Even though it was the end of the year, Jongup felt more restless than usual. With all the awards coming up, all he could do was toss and turn in his bed, thinking about what if they win what if they lose what if this what if that. He felt like someone was hitting him in the head with a hammer over and over that it got to a point where at times he’d actually slam his head against the wall, only to have either mommy Himchan or hopefully, Yongguk come and help him sort things out.

            Yongguk, being their leader, was always there for him, but Jongup held some deeper feelings for him. Just the way he always managed to praise the younger male and how he always found it hard to believe when he’d try to get Jongup to be a part of the conversation in interviews or anything, somewhere along the line, Jongup fell flat on his face for the gummy rapper.

            It didn't help when Himchan was surfing around online and he found that someone had seen that Yongguk pushed Jongup to the front during the shooting of “Hajima”, and fans went wild with pairing the two together.

            “BangUp sounds like some sort of move.” Himchan said as he scrolled past it, but not before shoving it in the leaders face and laughing at him while his eyebrows knitted together.

            “I’d rather BangUp than BangHim.” Yongguk said, turning to face the second youngest, who only blushed and smiled, looking down into his lap to avoid any more awkward words. Himchan grunted and pulled the iPad back into his lap and kept scrolling.

            But as the nights went on, Jongup kept those words ringing in his head and they made him want to wake up every morning and fall asleep next to Yongguk every night, but he wasn’t privileged enough for such luxuries. He never really felt anything other than a deep compassionate love for Yongguk, and he’d never plan on telling him it, because he’d have to deal with a broken-hearted Junhong, even though there was a pining Himchan that was right in front of him.

            Jongup kicked the wall on accident while he bundled up in his bed, cold out of his mind as his body shivered unbearably. He cursed his tiny bunk and he cursed the wall and he cursed himself. All he had on his thoughts were awards and Yongguk’s face when they would win one. How his eyes would light up and twinkle like a grand ballroom chandelier made Jongup’s heart skip and thud against his chest to the point he thought it’d fall out. He loved to see that smile and he loved to hear Yongguk’s amiable speeches that would be quoted and remember though the times. Jongup just loved everything about him.

            He pulled his pillow over his head and groaned into it, making the maknae stir in his sleep before stuttering a breath and falling back into a light slumber. Jongup rolled over a bit to look at the clock and check the time. It was nearly four in the morning and he couldn’t even manage to shut his eyes for more than 10 seconds before endless questions bombarded his head. He rolled over to face the wall again and he thought a few feelings would fall off his brain like snowflakes from a tree if only he hit it, but he knew Yongguk didn't like it when he hit himself.

            He’d done it before when he couldn’t get a dance move right or when he couldn’t hit a note in a song. He’d go back to the dorm and sit in his room, slapping at his legs for not working right and flicking himself in the throat for not going high enough. Yongguk walked in on him once during a rather violent fit where his thighs were bright red and running on bruises and Yongguk had to dash over to the bed where Jongup was sitting and clutch his wrists.

            “What are you doing?” Yongguk asked tranquilly, leaning over and looking the teen in the eyes. Jongup pressed them shut and tears ran down his cheeks as he shook his head and dug his nails into his palms. Yongguk rattled him lightly for him to stop.

            “It was such a simple step!” Jongup yelped, trying to throw the older off of him to no avail. Yongguk only pushed him back on the bed and straddled him, and it was no help to Jongup who had read a few fanfics in his days out of curiosity. A blush adorned his cheeks as Yongguk’s piercing gaze barreled down into him, making his body rack with sobs as he shook his head, feeling the weight of sleeplessness on him.

            Before he could catch his actions, he’d pulled down Yongguk and locked lips with him, holding his neck down and trying to kiss him even though Yongguk was desperately pulling back and pushing himself up. Jongup felt himself panic as he realized what he was doing, and he let go, but not before frantically looking for words he didn’t mean to come out.

            “I- I love you!” he yelled to Yongguk, who was backing away from Jongup bed, wiping at his lips before his face fell sullenly. Jongup just knew he messed something up. When Yongguk left, he’d probably start biting at his lips and hitting his head and maybe he’s even stab his heart a couple of time because he’d rather die than have Yongguk hate him.

            Yongguk dropped his arms to his side and walked towards Jongup and sat next to him on his bed, resting his hands on his knees while Jongup had his folded and placed in his lap.

            “Look at me Jongup.” Yongguk said, turning his head to face him. Jongup looked up from under his bangs like a beaten puppy, and Yongguk brushed them aside and kissed his forehead tenderly, but it was nothing more than a gesture of friendliness. Jongup’s heart sank deeper than the deepest ocean and he felt like all the water in every sea was going to fall past his eyes.

            “You hate me, don’t you?” Jongup wept, and Yongguk cupped his face and wiped the tears under Jongup’s eyes with his thumbs, lightly smiling, trying to talk to the boy who was closer to glass than human at the moment. One stone thrown and all was shattered.

            “No, no, Jongup. I could never, ever hate you. I love you so, so much, but right now, I think you and I feel a different sort of love to each other. I love you as a leader and you’re like a son to me. But you, you-”

            “Don’t tell me how I feel! I’ve just wanted to sleep in your bed and have you praise me over the others. I love you so much Yongguk and you’re always babying Junhong or flirting with Himchan and it hurts to watch when all I want is for you to play video games with me and I want to cuddle and kiss and I don’t even want a relationship with you, I just want to be with you. Just to be within your presence would make me happy.” Jongup sputtered, hiccupping through sobs as Yongguk pulled Jongup into his arms and stoked his hair.

            “Jongup, Jongup, but I don’t want to kiss you. I’d more than happily allow you to spend the night in my room and I’d love to play video games with you but Jongup, this is just me, but I don’t kiss those who I’m not in a relationship with. Otherwise, I would have kissed Himchan by now, and don’t make me out to be a blind man, I know he has a crush on the maknae, but like you to me, that’s Himchan to Junhong. So Jongup, don’t cry.”

            Jongup nodded weakly, sniffling into Yongguk’s shirt and allowing the older to just hold him, because if that’s all he was going to get, he’d take it happily.

            Still, Jongup sits in his room on sleepless nights and he still hits his legs and smashes his head against walls because there’s a voice in his head that’s not his own and all it does is ask questions and whispers the bitterest anxieties. If only he could sleep, maybe he’d have a chance with Yongguk, but then Jongup remembered, he’s not privileged enough for such luxuries, and he certainly wasn’t up to par with Himchan, who was the rut of Yongguk’s affection.

            Every night, Jongup rolls around tirelessly, wishing for sleep to swiftly take him off to a land where Yongguk loved him like he did and where they could win all the awards but not for the fame, but for the face and the smiles and a kiss that he begged and dreamed for, but even his mind wouldn’t give him that.