small warning for mood-whiplash and sudden angst. *punches self*

| 3 |

Things change when Yongguk finally receives a letter of acceptance.

They start to see each other less and less, blaming it on school and tests and homework. Daehyun holes himself up in his room and studies like there's no tomorrow because there is an influx of upcoming tests and he doesn't want to get anything less than 85%. He knows that for someone like him, it seems almost impossible, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't try.

Yongguk is busy getting accustomed to his new school which he says smells like bleach, and because it's quite a while away, Yongguk doesn't arrive home until 5:15pm. Every day he finds himself looking for the mop of blond hair in the crowd and realises that he misses-- craves-- the younger's presence more than ever.

There are large intervals between their meetings. Days turn into a week, and weeks turn into a month.

It's a Sunday afternoon and Daehyun finds himself missing the older boy more than he should.

He picks up his phone sends a short message to Yongguk, hoping that the other will receive it as soon as he hits 'send'. 

The clearing is now orange, not green, and it reminds them of the time they spent away from each other. 

Daehyun thinks that Yongguk looks more rugged than he remembered-- more attractive. But at the same time he also thinks that maybe Yongguk hasn't changed at all. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, after all.

Yongguk thinks that Daehyun is still as pretty as ever.

"So how is it? How's Mrs. Choi?"

Daehyun ripped out handfuls of grass and piled them on top of Yongguk's knee.

"She was impressed with my improvement, and she said that my tutor must've been able to perform miracles." Yongguk scoffed and shook his head.

The silence that follows allows them to realise how dependent they are on each other, and they both acknowledge that, independent of each other. It allows them to realise just how much they missed the other's company and attention. Two opposite halves of a perfect whole, yin and yang.

"I missed you." Daehyun finally says as they take in each other's presence. His voice is quiet, like he doesn't want to disturb the non-existent residents in the clearing-- they were the only ones who knew of this place anyway.

It's clear to both of them why they're not punching and insulting each other like they usually do. It's only a matter of who brings it up first. It's a conversation that neither are ready to have, yet they were both as ready as they ever would be.

"I missed you too."

And it's Daehyun that finally moves. He's tentative, he's shaking and Yongguk patiently waits.

He kisses him.

The kiss is soft, slow, ephemeral.

And Yongguk wraps his arms around the smaller, holds his trembling body against his own and tells him, "I love you" and listens for the echo.

It's sweet and soft and lovely, just like Daehyun.

Daehyun loves this place. He loves Yongguk. And right now everything just fits together so nicely and his life seems so perfectly detangled, he wishes the world would stop spinning for just a second.

。。。。。。。。。。

A few quiet days pass.

And there are no warnings,

when his world really does stop.

But when he sees the blood on the road and the tyre marks burnt into the asphalt, he doesn't cry, instead he turns right around and heads home. He sits on his bed, arms at his side like a broken marionette and he waits for his heart to stop beating so painfully fast. Daehyun thinks that his rib-cage might just shatter.

That night he remembers how they kissed under the tree in the clearing and Daehyun cries for the first time in a long, long time.

And it's funny the way things work. Because the last time he remembers crying is when he first met Yongguk and now it's because of him that he's choking on tears and rendered unable to think.

The next day, he's hugging Yongguk's mother who is red with tears and shaken up and Daehyun learns that life has the ability to make a person indescribably happy in the same amount of time it takes to completely destroy them.

。。。。。。。。。。

School is a blur. He doesn't remember waking up or walking there and everything just seems too fuzzy for him to register. He's tired, he's so very tired. Youngjae shakes him softly and asks if he's okay and Daehyun responds by telling him that he needs to go vomit. He stumbles out of his seat and tells himself that he can at least make it to the nearest toilets.

Youngjae tries to help but Daehyun shakes him off,

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Just a bit sick." Youngjae face still shows visible concern, but he lets Daehyun go.

Yongguk. Anything that isn't Yongguk just passes over his head.

He vomits until his stomach is sore and empty, his throat is burning with sourness and his tongue is disgustingly vile and bitter.

His heart doesn't stop eating itself and Daehyun feels like wrenching it out of his chest.

。。。。。。。。。。

The first time it happens, he feels so overwhelmingly happy.

Yongguk is there and they're sitting in the clearing. It feels so very real when Yongguk holds his face so tenderly in his rough hands, and it feels so very real when Yongguk gently pulls him closer and--

Daehyun wakes up.

。。。。。。。。。。

"Daehyun." Youngjae waves his hands in front of his face and Daehyun snaps out of his reverie.

"Look," the other begins, "I know it must be really tough, I can't even begin to imagine. But, I'm here for you if you need me, okay?" Daehyun nods.

"Thanks."

He finds himself spending most of his time in school pondering about the dream that just seemed so undeniably real that Daehyun wonders if dreams aren't just figments of his imagination but gateways to another dimension.

A readily furnished dimension where Yongguk is waiting for him every night when he closes his eyes and falls asleep.

He pokes the cafeteria food sitting in front of him and he concludes that it isn't safe for human consumption, so he pushes it towards Jongup who seems more than happy to finish it off for him. Daehyun doesn't even bother completing (or starting, in fact) his math homework that was meant to be done the night before. He can already feel Mrs. Choi's piercing glare but it doesn't do anything to motivate him.

Jongup doesn't say a word, doesn't interfere, because he doesn't want to tread in waters that were better left unexplored, leaving all the therapy work to Youngjae. The most he does is offer Daehyun a sip of his fermented milk drink, which is politely rejected. When the bell rings, he gathers his stuff, and offers Daehyun a sip one last time, before leaving for physics after being turned down once again. He's concerned, but he doesn't know what to do, and to be honest, neither does Youngjae. 

"Take care of yourself, you hear me?" Youngjae pulls Daehyun into a hug and rubs soothing circles on his back before they separate to go to their next class.

。。。。。。。。。。

On a particularly dark night, he sees him again.

He's in the clearing again. Everything happens just like before, Yongguk pulls him in and this time, they kiss. Yongguk's lips are perfectly real, yes, Daehyun thinks, and he convinces himself that this isn't a dream.

But just like before, Yongguk is suddenly ripped away and is replaced by a suffocating darkness.

It chokes him until morning breaks.

。。。。。。。。。。

Youngjae can only watch helplessly as one of his closest friends begins to fall apart in front of his eyes. Because as much as he tries, he can't seem to reach out to him and put all the pieces back together again.

He doesn't know what to say when Daehyun falls asleep against his shoulder only to get up five minutes later and curse when "it doesn't work, it's not working, why isn't this ing working?" and Youngjae pleads for him to see someone because this perpetual need for sleep cannot be healthy. He knows Daehyun is not only not getting the sleep he deeply wants, but getting the sleep he really needs.

Daehyun knows this too. Those nights where his dreams are filled with nothing but that hateful ebony, he wakes up after only a couple of restless hours and tosses and turns. He's trying to dream of orange and yellow and blue and pink but all he ever gets is black.

He doesn't go back to sleep.

He comes to school looking deathly sick and even Zico finds the last remaining shreds of humanity inside him to leave Daehyun alone, because he just looks that terrible. 

The dark circles grow more and more prominent every day, the migraines are an everyday occurence and he frequents trips to the restroom where he proceeds to throw up everything that he had eaten that day. Youngjae misses the bright-eyed Daehyun that would yell and talk loud and fast, retaliating every comment with an unnecessary comeback. Now all that sits before him is emaciated and gaunt and it is most definitely not Daehyun.

Daehyun groans about another oncoming headache and Youngjae watches with worried eyes and a worried heart when Daehyun swallows another painkiller.

"Dae, you have to eat something." Daehyun refuses and shakes his head when Youngjae offers some of his own lunch. Youngjae rubs the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger,

"You have to see someone, you can't keep doing this to yourself." He finally says as softly as he can. He doesn't want Daehyun to feel cornered and helpless.

"I know. I know it's not healthy. But I don't want to be fixed." Daehyun's voice cracks slightly and Youngjae feels his heart crack along with it, "I don't want to be awake."

Youngjae sighs as Daehyun remains as stubborn and unmoving as ever.

Daehyun has a hard time focusing on this reality because to him, this reality holds nothing while the other reality holds everything.

(It's not a dream, it's reality, he tells himself, it's not a dream, it's reality.) 

。。。。。。。。。。

With every recurring dream, the scene is extended. It's the sixth night in six months, there have been five kisses, and Daehyun is determined to not wake up.

The clearing is growing a few flowers now, some pink and blues. It looks serene and absolutely beautiful. A place that Daehyun is willing to spend the rest of his eternity in.

Yongguk pulls back from the kiss and Daehyun is clutching onto his sleeves, clutching onto him so tightly that his knuckles go white. He rests his head on Yongguk's shoulder and the voice that whispers in his ear can't be anything but real.

"Daehyun." Daehyun's breathing hitches and he buries his head against Yongguk's neck as the other continues talking, "Daehyun, don't leave me." 

When he finds his fingers knotted into his sheets, Daehyun breaks down and sobs quietly into his pillow until his eyes burn and his throat hurts and he finds it hard to breathe.

The moon is soon shrouded by black clouds and Daehyun regulates his breathing.

A dreamless sleep follows.

Daehyun wants everything to end.

。。。。。。。。。。。

------

To: Dae!
[11:12am, 11 March 2010]

Where you at

------

To: Dae!
[12:32pm, 11 March 2010]

Dae, I'm srs. dont ignore me.

------

To: Dae!
[1:21pm, 11 March 2010] 

swear to god if u dnt reply...

------

To: Dae!
[1:42pm, 11 March 2010]

you okay? 

------

To: Dae!
[1:55pm, 11 March 2010]

dont u dare do anything stupid

------

To: Dae!
[3:20pm, 11 March 2010]

Jung Daehyun.

------

To: Dae!
[4:33, 11 March 2010]

Reply to me dammit!!! 

------

To: Dae!
[5:04pm, 11 March 2010]

Daehyun, please, reply to me. 
Where are you? I'll come find you. 
Please be okay. 

------ 

。。。。。。。。。。

Daehyun spends his day walking around the house and staring out the window most of the time. The sky holds a few white clouds, nice and fluffy. It's quite a sunny day. There isn't much wind, only a tiny zephyr that slips in through the tiniest openings and he listens to the tinkling of wind-chimes dangling by the door.

"It's a beautiful day." He thinks to himself as puts misplaced objects back in their rightful places and straightens up wonky table cloths and couch cushions.

He washes the dishes that were left in the sink, and complains inwardly about how his father, whose face he's almost forgotten by now, never takes responsibility around the house. Daehyun pours himself a cup of water. He chokes when it goes down too fast and he makes a mental note to not do that when he drinks next time. He quietly laughs to himself,

though he doesn't find anything particularly funny. 

His phone has been buzzing all day and they'd all been messages from Youngjae and a couple of other people, asking where he was. Walking into his room, he picks up any loose papers and articles of clothing and neatly arranges them, making sure his room is tidy and organised.

Evening comes quicker than he expected, and his hands are shaking when he opens up every drawer and every cabinet door until he finds what he's looking for.

He smiles and sits on his bed, picking up his phone.

------

To: Jae~
[7:28pm, 11 March 2010]

Im fine. Sorry for worrying you (: 
Dont worry about me anymore, okay? 

------ 

He quietly slips out of his house, shutting the door softly, his feet guided by his heart and not his head.

He walks for ten minutes and listens to the distant barking of the neighbour's dog.

The air in the clearing is dyed a deep indigo and smells of nothing, and he loves it. He takes a deep breath and he sits himself down on his carpet of leaves and twigs.

Then he unscrews the cap, half-heartedly apologises to his no-good father for taking his pills and pours the remaining tablets onto his hand. 

He counts them and when he's satisfied,

he lies down,

closes his eyes,

and falls asleep.

。。。。。。。。。。

There are more flowers this time, they've flourished all around and dappled the vista with pinks and blues and now there are even purples. 

Yongguk kisses him for the sixth time.

The kiss is soft, slow, ephemeral.

But Daehyun's arms are resting on Yongguk's shoulders, and he's not desperately holding on because he knows, now, that they have all the time in the world, -this- world.

He rests his head against Yongguk's neck and breathes against his skin when that voice he knows so well mumbles against his ear,

"Daehyun, I love you. Please, please don't leave me again." 

And he pulls his head up and looks Yongguk in the eyes, dark brown orbs that plead for his company.

"Never." 

And Daehyun kisses him one more time. Yongguk smiles into the kiss and Daehyun finds himself smiling too. 

"Come with me." And Yongguk stands up, pulling Daehyun along with him.

And it was probably the last time he would ever hear those words. And when another hand finds its way to his and pulls him away, far, far away,

he can feel his heart fluttering and fluttering, flitting around,

like a bird with a broken wing.

----------

A/N: If any of you want to throw bricks at my face for not only killing Yongguk (for the second time holy why am I such a bad stan) but Daehyun this time then feel free to do so because I feel like doing it to myself, you will be doing me a favour come on I know you guys want to. But! On a lighter note, thank you thank you thank yooou guys so much for putting up with me for 3 chapters!! (Actually it's more like 2 and a half)

I found that my writing style slightly changed writing this chapter?? Maybe I was sub-consciously trying to parallel Daehyun's mental state or something idk.

And thank you for leaving such lovely comments ; 3; (for those silent readers I still love you, jsyk) you guys make me really happy ㅠ___ㅠ

I'm sorry for the intense mood whiplash too. When I was writing it I was like woah now what's going on? Hands...suddenly...typiNG...ANGST!!?!?!? STOp!! hElP!! So yeah it shocked me too don't worry.

Also, I know I said this in my foreword but like send me fic recs or something guys ㅠㅠ and just so you know if you send me an EXO fic that I haven't read I will love you forever until the world ends (like in 4 days pft. no i will love you for longer than that)

Anyway I'm off now guys!! As I said, this is probably going to be my last fic in a while. Going to be on an indefinite hiatus so I'm not sure when will be the next time I see you. 

Love you lots and lots ♥