My heart pounded like the beat of a drum. My eyes were wide open as I saw her splayed across the floor at my feet, drenched in dark red blood. She was barely alive, gasping for her last breaths of air. She slowly turned her head towards me, tears of mixed feelings streaming down her face. As she stared at me through her glassy eyes, she uttered her last words: “I forgive you.”

Everything shattered. “I didn’t mean to!” I yelled at her corpse. I thought I was right. I thought she was the problem of my life. But her actions only meant for the best. I thought I could be free if she died. “Don’t leave me now… mother…” But as I grasped the handle of my weapon, staring at the last person I had left, I began to laugh; a wicked, evil laugh that came not from amusement or happiness, but from the monster.

All my regrets, negative thoughts and sadness that crept into my soul turned into the monster; the ugly, wretched creature that lived in my heart, ruining my life and everything important to me. It was my true self. As each day passed, I learnt that if I could hide myself behind something, then people didn’t have to see the monster.  When I asked the kind, old man down the road for something to hide my true self, he answered: “Hide behind a mask. With a mask, you can be anyone and anything you want to be.”

I began to live each day of my life behind the same plain, black mask. Not long after my mother died, I moved out of the house, because all the memories of her tearful face and her forgiveness was too much for me to bear. I packed my bag and emptied my mother’s and my own savings from the bank. I was going to travel far, away to another town, to another country maybe; I was going to rebuild my life and forget about the painful past.  

For about a year I travelled across my country. Every time I encountered a new town, I would stay there for a few weeks before setting off again to another. For every town I’ve been to, there was always been at least someone, even a child, who would question my mask. “Why are you wearing a mask? Is there something on your face? Are you a magician? Are you a spy? Are you stupid?” Locals who walked the streets of the town to buy their groceries would openly point at me as they quickly huddled together, just in case I would attack them.

But, after another year of taunts and suffering, I came to that town. The town that didn’t get fooled by my black mask; not even a small child. When I asked the man behind the counter for a room to stay in at his hotel, he replied: “Take off your mask, traveller. Everyone here knows what’s behind a mask. Don’t worry about it while you’re staying here.” He smiled at me like the mask was simply a fashion accessory, as he handed over my room keys.

I slowly pushed my bag into the cupboard which was in the room, before sprawling across the soft bed, savouring the moment of absolute silence without the feeling that my whole body was going to just melt away. I closed my eyes, remembering the words the man had told me before: “Everyone here knows what’s behind a mask. Don’t worry about it while you’re staying here.’

What did he mean? Did everyone know I was hiding a monster? Could they control the monster that was living inside me? Or were they empty words; a mere guess to puzzle my mind and trick me? Whatever it was, I found myself curious to pull of the mask. What would happen if I unleashed the monster again after two years?

One of my hands gripped the edge of the mask, trembling. My other hand slowly reached to the back of my head, holding onto the ribbons that tied it back. I paused for a moment. If they already knew, then I had to keep the mask on to hold back the monster and not trouble them by making them save me. They were the first town to not stir up rumours and point at me. I let go of the mask. I had to keep wearing it.

After a short nap, I walked out of the hotel to go shopping for food. I had little money left from my mother and myself but I guessed I could pull through for at least another few months. As I passed the hotel man, he smiled at me again, tapping the side of his face where an imaginary mask was. I grinned back but tried my best to hurry out of the door.

I didn’t really know where the market was and I didn’t want to ask for help either. So for about an hour, I navigated myself through the twisted roads of the town, hoping some form of food shop would appear at my every turn. At last, as I arrived to the fruit shop, I immediately began picking up oranges, apples and different assortments of berries. I didn’t have enough time to ask for a kitchen to cook up proper meals so I usually ate fruit or instant foods.

After finishing up, I brought the bags of fruit over to the counter where the lady stood, waiting for customers. She carefully weighed each bag of fruit and slowly put them into another plastic bag as if she were afraid they would get bruised. “It’s okay,” I told her as she slowly put in the apples. “You don’t have to be so careful with the fruit.” She looked up at me with fearful eyes before replying: “You will not get angry at me?”

For a split second I was confused at why she would actually perceive me as something to be feared. But then, I remembered my mask. I quickly brushed off my anger as I replied: “Of course not.” She began putting them in the bag more at ease but her body language still showed her fear. When she finished, she handed the full bag to me. I thanked her and was about to turn around to leave before she grabbed my arm. “Take off the mask,” she whispered. “We know what’s behind the mask. People may act like they don’t know anything but in truth, we are all scared. Take off the mask and ask someone to help you get rid of that. We’d much rather see that you’re being helped than you walking around with a monster inside that could break free of that mask at any time. ”

Monster. She uttered that word with such contempt it sent a tiny wave of shivers up my spine. “Take it off now,” she growled, her nervous aura immediately disappearing. “Control it by yourself for about an hour. It takes an hour’s walk from here to get to that teacher’s house. Unmask yourself so the people won’t be afraid of you. Now.”

Just as I did in the hotel, I slowly reached for the ribbons that bound the mask to my head and pulled. Before I knew it, the plain, black mask dropped into the ground at my feet. A full, refreshing feeling gushed onto my face. It felt like all the stress that built up, was released by pulling the strings of my mind. This was my true self, unleashed from the mask for the world two see after two years of hiding. This was my monster.

“Feeling better?” the lady asked, picking up my mask. “Now here’s a map that I coincidently had in my pocket. Here’s where the teacher lives. You can keep the map so you don’t get lost.” I took the map off her and thanked her again before hurrying off to the ‘teacher’ with the bags of fruit dangling off my arm.

I thought it would be easy to get there if I just followed the map, but I was utterly mistaken. The long, winding paths of the town twisted around roads and even split into about six separate branches sometimes. Before I knew it, I was lost in the middle of a deserted street. I blindingly turned randomly, hoping to find someone in town.

After half an hour of careless wandering, I heard a yells and screaming nearby. Excited, I began running towards to source of the noise, only to meet a large group of locals yelping in fear, gathering around something. As I began to push my way to the front, I heard a man bellowing from somewhere ahead: “That’s what you get for stealing my products! I don’t even care if you don’t get any help and simply rot to the bone. The thing I probably will care the most about is the smell you’ll give off as you decay! It would ward off my customers!”

I gasped in horror as I finally stood at the front; a brutally injured body of a woman lay there, barely alive. Even though she was drenched in blood, she still lifted up her arm to her son who kneeled beside her crying, whispering: “I’m alright. Don’t worry. I’m still here for you. Don’t cry.” I continued to stare at her, my mouth wide open. Memories of two years ago flashed across my mind like a broken movie.

I didn’t intend for it to happen. I didn’t want it to happen at all. My mouth closed. But when it opened again, it let out a wicked, evil laugh that came not from amusement or happiness, but from the monster. Everyone around me stared in fear and disgust. Why would someone be laughing at someone else’s death?

My mouth widely laughed but my heart continued to beat in fear. Was this really my true self? How could I be such a devil? To be humoured by other people’s terrible misfortunes? This wasn’t who I wanted to be. I didn’t want another incident like this to happen again. My heart beat so fast it hurt. I tried to taking steady deep breaths between my never-ending laughter but I couldn’t calm myself; I couldn’t calm the monster.

Slowly, it began to take over. I stopped laughing, but I started to tremble in fear of myself. The town’s locals yells of disgust faded, but I could hear laughing in my mind. I could no longer see, but I started to visualise the same blood drenched corpse of my mother. Her eyes were closed. I walked closer leaning right into her face with no sense of fear. Suddenly, her eyes snapped open. “I will never forgive you!” she screamed.

All fear came back to me in my blind world. I began to scream, a terrifying high-pitched scream that came from the depths of my heart. I felt like I was screaming my life out; screaming for the monster to go away. I fell to the ground of my mind; I was trapped by my own sadness. The negative thoughts I had dwelled upon was twisted into the monster that made its way into my heart, and without hesitation, it pierced me with its malicious fangs.

I felt no pain. I couldn’t see anymore, I couldn’t hear anymore, and I never escaped from the pitch black darkness of the trap. I doubted myself, I dwelt onto the past. I was afraid of the monster, afraid of myself. The whole time I became someone else, I could have simply let the monster be and overcome its selfishness and desire. When I think about it, I was such a monster for thinking I could just wear a mask and forget about everything.