I Just Can't
I Can't Handle the Truth
I brutally bit into my arm, threatening to tear the skin, as I tried to muffle my cries. We had just been in the studio while Bom was recording and I had just run out. I had felt that familiar lump form in my throat and my eyes began to burn. I ran to the nearest bathroom before the tears could fall. My breathing was erratic and I couldn't find anything to hold on to so that I could keep myself steady. Instead, I slid down to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest, still biting my arm.
"Are you okay, Minji-ah?" Chaerin asked.
No I wasn't okay! I started to cry harder but kept the noise level down. I don't think they knew I was crying since I just ran out at random. I didn't even know why I was crying.
"Hey! Minzy!" Bom was calling my name now.
I still hadn't responded. They were getting frantic now and started pounding the door with their fist. I lethargically withdrew my teeth from my arm and looked at the damage done. It wasn't too bad. Nothing some Neosporin and bandages couldn't fix. Tears were still streaming down my cheeks but the worst was over. My breathing had relaxed and I began to clean the wound. I had completely forgotten about the people outside the bathroom door until I heard arguing. What the hell?
"Just go upstairs and wait for me! I want to talk to her," Dara said.
The other two immediately protested and it was hard to figure out what they were saying because everyone was yelling at once. With every single one of them being stubborn, I knew they wouldn't be coming to a conclusion anytime soon. After I had run out of tears, I pulled my hair back and splashed cold water on my face. I almost started to cry again because the cool water felt so good on my burning face.
I sat on the floor again and closed my eyes. Now for the hard part. What had caused this breakdown? I honestly had no idea. Time to retrace my steps: We had been in the studio while Bom recorded. What more is there to it?
Dara and CL had been sitting beside each other on the couch, and I had been pacing the room. I hadn't really been paying attention to what was going around me, just focusing on the sound. That was easier for me to do without sight so I had paced with my eyes closed. I had opened my eyes once because I had heard giggling.
CL had her face buried in the crook of Dara's neck and Dara was biting her lip to keep from laughing. I glared at them, but soon went back to my previous state.
I sang along with Bom and then something processed in my mind. It wasn't really relevant to that line in the song, but something clicked inside of me. They'd been holding hands. I opened my mouth to sing again but that's when the lump formed. That's when my eyes burned with tears. That's when I ran out.
"Jealousy?" I silently scoffed.
I'm jealous? Well there's a first time for everything, right. There was a soft tapping on the door. I had been so deep in thought that I didn't even realize it had gotten quiet out there.
"Who is it?" my voice was shaky when I spoke.
"Me,"
It was Dara, of course. She was the person I wanted to see least but my heart ached for most. I got to my feet and opened the door.
"Can I come in?" she shyly asked.
I stepped back to allow her access into the small bathroom. She closed and locked the door behind her and stood with her back to the sink. I tried not to the think about the small amount of space between us, but we were practically standing on each other. My eyes widened when she grabbed my face.
"Have you been crying?"
I looked away, ashamed. "No," I lied.
"Yes you have!" she forced me to look at her "Your eyes are red and puffy!"
"I, uh... Hi?"
Her eyes narrowed but then softened, "What's wrong? Why were you crying?"
She placed her hand on my shoulder and an image flashed in my mind. That was the hand that Chaerin held. I jerked away from her and walked out of the bathroom.
"We should get back before the others start worrying." I was expressionless as I walked down the hall.
Gosh I felt like an . I didn't want to be mean, but I had to keep her as far away from me, emotionally, as I could. If that meant just not communicating with her unless necessary then that was what I'd do. I refused to answer the other members' questions and I had to restrain myself from going to comfort my Dara when she came in the room looking like someone she loved had just died. Gosh I felt like an !
All my feelings of guilt left when Chaerin led her out of the room. I wanted to cry again.
"Maknae," Bom pulled me into her lap and I laid my head on her shoulder. "What's wrong?"
I sighed, " I don't know, Bommie. Why keep stressing myself over this? Over her?" I looked towards the door and she followed my gaze but then turned her attention back to me.
She placed a hand over my mouth, "Hush! Regarding her, I don't know what to say except that you should've gotten to her first."
I resisted the urge to bite her hand.
"But I want you to know that there are other people who would love a chance to be with you, so don't be selfish." she finished, avoiding my eyes.
I thought about it for a second and went to look out the window. What a big hint. The other two came back in and we continued with our scheduled activities. I tried my hardest not to show my negative emotions. I feel like it worked because soon we were laughing and playing like normal. I didn't forget about what Bommie said though.
Don't be selfish. She had no idea how selfish I could be if I didn't care about them so much. I wanted so bad to have Dara to myself. I wanted her to be mine and mine alone. I wanted to have her hold me and comfort me when I needed it. I wanted to be able to kiss her and hold her hand whenever and no one be able to protest it. I wanted to sleep in her arms every night because that's when I felt safest. All in all, I just wanted her to love me.
I had loved so many people in my few years of life. I loved my friends, family, and group members. Hell, I even felt like the cashiers at grocery stores were my siblings and I didn't know any of their names. If that's how I feel towards strangers, just imagine how I am in a relationship. Needy of course. Is it really so much to ask that they return what I give them though? Was I giving too much for them to handle? I wanted someone to love me back for once.
It was very selfish, yes. Dara was already in a relationship with one of my closest friends. I couldn't take that from them no matter how lonely I felt. I was just waiting patiently for these feelings to pass because I knew they would. They always did.
The fact of the matter is that I'm a selfish person, especially with my friends. This time it just happened to be her. I knew the feelings would pass but I felt like this wouldn't be the last time I encountered them.
When everyone was leaving the next day to start with their schedules, I procrastinated and stayed back a while. I wasn't in any rush since the commercial I was going to be in didn't need me until noon. I went to the park with Dara and we walked on the track, chatting and laughing like we normally did. We finished up our exercise and went back to the dorm where we were still alone. What kind of sick joke was this? Testing my self control and loyalty. I was just sitting on her bed texting when she randomly blurts out, "I'm sorry!"
What the hell?
She seemed to read the look on my face and continued, "I'm sorry that I upset you yesterday and I hope that you aren't too mad at me anymore,"
She stood in front of me and bowed her head but didn't look up.
"You seriously think I'm mad at you? I was just upset yesterday, that's all. Maybe even a little bit jealous," I was embarrassed.
I thought that my being jealous was ridiculous in my head. Just imagine how it sounded out loud.
"You were jealous of me? Is the world coming to an end or what?" she rolled her eyes.
We both started laughing and hugged to make-up.
"I'm so sorry for making you feel bad, Dara." I apologized.
"It's okay! Really," she said, relieving me of all the stress I was feeling at that moment.
Then she tried to pull away from the hug. I just wanted to be able to embrace her a little bit longer, so I didn't let go.
"Maknae," she whined.
I looked at her and her cheeks were tinted with red. I leaned forward and she seemed stupefied. Wild, yet unreadable emotions showed in her eyes the closer my mouth got to hers. I brushed our lips together but didn't kiss her. She had to be willing, so I waited.
She finally cleared and shakily said, "I have a girlfriend," it was practically a whisper.
I was disappointed, but I would be lying if I said I was surprised. I knew she would be loyal. I sighed and brushed my lips across hers again.
"I know," I released her from my grasp and grabbed my bag.
"Walk me out," I demanded but still managed to smile.
She smiled radiantly back at me and we began walking. I would just have to face the facts: she wasn't mine, she was loyal, and I wanted something I couldn't have. I don't even think I would be able to treat her right if I did have her. Oh well though. I made many jokes and laughed as we walked to the parking lot.
We finally reached a halfway point where I could watch her as she walked back into the building and then I could just go to my car. I strutted to the vehicle with my head held high and my confident smile on. I was preparing myself mentally for this breakdown that I was about to have when I got into the backseat.
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