Yongguk dropped onto the floor from fatigue, sweat tricking down his forehead wetting his bangs in the process. His knees bent as he looked at the reflection of himself in the mirror. He looked worn out and out of shape. Everyone had finished practicing already, he was the only one left here training himself extra hard to make sure he doesn’t make a fool out of himself on stage. The countdown was getting closer and he knew that he couldn’t let himself or anyone else down. Especially Daehyun.

“You are such a hard worker Yongguk! I seriously think you are the best trainee here” Yongguk looked up to the sound of the voice and saw Himchan, one of the trainee sit down beside him. Himchan was always the friendly one. He made sure that everyone liked each other and can take care of one another.

“You are being too nice. My rapping skills and dancing is nowhere as good as the others here”

Himchan just let out a laugh, “You are seriously too humble. I think you are doing really well. The only problem is, it seems like your mind is always trapped somewhere else. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Huh? Oh no. There is really nothing wrong. I…I’m just having a hard time adjusting. I will get used to it soon. Everyone here is really nice to me.”

“Especially Jieun.” Yongguk gave Himchan a questioning face indicating he had no idea what Himchan was trying to imply. Himchan laughed again and got up, “Don’t worry about it. I will leave you alone. Have fun practicing.”

-

High School was finally over. Everything felt like it was in a blink of an eye but it had finally happened. Now everyone was off to do his or her own things. Right after the celebration the lovely couple made their way up to the hill, sitting there watching the sunset together. Their hands were locked together and at that moment Daehyun felt like the happiest person in the world. Nothing could take away this happiness that was built up inside of him.

Daehyun leaned his head on Yongguk’s chest hearing his boyfriend’s heartbeat. Thump Thump Thump. Each sounds made Daehyun smile even brighter, any normal human would have a beating heart, but Yongguk’s was slightly faster than anyone else, and the rapid pace was because of the beautiful person right beside him. “Happy forth anniversary baby” Yongguk’s deep voice spoke, “The reason my heart is beating so fast is because of you. I love you so much. You stick by my side through thick and thin. I know I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have someone like you beside me.”

Daehyun lifted his head up and kissed his boyfriend on the lips, “Happy forth anniversary also. I love you. I’m content that no matter what, we will always be by each other’s side. I look forward on spending the rest of my life with you. I cannot imagine what life would be like without you by my side.”

They shared a deep kiss with Yongguk taking full control of Daehyun’s lips. Kissing Daehyun is a feeling that is indescribable; it feels like heaven on earth.

-

“A rapper? That sounds exciting” Daehyun let out a smile while wrapping his arms around his boyfriend crushing him into a tight hug. He was happy that his boyfriend had such big dreams. The only sadness he felt was that if it was Yongguk’s dream, he couldn’t follow Yongguk. He can only be mentally there for support.

Yongguk kissed Daehyun on the forehead, “Yes, that is my dream. Watch baby, your boyfriend face will be everywhere on the media to poster in the mall.”

Daehyun laughed, “Don’t get carried away now hunnie. Will you even remember me once you become a star? Or will I just be one of those fans watching you from the television or computer screen?”

“Of course I would remember you. You could always be a star with me. We can go to auditions together. Your voice will knock everyone away.” Yongguk wasn’t kidding when he made that comment. He has heard Daehyun sing karaoke before and Daehyun’s voice was beautiful. He has always wondered why Daehyun didn’t consider singing. Daehyun was better than a lot of idols that lip-sync anyways.

Daehyun giggled as he jumped onto the couch. “No thanks. That’s not my dream. I just want to go to college and become a doctor. I’m too shy. I can never be in front of people. I can only sing in front of you because I’m comfortable around you.”

Yongguk walked over to the couch and picked Daehyun up swinging his boyfriend around, “It’s time to make both of our dreams come true then. I have to go train my rapping voice now.” Daehyun laughed as his boyfriend began rapping with the deep voice of his. He knew that his boyfriend had it in him to become a star. It was meant for Yongguk. He was just worried that he won’t be able to see Yongguk as much anymore, but absent should make the heart grow fonder right?

-

It was time for the first showcase. Yongguk felt the feeling of nervous everywhere in his body. There he was, standing in front of a lot of fans screaming his name. His name. It added a lot of pressure but he managed to swept it aside and made a powerful performance. The music was in him, and he could feel it. He sputtered the greatest rap and dance moves that left the audience screaming for joy and excitement. They even wanted an encore.

Walking backstage he came into contact with Jieun. They talk at times because of her busy schedule but she was always the one to cheer him on. In a way, she managed to give him a lot of support. “That was awesome Yongguk!” she smiled as she hugged him. Yongguk thanked her and returned the hug.

-

Daehyun was sitting on the couch reading his textbook when he heard the sound of his door opening and Yongguk rushing inside. He was suddenly picked up by his lover and kissed on the lips. “I made it baby! I got in!”

“What? Oh my god. Congratulations hunnie!” Daehyun wrapped his arms around Yongguk’s shoulder kissing him like no tomorrow.

Yongguk let out a small smirk and picked up his boyfriend bringing him to the bedroom, “Then I should get a reward right?”

Daehyun laughed and nodded. They ended up sharing a romantic time that day.

-

“Is that all? Are you forgetting anything?” Daehyun asked as Yongguk was standing by the gates of the airport ready to go to Seoul. He didn’t want his boyfriend to leave. In a way he wished his boyfriend had forgotten something so they can spend more time together.

Yongguk kissed Daehyun, “I’m forgetting you.”

Daehyun blushed as he hit Yongguk playfully on the chest, “You always know how to tease me.”

Yongguk pinched Daehyun’s cheek. He was going to miss his boyfriend, but there could be holiday breaks where he could come back so they could hangout. “Remember to do your best. Be true to yourself and don’t ever change yourself because of the media. I will always be your number 1 fan.”

“I love you baby. You are so supportive. I promise I will be back for the holidays so we can spend time together. It will be a long distant relationship but you just have to remember, I’m always with you inside your heart. I love you.”

“I love you too”

That day Daehyun had cried a lot seeing Yongguk leave. But he made sure to cry after Yongguk’s presence has left. He didn’t want to be the person holding Yongguk back. His vision became blurred as he tried to wipe away his tears using his sleeves. He was so used to always having Yongguk by his side. Now it would be hard for him to cope with it. He will try his best, just to wait for Yongguk’s return.

-

Yongguk heaved out a heavy sigh before dialing the number on his manager phone. He decided he needed to borrow it for a bit. He had to make things clear, he was sick of having his mind wander off while he was practicing. It’s been a year since he and Daehyun had last seen each other, and to be brutally honestly, he was getting used to life without Daehyun. He was always busy and packed with schedules, having no time to go back home for the holidays either, he wouldn’t be surprised if Daehyun was also tired of this relationship.

Suddenly the voice from the end made his heart beat slightly faster, “Hello?”

“Babe, it’s me”

“Yongguk? Hunnie? How are you doing? I was beginning to think you have forgotten about me. I haven’t talked to you ever since you left to Seoul. I saw your debut, you were great~”

Daehyun’s words made Yongguk feel a rush of guilt flush over him. Here he was, trying to end the relationship with Daehyun, and yet Daehyun is speaking to him like they have never separated. He thought Daehyun would be mad that he hasn’t contacted him but instead Daehyun didn’t seem angry at all. Daehyun was too nice. “I…I’m doing good. Never been better. Yeah, the performance was nerve wrecking but now I’m fine. I’m starting to enjoy the celebrity life. How are you? Are you mad that I didn’t come back for the holidays like I promised?”

Daehyun paused a bit before talking, “No I wasn’t mad. I knew you were busy, you would be more stressed out if I made a huge fight right?” Daehyun laughed a little, “I know that if you could have came back for the holidays, you would have done it.”

Yongguk wanted to kill himself for what he was going to say next. He didn’t want to hurt Daehyun any longer, especially waste Daehyun’s time waiting for him. He was tired with the relationship and the idol life, spending time doing both was too tedious. It took him around 2 weeks to decide, and his final decision was to break it off with Daehyun. It would make both sides feel like the burden has been lift off their shoulders.

“Babe, lets end this. I have no time for you and I don’t want the paparazzi to find out about us. My career will go turmoil. I hope you understand, don’t wait for me any longer.” His words came out of nowhere shocking Daehyun in the process.

“…What?” the words were hard to form, like a lump has been stuck in his throat.

“If the paparazzi finds out I have a boyfriend, I will be labeled as a homoual. I think with society nowadays I will lose fans, and I’m just starting my career. I cannot lose fans. I’m sorry baby. I hope you move on and not waste time waiting for me. Y…You can find a much better guy to take care of you.”

Yongguk didn’t hear Daehyun speak and he knew Daehyun was mad. He was waiting for Daehyun to scream at him but it never came. “So you will just leave me? I don’t want to find another guy when I have you. Yongguk, please don’t leave me. I love you so much.” Yongguk could have sworn he heard sniffs coming from the other end. Daehyun was crying, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He was the one breaking up with Daehyun.

“Please Dae, this is not going to work out. Don’t drag it on any longer. We are through.” His voice was stern and Daehyun knew Yongguk has finally made his decision. Tears fell down his eyes as he cried pathetically. The feeling hurts, it hurts so much. He felt like even if someone threw a million daggers at him, it wouldn’t hurt as bad as it does now.  

“So you’re telling me goodbye…?” he choked out a sob.

Yongguk tried to calm himself to make it seem like his decision was clear. There was no turning back. “There’s no other choice”

“I…I wish you happiness then. I still don’t want to let you go but I won’t beg for you to stay with me. I respect your decision. I…I will always be your number 1 fan.” Yongguk wasn’t surprised when he heard the dial tone indicating that Daehyun had hung up the phone. He sighed, gripping through his hair in frustration, he just let Daehyun go. He was sure that in the future he would end up marrying Daehyun, but now everything has changed. He hoped that Daehyun would still want to be his friend afterwards.

-

News spread across Internet, articles about the relationship going on between Yongguk and Jieun. Although the company and the idols denied it, fans refused to believe it. They gained many shippers and a huge fanclub. Jieun walked to Yongguk and showed him the news article. He just sighed, ever since he got famous, things like this kept happening. It was starting to get annoying.

The media couldn’t leave him alone.

“When are they going to stop with false news like that?” Yongguk utter in agitation, he was so frustrated.

Jieun sat next to him. “You sound so angry. Am I that bad as a potential girlfriend?” she laughed a bit indicating she was just joking around. But Yongguk took her seriously as he tried to defend himself.

“No of course not. I think you would make a good girlfriend. Just not with me.” He could have sworn he saw her smile faded. He never thought she would like him, but it seems like she did develop a crush on him. Now he broke two hearts, he felt like a heartbreaker.

-

It wasn’t long until the rest of the trainee around him also got famous. Their pictures were everywhere and they were practically the living soul of Korea. Himchan wrapped his arms around Yongguk’s shoulder, “Congrats buddy! Can you picture back to our trainee days? We worked our asses off. At least it paid off in the long run.”

Yongguk laughed a bit, “Yeah, those were some hard times. I haven’t been home for over 2 years.”

“You should ask to take a break. You train yourself like everyday.” Himchan suggested, “Go visit your family. Your lover.” Himchan words made Yongguk bewildered. He wasn’t sure how Himchan knew that he had a lover, was Himchan psychic or something? It was like Himchan knew what Yongguk was thinking so he decided to answer for him, “It’s obvious that you have a lover. Your mind is always wandering off. So tell me, is she beautiful?”

Yongguk knew that Daehyun wasn’t his lover anymore. He ended it with Daehyun a long time ago, but deep down he cannot forget Daehyun. His words just slipped out, not caring if Daehyun and him were over, “Yes…very beautiful.”

-

Yongguk observed the place, it all looked the same and nothing has changed. The roads, street, neighbors. Nothing looked different. He had two bodyguards next to him incase anything happens but asked them to stay in the van instead, since he knew this neighborhood is pretty quiet and isn’t the type to have screaming fangirls. He needed privacy.

His heart raced rapidly as he made way towards the house that he hasn’t visited in so long. His mind was off in a lot of thoughts, picturing what Daehyun looked like, has he changed? Has he gained weight? Yongguk could only picture how beautiful his ex-lover probably looked. He wondered how Daehyun was doing in college also. They haven’t caught up in so long and he had so many questions to ask Daehyun. The palm of his hand touched the ring in his pocket; he had a lot of plans for today.

Finally his finger touched the doorbell waiting for Daehyun or his parents to answer the door. His feet tapped on the floor from his nervousness. When the lady answered the door, Yongguk was taken back. He even checked the house number to make sure it was the right house but he doesn’t recognize the lady at all. She had the same thoughts, “Do I know you young man?”

“I…I’m looking for Daehyun. Does he not live here anymore?”

She shook her head, “I don’t know him. Maybe you have the wrong house?”

“I apologize” Yongguk bowed. She just nodded and slowly closed the door. Yongguk turned back and scratched his head. He knew it was this house. Has the 2 years and a half completely erased his memories? He shook his head, now he had no idea where to go. He wanted to ask Daehyun to be his again. He pulled out the ring in his pocket and stared at it, he also wanted to propose to Daehyun. He knows there is no one else in this world that could replace Daehyun. He had to take back their relationship and apologize for all he has done.

“Are you looking for Jung Daehyun?” a voice snapped him out of his train of thoughts. He turned and came into contact with the neighbor. Yongguk rushed into the doorstep and nodded to the old woman. She looked like she was in her 70s but she still looked very healthy. She invited him in so they could have some tea and talked. It was cold outside and she didn’t want a young boy to stay out for so long.

Yongguk took the sip of the tea and thanked her for treating him so well. As she settled down next to him she began to talk. “Daehyun unfortunately passed away.” Her words made Yongguk hand shake as the cup in his hand dropped onto the floor, shattering into pieces.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry.” Yongguk’s heart was racing rapidly. He felt like his heart was going to pop out of his chest.

“It’s ok, I can clean it up.” She tried to take his hand away from the cup and cleaned it up with the towel. Yongguk felt so guilty that he has made a mess. When she finished cleaning up she turned back to Yongguk, “I know you are surprised. But he has passed away more than a year ago. That’s why I’m sort of surprised you came looking for him now.”

“…What? How did this happen?”

She looked onto the ground, trying to reminisce what had happened. “I remember that day I was sitting on the porch waving to him once he got back from college. Except this time, his face was really pale and he has lost a ton of weight. I asked him what has happened but he didn’t say much so I let him go. The next day I found out from his parents that he has committed suicide in his room. He is so young too. I cannot believe he took his life away. He left before I did.” She wiped away a tear in the corner of her eyes. She really misses the child.

Yongguk felt a pain in his chest. The pain kept tugging at him hurting him even more. “Did you know why he did that?”

“His parents said that his boyfriend broke up with him and found a new girl. From my guess is that he was deeply attached to that guy. His parents also said he has told them he wanted to spend the rest of his life with the guy, thinking into marriage and everything. It was a tragedy that it has happened. Daehyun had a bright future ahead of him, he is beautiful and easy to like. I just don’t get why he would do that to himself.”

The lump inside his throat made him speechless. Tears rapidly fell down Yongguk’s eyes. It was his entire fault. His fault that Daehyun had threw his life away. “Why would he do that?! He is so stupid” Yongguk tugged onto his hair. He was overwhelmed with so many emotions that he couldn’t think straight.

“Do you happen to know his boyfriend?”

Yongguk tried to straighten himself up. He wiped away the tears in his eyes, even though they won’t stop falling. “I’m his boyfriend. I broke up with him because I needed to focus on my career as an artist. Rumors about Jieun being my girlfriend were just rumors. I wanted time away from him hoping we will just go our own ways. I came back for him because I realize I love him to death. But I guess he couldn’t wait for me.”

She patted his back as she tried to wipe away the tears staining his eyes. “Why couldn’t you go check up on him? He has died over a year ago. His parents even moved houses because the house was too big for the 2 of them. They fell into tragedy for the loss of their son. If you want to check on his grave, it’s still around here. They didn’t take his body with them. They left him in the cemetery here because they figured it was the best for him.”

“I’m a jerk. I’m a stupid jerk. I left the person that loved me the most, the person that loved me more than I could ever love myself. I couldn’t even find time to meet him and hangout with him. I deserve to die, not him.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t” she patted his back trying to calm him from his emotional breakdown. Yongguk cried, cried like he has never cried before.

-

In front of him was the grave, the grave of the love of his life. Yongguk dropped his body and held the tombstone, crying his tears on it. He wished the tombstone were Daehyun he was hugging instead. He wished that he could bring Daehyun back, but there was no way. When a person is gone, they are forever gone. There is no way to bring that person back.

“Babe, why did you leave me? You should have known I would eventually come back for you. I ing love you. I love you so ing much Daehyun. I would give away everything just to have you here with me. I don’t want to be a celebrity anymore! I just want you here. Babe, can you hear me? I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I just found out about your death. I’m a bad boyfriend who never checked up on you, who had no idea what you were doing. I don’t deserve someone like you. Why couldn’t you move on? You could find many guys out there. You are beautiful, nice, sweet, caring, and you always put others before yourself.”

The tears from Yongguk’s eyes dripped onto the tombstone. The strong façade he had wasn’t there anymore; it was just a weak side that was bundled up with emotions. This was a side that couldn’t handle anything on his own, a side that really needed someone. “I came back today wanting you to forgive me. I also wanted to take your hand in marriage.”

He slowly pulled out the ring from his pocket. He knew how much Daehyun looked forward to spending the rest of his life with him, but now it’s just a dream, a mere illusion. “Babe, remember when you always cried over those sappy dramas? Saying you want a guy to propose to you romantically and pulls you off your feet? I would always tease you because you were asking for too much. I even joked around saying since I’m poor I can only make you a ring out of grass and you didn’t even mind. You just wanted me to be by your side. Now I know that even with this diamond ring, you probably wouldn’t say yes to my proposal. I hurt you. I hurt you big time.”

Even when the weather was getting cold, Yongguk didn’t mind it at all. He would rather spend forever here, wishing this tombstone were Daehyun. “Babe, I would like to ask for your hand in marriage. I promise that I will love you and only you. I would commit suicide to be with you but I doubt you would want that. So now I will ask for you to be my other half.”

Yongguk got on his knees while staring at the tombstone, anyone looking would assume that he has lost his mind, but he knew he was doing just right. “There is no one that can love me like you can. From our first kiss to the first time we made love, I cherish everything I do with you. Even when we had our first fight, we promised that no matter what we would always try our best to make it through. Now I only ask for you Jung Daehyun to be my lover. Even if we aren’t physically together, mentally I will never leave you again. I hope you would forgive me and be my other half.” Yongguk placed the ring on the ground covering it with some dirt. “Since you aren’t saying anything, I will take it that you want me also” he tried to laugh even though it was painful. “I love you Daehyun. I’m an idiot for telling you goodbye.”

-

“Hunnie, you promise one day that you will propose to me right?” Daehyun pouted as he looked at his empty finger. It was missing a ring and Yongguk knew it as well. They both knew that eventually Yongguk had to propose. Daehyun gave him many hints.

Yongguk laughed and pinched Daehyun’s cheeks, “I will propose to you with my grass ring. Then make you feel embarrassed that you have dated a poor guy who can’t buy you diamonds.”

“I don’t mind, as long as you give me the grass ring and nobody else. Then I’m content.”

“Then wait for that day Daehyun, wait for that special day.”

Daehyun giggled and wrapped his arms around Yongguk’s neck, “I will.”

-

Cheers and fanchants were heard from the audience once Yongguk performed the song he has written. The nervous feeling that Yongguk always got was suddenly pushed away. He felt more confident to be on stage, knowing that Daehyun is always by his side.

Even if I close my eyes, I still see us.

There’s still a light there.

I’ll deeply retain the times we had together.

Even if pain comes over time,

The promise I made for the rest of my life,

I won’t ever forget that moment until the end.

I remember.

He tried to silence everyone after the song. Once the audience was quiet he took in a deep breath before speaking. “I have a confession to make.” He raised up his hand and showed the ring on his finger. It made the audience gasp. Some fangirls fainted knowing that Yongguk already had a lover. “I’m engaged.” His words shocked all of his fans but there was no holding back, he had to be honest with himself and Daehyun, “I’m engaged to the most wonderful person, the one I cannot live without. Though he’s not physically here with me, I can say that his presence is always by my side. I love him more than anything, he gave me support and that’s why I’m standing here now. I cannot ask for a better lover. I love you Jung Daehyun!”

That night he lost some fans. The delusional fangirls that think they have a chance with him, the fangirls supporting him and Jieun. And the fans that hated on him for his uality. With whatever it was, he didn’t care. He was true to himself, and that’s what Daehyun wanted him to fulfill. In his heart, he had his number one fan. He smiled and kissed the ring in his finger.

~The End~

--

AN: OMG this was depressing. I wanted to cry while writing it. I know I killed off Daehyun but at least he’s still in Yongguk’s heart. T-T.