I ran and ran.

I ran until my lungs gave out.

Why did I run?

I didn’t understand why. I was drenched in sweat from head to toe. People had given me strange looks as I sprinted across town but once I was weary of running, I was still just as scared as ever. I wanted to turn back and see you again but at the same time I didn’t. I couldn’t. So I walked back home.

The first thing I did when I returned home was shower. I didn’t even turn on the lights. I stumbled through my home in darkness and an ice cold shower. I stripped down to nothing and walked under the showerhead, allowing the water to shock my body into something other than fear.

I didn’t understand why I was so scared. There was nothing to be scared about. You wouldn’t hurt me, despite being entirely capable of it but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t what frightened me into shock. It wasn’t your eyes that dropped ever so slightly at the corners, even though whenever I looked at them, my heart quickened. It wasn’t your thick lips that always flashed into a bright smile whenever I was in view, even though they always made me want to my own. It wasn’t even the way your deep voice vibrated the air between us whenever you spoke, it was something else. It was something much more.

It was something more, I knew that but I didn’t know what. I had never been so confused before; life for me had been so straight forward. Everything had made sense but you, you made me lose my calm and composure.

I soaked my hair under the cold water and scrubbed in my shampoo that smelt of apples. You had told me your favourite fruit were apples and so I had changed my usual grape scent into stupid apples. I didn’t even realize when it happened, it just did. The thought of it all was frustrating as I quickly rinsed the suds off as if it. Changing my shampoo simply because you liked some fruit? Stupid.

What was wrong with me?

Every little thing I did, everything I wanted to do, everything reminded me of you.

I remember working hard to earn good grades for myself because I wanted to achieve but during some point in my life after meeting you, my priorities changed. I worked hard because I wanted to impress you. Perhaps one day you might waltz into my home and complain to me about a migraine you suffered and I would know exactly how to ale you.

Fantasies and day dreams of the future were beginning to run my life. No matter what I was doing, during any moment during the day, I would suddenly enter a trance and simply dream my day away. It was stupid and time wasting. I tried to force myself to stop but the harder I tried the more frequent my fantasies appeared and the more I thought, the more I thought about you. You were ruling my life and becoming a plague I wanted to rid so desperately.

Was that why I was so afraid? Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you? No, that wasn’t the answer. It was something else, something more.

I stood under the pounding cold water until my body began to shiver and my skin began to wrinkle. I stepped out and didn’t bother drying myself. I looked up at my mirror and caught my reflection gazing right at me. My stupid clueless expression blinked right at me and all I could hear was your stupid laughter. You always enjoyed laughing at my idiocy just as much as the next person but when it was you who laughed, I always found it best personal interest to make you look like a fool as well. No matter what the situation or the place, I always had to even out the score. Only this time I had made myself look like a complete idiot and there was no changing it.

I shook the water off from my face and slipped into a pair of boxers. There was no point getting dressed properly since I was home alone and I hadn’t planned on going anywhere anytime soon. I had put off looking at my phone that entire time. I knew you would flood me with messages and voicemails but I wasn’t ready to face them yet. But at the same time I couldn’t leave them unread any longer.

Himchan are you okay? Why did you run away like that?

I frowned at that first message. I can’t have been the only one thinking about what we had almost done. Either I was misreading everything and being a stupid fool or you were simply ignoring everything. I liked to think it was the later.

I’m sorry for what happened. Nothing happened but I’m sorry for what almost happened. Just call me when you get this okay? You’re not picking up.

Himchan where did you run off to? We really have to talk. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed you wanted to do it too. I was just lost in the moment. I was stupid. I’m sorry. Please call me back.

Actually you don’t even have to talk to me. Just message me to let me know you’re okay. I don’t know where you ran off to but I just want to make sure you’re okay. Just tell me you’re safe. That’s all.

Himchan?

I read over the messages and listened to all the voicemails left. All of them asking me the same things, asking if I was alright, telling me you were sorry. It was all so sweet and that was what made me feel panicky again. All I had done was read and listen to a couple messages from you and it was enough to send me into a fit.

No, I was determined to not speak to you that night but I couldn’t leave you hanging, unsure of my safety so I eventually messaged you back.

I’m okay. I just … I just need some time.

Time for what? I didn’t know.

Hours turned into days.

Days turned into weeks.

If I waited any longer, weeks would turn into months.

You had given me space as I requested and that was also the reason why we hadn’t contacted each other. I was so unsure on what I should do but what I learnt was that I couldn’t stop thinking about you. The most smallest insignificant thing would remind me of you. Either a memory or a thought but it centralized around you.

For breakfast I would have coffee and I would smile at myself at the memory of you drinking my version of it. I liked to have it pure black, no sugar, no milk. You had tired it and your face scrunched up like a piece of paper.

As I got dressed for my lectures I would wear my black and white scarf you loved so much or the red sneakers I had worn in our first meeting. Everything reminded me of you, there was no escape.

Even my words had become meaningless. Whenever a friend and I spoke to each other, I would somehow mention you, even though you had nothing to do with the conversation. It was like word vomit and I couldn’t stop. It not only bugged the people around me but myself as well. It wasn’t voluntary, it just happened. You began to become my problem and for some reason, I couldn’t help but think your absence made it worse.

It was near the end of summer, the weather was finally cooling.

I was walking through a park on my way to class when the violet blossoms of the Chinese bellflower caught my eye. It was a single flower, the rest not quite ready to bloom yet but the sight of one was enough to bring a flood of memories back. It was like an epiphany had finally come and struck me.

You had done so much for me and so I loved you as a friend and a brother. But at that moment as I looked down at that flower, I finally realized that it wasn’t enough.

I wanted to be more than just a friend. I wanted to be more than just brothers. I wanted more, I wanted you.

My fear of you was not the type of fear I had believed it to be. It was more of a feeling of doubt and uncertainty than terror and dread. I was uncertain of you; I was confused because I had never felt that way towards a man before. I had grown my entire life thinking I was going to love a woman but no. Fate was a strange thing. Instead it just swept me up by surprise. I had been in love the entire time but simply misread my own emotions, believing it was something else because I hadn’t been open minded enough to consider. It was stupid of me, oh so so stupid.

I didn’t skip my class that day to go see you. I went to class as the good boy I was but instead of listening about how bones grew, my mind was conjuring up different scenarios on how I should approach you. The fact that I didn’t suddenly drop my things and ran to you had destroyed the romantic scene but it didn’t matter. Life wasn’t a movie. In life things didn’t work out like the movies. In movies the main character always got what they wanted but at that moment I was still so unsure of what the future held.

Did I want to message you and tell you I wanted to finally see you?

A part of me did but then a part of me thought that perhaps you would simply ignore me. Perhaps you had grown mad at me over my absence so giving you a heads up on my visit was probably not the best idea.

When my class did finally end, I found myself walking over to your place. I had nothing in my hands. I didn’t bring flowers or chocolates or any other object that symbolized love. I didn’t even dress nicely for my surprise visit. I was wearing my daggy tank top and a pair of black skinny jeans. It was hot; I wasn’t going to turn up in a suit, not to mention it would have been weird if I had.

I knocked on your door as my heart thundered in my chest. All those symptoms of fear struck me again but I wasn’t going to run. I was determined to stay and face you like a man.

There wasn’t a reply and so I knocked again and again.

I would try again the next day, I thought to myself as I turned and began to make my way back home. But the sound of you locks being open and the rickety sound of your door swinging open made me turn around.

You looked over at me in surprise and for a moment I found myself giving you the same expression.

“Himchan –” you had uttered from your magnetising lips.

I however rushed towards you and crashed my lips into yours. If you had appeared shocked before I was certain in that moment you were completely stunned but I couldn’t tell for sure. My eyes had been shut the entire time.

In my mind I was begging for you to kiss me back. I didn’t want to look like an idiot again. I wanted my bold move to pay off or risk humiliation and worst of all, the destruction of our relationship which was already in tatters thanks to me. I clung onto you desperately as I tried to show you how much I needed you. I wasn’t sure if you understood it or not as you continued to stand as still as a statue. But that moment of stillness did not last long.

I felt your hand glide down my body and the other gripped onto my hair as you deepened my rather placid kiss.

That moment of relief when you kissed me back, I can’t simply put into words.

It was too good to be true.

It was as if everything was a dream, a dream I never wanted to end.