"We met for a reason. I'm still here, for a reason."

I am alone.

The darkness is almost unbearable. I feel as though I am levitating in midair, floating helplessly into nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I am alone. I am helpless.

I am able to look around me, but I am not able to feel. Somehow I am able to see everything but myself— if I’m able to see anything at all. The darkness convinces me that I’ve gone blind.

I am alone, helpless, and blind. I am pathetic.

This thought angers me but I’m not sure how; I’m not even sure how I know I’m angry. I can’t feel a thing, nevertheless see myself. There is a terrifying silence that continues to eat at my conscience and I begin to question if I’m still sane.

Am I even still alive?

Suddenly, I catch a faint flicker of light beside me. Somehow I turn my head and look to the direction of the foreign life. The light is gone, but I continue to stare into space longingly, praying it comes back to life.

It is a distant orange light. It flickers a few more times, until it finally settles into view. The newfound image seems distant, even though it is right in front of me. It’s an image of something unclear, but I do not mind. Anything would be better than this overwhelming darkness, and this piece of something is better than nothing.

I watch it curiously, waiting for it to come into focus. I feel like I am staring at the image for too long, or too hard, and I need to look away. But I am afraid that if I do, it will disappear, and I will be alone again.

I don’t do anything, but somehow, it disappears. I am devastated.

I want to know what I did wrong. Did I blink? Did I look away by accident? Was it ever there at all?

Suddenly I hear something. Another wave of relief washes over me as I realize that there is something more than just this darkness and silence. There is something more, and I can get out of this place.

xxx

“Seunghyun!”

“Hyung, please wake up!”

“Seunghyun, we need you!”

Who is Seunghyun? Why do they need him?

What happened to the orange light? What was it?

There is another light that I see and it’s just as distant. I begin to see more of it and soon I am aware that I am blinking. I discover this ability as though it were a temporary privilege, and I blink as many times as I can, fearing it would disappear just as quickly as that orange light.

“Go get the doctor, he’s waking up!”

Behind the voices, I can hear other noise. I hear the beeps of machines, the squeak of chairs, and feet as they shuffle away into another unknown place. I wish things would stop leaving me, I think sadly to myself.

I blink just enough times to see a clearer view of what is in front of me. I am convinced that I am allowed a break, and somehow I am sure the ability won’t disappear.

I see shadows; many of them. I see bright lights shining from above and selfishly I wish for them to go away.

I hear another noise that is foreign, but then realize that it is coming from me. I am groaning.

All at once, I begin to feel. My eyes sting from the light and I remember to blink. I am aware of my body and realize that I am on my back. I move my gaze down to myself and see that I seem almost lifeless. My arms are at my side, each wrapped tight with a cloth that is itchy to the touch. I get a glimpse of my pale skin underneath the rough cloth and see patches of dark colors; at the same time that I am aware of this, new pain spreads up my fingertips to my arms.

My legs are hidden underneath a solemn white blanket, but I am still unable to feel them. I am distracted from worry, as more pain shoots up my back. I moan.

I feel a throb in my head and I yelp in pain. The shadows come closer, the voices softer.

“Hyung, are you okay?”

“Thank goodness, he’s alright...”

I make an effort of moving away, but sinking into the cushions underneath me is the most I can do of avoiding these strangers. Why are they calling me hyung? Why are they calling me Seunghyun? Who is he? Why are they so worried? Am I Seunghyun?

The realization that I do not know who I am strikes me hard and my head throbs again.

“Aish!” I moan through my grit teeth. My jaw clenches and my body stiffens, although I still cannot feel my legs. I close my eyes. This is too much.

“He’s awake! He started moving and now he’s conscious again!” says a voice excitedly. The voice that left earlier has returned. The shuffle of an extra set of footsteps tells me that that person has arrived with someone else.

I still do not open my eyes. I don’t want to. I don’t want to face all these other things I do not understand.

xxx

“Get better, T.O.P.,” I read under my breath, as I traced the handwritten words with my eyes on the orange card forced into my hands. I gazed at them for a long while, hoping that maybe I would get something more— more than just a question to add onto the collection of others:

Who is T.O.P.?

I purse my lips, disappointed. I close the orange cardstock and quietly put it next to the others that had piled up at my bedside. I breathe in, and another card is placed into my hands.

“This one is from Dae,” says the boy with a bright smile, as he inches closer to me on my left. He seems to be the most anxious, out of the other 3 sitting in a row against the far wall beside us. They are quiet and smiling, while this one beside me is practically jumping from his seat.

I move my head slightly away from his – not even giving him a glance – as much as I can before it hurts too much to do anything else.

“Dae put a lot of effort into his, I think,” the boy says with a laugh, and I follow his gaze to one of the boys sitting quietly with the others. His blonde-orange hair shakes with him, as he gives us both a cheesy smile and an excited wave. He gently moves a piece of hair away from his small eyes. This one is very happy, too, it seems.

I look back down to the periwinkle-blue card in my hands and open it gently. I am in no rush to unfold another token of sincerity I do not understand – another world I cannot remember.

“When you wake up, you better treat us all to an amusement park! Lately, everyone’s been a bit gloomy, but I haven’t lost hope, hyung! (Fighting!) I know you’ll wake up soon, and when you do, please wake us up, too! We’re all a bit tired. But not because of you! Of course not. We just...” The handwritten letter kept going, the penmanship becoming sloppier as it progressed. All of these words seemed to be sincere, but they meant nothing to me. They were just nice words from a stranger. A mock from the world I had been kicked out of.

The boy beside me snickers and I close the card abruptly, pretending I had read the whole thing. He falls silent, but that doesn’t stop him from handing me something else.

“That one’s from me, hyung,” he says almost shyly. “I...I sort of went overboard and wrote you a letter, instead.”

The boys against the wall start whispering to one another and I reach out for the letter, my hands shaky and pale against his lightly tan skin. His skin wasn’t much darker than mine, but it was a color more human than mine.

Our hands brush against each other and a warm sensation shoots up my arms. I scowl and steal away the letter, wanting to get it over with. As soon as my hands held the envelope, the room began to empty, until it was only the boy and I.

Why did they leave? As if things weren’t already awkward?

I turn the envelope over to its front and trace my fingers over the delicate writing, seeing what I was guessing my nickname, written so neatly.

“To my Hyunnie,” it read. “From Jiyong-ah.”

I turned it over and ripped through the seal, ignoring what seemed like a grimace from the corner of my eye. I tried my best to ignore him, as I prepared myself for what I anticipated to be a letter full of nonsense I wouldn’t be able to understand.

xxx

“Well, hyung...What do you think?” he asks me shyly as he fidgets with his fingers. I switch my gaze to him and for once, he is not looking at me. I glance between the letter in my hands and the nervous wreck beside me. I don’t know what to make of any of this, and instead I fold the letter back up.

“It was nice,” I say expressionless as I slide it back into its envelope.

“Didn’t you like it?” he says, his pride reappearing in his expression. He sits up, staring at me hard. I had looked away and I kept my gaze down at the letter. I hand it back to him. This seems to hurt his pride.

“Hyung, why won’t you answer me? Why do you seem so out of it?” he demands. “You didn’t even finish reading the cards. We all put our hearts into it, and all you can do is put them away like nothing? I...I wrote that letter the night you fell into a coma; I couldn’t sleep! I couldn’t bear the thought of you...” his voice trails away.

I place his letter on top of the cards next to me and sigh, leaning my head back against the cold headboard.

“Don’t you love us anymore?” he asks quietly. “Don’t you love me anymore?”I don’t answer. More questions.

“Are we nothing to you?”

I scowl and push all the wasted paper away from my side. I roar, not because of the pain that shoots up my body, but because of the gap that separates me from these pieces of my past – my loved ones, my true feelings.

Feelings I cannot find, no matter how hard I try.

“Seunghyun, what happened to you?”

I turn and give Jiyong a cold, hard stare. My lips quiver as my voice breaks, “I...I don’t know.”