It was too much.

He had to get rid of this overwhelming feeling crushing his chest with an invisible strength.  The state he was in, or the state he had made himself slowly drift into suddenly became too much to bear. Who, in his right mind, would want to spend another week in his separated from the rest of the world room, who would want to accuse himself of crimes never committed, who would want to be listening to these muffled voices in the back of his head for yet another week that, day by day, had been whispering beautiful nothings into his ear, telling how much of a loser he was?

The moment he had closed the room’s door and sank in its sweet darkness was an impulse. Not that he was weak, he simply couldn’t stand people, not to mention the close ones, throw trash at him by every occasion possible, accusing him of loving someone simply unavailable.  The strong attraction he had been feeling towards Wu Fan for some time now, a simple ,kind guy in his early twenties, suddenly became a topic of ridicule spreading among Yixing's friends and even family, and eventually he received the tittle of a fool that believed love actually existed and was able to make him happy.

Of course, Wu Fan didn’t know, how could he? Among all other men present, Wu Fan was someone so perfect yet at the same time so distant, it one day became obvious  Yixing had no chances in capturing the man’s heart. Adding to the misery, Yixing's ‘friends’ never failed to inform him how pathetic this one-sided forbidden  love looked like in their eyes. You’re not good enough even if he liked men , they kept on repeating, why would you even try? You like suffering this much, Yixing?

Yixing’s biggest wish was just to be happy, was this too much to ask for? Yet no one seemed to understand, no one seemed to care and Wu Fan, he, he was busy living his perfect life in which the word sadness seemed non-existent. At that time separation was a manifestation against everything and everyone, yet  Yixing couldn’t care less.  What’s the reason for going outside, when everything you could receive was blunt pain?But even so, even if the world, the people around him enjoyed hurting others with a mercilessly kind smile plastered to their lips, he didn’t regret anything. He couldn’t let them break him anymore. Being closed, far, far away from this fake thoughtfulness for a few days helped to heal his wounded soul a bit, or at least ,he thought, it eventually will have to.

But then ,unexpectedly, these few days developed into a week, then another one, and then one more, and Yixing slowly started to forget there was world outside, a colorful and loud one, filled with smells, sounds, objects, and, humans, and by that time Yixing wasn’t sure anymore if that was what he really wanted.

Looking around the room that was empty, a room so small and cold that one wouldn’t have even associated it with a young, handsome man, he started to realize what he had gotten himself into.  Was he trying to kill the feeling for Wu Fan or was he trying to slowly kill himself by refusing to face all his fake friends and oppose to their  faulty opinions? Four white walls and a small bed in the corner suddenly stopped being his best friends, the ones he felt secure around for the past 4 weeks. Instead, step by step, that room became a trap in which Yixing couldn’t function normally, he couldn’t think anymore.

What he observed during the next 5 days were voices, somewhere there in the back of his head, yelling, whispering, crying and laughing at him from time to time, repeating in between some incoherent blabber those four words he was afraid of his whole life, the words he was afraid to hear from Wu Fan’s mouth:

You are not worth anything.

The sixth day, after having struggled to keep weird thoughts away from him and failed attempts to somehow silence the inner scream of hopelessness arising within his soul, to clear his so much abused all by himself mind, he couldn’t take it anymore. The voices were telling him to stay where he was because there was no happiness outside, he had no one to get back to, and if he leaves , he will die, unable to face the reality.

You are not worth anything.

STOP IT!!

Clutching his pulsing head with sweaty palms and eyes shut closed so tight it literally hurt, he got up and stormed towards the  door, destroying the previously neatly built of an old desk and a pile of clothes barricade covering it. Sometimes it was easier to pretend  that he didn’t care, than to admit it was killing him. It suddenly became too much, he had to  get rid of this terrible feeling, he had to escape.

You are not worth anything!

Yet the voices wouldn’t budge and kept on burning holes in his poor soul and the impact, the mess in his head  too big to handle, caused so much pain already and he found himself a few steps away from losing it, the thoughts of him being  insane for quite some time already abruptly invading his suffering mind. But no matter how hard Yixing tried to be strong and push the intruders away from his head, how many times he refused to listen, how many times he protested, the image of Wu Fan’s face kept on appearing in his head and he couldn’t do anything but eventually scream, his hoarse painful voice echoing among four white walls mixed with the creak of the opening door.

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Yixing didn’t care much about his soaked white sneakers that had been giving him this strange unpleasant feeling for a while now with every step he took on the wet pavement. The day was beautiful: it was raining, heavy grey clouds hovered over his head ready to break and fall down any moment but he couldn’t care less. The wet bangs of his much too long hair stuck to his forehead, their deep dark color contrasting with Yixing’s pale face making him look as if he had just got from under the shower and a little bit sickly. But he really didn’t care about how drenched he was, how  heavy the black jacket felt on his skinny body and how much he will have to suffer when he eventually catches cold.

It was so refreshing to finally be able to walk, breathe the fresh air, look at the green world. After weeks of  arguing with his prejudiced mind and experiencing a slow inner death , he couldn’t feel more than relieved to be outside, to enjoy what the world had to offer him.  Walking around in circles, jumping into dirty puddles , running after floating leaves, he felt free again. Does life make sense now? Am I still so weak?, he kept asking himself ,a smile appearing on his plump, yet a little pale from weeks of avoiding the sun lips. And yes, he knew he wasn’t weak. If he was, he would have gone crazy and who knows, maybe died inside of his room, forgotten? Now, he didn’t care. The smell of rain was too pleasant to continue on bothering his mind with pointless thoughts of what might have happened a long time ago, and so, Yixing kept on swirling around the puddles, dirtying his long-gone white sneakers even more. This time, overwhelmed not with pain, but this new feeling he didn’t notice someone stopping in front of him and taking quick glances upon his dancing in the rain figure.

Yixing looked happy, there was no doubt about it. Smiling like an idiot he seemed to be enjoying the day even if it was one of the crappiest ones. What made him so cheerful? I haven’t seen you for almost two months.. Wu Fan suddenly smiled automatically noticing Yixing’s lifted into the cold air chin and this beautiful smile of his creeping on his soft lips. The last time he saw the younger  was when they had met up with Yixing’s friends. At that time he looked bothered by something  and somehow sad. Wu Fan then regretted leaving him alone among people that, much to his information, weren’t really  willing to accept several  things  about Yixing.  But Wu Fan was more than glad to hear of the younger’s  otherness,  for he himself was  in the same team. 

With wet bangs stuck to his pale face, eyes shut closed and parted in a gentle smile lips, Yixing looked beautiful, more than Wu Fan could have ever imagined. Nobody knew about how fast his heartbeat was when the shorter , almost always clueless- looking  and shy man was around or when his sweet smile caused a sheepish grin crawl onto Wu Fan’s mouth whenever he heard the brunet chuckling, either with or without him. But when he suddenly disappeared, Wu Fan felt as if he had lost a part of himself.  Seeing him now ,overwhelmed with childish happiness, Wu Fan could do anything but smile, his own happiness returning to it’s right place.

Only then, after another too-abrupt spin the brunet tripped over something  that got in between his feet, and ready to meet the consequences of his body hitting the tough ground, Yixing closed his terrified  eyes awaiting the inevitable pain. Yet nothing happened. Instead of scratching his palms against the pavement, his hands felt softness and Yixing found himself clutching onto a black jacket  as if his life depended on it.  There was something familiar about this jacket though, he was almost sure he knew that scent. Yixing’s eyes widened in an instant. Still holding onto the material he dared to look up, but what he saw went beyond his expectations.

Wu Fan was smiling at him ever so gently making Yixing forget about that pair of strong arms hooked around his thinner than ever waist, forget about his ridiculous kid-like dimples showing off whenever he smiled genuinely. Wu Fan’s face was the epitome of god-likeness, his dark eyes , now glancing in Yixing’s wide opened, contrasting with the perfect smooth skin of his and the pinkness of his small lips were enough to make Yixing melt inside and feel a little bit heavier since his legs refused to cooperate a minute ago already. Wu Fan, the perfect man, the man of his dreams, was holding him tight against his broad shoulders, and oh, that smile. Why are you doing this to me? Yixing felt the heat spreading upon the pale cheeks of his, how did this happen? What is he doing here? What am I doing?

-hey…-  the blond said not even daring to break the eye contact, oh how much he missed Yixing’s beautiful eyes. The younger couldn’t help but stutter, his face instantly turning tomato red. Wu Fan chuckled at the sight of the younger’s embarrassment so obvious that it was almost screaming into his face. – you okay?

-ye-yeah..- he sighed and stepped away, leaving the warmth of Wu Fan’s body and bowed his head apologetically  -I’m sorry….. and thank you, I should have been more careful.

The older simply smiled upon hearing the sweet voice he had been missing for so long. That was the reason Yixing wanted to run, far, far away from him, because staying close to Wu Fan was  something he couldn’t agree to no matter how much he wished for it. Once he suffered the enormous pain of unwanted love, or more, he suffered the love he thought was unwanted, and he wasn’t willing to experience it again. Bowing  once more, he decided to leave.However, Wu Fan’s hand was too fast and soon Yixing found himself being pressed against the taller man’s chest, caged between his long and strong arms, speechless and shocked, not sure what was going on around.

-Who allowed you to go away from me like that? -he stated, the gentleness in his voice almost visible. – it’s impolite to leave a guy you like, you know, and it’s even more than impolite to leave a guy that likes you back more than just a little.- Wu Fan finished the sentence whispering into Yixing’s wet hair as he hugged him so tight the later couldn’t breathe. But Yixing couldn’t breathe not because of the tight grip on him, but because of the words he just heard and because of the absurdness of the situation he got himself into again.

-w-what? – he gasped in shock. Too many thoughts, now mingled in his mind, made it almost impossible for him to utter something more than just one simple word as he looked into the older’s eyes obviously searching for an answer, or at least a sign of Wu Fan joking.

-I told you… do you want to leave me all alone  again, Yixing? Because if you do, I don’t think I will be able to function normally.. – the grip on Yixing’s frame tightened suddenly as if the blond man was afraid of losing his precious treasure Yixing was, and the shorter didn’t know what to think anymore.

-but Wu Fan, I’m not worth- … - it was an impulse, Yixing’s worst fears suddenly broke apart and vanished the very moment Wu Fan’s  perfect lips met his in their first, long awaited, sweet kiss, to which they both melted immediately because it felt oh so right, because their lips were meant for each other. Once simple kiss, one simple smile. It was everything Yixing has ever wished for. Suffering doubt and all that pain for weeks, caged in his room, caged with the shade of his fears, he almost believed happiness wasn’t meant for him.  But then there , suddenly, appears Wu Fan and makes all the pain, all the doubt go away, filling Yixing’s hart with pleasant warmth.

-no, Yixing. You are more than good enough-  Wu Fan whispered against the younger’s wet from rain lips- you are worth more than anything in this world to me.

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sorry i don't really know what i was thinking about while writing this, i guess i was as distracted as Yixing xD hahahaha i will get better i promise ;___;

sorry for mistakes once again!