“I think we should break up.”

When those words left Jongin’s mouth Kyungsoo felt like he could just fall and die right there and then. He should’ve known this would never had lasted. Someone like him, and someone like Jongin just don’t mixed. Kyungsoo should have never let his feelings progress the way they did. But he couldn’t help but fall hopelessly in love with that boy. And look where it got him.

Having his heart torn apart by one simple sentence.

“W-What?” he asked, not quite understanding what was happening at the moment.

Kai sighed deeply before he crossed his arms over his chest, like he didn’t even care about the other’s feelings.

“I said, let’s break up. It’s just not working.” He explained rather bluntly. The older tried to forget about the tear that was already strolling down the side of his face.

“Why?” he asked, and Jongin replied with a straight answer.

“You’re just not good enough for me.” As he said that, the whole of Kyungsoo’s world fell around him, but he didn’t say another word. All he did, was turn around and walk away, leaving Jongin there.

Kai sighed, feeling a little bit of relief inside when the other left his sight. He felt free again, and that feeling couldn’t be better. Nowhere inside of him did he have an ounce of regret about what he just did, there wasn’t one pitiful tear rolling down his face because their love had just ended

And sometimes, that’s just how relationships work.

They fall, and crash and burn, and that’s what happened.

Kai turned and began walking back to his own home, a small smile tugging at his lips. He didn’t feel good about hurting Kyungsoo – they had shared so much between each other – but he no longer felt suffocated. No longer felt exhausted by trying too hard just to keep the older happy, just to keep the relationship going the way he wanted. Kai was supposed to be the dominate one in the relationship, but Kyungsoo liked everything to go his way only.

There was no point anymore, there was no meaning to them being together, without Kyungsoo’s knowledge they had completely turned away from each other.

And Kai no longer felt angry at all.

He was free.

…

‘I thought I would easily forget about you.’

But he couldn’t. The dancer didn’t understand why, he had no clue what was going on but he knew one thing.

Kyungsoo was constantly on his mind.

A day goes by, all he could think about was the older boy.

Two days go by, his big eyes fall into his mind.

Four days go by, his gorgeous smile would appear.

One month had passed, there was no difference.

Two months go by, and Kyungsoo was still there, like a virus or a plague that Kai just couldn’t chase away. It was stuck there, all thoughts of that boy was stuck to his mind.

Images of the times they spent together flooded his brain and body, and he couldn’t help but relive the moments over and over. They were so distinct that Kai sometimes forgot that he wasn’t with Kyungsoo anymore. But then reality reappeared and he remembered that it was his fault.

Whenever Jongin thought about that boy now, he cried. Soft crystal tears fell down his face whenever that image entered his head, and he couldn’t stop it, nor could he think of a reason for his abnormal sobbing.

It happened every single time, and it hurt him.

What was he supposed to do?

…

‘I meet fine girls all the time.’

Jongin let the girl kiss his neck as he stared at the ceiling of his bedroom, trying to at least enjoy the pleasure he was receiving

The girl was hot – she was blonde, had huge s and her was absolutely amazing. This was a girl that Kai should be majorly attracted too. But for some reason he just couldn’t enjoy himself.

He had taken her home the instant he spotted her at the club, he knew that she was completely his type and he could tell she would be great in bed too.

Now, she was taking off his trousers, and he was staying completely silent.

Kai just hoped she wasn’t about to complain.

Flipping her over, he pounded into her with rage and other emotions he couldn’t pin point, but one thing was for sure.

This wasn’t pleasurable at all. No matter how loudly the blonde girl moaned and no matter how tight she was, there was no enjoyment in ing her.

Because of one stupid, ing problem.

All thoughts in his head turned back to Kyungsoo.

That’s all he could see, not the hot girl, only him.

And it was ing killing him.

…

‘Getting wasted was becoming a regular thing for me’

Kai gulped down the next shot on the table that was in front of him, not even caring that he had no idea what was in it, as long as it was alcohol, it was fine by him. The bartender cheered him on as he took the next shot and threw it down his throat without a single problem.

He had gotten used to this.

Gotten used to drowning in drink to rinse away his problems. Gotten used to drinking until he literally went crazy in the head. It helped the pain – it really did.

Shot after shot was thrown down his throat, ripping it apart but Jongin didn’t care, as long as he could feel and think about something else.

The drink was a passage to the calm lands, the place where he could forget about all of his problems and indulge in ones that only consisted of bringing girls home to and getting into bar fights.

And that’s all the problems he wanted.

It was all the problems he needed.

And he could deal with these problems easily. They could be fixed, mended.

Unlike something else.

That something else couldn’t be mended so easily, it was going to take a long time, and Jongin didn’t even want to fix it, he was content in telling himself that all he wanted to do was drink till his heart burst from the alcohol.

That sounded like an absolutely great plan.

But the more he got drunk, as the shot’s hit the back of his throat and slid down to his stomach creating aches, Kyungsoo’s smiling face would get clearer in his mind.

Until it felt as though he was right in front of him.

He just couldn’t ing forget him.

…

‘Why doesn’t the pain fade as time passes by?’

So many days have went by again, and the image doesn’t disintegrate at all, if anything it becomes more vivid, and Kai finds that every single second of every single minute of every single hour of every single ing day was filled with Kyungsoo’s smiling face.

Maybe there was one thing he should be glad about.

That it was a nice picture of Kyungsoo.

Another couple of months go by, and the feeling hasn’t disappeared.

He doesn’t know how long he’s going to be able to handle this.

It’s just so hard.

…

‘I screamed my head off one morning, making a decision.’

Kai couldn’t stand it anymore. There was just no way he was going to be able to stay like this for much longer.

Every moment he was constantly thinking about his ex-boyfriend.

It’s supposed to be the other way around. But no, Kai’s mind thinks it’s rather hilarious to torture him every second. But he can’t stay like this for another single day, it’s too hard.

He’s completely sick and tired of this.

Kai groaned loudly, and he screamed one more time, glad that he was alone in his house as he had this epiphany. The dancer started to pace around the room, knowing that he couldn’t take this anymore, he couldn’t even spend one second without him.

…

‘I’ll find you.’

Jongin was determined to find him again, he wanted his love back. Even though he had no idea what he was going to say to the boy he had hurt intentionally, he just wanted him back in his arms. He was going to find him and apologise and beg for him to take him back. That was what he was going to do.

Whether it was going to ruin his pride or not, he didn’t care.

Kyungsoo was his love, and now he knows just how much that means to him, he was going to find his love again, somehow, he was going to show everyone what he thought about the doe-eyed boy, and especially, he was going to show Kyungsoo just how much he loved him.

That love, that he only truly realised now, was going to be shown.

And Kai swore inside that he was never going to lose Kyungsoo again after this.

He knew one thing was certain.

He was going to have Kyungsoo.

‘I will have you.’

Kai hoped.

…

Running to the street where he hoped to find his beloved in, he hastily knocked on the door, eager to go and apologise then confess his love.

The door was opened by Kyungsoo’s mother, who eyed him suspiciously, although Jongin couldn’t blame him for that at all.

“What is it?” her tone was harsh, but Kai could care less.

“I need to see him.” He spoke desperately, he had already waited too long to do this, it had been four months since he last spoke to and seen him. The older woman sighed but stood to the side, letting the younger dancer in the house he knew pretty well. Kai ran up the stairs, aiming for his ex-boyfriend’s room, standing directly behind it before he brought up his fist and knocked on the door a couple of times.

Maybe he should’ve thought about what he was going to say first.

When the door was opened, the expression on Kyungsoo’s face was hilarious. Kai would’ve laughed if he wasn’t in the given situation. But he was here for a reason and he was determined more than ever now.

“Can I come in?” he asked, desperately hoping that the other was going to say because if he didn’t, he’d never get a chance like this again.

Kyungsoo nodded slowly, and stepped to the side to let the younger boy in.

Kai sighed when he was back in the room that had become his second home, inhaling the sweet scent of the boy before he turned back to face him.

“Kyungsoo, we should talk.” After talking, Kyungsoo was still looking at him like he was alien.

“…Why?” the other finally spoke up, and Kai realised that he had really missed hearing the other’s voice.

“Please, just let me talk.” Kai pleaded, walking closer to him but not too close to cause the other anymore discomfort than he already felt at the moment. The doe-eyed boy nodded slightly and took a seat on his bed, placing his hands on his knees as he waited for Jongin to start his speech.

Kai took a deep breath and walked in front of the other, closing his eyes before opening them again and finally speaking.

“Kyungsoo, the first thing I want you to know, is how deeply and truly sorry I am for hurting you.”

When those words left Kai’s mouth, Kyungsoo looked even more clueless, so Jongin took that as a sign to continue.

“I don’t know what I was thinking when I gave someone as perfect as you up. Maybe that’s what I needed. To lose you just to realise how precious you are, and how much you mean to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, everytime I was with someone else, or was drinking, or even when I was just lounging around, you were in my mind. Your big beautiful eyes, that gorgeous smile, you in general. I’m so sorry Kyungsoo.”

After Kai finished his big speech, he took a deep breath from the strain of spilling out all of his emotions in one go. It caused his heart to ache, and the worry of what the reaction was going to be was killing him too.

Kyungsoo sat still, not saying a word for a while but Jongin couldn’t blame him.

He hadn’t expected him to reply so quickly anyway, he had to let the information sink in first.

A couple of minutes passed, and the dancer was a little bit worried at the silence now.

“Kyungsoo?” he whispered, hoping the other was going to give a sign that he was alive at least.

Kyungsoo finally looked up at him, and Kai could see the other was crying, and he hated it. Only being there for five minutes he had already made this beautiful boy cry.

“Jongin… I hate you.” Kyungsoo whimpered, and Kai could feel his heart drop to his feet as the reaction that came out was the worst scenario he could even think of at this point.

“…I-I’m so sorry.” Kai replied, his voice considerably lower than before.

Kyungsoo stood up again and looked at Kai face to face.

“Do you really think like that?” he wondered, careful with the distance between him and his ex. Kai nodded slowly, that was the truth. “You hurt me so bad Jongin.” Kyungsoo reminded him, and the younger felt the hurt multiply inside of him.

“I know, and I don’t deserve you. But if I don’t have you, I’ll go crazy.” He admitted, falling to his knees on the floor as he felt himself crying again, because he was so sure that Kyungsoo was lost to him, that there was no way of getting him back now – not that he deserved him anyway.

Looking back up, he noticed Kyungsoo was just staring down at him with pity.

He didn’t need pity. He just needed him.

Waiting, he noticed Kyungsoo shaking his head.

So it’s a no.

Kai shouldn’t have expected any other answer. Of course it’d be a no. The pain he had put the older through was tremendously unforgivable. He knew that, but he still had to hope. All he wished now, was that Kyungsoo moved no happily, even if he himself wasn’t able to.

Standing up, he looked at Kyungsoo and smiled as best he could through his tear ridden face.

Turning around, he left the boy’s room and sauntered down the stairs and straight out of the door, not entirely sure of where he was going.

The sunlight soon disappeared and the streets were cloaked in a black veil of darkness, but Jongin really didn’t care. He had no idea where he was either, all he did from Kyungsoo’s place was walk, no matter where, as long as he was away from him he felt a little bit better that he couldn’t intrude the other’s life.

Noticing a small park, he walked over to it and sat on one of the swings, placing his feet firmly on the ground as his hands slid into his jacket pockets before he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the swing chain.

Moving slightly forward and backwards, he felt as though with every swing each emotion drifted away from him, it was heavenly really. So he pushed himself higher and higher, closing his eyes and pretending he was flying through the air where there was no one to hurt.

Around five minutes later, he opened his eyes and noticed a hooded figure in front of him, watching him closely, making Jongin feel a little uneasy. As he slowly came to a halt on the ground, he pushed himself of the swing and approached the stranger, speaking loudly but calmly.

“Do I know you?” he asked, trying to see if he could recognise the man or at least get a glimpse of him.

“Kai.” That voice was definitely familiar.

Hell, it was the voice he was imagining all day.

“Kyungsoo?” he asked, and the other let his hood fall down, revealing that it was in fact, his ex-boyfriend.

“Yeah, it’s me.” The older whispered, moving a little closer to the dancer.

“What are you doing here?” Kai asked, not that he objected to the other being there, it was just hard to completely forget about everything when the source of it all was standing right in front of you now.

“I want you back.”

Those words that came out of Soo’s mouth. It must’ve been a sad trick pulled by the gods above that just made Kai think that he actually said that. Because there was no way.

“W-What?” he stuttered, because honestly he was so utterly confused.

“I want you back. I accept your apology.” Kyungsoo explained, moving up to Kai even closer and putting his hand in Kai’s pocket, half to keep his own hand warm, but the other to feel Kai’s hand again.

“You… do?” Kai wondered, he was just stunned. Kyungsoo nodded.

“Just, let’s start slow, alright?” The older asked, and Kai instantly nodded like a little child. To be honest, he would probably agree to anything at this point.

“Yes, yes!” he shouted, grinning wider than either of them thought was possible.

“Okay.” Kyungsoo stated, smiling back at him.

As they walked hand in hand down the dark streets, Kyungsoo spoke up once again.

“Why did you come apologise?” he asked, holding Kai’s hand tightly.

The younger smiled and answered immediately.

“Because after all this time, I was determined to have you. I couldn’t get you off my mind.”