When Junsu came to me asking me about Victoria I was taken aback. I always knew she was pretty, but I never thought that other guys were also looking at her that way. What am I talking about, of course other guys would find her attractive. What makes me so different from other guys to think that she is pretty and expect others not to see it?

Honestly, I didn’t know what I was thinking, trying to play match maker at that time. I guess I dug a hole for myself the moment I opened my mouth agreeing to set him up with her. I knew she wasn’t the type of girl who would easily befriend strangers, but I still wanted to help him. (Or was it to help myself?)

This girl was someone I have loved throughout high school and even now. I felt that I would lose my best friend if she were to ever find out about my feelings; the friend zone is such a difficult position to be in sometimes. I knew it was stupid of me to play cupid, but I did it anyways. I thought that if I saw her being happy with another guy, I would finally be able to give her up and move on; to only see her as a friend. (I think this idea was the stupidest idea I ever had.)

She is normally a really shy girl and not someone you can easily befriend, but once she’s your friend she is the loyalist friend you will ever have. Even though it was hard, I used a lot of persuasion getting her to meet Junsu. When she finally agreeded to meet him, I told her “I was glad because he’s a good guy. And who knows maybe you guys will end up together.” I didn’t know why I said it, but hearing it from my own mouth made me sick. He is a good guy, but if I say I wanted them to end up together, I’d be lying to myself.

After introducing them to each other, I told them it felt good playing cupid. Although I said it felt good, my heart felt like a hurricane just ambushed it. Seriously do I really think that I am doing this for my own good? It doesn’t seem like it at this moment. Before Victoria left, Junsu asked for her number. When she told him it was too soon to exchange numbers, I wanted to jump up and say “hallelujah.”  

Geez, why am I being so contradicting about this. I want her to get a boyfriend so that I can move on, yet I am so happy whenever I see her rejecting others. I think I’m going to need help in the future if this is how I am going to act, when it comes to love.

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Junsu came to me today saying how Victoria had been rejecting his countless offers for dates. Although I told him I’d help him get to know her better, inside I was jumping for joy knowing she had rejected him. Seriously, why do I constantly help him when it makes me so happy knowing he got rejected? Can you say sadistic?

Junsu has been bothering me lately. He has been constantly asking me when do I intend on helping him get closer to Victoria. Geez kid, I told you I’d introduce you to her, but I never said I’d be your wing man. Whatever.

The constant nagging was put to a stop when I invited Junsu to eat at our table during lunch. From time to time after that I even went out of my way to invite him to a few group gatherings outside school. After a few invitations, I stopped asking him to join in because I felt I had done a lot on my part already, but guess what?  He started to invite himself to hang out with us. What the heck, seriously?

Yeah I know I am being a douche, but I can’t help it. I know I was the one who had agreed on setting him up with her and all that jazz, but seeing him constantly flirting with her annoyed the hell out of me. I especially wanted to punch him and tell him to keep his hands off her, while talking to her. Since when does talking to someone involve touching them all over? Even though I was mad, I couldn’t tell him off. I was just merely her friend and I had no rights over how others interact with her. God, this .

Lately Junsu has been going around bragging about how he and Victoria are finally hanging out alone together and how he had finally gotten her number. Although I told him I was glad his efforts these past few weeks were finally paying off, inside I was swearing like no body’s business.

I didn’t expect her to give him her number. Ha, what was I thinking? Of course she’d give him her number, he has been hanging around her every day and they’ve gotten closer these past few weeks because of this. Lately they’ve been seen hanging out together alone sometimes too.

This isn’t a good feeling knowing that he has her number. I always see him texting her and constantly calling her after practice and during practice breaks. It even more because lately I haven’t seen much of her, since she has been hanging out with him almost every day this week. When I do see her and when she does hang out with us, he would always be there, tagging along. Damn that annoying brat, Junsu, monopolizing all her time.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I dug my own grave, now I have to go lay in it. I got it. I know. I am stupid and foolish, but what can I do? The closer they get the more it hurts, but I’d rather pick getting hurt over losing her any day.

 A huge sense of rage washed over me the other day when he ate her food. Even though she didn’t feed it to him, he just took a bite of her already bitten food. Who the hell does that? That was somewhat like an indirect kiss. At this rate, I’m going to explode any day now and beat the crap out of him without regretting anything, if he keeps doing these things infront of me.

Victoria called me today asking me for advice about Junsu. She told me how he had asked her to be his girlfriend and to give him an answer on their date tomorrow. She wasn’t sure what she should do so she wanted to ask my opinion. I wanted to tell her, she should reject him and never speak to him again, but then I remembered my place in the friend zone.

I told her a bunch of lies about how it’d be great to date him and what a wonderful couple they’d make. I seriously didn’t know what I was talking about, but somehow I ended up talking to her for over an hour about him. I was even teaching her how to dress, and how she should act inorder to pull him in with her aegyo. Seriously I keep digging a deeper and deeper grave for myself. I hit the deep end when I told her I’d go shopping with her tomorrow to pick out an outfit for her date with him.

The next day we went shopping together with Dara and her boyfriend, Minho. I tried to act excited and happy about her date, but at this point I was just hurting inside. It was getting harder and harder for me to keep my feelings a secret and I’m afraid that at this rate I might end up confessing my love for her one day, if I can’t keep my emotions under control. Every time she would change into an outfit either me or Dara had picked out, I would find her so cute and y, but then I would remember that this outfit wasn’t for me, but for her date. I began to feel a sense of jealous and rage taking over me whenever I think of this.

I keep trying to convince myself that if I confess my feelings to her, I might lose my best friend and I don’t want to lose her, but it’s getting harder and harder to convince myself of this. The fear that had once kept me from confessing has now been taken over by jealousy. I honestly don’t know how long I can hold off my love for her anymore. The more I look at her the more I can’t help, but fall in love with her all over again.

During dinner, Dara got on my nerves. She kept talking about how great Victoria was and how Victoria’s future boyfriend is the luckiest guy in the world. What annoyed me the most was when Dara told me that I was stupid for passing up a chance to date a great girl like Victoria, instead I was pushing her to someone else and one day I’ll regret it.

I know I was stupid for introducing her to him. I know I am even stupider for helping him get her. I knew how stupid I was being all along the moment I agreed to help him. I don’t need ‘one day’ to feel regret, I already am feeling a great sense of regret already. I don’t need Dara to tell me this, I already know. Geez.

I wonder if Dara saw through my mask. I thought I hid my feelings really well, but did Dara find out about my feelings for Victoria? Thinking that my cover was blown, I said something senseless. I told Dara that Victoria would never like a guy like me, and that’s why I introduced her to Junsu because he was probably a better choice compared to someone like me. And besides, I didn’t like her that way.

After those words left my mouth, I realized I shouldn’t have said it when I saw the expression Victoria had on her face. It was a mixture of hurt and sadness, which made me regret ever opening my big mouth. There are some things that you can’t take back and this was one of them.