I was scolded by eomma again. Such a tiring mother

I entered the hospital intended to bring the flowers to my sick niece.

 “NamHee ah!” someone called.

 

I froze.

 

“annyeong NamHee ah~, you’re looking great now, oh?” the voice said

“o-oh, gu-gu-ma-wo” her voice weakened me.

I turned towards the voice and saw her.

 

In a wheel chair.

 

“how’s rehabilitation for you?” the lady asked her

“i-it’s fi-ne” she said with much difficulty

Is she sick? Why hadn’t she told me?

if you’re hurting now, you might suffer for tomorrow

 

 

“NamHee ah” I called out jogging towards her

“s-sung-g-gyu ah” she muttered shocked

“thought I’d never found ya huh? Sorry, but gotcha” I said grinning at her

“m-mian-he” she said turning her wheelchair away from me.

I let her go.

What’s her sickness?

Did she stay all this time inside the hospital?

Why hadn’t anyone known?

 

I went to the room the nurse said was hers and found her reading a book

This bookworm

Seeing her really makes me happy.

I knocked

“annyeong, why did you ran away from me again? Oh? Haven’t you missed me?” I asked as I approach her. She set her book down and nodded

“ I ha-ve be-en wa-i-i-ting for yo-you” she said as I sat down besides her bed.

She sat rigidly. She has troubled speaking, difficulty in moving.

What is her sickness?

“you mu-st be c-cu-ri-ous wha-t my di-disea-se is? N-ne?” she asked smiling, like she just read my mind

“disease? You’re that sick? Why haven’t you told me?” I asked shocked

“mi-an, gy-u ah” she mumbled still smiling

She grabbed one of the notebooks on her table and handed it to me

“re-ad it. Th-then co-me b-ba-ck he-r-re” she said grinning at me

I took it. Never my eyes leave her face.

It’s just been months but it felt years to me.

I’ve missed that smile.

I’ve missed her.

“so I can’t visit you until I’ve read this, huh? That’s too cruel you know. I’ve missed you so much” I said reaching for her hand

She nodded

“d-do-n’t be st-stub-bo-rn Gyu ah” she said making me laugh a little

“araso, but I’ll finish this tonight, so I can visit you tomorrow. Is that alright with you?” I asked

She looked down

“I m-mi-miss you” she said

My heart welled up in joy

“there, there. Haven’t I told you? I missed you too” I said

“go, y-you ne-need to r-re-ad t-tha-t” she said smiling at me again.

I would never get tired of seeing her smile

“are you kicking me out?” I joked.

She let out her melodic giggle and nodded

“araso, but I’ll be back tomorrow, ne?” I said standing up

“s-se-ee yo-u” she muttered

“can I ask for a favor?” I blurted out feeling the weight of the few months gone

She nodded curiously

“can I … hug you?”

She smiled and nodded

I gently encase her in my arms

She’s as soft as before.

“you don’t know how hard life was for me when you were gone. I hope that won’t happen again. Oh? Promise me it won’t happen again, NamHee ah” I said inhaling her

She didn’t spoke nor nod

I let go

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked her

Her head was bowed down and she just merely nodded.

She must be fed up by your drama Sunggyu

“bye bye” I said before regretting it.

Weren’t it the last words she said to me?

Remembering it now still hurts me.

 

 

I decided to stop going to school. I thought that I should just leave a good memory with them. A memory of me running on the grounds of our school, laughing and not caring what tomorrow might bring.

 

My heart is aching. Seeing the pain in Sunggyu’s eyes and knowing that I have caused it brings immeasurable pain in my heart.

 

I kept reminding myself that the only reason why I said those words to Sunggyu is to keep his heart safe.

 

Life, would forever be a mystery to me. Love will forever be a pleasurable pain for me. Smiles would forever be my hope. Even though I can’t see the one smile I wish to be shown before me

 

I lost the ability to walk but each time I play my guitar I feel like I’m floating in the air, travelling far away from my hospital bed and my disease. I don’t know what will happen to me if I lose this too.

 

Even though I’ve left Sunggyu behind deep down in my heart I wish that he would find me, though in my condition now I don’t know if he’d still want me. I remember the day he said he wanted to be with me so badly. The feeling is mutual, but I was rude saying to leave me alone. Eomma was asking me why I let go of something so important to me. I didn’t want to but I can’t let myself be selfish. I want him to make that choice: would he stand by my side or leave me? I would understand his answer.

 

It hurts so much. This sickness is taking the things I love away from me. I regret all the time I have wasted. This pain, I will treasure it. It reminds me of how little time we have and how much I wanted it to be otherwise.

 

I’ve become too greedy. I tell everyone its okay and that I’ve accepted this illness but those words weren’t half true. I hate it, but what else can I do? Eomma said that God gave this to me because he loves me and know that I’m strong. I guess so. I’m trying my best though it’s painful. But lying to everyone is like lying to myself too, keeping the pain close to my chest makes me feel so lonely.

 

                Sunggyu ah~ I miss you.

 

My heartache so much from reading it my hand started shaking and tears that I didn’t know existed was shed. I bit my lower lip as I force a cry back in my throat.

This can’t be happening. Anio, God can’t be this cruel to me right? I know that I’m a really bad kid. Bad doesn’t even define the things I’ve done in this lifetime. Isn’t it too much to take away the one person that I wanted so badly to be with? The one person who actually wants me back.

 

 

I gripped the doorknob tightly, my knuckles becoming white.

“NamHee ah~” I greeted with a smile as my chest becomes painful. Seeing her in her hospital clothes only reminds me of all the things I read. I don’t want to remember any of what she wrote but each word had etched itself in my mind.

She raised her hand and waved at me smiling.

The pain quickly left and I paced the room faster than I thought I could and without saying anything enclosed her in my arms.

“g-Gyu ah” she said in a fragile shock voice

I took a deep breathe

“for a second. Let me hold you” I mumbled as I control the tears that were about to betray me. I felt her hand in my head, patting me lightly

“mian-he” she muttered difficultly

“anio, mian. How could I not know? How could I not notice? It’s my fault” I whispered shakily. She pushed me lightly and I let go of her, just enough to see her face.

She shook her head and weakly smiled at me.

That smiled did it. All the emotions I’ve kept all my life escaped and tears ran down my face as I launched myself to her.

 

Kissing her.

Feeling her soft lips in mine made happiness rushed through my body followed by the fear of never feeling her again. The thought made me hold her tighter

 

“gajima” I whispered as I kissed her

Her weak shaking hand touched my cheek and brushed her thumb back and forth

“gajima” I repeated clearer and with much more authority as I pulled myself from her. We were both taking deep breaths from the kiss

“I c-can-“ I cut her with a peck on the lips

“don’t, let me hope. Let me dream of a tomorrow with you, okay?” I said desperate

“b-but-“

“I can’t lose you. Not like this. Not ever. Just let me wish to be with you for my entire life.” I begged

She reached out for my hand and held it as tightly as she could.

“l-listen, d-do-n’t i-inter-rupt. I-if y-ou’ll h-ho-hope too-oo mu-much you-u’ll j-ust g-g-get hu-hurt more-ee” she said as pain clouded her eyes

“the pain I’ll feel? It doesn’t matter” I said grinning at her

She opened

“no, don’t” I stopped her

“just let me, okay? I... I just couldn’t anticipate tomorrow knowing, knowing-“ a sob escape my throat as I let my head fall down as I was consume by all the fears that was now  living in my heart

She weakly pushed my head up by the chin and kissed my left cheek

“a-araso” she whispered and slowly but adoringly wraps her arms around me.

If I could just forever be in this moment, never leaving her, never losing her. I’m not asking for the time to stop, I’m wishing that she’d just be well enough to live her life with me for as long as we can.

 

 

“I’ll take it. One, two, three. Kimchi~~~” I smiled as I took another picture of us

Her disease took a toll on her body. It’s been 4 months since I’ve known about her condition and she’s not getting better at all.

Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease is a brain disease that is incurable and invariably fatal. The brain tissue develops holes and takes on a sponge-like texture.

 I remember the doctor explained.

“I just composed a song for you” I said grinning at her. She smiled and nodded

 

“I'm gonna pick up the pieces,

and build a lego house

when things go wrong we can knock it down

 

My three words have two meanings,

there's one thing on my mind

It's all for you

 

And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got ya to keep me warm

and if you're broke I'll mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on

 

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

 

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

I'll do it all for you in time

And of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

 

I'm gonna paint you by numbers

and colour you in

if things go right we can frame it, and put you on a wall

 

And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before

and I'll surrender up my heart

and swap it for yours

 

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

 

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

I'll do it all for you in time

And of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

 

Don't hold me down

I think my braces are breaking and it's more than I can take

 

And if it's dark in a cold December, I've got ya to keep me warm

and if you're broke I'll mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on

 

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love

I'll pick you up when you're getting down

and of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

 

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind

I'll do it all for you in time

And of all these things I've done I think I love you better now” a tear rolled down her cheek

“listen. I’m just going to say this once and you have to keep it in your heart… where ever you may go” I said as the picking feeling in my heart that I have grown accustom to starts again

Her tear stained large orbs sincerely looked in my eyes waited for me to say something

The things she’s been doing just to stay. The pain she’s been enduring just to be with me, be with everyone she loves. The suffering she has been suffering

 

 

Must end.

 

 I took both of her hands

“I’ve been seriously selfish, holding onto you so tightly. It’s just because I love you so much and I’m so afraid of losing you … but if it’s too much for you, all of this, if it’s just too much and you can’t hold on. I’ll understand” the last part went out as a sob as I broke down.

Saying that I let her go breaks me into ashes but if I don’t she’ll be taking more pain. Much more pain than I might experience from losing her

“I love you. No matter how long we’ll be apart, how painful it might get I’ll still do. Not because this is our ending but because I really do and I just can’t stop myself from feeling this way.

That rainy night was the best moment of my life. The days I’ve spent with you were the ones I’ve most felt alive. The times in this hospital room … are the moments I will never forget.

I’m not letting you go because I want to but because I have to. I would give everything just to be with you forever but I know I can’t do anything about it. All I could do is let go, all I could do is give up everything and accept this fate, even if it pains me.

The pain I’ll feel without you will remind me of the lady who entered my life just like the rain. Washing everything away, my sins, and my soul, just like the rain would pour really hard and slowly fade, leaving me no matter how hard I try to hold onto it. The rain that made me grow

NamHee, why does the most beautiful rose in the world have to wither away like this?” I asked her as bury my face on her chest, holding her tightly

The beating of her heart is the most wonderful music but also the saddest one, knowing the melody would be forever unfinished

 

 

=present=

 

I woke up with cold sweat and tears in my eyes.

I blink for a few seconds before realizing what happened and I broke down again

“hyung” I heard Woohyun’s voice

“h-how did she died hyung?” Dongwoo asked bravely

I chuckled bitterly

“she didn’t wake up. No matter how I screamed her name, how I shook her, how I-“ a sob escaped my throat

I looked up at them and smile as I start to calm down

“the most beautiful love story doesn’t only ends with ‘happily ever after’ sometimes the ending would be ‘and she died’ and the prince would have to bravely walk away. Even if it’s the last thing he wants to do” I slowly said as I let my words sink in me as well

 

I was not the brave prince… because I would always find myself standing beside her. Coming back to her no matter how far off I would have gone to.

 

And so she died, and he left with tears in his eyes. Coming back when he needs to remember that even if the song was not completed, it would still be the most beautiful one he had ever heard

That even if the flower turned into ashes, in his heart, it would forever be the most beautiful one.