1/1

Light reflects from your shadow

It is more than I thought could exist

You move through the room

Like breathing was easy

If someone believed me

I’m watching Junhong dance again and I feel my breath being caught in my throat. His moves are perfect and he twists his body in the most perfect way humanly possible. I can see his eyes are half shut and I know he isn’t in this room with us; he’s dancing for himself, in his head in a different place. He once told me he liked to imagine being on a different planet or in his bedroom back in Mokpo, or even with me in some remote place where no one knew who we were and could do anything the two of us wanted to.

I was once asked by Himchan to tell him what I see in Junhong while he dances but he didn’t understand how beautiful he actually was while dancing. I told him Junhong moves were as sharp or as soft as the music was and how perfectly he moved to the beat. Even Jongup tried once but Himchan just looked over at us like we were crazy and left.

They would be

As in love with you as I am

They would be

As in love with you as I am

They would be

In love, love, love

There was even that one time I tried to explain to my brother what I see in Junhong. It was just after I told my parents I’m gay and dating. They didn’t have much to say as they very well knew I wouldn’t listen but Yongnam, my twin, was really puzzled by it.

“How come you are dating him?” he asked, face scrunched up in confusion.

“I don’t really know, but I just get this feeling while I’m around him and it makes me feel good. It makes me feel wanted and I really love that feeling.” I tried to explain but I was never good with words so it didn’t really change the look on my brother’s face.

“Yeah, but girls have,” he stopped and looked around if my mother was around, “s. How can you replace that? s are awesome, man. Like really, really awesome.” he smiled.

I laughed at him, “You do have a thing for s don’t you?”

He proudly nods and leaves.

And everyday

I am learning about you

The things that no one else sees

And the end comes too soon

Like dreaming of angels

And leaving without them

And leaving without them

Dancing to Junhong was something he did out of pure love. He was never forced to do it, I believe even if someone told him he has to and can’t say no, he would do it with love and wouldn’t stop until his feet were sore and he could barely stand.

He really loved to dance and I found it out while we were still trainers. He was 13, a small boy always locked in the practise room. One of the choreographers told me he only left for lunch break and when his parent came to pick him up.

The first time I actually saw him dance was merely by accident. I was looking for a producer and couldn’t find him anywhere, as he was a close friend with the choreographer so I looked in the practise room. Before opening the doors I could feel the bass shaking the ground and peeked through the doors. Junhong was there, dancing his heart out. His small body moved through the air swiftly and his arms did such complex movements I was not even able to follow them. He was turned away from me and his eyes were focused on his reflection so he didn’t notice when I walked in and leaned on the wall, watching his every move.

About five minutes later he fell down, scratching his palm and holding his knee against his chest. I hurried towards him. He was shocked to see me but gave me his palm to look at it.

"Is it painful?" I ask and he shakes his head in a playful manner. 

“It doesn’t hurt, I’m used to it by now.” his voice was so childish, laced with innocence and pureness.

“You are Bang Yongguk?” he asked when I released his hand.

‘Yes.’ I said and his face lit up, “I heard you rap, you’re really good, hyung-nim.”

I smiled at him and helped him up. He winced when putting pressure on his knee. I reached out for him, helping him to walk to the nearby sofa. He kept saying he can do it himself but after I told him it will get worse and he won’t be able to dance he was quickly silenced and allowed me to, almost carry him to the nearby object.

“How much does it hurt you?” I asked settling myself between his knees pulling his sweatpants up to his thigh, revealing the bruised knee. His cheeks are now rosy pink and I smile at him touching the knee from all the sides possible. After pressing at the skin just beneath his knee cap, he jerks his leg up, almost hitting my face.

“I’m sorry hyung-nim.” he hurriedly says and moves away from me.

I laugh this time patting his head, “Don’t worry kid, it’s just a reflex. You should get that checked.”

He looks up and nods, smile spreading over his lips. I’m about to leave as he speaks up, “My name is Junhong by the way.”

~

His love for dancing was one of the things I learned about the younger boy while we were still mere strangers. The other was his passion for rapping. The words would slip his mouth at the amazing speed, lyrics of some of Outsider’s songs constantly on his tongue.

It was really funny to watch him struggle with the parts faster than his actual rap speed. He would frown and pout, leave to the corner of the room and practise the speed. He would look over at the people in the room; predict how long it’ll take for the teacher to get his attention back on him. He rapped in the silent whisper, hands never at peace, constantly flying around him, but never hitting any of the other’s trainees in the room. When his turn would get he would do it as fast as he could, sometimes he even got the right speed. When he did his face would lit up and a smile would cover his face. Eyes would turn into two half-moons and lips would uncover the baby teeth. He never forgot to bow to the teacher and say 'thank you' before returning in his corner.

I never talked to him while the practise was held, I usually just creped in the other corner. Sometimes it felt like he didn’t notice me but when I was asked to come to the front and rap in front of the class his eyes would glue to my lips and he would stay in some kind of a trance for the whole song. After the song would end he would smile a little and look down. I found it cute.

~

Some of the things I found out about Junhong were when we moved in together, just before the Never give up promotions started. He was 15 now and we were spending more time together.

He was the first one to choose the bed. He chose the top bunk, even though there was the other bottom one free, just next to mine.

‘I never slept on bunk beds, my brother and I had each own room so I don’t know what it is like.’ he said when I asked.

I also learned he loved drinking milk in the morning, which explained the fact he was already my height, he also loved cushions on the sofa and he would always have one over his lap while watching TV. The action was intimidating and I would always fight the urge to lay my head on it. I would fight it off as I knew Junhong would fell asleep first and I would have to carry him to bed.

He was quite light for his height and I had almost no trouble getting him to bed. Every time I would pick him up he would make some sort of whining puppy noises, sometimes even saying hyung in his sleep.

There were also things he did without even noticing and they affected me. Like when we would sit very close he would let his hand fall in the gap between our legs, tightly pressed against my thigh, and how he would his lips before rapping, or in the morning just after he woke up.

He would be the cutest in the morning, his hair messy and his eyes closed, lips parted and dry, tongue poking out to wet them. He would always sit next to me and pull my hand away, resting his head on it. Those were the things that I adored and craved for each and every day since the rest of B.A.P members moved in.

Once they were in, Junhong was no longer falling asleep on the sofa; he was no longer sitting close to me, no longer sleeping on my hand in the mornings. It all got away since the rest of the members moved in. But I didn’t care because Junhong was happy and he smiled. Something I loved to do was being a creep and watch him smile and dance.

Being

As in love with you as I am

Being

As in love with you as I am

Being

As in love, love, love

It wasn’t until Power promotions that I finally decided to confess to Junhong. It was horrible to say the least. I was mad at him because he wouldn’t get up from his bed and came to his room to scold him. Youngjae was getting dressed in the room and Junhong laid in his bed, face away from me.

“Junhong, get up.” I said from the doors hoping he would do it this time, after Daehyun failed to get him out of the bed.

‘No.’ came the silent response from the manake and I saw Youngjae look over at him in disbelief. If there was something that Junhong never, ever did that was defying my words.

“Junhong, I’m not going to repeat this, get up. We’ve got schedule.” I said and walked over to his bed, ready to pull him off the bed if needed.

In the corner of my eye I saw Youngjae leave the room and close the doors behind. In the meantime Junhong still haven’t turned around and I was standing just next to his bed. Getting a grip on his cover I pulled it off as fast as I could and pulled Junhong, by his hand down form the bed. Junhong fell down, landing just on top of me. It wouldn’t be as awkward if there wasn’t a hard on poking my hip, but for some reason there was and as soon as a blush found its way on my face Junhong jumped off and took the comforter from the floor wrapping it around his lower torso. I couldn’t help but blush and notice that the manake was sleeping shirtless. His milky skin exposed just for me to see. I knew I shouldn’t but I let my eyes trail each inch of his body, feeling the pants around my crotch are tighten.

Junhong did the same as me, just his eyes moved between two points on my body, my face and the growing bulge in my pants. His cheeks were tinted red and his tongue darted out to wet his dry lips, just at the moment I looked at his lips. That was the moment I decided to either get him or lose him.

Reaching for his hand I pulled him up and pinned him on the wall near us. He looked at me, shock written all over his face but never protested. Pressing my forehead against his I feel his against my hip bone and it’s all I need to attack his mouth. Teeth and tongue is all that the kiss consisted of but I couldn’t mind less. There was Junhong’s body pressed against mine, tugging at the shirt, and pulling it off, the heat from our bodies equal to the one in thermonuclear weapons. He allowed his hand to trace the outline of my torso and I could soon feel his fingers on my belt, quickly undoing it and pushing the, already to big pants, down. He smiled when he noticed I wore his underwear, that was (not)  an accident that happened quite often because we had the same pair.

“Hyung,” he moans in my ear, finger tracing the outline of my member trough the fabric of my underwear, “what if someone walks in?”

Really, that was the thing he thought about? I could barely wrap my mind around one thing and he was there thinking someone might find us, “I don’t care. It’ll be free for them.” he laughed and I bit his neck, “I just want you, now.”

He laughed again and muttered something in the lines of demanding, before completely letting himself in my hands and wrapping his around my and neck.

~

None of the members caught us; thankfully the fight between Jongup and Daehyun on who gets the last portion of chocolate cereal was louder so no one heard the muffed moans coming from the room.

When we reached the studio in which we were supposed to perform today I pulled Junhong on the side before walking on the stage.

“About this morning,” I start and he looks away, “there’s something I need to tell you and I can’t continue like this if I don’t.”

His eyes were now back on me, staring and anticipating for me to continue.

“I really like you Junhong and I’m not saying that in the hyung-dongsaeng way. I’m saying this as a man to a man he’s ually interested in.”

He needed a minute to proceeded the words before looking around and leaning in, placing a soft kiss over my lips. “Then you’re lucky I’m a ually frustrated teenager, hyung.”

He left after that, well not before smacking my , quite hard actually,  and smirking at me.

And with words unspoken

A silent devotion

I know you know what I mean

And the end is unknown

But I think I’m ready

As long as you’re with me

“Hyung.” Junhong says and makes his way over the dance floor, stretching his arm for me to grab it, “Let’s dance.”

I could never say no to that. There were actually two things why or maybe even three.

First: he would always make a cute face while asking and I had a sweet liking for it.

Second: he would always slow danced with me. Waltz was his favourite. His legs would get the steps perfectly and I would have trouble. I would always mess but he just laughed at me and pressed our bodies closer so he could guide my legs better. His legs would be everywhere and I sometimes wondered how he did it but I never asked because the same moment I opened my mouth to ask his lips were on mine and all I could do was lean in the kiss.

That was the third reason I loved dancing with Junhong, it would end up as a make out session, only sometimes leading to , but I loved it never less.

Junhong was quite dominating, not that I minded. He was heavier and much more determined, and also knew just the right ways to get me compelled under his touch. He would press at the certain spot on the back of my neck and run his tongue across the inside of my cheek.

His tongue was something I completely adored and could never get enough of. The way he knew how to swirl it around mine and how he knew when to replace it with teeth was amazing. And I admired to him for that. No one ever before him was able to make me feel so much from just a simple touch and I completely adored that.

Falling into Junhong’s spell was something I don’t regret and if there was the ability to go back and change something I would politely refuse it, by all means.

Being

As in love with you as I am

Being

As in love with you as I am

Being

As in love, love, love

Love, the word that bothered Junhong and made him think most of the time. He never got around to say he loves me, not cause he doesn’t feel it towards me, he just couldn’t know for sure if the feelings he had for me was love.

“What if there’s no love actually?” he once asked, “If the feeling we call love is just something that was created to wash our brains and made us think we ‘love’ each other just to repopulate the Earth?”

I laughed. We were on the roof top of our dorm building and Junhong was lying on my chest, face towards the sky.

“What are you thinking about to get to those conclusions?” I say his hair.

He laughs and turns facing me, “Don’t worry hyung. I’ve just watched too much science-fiction movies, so my brain makes up the most ridiculous scenarios.”

For some reason he loved the brain messing movies. I personally didn’t like them and would always make an excuse for not watching movies with him. He didn’t mind it and I could see he hated when someone would disturb him while watching something he thought is important.

“Junhong?” he looks up, “You know I love you right?” I ask and his brows furrow.

“Of course I do hyung. Why do you ask?”

“Just checking.”

He laughs and leans in capturing my lips. “I love you too then. If love is this, then I do,” he stops for a second and then continues, “but if I find out it’s just something implanted then you have some serious business to deal with.”

We both laugh at his words and he kisses me again saying “Forever and ever, till the end of time and space, I’ll be yours, Bang Yongguk.”