-YONGHWA-

There was something about the way the clock seemed to endlessly tick and resonate while on the living room, perhaps a sound amplified only by the inevitable sense of guilt and probably dread that I was feeling. The fact of not having been able to even make the manager stop out of the consequences it could have to reach out in her help was something that kept echoing in the back of my mind—and the lack of any news seemed to only mortify me furthermore.

My mind was currently focused solely on the problem I had caused out of wanting them to patch things up and there was an immediate contradictory feeling that perhaps I had caused something that shouldn’t have happened. All especially reflected in Minhyuk’s concern, in the fact that I had put the most important person to him in danger.

I paced around the living room, wondering if it was even correct for me to call him but at the same time aware of the fact that they must be together and it would be too much meddling if somehow my presence was imposed. It must have been palpable, the worry that I showed in my stride that went back and forth—the concern about Minhyuk, about her and the lingering feeling that there was some form of backstabbing going throughout all this.

It slipped my lips almost automatically moment another hour had passed and the city was illuminated by the city lamps, “Minhyuk still hasn’t come back” anyone would think that I said to no one in particular—but it was a call for someone to stop the speed my erratic mind was at and somehow offer me a sense of calm that I had intended to provide instead. To the calm that I tried to provide to Minhyuk.

And the only one to hear that call for help so that the uneasiness could leave was Jungshin, emerging from the hall and with a game controller in his hands. It made me worry whether I had been too loud in what I had said, or if I was so restless and anxiety had made itself evident that it was emanating throughout all the place and filtering through the walls as a silent message to ask for someone, anyone, to come tell me I didn’t do the wrong thing earlier in the day—It was just me wishing for my friend’s happiness, why is it wrong? But you are betraying your other brother, is that wrong also?

Jungshin stood there, without fully setting foot on the living room but just on the edge of the hallway—like a spectator that wanted to know more but didn’t want to cross an imaginary line that it wasn’t supposed to be crossed. One that I had just because I had seen the pain in my friend’s eyes and the sight was too much to handle—yet love hurts, and somehow even while singing about broken hearts and loves that fade, feelings that glimmer and then extinguish, I couldn’t just stay still seeing Minhyuk going through that. I must have looked filled with guilt, but Jungshin only raised an eyebrow, with curiosity evident painted on him, with questions waiting to be answered for he had noticed there was something going on—catching on wouldn’t be that difficult when there had been far too many shifts in mood, in the pattern that we were used to. But he didn’t press too much, at the moment, he didn’t, only thing falling from his lips a simple “Hyung?” that had me swallowing hard, as if I was a culprit of something and I had been pushed against the wall to confess solely by that small word being uttered.

I immediately averted my gaze, escaping from the feeling of being scrutinized that washed over me at the moment. It gave off the impression that I was pushing the inquiry aside but I walked towards the window as a response, a hum was the only sound that came from me—not an affirmation or an answer to the presented question. But Jungshin wasn’t going to budge, and it showed in the way he approached me, the weight of his hand and his question being pressed on my shoulder—yet the moment he spoke I could tell that he wasn’t holding any kind of judgmental stance and there was no unspoken trial that I had been taken to, nothing that I was being forced to plead guilty to. He spoke, with genuine concern showing in his words at the oddity of my behavior, “What has you so worried? You have been gazing towards the window every now and then”

I raised my walls immediately, what was I to say? Yes, something is wrong, I put Minhyuk’s best friend in danger while trying to get them to patch up and talk their misunderstandings out? All while Jonghyun is away and having seen his drama like an hour ago had guilt carving itself more than it should? Those words weren’t the ones that I could say in order to explain what I had done—as if exposing someone you know to antis attack wasn’t bad enough here I was, favoring one of my friends and teammates. So I countered, with my defenses high, trying to shift the focus of the conversation on trivial things, an attempt for useless bickering that would go nowhere but that would be of great help to me, “And you have been gazing at the TV screen all night-not allowing me to keep composing”

“That’s a whole other thing” Jungshin retaliated, rolling his eyes and dropping to the couch, legs crossed and now over the small coffee table despite my complaint for him to ‘sit properly and get your long legs off of the table’ . But he had a point, the way I had replied to him did make my statement sound more like I was dismissing his concern, trying to deflect his original try at getting to find out what was wrong with me. But if I spoke, where would Jungshin’s sense of right and wrong be at? Would it be at the fact that I had been trying to get Minhyuk and his best friend to get together, make up and possibly disentangle that yarn of misunderstandings that they had got themselves into? That distorted view she had developed of Minhyuk now not wanting anything to do with the person whom he had silently loved all these years? Or would Jungshin’s logic weigh more and think ‘Yes Jung Yonghwa, you are setting up Minhyuk and Jonghyun’s ex together and Jonghyun is making an effort to change his behavior towards her and try again’

But I couldn’t let him see through me even more, through my concern all the way until he found about my reckless actions that brought more bad than good today. So I walked towards the TV stand and got the remote control, handed it to Jungshin in a silent attempt to get him to do something else and not concentrate his efforts into seeking answers in my attempts to avoid, trying to trace the anomalies that I presented to find something consistent enough that could make him say ‘Ah! So that was what was wrong’. I kept at it, kept using my excuse as barrier, “It’s not a whole other thing when you are with that console on and I can’t compose”

He took the remote control when I offered it to him, studied it for some seconds and put it next to him. There was no sound being uttered by him so I thought that he had taken my reply as the complete absolute truth, that my excuse was believable and I thought my words had earned me success in that mission to evade that I had unknowingly got myself into, yet I heard him. Simple, questioning, making an odd feeling rush through me, “Huh”

“What?” I replied.

“You look guilty and concerned”

“Shut up” was my response, automatic, to the point. A wall to cover my guilt. But it was more of a giveaway of my worry, a loud statement of my culpability. And the feeling just wouldn’t vanish no matter what I attempted doing—no matter all my tries at covering up what I believed to be clear as day. My lie was going to become evident, my seemingly favoritism would be discovered.

“I wonder where Minhyuk is right now—it is strange for him not to be around already, and leave us starving here” Jungshin mentioned, leaving uncertainty in me whether he actually was feeling the repercussions of being hungry or if he had noticed something was off with Minhyuk in reality. Being holder of the answer to this question only made shame and guilt skyrocket suit and the only thing I could do was to shrug as a response—keep up with the pretense, shove the worries aside despite them not being baseless.

“We could have ordered something” I replied, a sassy tone to my words in a weak try at distracting Jungshin. One which I thought would be helpful, only until he continue speaking. And my mind kept on racing endlessly in the barrier between right and wrong, at the limit of what could be considered treason to someone and a try to help to another person.

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