answer.

“How do you think he is?” Chanyeol returns, and Baekhyun can hear the cautiousness in his voice.

Baekhyun steps out of the washroom and leans his back against the wall. He closes his eyes. He knows exactly just how Junmyeon is feeling. What he can get past is the fact that he’s done exactly what Jongin’s been doing all these years. He never noticed because he was busy looking elsewhere, and he really hated himself for that. Maybe he gets just as lost into the things he likes just as much as Jongin does.

“Don’t blame yourself,” Chanyeol speaks when Baekhyun doesn’t say anything. “It’s not your fault. There are some things that just aren’t...” He trails off and clears his throat.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun whispers. He looks up when Jongin comes out, stain still overtly present on his shirt. “Hey,” he tells Chanyeol. “I have to go.” He ends the call and pockets his phone. “I guess we’re buying you a new shirt,” he teases Jongin.

Baekhyun consoles himself with the idea that, at least, he now knows about Junmyeon’s feelings, has acknowledged it, and has let him down gently. He believes that being let down is better than waiting for something that might never even come.



-
 

One of the reasons Baekhyun thinks he’s fallen in love with Jongin is because they’re complete opposites. While Baekhyun is organized and is one who likes to plan things, Jongin is spontaneous and always like going with the flow. While Baekhyun is cautious and is slightly on the more serious side, Jongin is a bit more reckless and on the happy-go-lucky side.

So when Jongin decided that he’d do all the planning for their stay in Germany, Baekhyun was somewhat afraid that it would involve things like bungee jumping or skydiving. When it didn’t involve anything remotely dangerous (although eating at Unsicht-Bar could be categorized as such), Baekhyun felt relieved.

But then Baekhyun suddenly finds himself stepping out of their hotel in North Frankfurt to Jongin in the driver’s seat of one of the most expensive sports cars he’s ever seen and he thinks he should have seen this coming.

“Where are we going?” Baekhyun asks as he gets in, figuring that it’s fruitless to ask when he rented this car and how he could afford it.

“You’re in for a treat,” Jongin tells him with a wink. “We’re going for a drive.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes as he looks out of the window, trees and grass moving past, as they move onto the highway. He’s not exactly sure what’s so special about driving around in Germany, but he supposes he should just let Jongin do what he wants since he’s the one who wanted to go there.

There was a time when he tried to influence Jongin to do something he wouldn’t normally do. Jongin was supposed to take up dance as a major for college. But, somehow, Baekhyun managed to make him see reason that maybe he should capitalize on his love and talent on drawing more for his future’s sake.

In hindsight, it really was Baekhyun who pushed Jongin and Kyungsoo together. When all he really wanted was to have Jongin near.

Baekhyun takes a deep breath and shakes himself out of his reverie. No point in feeling regret over something that’s already happened. He glances at Jongin, who’s expertly maneuvering them down the A45 of the autobahn with a big grin on his face. He looks back at Baekhyun and his smile just grows bigger.

“Having fun?” Jongin teases. “I’m surprised you’re so cool about this whole thing. Normally, you’d be scratching my face already.”

“Why, what should I be—“ He happens a glance at the speedometer and immediately stiffens in his seat because 180kph is way beyond normal speed. He looks out of the window, his eyes widening because everything’s just green blur at this point.

“What are you doing!” he screeches, reaching out to grip Jongin’s thigh. “Are you trying to fast track our death?!”

Jongin chuckles, much to Baekhyun panic and annoyance, and effortlessly pries Baekhyun’s hand on his thigh. “I’m trying to get you to loosen up,” he admits, smiling a little. He noticeably slows down, 120kph, and Baekhyun relaxes a bit.

“I think that this is the wrong way to do that,” Baekhyun manages to speak through his distress.

“Hey,” Jongin squeezes his hand. “I’m—“

“No,” Baekhyun immediately shakes his head and squeezes back. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s nothing to be sorry for.”

Jongin gives him a gentle smile. “I was actually going to say that I’m glad you’re here,” he chuckles shyly.

And despite everything, Baekhyun smiles back at him. “I’m glad I’m here, too.”



-



If London was all about long walks and shopping, and Germany, the nightlife and a certain amount of recklessness, Italy is all about the wine.

Tuscany was the best place for wine tasting and so that’s where they went. Hopping from winery to winery, getting drunk not just on the wine, but also on the sheer beauty of the Tuscan countryside.

Baekhyun answers his phone without even looking at the caller ID, still laughing at Jongin, who just choked on the wine he’s just tasted. “Hello,” he greets, tossing Jongin a napkin so that he could wipe the wine off his chin. “Hello?” he repeats when no one responds. He frowns and glances at the caller ID and sees that it’s an unknown number. “Hello,” he patiently repeats, pressing the phone back to his ear, thinking that maybe there’s a connection problem.

“How is Italy?” comes the response without so much as a hello or any form of greeting.

Baekhyun swallows and slowly lifts his eyes to Jongin, who’s giving him a curious look. He merely shakes his head and turns away, slowing his walk down so that he’s lagging behind the others.

“Kyungsoo,” he quietly breathes out. His heart is pounding heavily in his chest because he’s always known that Kyungsoo will come forward in his own time. He just wasn’t expecting it to be now.

“I’m sorry, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo blurts out and Baekhyun flinches from the sheer sincerity of it. He stumbles backwards and allows himself to fall back from the crowd even more.

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun starts to reply, but Kyungsoo cuts him off.

“I’m not getting back together with him,” Kyungsoo tells him. “I just… I wanted to know how he’s doing and—“

“If you don’t have any intention of even giving an explanation as to why you did what you did, then you don’t really have any right to know how he’s doing,” Baekhyun snaps, clenching his fist. “You broke him, Kyungsoo!” he continues before Kyungsoo can get a word out. “You said you loved him and then you leave him like he’s meant nothing to you. You’ve been together for years. Years, Kyungsoo. And this is how you show how much that time with him has meant to you. You just—“

“You’re wrong,” Kyungsoo interrupts harshly. “He means everything to me. I just can’t marry him.”

“Why?” Baekhyun demands. “Because let me tell you something, Kyungsoo, you don’t just dump your fiancé at the altar.”

“There are things that you don’t understand, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo desperately tries to make him understand. “Jongin and I, we weren’t always—“

“You’re talking to Kyungsoo?”

Baekhyun whips around. Jongin is standing there, wide eyes traveling from his face to the phone pressed on his ear.

“Jongin, I—,” Baekhyun tries to explain, but the phone is out of his grasp in an instant.

Baekhyun wraps his arms around himself as he watches Jongin walk away.



-



Baekhyun stands up with a start as the door of their hotel room slams open. Jongin trudges in, swaying slightly as he closes the door behind him. He can immediately tell that Jongin’s drunk, just judging by the smell of wine reeking off of him.

An hour after Jongin left to talk to Kyungsoo by himself, Baekhyun tried looking for Jongin everywhere in the winery. When he couldn’t find him, he decided that it was probably best that he let Jongin by himself for a while to deal with whatever he and Kyungsoo talked about. So he went back to the hotel to wait for him. Glancing at the clock, he realizes it’s taken Jongin four hours to get back.

Baekhyun slowly makes his way towards him. “Hey,” he carefully says. “Are you okay?”

Jongin’s eyes find him. They slightly widen before Jongin practically throws himself on him, arms wrapped tightly around his smaller frame. “Baekhyun,” he slurs through his speech, his nose buried in his neck. “Baekhyun.”

“I’m here,” Baekhyun tells him, wrapping his arms around him as well. “I’m here,” he repeats just for good measure, even though he’s always been there for Jongin, something he probably has never really noticed.

Jongin pulls away and takes a good look at Baekhyun, his hands on his shoulders. “It’s you, you know,” Jongin says. “It’s you. Always you.”

Baekhyun stares at him in confusion. “What are you saying?” he asks. “How did your talk with Kyungsoo go? What did you guys talk about?” Jongin’s hold on him merely tightens as he blinks, gaze unfocused.

“Always you, Baekhyun,” Jongin just repeats as he buries his face back in Baekhyun’s neck.

Baekhyun stands there and holds Jongin in his arms. This isn’t anything new. Jongin has always come to him and whined about grades, family problems, relationship issues, all ending with his face in Baekhyun’s neck until Baekhyun successfully makes him laugh and subsequently makes him feel better.

If he was honest with himself, Baekhyun likes it when Jongin comes to him because he believes that, as his best friend, it’s his responsibility and right to be the one to make him feel better. Although, this is the first time that Jongin’s come to him while drunk and he’s not quite sure how to handle a drunken and clingy Jongin.

“Hey, Jongin, maybe you should get a shower and--” Baekhyun cuts himself off because did Jongin just... He gently pushes Jongin away and takes in his intoxicated state and thinks that maybe he’s just imagining things. “I’m going to draw you a bath,” he continues, turning away from him to go to the bathroom.

But Jongin grabs him and pushes him to the door. Baekhyun’s eyes widen as Jongin keeps him there, arms pinned to his sides.

“Jongin, what--”

Jongin kisses him.



-



It would be a lie to say that Baekhyun’s never imagined what it would be like to be kissed by his best friend. He’d always thought it would be some romantic and magical thing, kissing under the stars, or during the first snow; just during some big event after they’d realized that they’d both been in love with each other all this time and Baekhyun was just too stupid to even see it.

He imagined that Jongin would be gentle, lips soft on his, coaxing him to carefully open up for him. There’d be no rush because they’d have all the time in the world to explore what kind of kisses they like, how they want to be kissed. Jongin would put an arm around his waist, while his other hand would gently caress his cheek. He’d be pliant underneath his touch because that moment would be something he’s been waiting for a long time.

This isn’t how he thought being kissed by Jongin would be like; his back pressing against the hard wood of a hotel door, Jongin’s fingers hard on the back of his neck, lips sliding roughly with his.

Baekhyun tries to push him away, digging his nails into Jongin’s arms. But Jongin just pushes back harder than before. Jongin tilts his head slightly to gain more access to Baekhyun’s mouth and Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut because Jongin is drunk and doesn’t know what he’s doing.

When Jongin pulls away for a second, Baekhyun rushes to speak. “Jongin, stop, what are you—“

The words die in his throat because Jongin’s lips have moved from his lips to his jaw and down to his neck. He clenches his fists stringently, forcing back any desire he’s starting to feel because he can’t, won’t, take advantage of Jongin being inebriated. So he continues to push him away because as much as he wants this, as much as he wants Jongin to keep on kissing him like this, it just doesn’t seem fair.

“Jongin, please,” Baekhyun begs as tears starts to prickle beneath his eyelids.

“Let me,” Jongin whispers through his skin, his hands traveling underneath Baekhyun’s shirt. “Just this once.”

And when Jongin captures his lips again, Baekhyun yields to him and kisses back.



-



Baekhyun is on fire. Jongin’s touches burn his skin, while his kisses just make him ache for more. Things may have started on the rough side, but Jongin’s grown gentler as they moved across the room towards the bed. He’s touching Baekhyun like he’s made of glass and Baekhyun just can’t help but arch towards every contact of their skins.

Baekhyun reaches up, his fingertips tracing the lines on Jongin’s face, making him look at him. Their eyes meet. Jongin’s eyes are surging with something that’s unfamiliar yet familiar to Baekhyun at the same time. It makes him want to lift himself up to meet their lips together. So he does and Jongin kisses back, more passionately, more lovingly than Baekhyun would have expected from him.

“Jongin. Jongin,” Baekhyun groans in increasing volume. His is nearing with each push of Jongin in him.

Jongin clutches at him and Baekhyun knows that he’s nearing his peak as well.

They come at the same time.

And, while Baekhyun screams Jongin’s name, it’s not his that Jongin cries out with.



-



Baekhyun falls to the floor and curls into himself as soon he closes the bathroom door shut. Burying his face into his knees, he bites his lip to stop himself from sobbing out loud. He’s not exactly sure what he’s feeling at the moment, if he’s more hurt or angry; at himself or at Jongin, he isn’t sure either.

He’s not new to one-night stands or to casual or to buddies. He’s had his fair share of such unfortunate relationships, but with each person he’s been with, he’s made sure that he was with them one at a time and that he really was with them. It didn’t matter whether it meant nothing, if he was with someone, he made sure that he was faithful to them at that moment.

Being with Jongin is a whole different story. Simply because he’s Jongin, the person he’s been in love with his whole life. It’s never even crossed his mind that Jongin could ever feel the same way about him because, well, they’ve been friends for almost two decades and Jongin’s never shown any form of interest towards him. And with each year that passed, he’s learned to let his hopes whither little by little because waiting for something that’s never going to happen is completely pointless.

But when Jongin kissed him, such hopes suddenly bloomed back and he began to wonder that maybe, just maybe, there’s a possibility that Jongin is even the tiniest bit attracted to him as well. He allowed himself to open up to such likelihood and let himself be taken because such a chance may never come again. It was a selfish thought.

Apparently, it was a stupid one, too. For how could he ever think that Jongin would actually make love to him? Who is he anyway? He’s just Baekhyun. He’s Jongin’s best friend and that’s all he ever will be. He’s not Kyungsoo and never will be the Kyungsoo, whom Jongin is so in love with.

Choking back a sob, he reaches for the phone and absently dials Chanyeol’s number.

“Hello--”

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun starts breaking down, covering his mouth with his other hand as he gives in to his tears.

“Baekhyun?”

“Chanyeol, I want to come home,” Baekhyun tells him. “You’re right. This was a stupid idea. I should never have agreed to go on this trip with him. I should have known that--” He cuts himself off as his words dissolve into his sobs.

“Baekhyun, what happened?”

“It hurts so much,” Baekhyun cries. “It hurts so much.”

Baekhyun falls apart. His heart, which has been cracking inch by inch, is now into pieces. It’s something he’s not quite sure how to put back together because his heart has always belonged to Jongin, and he’s someone who doesn’t even want it.

“Baekhyun, I--please stop crying. Just...” There’s a pause. “I’ll, uh, go get Chanyeol.”

Baekhyun lifts his head up. “Who is this?” His eyes widen in sudden horrible realization. “Junmyeon?”

“I--yeah,” Junmyeon confirms with a nervous chuckle. “Sorry. Chanyeol went out to buy something for a bit and I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have--”

“I’m the one who should be sorry, Junmyeon,” Baekhyun quietly tells him, his sobs having quieted down. He shifts in his position on the tiled bathroom floor and leans his head back on the door.

“It’s not your fault,” Junmyeon softly says. “We don’t get to choose these things and how they pan out.”

Baekhyun closes his eyes because he can almost hear Junmyeon’s heart breaking. It eerily sounds just like his own and he just hates that he’s doing the same thing he’s experiencing to someone else.

“It’s so unfair,” Baekhyun whispers. “Why couldn’t I have been in love with you instead?”

Junmyeon chuckles uncharacteristically. “I think what would make things fair for you is for Jongin to have fallen in love with you as well,” he states.

Baekhyun lets out a shuddery breath.



-



Baekhyun nervously knocks on the door, his eyes trained on his sneakers. He’s done a lot of stupid and irrational things in his life, but he thinks this one takes the cake. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to regret his decision. He thinks it’s about time that he stand up for himself and what he believes is best for him.

“Baekhyun?” Chanyeol chokes out when he opens the door and sees him standing there. He steps out of his apartment and glances around. “What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you,” Baekhyun tells him as Chanyeol ushers him inside the apartment.

“About what? Aren’t you supposed to be on your way to Paris?” Chanyeol asks him, confused.

“Yeah, about that. I left,” Baekhyun hastily explains. “I decided to go home early.” He blows his cheeks out and plays with the hem of his shirt.

“And Jongin?” Chanyeol presses.

“He’s... there,” Baekhyun lamely elaborates. He meets Chanyeol’s eyes and when Chanyeol blinks, he knows that his friend understands what happened and what he’s done.

“Are you saying you left Jongin in Europe by himself?”

Baekhyun jumps at the new voice, one that he didn’t expect to even hear in person anymore. Turning around, he sees Kyungsoo standing by the kitchen doorway, expression something akin to surprise and anger. But, for someone who’s just stood someone up at the altar, Baekhyun can see that Kyungsoo is doing okay.

“What are you doing here?” Baekhyun demands, raising an eyebrow at Chanyeol, who merely gives him an apologetic smile.

“You left Jongin?” Kyungsoo repeats, eyes flashing.

“What’s it to you?” Baekhyun snaps, crossing his arms across his chest. He doesn’t need anyone, much less Kyungsoo, questioning a decision he’s been trying to do for himself all his life. “He doesn’t need me there. He can handle himself. He’s a grown man.”

“Baekhyun, he asked you to go with him,” Kyungsoo emphasizes. “Out of all the things he could have done with that trip, cancelled it, given it away, he asked you to go with him instead.”

“I never wanted to go in the first place,” Baekhyun retorts. “He knows that.” He glances at Chanyeol as if to ask for back up, but Chanyeol merely shakes his head and steps out to leave them to talk.

“But you did go,” Kyungsoo reminds him. “And he trusted that you’d be there for him the whole trip.”

“You don’t even know what happened!” Baekhyun practically growls at him. “You don’t know anything so I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself.” He turns to leave the apartment.

“He’s just been left at the altar, so he trusts his best friend to go on this trip with him and then you leave him, too,” Kyungsoo calls after him. “How do you think that feels?”

Baekhyun whirls around, anger surging in his chest, because how dare Kyungsoo accuse him of doing the same thing he did during their wedding. Baekhyun would never do what Kyungsoo did. And, even if it seemed like he did the same thing, the circumstances are different and it’s unfair to compare them.

“You have no right to be mad at me for anything! You have no right to be mad at anyone for anything!” Baekhyun yells. “This is your fault. You left him at the altar. You broke his heart. Not me. So you’re responsible for all of this!”

Kyungsoo takes a step back and Baekhyun couldn’t care less about how his words had sounded. He means every single thing he said because if Kyungsoo hadn’t left Jongin, they would be married and Baekhyun would be dealing with living his life by himself, and not nursing Jongin’s broken heart along with his. Two broken hearts do not go well together. It just spells out disaster, as what clearly has already happened.

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo quietly speaks after a short silence. “You’re the one who doesn’t know anything. I...” He lets out a breath. “I left Jongin because of you.”

Baekhyun opens his mouth to retort but stops himself as Kyungsoo’s words sink in. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about how Jongin and I only became close because he needed to talk to someone about you,” Kyungsoo shares, chuckling a little at the thought. “You’re all we talked about. Even when we became a couple. You’re all we fought about, too.”

Baekhyun feels uncomfortable at this sudden revelation. Something is prickling through his skin as he remembers Jongin drunk, saying It’s you, always you. He slowly lifts his eyes to meet Kyungsoo’s and he knows that the other male can see how confused he is.

“I didn’t marry him because of you,” Kyungsoo reiterates and Baekhyun almost flinches back.

“That’s... that’s impossible,” Baekhyun softly chokes out. “He doesn’t--he’s never--”

Kyungsoo snickers to himself as he shakes his head. “Do you know how it feels to watch your fiancé look to his best friend for every wedding decision? Even for the smallest thing as the tablecloth color, he asks for your opinion.”

“He knew you were busy and he didn’t want to--”

“You planned our honeymoon with him, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo cuts him off fiercely. He bites his lip, breathing deeply to calm himself down. “I’ve always known it would come to this. I shouldn’t have let things go too far.”

“He loves you, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun insists. His mind is reeling, caught off-guard because no, Jongin isn’t in love with him. “You don’t know how in love he is with you. You should’ve seen him when we were in Europe, he--”

“It doesn’t matter how in love he is with me,” Kyungsoo maintains. “I will always be second best to you. Because you’re his best friend. Because you’re Baekhyun.” A small mocking smile forms on his lips. “He does, Baekhyun,” he finally answers his earlier queries. “He always has.”



-




There was this day back in their freshman year where Baekhyun and Jongin attended a party that one of their seniors invited them to. Baekhyun was buzzing with excitement because something major had just happened to his normally stagnant love life, because despite being always in love with Jongin, he has always tried to veer away from his feelings for him in an effort to get over him.

Baekhyun had just been asked out by the really hot music major, Lu Han, and he’d been waiting all day to tell Jongin about it. When they finally got to the party, he blurted out the details. He remembers Jongin staring at him and then disappearing into the crowd.

Jongin got badly drunk then. He had sashayed towards Baekhyun, wrapping his arms around him and saying nonsensical things like “You’re my best friend, but I love you.”

Now that Baekhyun thinks about it, he thinks it’s not so nonsensical anymore.

“Baek.”

Baekhyun is startled out of the memory and takes a step back when he sees Jongin standing in the middle of his apartment.

“What are you doing here?” Baekhyun stammers, taking another step back.

“When you left, your note... I couldn’t just stay anymore so I went home,” Jongin explains. “Baekhyun, about what happened, I--”

“No,” Baekhyun stops him before he can speak any further. “There’s nothing to talk about. Nothing--what happened, it happens and we can’t...” He breathes in frustration because he can’t seem to get his thoughts straight. “Let’s just leave it at that.”

They fall into silence after that. Baekhyun’s mind is filled with thoughts of what Kyungsoo’s just revealed to him. How possible is it that Kyungsoo is telling the truth and that Jongin’s actually had feelings for him all those years ago? How is it that he’s never seen it even though he’s always been looking at just Jongin?

But even if it was true, nothing changed the fact that Baekhyun’s already in over his head. Leaving Jongin in Europe was just the first step of his plans for himself. He plans to leave Jongin in Seoul, too.

“I have to go,” Baekhyun speaks up. He takes his keys from his pocket and places it on the nearest table. “I... I’m moving out. You can stay here or you can...” He shrugs.

“Baekhyun, please don’t do this,” Jongin practically begs, the frown on his face marring his handsome features. “If this is about what happened in Italy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--”

“Stop apologizing,” Baekhyun snaps at him. “This isn’t just about that.”

“Then what is it about?” Jongin asks. “Tell me so I can fix it.”

“This isn’t simple,” Baekhyun tells him irately. “It’s not easy.”

“Nothing is so hard that it can’t be--”

“I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!” Baekhyun screams out. “I’m not sure how or when it began, but I think I always have been and it’s come to a point where I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. You’ve never noticed it; you’ve never seen me that way.” His voice wavers as his emotions overtake him. “And what happened in Italy just made things worse. I can’t,” he chokes on his sobs. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s just too much.” He wraps his arms around himself and tears start streaming down his face.

Suddenly, Jongin is right in front of him, centimeters away, thumbing Baekhyun’s tears. Baekhyun just wants to shrink far from his touch because he’s just reminded of that intimate night they’d spent together and how Jongin handled him with such care. He pushes him away.

“Baek,” Jongin starts.

“Don’t,” Baekhyun warns him. “Just...don’t.” He wipes his tears away by himself.

“I...I was a coward,” Jongin whispers. Baekhyun looks at him, surprised at this. “I should have done something, but I never... I didn’t think you’d ever feel that way because we’re so close, we grew up together and just the thought of losing that scares me. So I didn’t do anything about it and I’m just sorry. I’m sorry for then and I’m sorry for now.” He runs a hand through his hair and breathes deeply.

Baekhyun allows his tears to burst out of him. He buries his face in his hands, shoulders shaking as his sobs echo in the room. Jongin pulls him into his arms and buries his face in his hair, whispering apologies that shot straight to Baekhyun’s heart, apologies that only seem to do more harm than good because they’re worthless.

As he cries into his best friend’s arms, he can’t help but think about how he will miss this, him. Jongin has been such an integral part of his life, that just the thought of leaving him and putting a pause to their friendship, shakes the very core of his being. He isn’t sure he even knows how it is to live without Jongin by his side. And maybe that’s the problem. They’d been too attached that he’s sort of always expected for things to take a turn romantically. Maybe Jongin had, too, but their hearts had never crossed in this matter, and it makes Baekhyun wonder whether this realization is a sign that he should start living life without expecting Jongin to always be there. He believes Jongin will benefit from this, too, because he can’t do everything for him, and he shouldn’t.

Baekhyun pulls away from Jongin, his best friend of almost two decades, the person he’s shared everything in his life with, and steps back.

He continues to cry as he walks away, but he knows it’s about time he starts focusing on something other than Jongin.



-

-

-



There’s a spring in his step as he takes sight of the establishment before him. He looks through the invitation in his hands and chuckles as he reads through it for the nth time. He steps into the restaurant and smiles as one of the servers takes his coat for him.

“Baekhyun!” Chanyeol almost bludgeons into him as he’s wrapped in a tight hugged. “You’re here.”

“Of course I’m here, you idiot,” Baekhyun says, rolling his eyes at him. “You wouldn’t have let me live it down if I didn’t go to your engagement party.”

“Well what do you expect?” Chanyeol lightly shoves him. “You’ve been away for a year. I practically didn’t know how to reach you. He hugs Baekhyun again. “How have you been? You look good.”

Baekhyun smiles because he feels good. He had left Seoul altogether and decided to pursue some architectural studies in Japan. It was refreshing, being by himself. It was like learning to see things again.

“So where is this poor human being who’s been forced to marry you?” Baekhyun glances around the room in search of the said person. Chanyeol shoves him again and as he does so someone familiar walks in.

He’s still exactly as Baekhyun’s always pictured him; tall, beautifully tanned, chiseled facial features, with a perfect smile. And yet, as he approaches Baekhyun, such smile on his face, Baekhyun can immediately tell that this isn’t the same man from a year ago.

“Hello Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun can’t help but beam at him. “Hi Jongin.”

Baekhyun’s always known that their paths would intersect once more, has always believed that their lives are so intertwined that it’s impossible that they not see each other again. And, after seeing so many other things, going through new experiences by himself for the past year, he feels he’s ready to come back to looking at Jongin again. He knows that this time around it’ll be different. Because, while there is Jongin, there is also himself and the world.

This time he thinks that maybe, just maybe, their hearts are in the right place and that they’re both ready to jump. Together.




November 10, 2012
December 27, 2013, 3am