Tracklist 1: Dance Without You

Chapter 3

 

“Komawo.” I thanked the guard as I entered the practice hall of an entertainment building. It wasn’t as small as the current one I’m working on but the music blasting towards the corridor had a sense of familiarity to it.

 

With four bags full of food and the overnight pack of clothes I brought along, I tried to walk briskly as it would allow me. I poked my head through the slightly ajar door of the practice room I was looking for. As always the manager would be the first one to notice me as the persons I was looking for continued on dancing. Concentrated on perfecting their every move with such grace and energy.

 

“Go ahead.” He mouthed and ushered me in. Such a kind man he is. But of course knowing too well, these little brats would notice soon enough.

 

1…2…3…4… “Noona!!” A wail and loud screams filled the room, overpowering the stereo. I was surrounded by hugs and even though I had expected it coming I were still caught off guard when a small figure launched itself to me.

 

“Nice save Onew.” I said when one of my dongsaengs – the leader of their group took the bags of food before I fell on the floor together with my youngest brother glued to me.

 

“Meanie, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Taemin whined as I patted his head and playfully swatted him away. Taking the hand that Jonghyun and Minho reached out to me, I stood up and properly greeted them this time.

 

If anything, they were my close friends. The one I can run to when something bothers me. “I brought food since oppa said you were rehearsing starting this morning.” I said and pointed to the food that Onew and Jonghyun was already inspecting while Minho went to get some drinks.

 

“Do you have a schedule later?” Key asked me. Aside from my dongsaeng, Taemin, he was the closest to me. I shook my head and he just nodded. Knowing what it was all about. “Manager hyung can Eunnie spend the night at our dorm?” I heard him asked.

 

“Of course, but make sure that you sleep early. You have an early schedule tomorrow for your comeback.” Taemin let out a whoop, excited that I would be spending the night again like any other days before. Their company never minded about things like this, maybe because he was little brother.

 

Playfully I tackled him under the crook of my arm and messed with his hair. The thing he hated the most. “You brat, Jungmin umma has been bugging me all week saying you don’t go home often anymore.” I continued my assault on him.

 

“I told him I was busy.” He squirmed some more and finally broke free. I grinned as I reminded him about the special day coming up next week, making him promise to free up his schedule before then.

 

 “Do you have any schedule tomorrow morning?” Key asked and handed me a plate of the food I brought. Chuckling at the way the others were now busy feeding themselves, more probably starved from too much dancing.

 

I mentally scanned by mind to remember if I have any schedules and shook my head. “None, I have today and tomorrow off.” I saw him nod and told me to finish my food.

 

The ride home was a bit chaotic for a lack of a better term to call Onew making weird jokes, Jonghyun singing in ridiculously different pitch, Key singing along and nudging me who was also being nudged by my brother Taemin as instructed by his coach Minho.

 

“Noona since you’re free why don’t you watch our show tomorrow? Please” My brother who-is-prettier-than-a-woman wrapped himself around me.

 

I would have loved to watch them play on stage. It’s not that I don’t get to see them on tv, I do – a lot more than intended or else I’ll get it from Taemin and Key. But it has been a while since I saw them perform live and see the results of their hard work every single time. Being in this industry was never easy.

 

But then I remembered that you.

 

You would be there, and so will be her.

Both of you were having your comebacks in Inkigayo.

 

A part of me wanted to see you but another part was yelling no. “O-okay I’ll go.” I said so that my brother would stop his endless whining. I guess looking at you from a far won’t hurt. Beggars can’t be choosers right?

 

Yes beggars, cause right now, I’m begging for you.

For your attention, for your love.

 

“He can’t Taeminnie.” Key spoke up and placed an arm over my shoulder, squeezing them lightly. He knew.

 

Onew ruffled Taemin’s hair who pouted upon being rejected. “Youngsaeng-hyung issues?” He asked and all I did was nod. They knew me too well.

 

“All the more to go. Show him what you got noona.” Taemin bounced and hugged me like he usually does, full of energy and warmness. “SHINee got your back, especially me.”

 

I patted his back and refused to cry over this. I was tired of crying every night when you don’t come home. It seems like all I ever felt this past month was sadness, hurt, and emptiness.

 

After some time had passed the boys finally settled for the night with me bunking in Key’s room while Taemin went off with a grudge to sleep in Jonghyun’s when the older ordered him to. “You can cry now. No one’s going to see your face in this darkness and I’m the only one that can hear you.” Key’s voice shook me out of my trance. I laid still on my brother’s bed.

 

“I was serious before. If hyung can’t make you happy, I will.”

 

I bit my lip as a tear fell down my cheeks. “Eun Ha what happened to us?” Key asked and I wanted to refuse to answer but knowing him, the inner diva he has would explode and demand not to be ignored. “Nothing Kibum. Just that we decided that staying as friends than lovers would benefit us more.”

 

“Well said Best Friend.” I heard him shift in his bed. “Remember the offer is still open, if tomorrow you don’t want to stay with hyung anymore, I’ll run away with you. Arasso?” This time I let out a series of chuckles as he demanded in what seems to be his unique way of comforting me.

 

I gave a low hum of agreement and soon enough I heard him stand up. I couldn’t help but smile when he pulled covers on me. “Good night Jagiya.” It was dark inside the room but I could still make out the playful wink he gave me.

 

“Good night Kibummie.” I whispered and closed my eyes.

 

He was right. I was happy with you. Happily in love with you. But then she came.

My mind wondered then.

You didn’t even call me like you said you would.

Did you even come home tonight?

Did you even know I wasn’t home?

Were you with her?

Cuddling next to her the way you did to me before?

 

Tomorrow I’ll see you.

That irresistible smile, angelic voice, playful eyes. . .

I’ll see my boyfriend again tomorrow

…with her

 

 

 

“Noona you have to watch me dance alright? My 10 second solo is daebak!” Taemin began pestering me as soon the van pulled over. I just nodded my head to make him quiet down since we need to run to the back door of the music station to avoid the sea of shawols lingering in front.

 

We were all having fun goofing around and singing the sangtae song when Onew miraculously trip over nothing in particular. My cheeks were burning hot from laughing until I heard a distinct boyish laughter.

I looked forward and there you were, walking a small distance from me with her. Her fingers curled around your arm, leaning over as she laughed over something you just have said.

 

I felt my throat gone dry and heavy. Hearing and seeing you two together were different. The impact was too great to even try to compare them.

 

The boys greeted the two of you along with me. It took all the courage I had to bow down and greet with a fake smile on my face. No one as in no one other than the SHINee boys (and Jungmin-umma) knows about us.  You bowed back together with her in response. Seems like you were helping her out rehearse from the lyrics you two were holding.

 

“By the way, Eun Ha, this is Eun Jung.” You introduced her and I somewhat managed to force a smile and bowed a little. I was raised to be polite after all.

 

“Nice to meet you Eun Jung-sshi, I’m Park Eun H—“ my introduction was cut short by a squeal coming from her and a sudden hug.

 

“Park Eun Ha known as the ace choreographer of JYP. I can’t believe I’m meeting you in person.”

 

Huh? I was confused and so were the rest including you.

 

“Oh sorry!” She released the tight hug she had me in. “Park Eun Ha, twenty three years old, Heo Youngsaeng famous best friend and –“ my heart bled in the words best friend.

 

“the new model of Vogue and VOGUE GIRL!”

 

Oh that’s why. I mentally concluded why she seemed to know me well after recalling the recent photo shoot I had the other day.

 

“I totally fell in love with this month’s collection because of you. The cosmetics you endorsed got me addicted especially the bb cream. It looks so natural yet stunning on you. I’m envious.” The way she spoke animatedly made me chuckle.

No wonder she got your attention. She was lovable, a true darling.  

Her mere presence was eye catching, sparkling. Was that why you fell for her?

 

The small encounter was ended to my relief when her manager called for her. She bid her goodbye not before she insisted on me calling her unnie and a promise to shop together.

 

How could I hate her? She was just too. . .adorable.

 

“Eun, why are you here?” You spoke up and locked eyes with me. I felt a shiver running down my spine.

I’m here to watch my boyfriend support another girl before he performs.

 

“He’s with us hyung.” Key placed a hand on my back, the warmth comforting me a bit from my frozen state. That or the way he spoke to Youngsaeng in an informal way and harsh tone did. “I asked noona to watch me perform.” Taemin seconded and held my hand with a smile.

 

“Jinki get the boys in here. We need to style your hair!” One of the stylist unnie called out from SHINee’s waiting room. The four of them went inside but Key stood still at my side. I glanced at him only to notice he was having a staring competition with Youngsaeng.

 

 

“Kibummie I need to talk to Youngsaeng for a minute.” I patted his head and assured him that I’ll be back soon. He reluctantly left with a final look at me saying he’ll be waiting.

 

Once he was out of my sight I glanced at you and saw the way you tilt your head to the side.

Motioning me to follow you.

 

I always hated this feeling.

Of you hiding me in the eyes of the public.

 

I stopped when your shoes stopped walking, the only thing I had been looking at as we walked. I raised my head and realized we were at a secluded area, a staircase to be exact.

 

You turned around to face me, pinching your nose to cool down and exhaled loudly. “Sorry Eun, I could never really get along with your ex.” You explained and tucked your hands inside your pocket as you leaned on the wall. “So Vogue huh? Why didn’t you mention you were modeling for an international known magazine?”

 

I watched your stature, how long has it been since I was this close to you? “You were never home. . .” I whispered hoping you wouldn’t hear. But you did.

 

“I’m busy Eun, you should know that by now?” Your tone was suddenly harsher.

 

I stayed silent. Listening to my heart break into pieces again.

 

“Listen Eun, I need to go and prepare. I still need to put on some accessories and a suit. I’ll see you later at home, okay?”

 

You were about to turn and leave when I got the courage to speak.

 

“S-Saeng. . .” I stuttered a bit but fortunately you heard since you turned back and look at me with a question in your eyes.

 

“Did y-you c-come home. . .last night?”

 

The way you lowered your head was all the answer I need.

You didn’t come home.

The promise make up dinner never happened.

And what was more ironic was that you didn’t even know I wasn’t home either, right yeobo?

 

“Y-Y-Yeobo.” I saw your eyes grew wide in panic.

“Eun, someone might hear you!” You look sideways to look around us if someone did.

I bitterly laughed inside my head.

My heart was now officially crushed but I need to know one more thing.

So I have to get my act together.

 

“Saeng, I need to leave tomorrow for a photo shoot in Jeju. I’ll be gone for a couple of days. Can we have dinner tonight?” I lied.

 

I just needed to know.

 

“I can’t Eun. I need to record my songs for the special album tonight.” You replied apologetically.

I still had to try right?

I was still hoping.

 

“Please Saeng, just this once…” I pleaded in a desperate tone. I didn’t care. I can’t live like this anymore.

I reached out for your hand but you dodged it.

 

“We can always have dinner once you get back. Don’t be such a child Eun Ha. Work is work, you know that. We have to set our priorities.”

 

I felt my heart dropped down to my stomach.

A dulling pain spreading across my chest.

Priorities? Was she your priority now?

 

“Please.” I half whispered but you turned your back already. I watched you walked away. From me. From my love.

 

That lie I told was what I had left.

That I was wishing that even for just a night you would be mine.

That you would be mine for just tonight when I tell you I will be leaving.

 

But you were so sure that I was definitely coming back.

That I would come running at your beck and call.

 

I sat down, my knees refusing to give me any support as tears cascaded one after another.

Tears that you won’t see as you coldly walk away without a second glance.

Because you were only looking at her now.

 

I sobbed quietly just like how I did on my birthday.

No matter how many times I whispered and cried come back.

You didn’t.

 

My heart can only take so much Saeng.

And at this point, it had taken so much already.

 

I fished out my phone from my bag wanting to call Key but a name card falling beside me got my attention.

 

I remembered the words the owner of the digits told me.

When you feel that the whole world had just betrayed you. Call me.

And at this moment, the world just betrayed me.

Cause you were my world Youngsaeng.

And now you have turned your back on me.

 

“Hello?” the line picked up and I couldn’t help the sob that escaped my lips.

“Eun Ha is this you?”

I held the phone tightly to my ears before answering.

“T-the whole world just betrayed me.”

 

 

 

~~~~~~

A/N:

and then this evil writer finally updated!!

 

haha you'll forgive unnie right? Since i made it extra long as an apology. . .

 

now now i know you are hating our bad boy prince right now but if you were my previous readers then you sure are expecting a twist and surprise right? watch out for that! haha. . .

 

Xin~