I don't know how I stood and watched for so long. I don't know how I didn't notice, after all of that standing and watching that whole time. I supposed I was preoccupied, blinded by my own emotions as well as the things I did to secure a good lifestyle for us. It was almost a disappointment. Not her, me. You would think that after three years of being with someone you would learn their habits, the ones that they themselves didn't even think about, the ones you observe just to find one more thing to fall in love with.

But no. Of course, it took this for me to figure it out to put it all together. It took a tragedy, a fall, a break down. And now, here I am, staring at her feeding tube, cursing myself to hell and back. How I wish I could do something, how I wish I could help her. Just thinking, maybe if... What if...

I shut my eyes tightly and shook my head. The deafening beeps of the machinery pierce through the silence, through the darkness I see behind my closed eyes, a significant transition from the white of the hospital room. I felt my body shaking. My mind throbbed with questions, but I stopped it. No "what if"s. They only ever made things worse, in every situation. Mentality is key.

I slowly opened my eyes, my gaze fixed on her face, still so beautiful, but painful to look at. I quickly turned away. With a determined huff, I realized that if I didn't have the right mindset for her, then no one would. I could help her, but I just needed to be there for her.

I then began to drown in my guilt. I wasn't there for her before. I hardly had time for her, now that I think about it. I was never home, I was always working. I did take note of this one time, considering that possibly she thought I was being unfaithful, but I was wrong. She was never the type to jump to those conclusions, anyhow. But if I wasn't there for her before, how would I be able to change my schedule to help her? Take time off of work? With both of us gone, who would pay the bills? She is so much more important than the bills, but her getting better costs money. Her mother won't help. I scowled even thinking about her. My parents would be very disappointed in me, but my dad might give in. I may look like a fool, but I can't care less.

My hand reached for hers. Upon feeling her cold, boney hand in mine, I felt my heart drop into my stomach. She was so fragile-looking, as if she would break if I rested my hand on hers. My eyes pricked slightly as I brought her hand to my cheek and softly caressed her hand with the side of my face. Turning, I kissed the palm of her hand gently, my body shaking visibly. I held my breath, keeping my tears back.

'Don't cry, Jiyong, no self-pity, this is partially your fault.'

I silently convinced myself that crying over this would be shameful, and it wouldn't make anything any better. My tears wouldn't bring her weight to normal. It wouldn't allow her good health. It wouldn't fix her mindset. Her body wouldn't be rejuvinated. So why cry? It wouldn't fix anything and it sure as hell wouldn't make me feel any better about it.

I felt her stir and her hand jerk back ever so slightly. I allowed it to rest at her side on the bed as her eyes squinted into the light. She whimpered, almost like a child cooing to their mother, just like that... I sat there, not knowing what to do. Once she caught sight of me, her lips parted slightly to breathe in sharply. I knew she was ashamed of herself. She turned away quickly to face the other side of the room. My hand flew to her cheek, cold and sunken, and gently forced her to face me. She was about to protest, but I gently hushed her, fixing her frazzled hair away from her face.

"Shhh, jagiya... Just smile, it's all I want to see. I want to know you're glad to see oppa."

Immediately, the corners of her lips curved slightly. It looked painful to smile, but it was so geniune on her porcelain face all I could do was smile back. I bent down to kiss her forhead as she reached up to cup my face in her hands. With the small smile still on her face, she easily caught my eyes with her brown orbs into a loving stare as her small forefinger grazed my features. I kissed her tiny hand as she felt over my lips, earning and weak chuckle. It made my heart skip.

This didn't last long. Her eyes grew large and I knew I had done all I could to postpone this reaction. It was going to come sometime, I knew it had to, but I felt as if I had made it a little less painful... For her, at least...

It was nothing less than knives and daggers straight to my chest.

Her hands flew to the feeding tube, weaking shaking it in distress. Not knowing how to exactly handle her, I grabbed hold of her wrists and pressed them gently to the bed.

"Apa!" She cringed upon contact, almost making me release her, but I was hardly putting any force on her.

"Please, stop squirming, it won't hurt as much." I didn't know what else to say. Her lip quivered as she looked at me in horror, as if she expected me to be on her side, not help her. Tears quickly ran over her cheeks and she stopped fighting me. Her face then went blank and she stared at me with unreadable eyes. Her lips pressed together as she wiped away her tears and watched as nurses flooded into the room.

One quickly approached me as two others began checking the monitors and whatnot. "Is she alright? What happened?"

"She woke up and pulled at her feeding tube. I stopped her."

I saw her eyes relax. It irked me. How could she be so calm? "That's alright. Thank you, sir. I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave now."

My eyes quickly flew back to her bed where the nurses were much more relaxed. Dara's eyes were blank still, her gaze fixed on the wall infront of her. I looked back at the nurse and nodded, forcing a small, appreciative smile of which the nurse returned.

Gathering myself with a deep breath, I took one more look back at Dara, my hand on the doorknob. She was looking at me now, eyes distressed. They widened and she raised her hands, as if reaching out for me.

I don't know what came over me.

So much for mentality.

She does things to me, I don't know how.

Everything was a blur.

I dropped everything, turning from the door and went straight into her arms. She wrapped her skinny arms around my neck and I held her small frame to mine. I felt hands softly tugging at my shirt, but my mind was clouded and my heart took over. I held her very gingerly, but the simple thought of her filled my body and relaxed every part of my being. I felt her shake from crying, and the salty tears soaking my shoulder. I rubbed her back, shushing her gently, my eyes shut.

I wanted to take her pain away. I wanted to take HER away, make everything disappear, all of our worries just gone, out of sight, forever. Just her and me. It was all I wanted, just for us to be together, without worries. I worked so hard at it that I was blind enough to not see how truly sick she was.

Upon feeling her ribs heavy against my chest, my eyes flew open. I slowly released her waist and she frantically grabbed at my clothing as the nurses began to forcefully pull and push at me.

"Oppa, please!"

I made a mistake by looking at her again. How was I supposed to leave her? She needed me!

'No, she needs you to be strong for her.'

It didn't stop me from cupping her face in my hands and kissing her. I felt the nurses stop pulling at me, only for a split second though, only until and pulled away and she began to reach for me again.

"Jiyong, don't leave me!"

I held my breath and turned away, allowing the push of the nurse to lead me.

"Oppa! No! Come back!"

My chest heaved, more from heartache than lack of oxygen.

"NO! I don't need this, I need-- Oppa, PLEASE, they're hurting me!"

'Don't look back, don't let her fool you, she needs to get better first.'

"OPPA!"

The door shut behind me and I let out a heavy sigh. Leaning against the wall, I allowed my legs to give out under me as I slide my back down against the wall and sunk my face into my hands. My body shook and I cried to myself. Her voice echoed in my head, her screams of distress, her calls for me. I wondered, did she need me? My conscience convinced me that she needed the doctor more than she needed me right now. They could get food into her system. I could only try, and it would take so much longer and be a lot more emotional.

Silently, I let my tears flow until I couldn't breathe evenly anymore. I forced myself to stop and got up once my eyes were dry, moving swiftly through the halls, down the stairs, and out of the hospital. I in a deep breath of that fresh, natural air and sat in my car for a while, allowing all of the happenings to sink in, pass, and the rest of my day to come to me. I turned to face the hospital building and only quickly looked away, not being able to even look at it.

"Home. I need sleep." I decided, looking at my puffy pink eyes in my rearview. Shaking my head, I left towards home at a slow, sluggish pace with a heavy heart. What made it worse was the soft gurgling I heard halfway towards home.

I was hungry.