“It’s normal for GD to be lonely cos he’s an artiste and that’s his job”

Jiyong stared at the comment and read it over again. He felt fine just now, completing his second solo album, having had those preview interviews about the individual songs. The comment made him uncomfortable for some unfathomable reason.

GD. G Dragon.  G ing Dragon.

A name he found so apt for himself.  A name and now persona he was finding harder to put on lately.

Jiyong read the comment again. What was this about?

Ah, the Missing You preview video. He remembered feeling a sort of peculiar vulnerability during that particular session. Having never actually watched himself in shows or interviews, he wondered at the comment.

His fingers drummed on the table anxiously, trying to decide if he should watch it now.  He reached out to his pack of opened cigarettes, his fingers always needing to touch, do something when he was thinking.

RINGGGG RINGGGGG

Jiyong reflexively pulled his hand back and flipped open his phone.

“Hyung! Jiyong hyung! It’s me! Do you miss me? What are you doing hyung? I miss you! What are the rest doing hyung? Why are you not visiting me hyuuung!”

Jiyong chuckled at his dongsaeng’s enthusiasm and speed chattering.

“Ri are you doing well there? Behave yourself there Ri. And don’t say all sorts of things about me and the others there. You know what I warned you about.”

“Aish hyung stop nagging already. Hyung I’ll send you a new song I found here hyung, you can use that as your ringtone, stop using that boring ring ringtone. I miss you hyung and I miss the food there hyung. Do you miss me hyung?”

Jiyong felt a sudden exhaustion from Ri’s constant questions and declarations of missing him and talking about other things he felt were inconsequential in life in general.

“Hyung! Are you listening to me? Have you and the others been having fun without me there hyung? I’m so lonely here hyung.”

A sudden rush of melancholy filled Jiyong; perhaps he could talk a bit more with Ri. Ri seemed a bit more mature lately now that he was on his own.

“Ah hyung! Sorry hyung, I need to go now! I have to go over the script for tomorrow’s show! Don’t forget to watch the Sakigake show we did together hyung. Hyung! I can’t wait to see you again! Bye!”

Jiyong slumped down on the bed, feeling absurdly rejected that he was ready to talk to Ri and was robbed of the opportunity. His hand accidentally touched his phone again, and he frowned at the offending object. He should never have taken that call. He now felt dejected. He smiled wryly, shaking his head at the thought that he nearly had a conversation with Ri about his feelings. He seldom shared his personal feelings and thoughts, least of all, with his dongsaengs.

This made him think of the comment again. Ah, the video.

Making up his mind, he slipped on his headphones and sat down on his chair to watch it.

“..I was nervous and didn’t really deliver the right words to her.”

Jiyong clutched at his hair, pulled at it aggressively, got out of his chair and kicked his bed.

What the ing hell was that? Why did he say those things? He cried? And screamed? Alone? What the was he thinking? Was he thinking at all?

Up until this point, he had never let those thoughts out to the public. He always maintained his cool, and when he was honest, it was all about his music, leading the group, but always about the music. He kicked his bed again. A slight movement caught his attention and he saw Gaho moving in his sleep at his spot beside his bed, and which up til now, was undisturbed.

Feeling guilty, Jiyong grabbed his pack of cigarettes, threw on a hoody and headed to the rooftop. The only place where he can let go and nobody could witness it. Except in his room, where he apparently told the whole world, he cried and screamed in, alone. .

Letting the door leading to the rooftop close on its own, Jiyong lit up his stick, leaned against the railing and looked out at the night sky. He inhaled deeply, feeling the nicotine hit him and he relaxed a little, feeling light headed from the mix of the outside chilly air and the cooling menthol hitting the back of his throat. He chewed on his lips, starting to dissect the reason why he was here in the first place.

So he was right, he had felt like his skin had grown thin these days, pouring his soul into his songs, selecting the emotions to fit, wanting everyone to see that he was G Dragon, the one and only ing G Dragon the man, no longer the boy he was 3 years ago. So much so that, he was so on edge and eager, he picked up several different styles and made sure they were together in one album.  When he was with Teddy hyung conceptualizing what would become Crayon, he embodied the crazily on edge feelings he had been harboring deep inside but they seeped through and he decided to let them all out. He wanted everyone to see it too, picking out the scenes in the music video, a final mix of jarring images and colors.

Jiyong flicked aside his spent cigarette, reaching out for the next. So why was he so bothered that they could finally see how he was as Kwon Jiyong as he is in that video? Jiyong started biting on a thumbnail, starting from the edge and right through to the other side. He wanted them to see this side of him. That he had become a man with a strong individuality, that he could miss someone so desperately, in different ways, that he could and would always obsess over matters to do with his heart.

It struck him then. He wanted to show them that he could be like them, like an ordinary person dealing with heartaches. But he didn’t want them to know that real desperation of loneliness he felt because he had never felt touched by anyone so deeply that he could connect with their souls. He had to bear the burden of being the leader and he could discuss member or technical issues with Yang sajangnim but he could never share the true feelings of worry for every single thing each member did or planned to do, how he felt so sick at heart when they left Ri in Japan, when Seunghyun looked more and more tired with his filming sessions, when Bae worked to the bone for his solo material, and Dae; he never knew what Dae worried about, and that made him even more worried.

Remembering his worries for the members made him sit up and forget about his own. He shook his head, as if the action could fling away the anger he felt at himself for saying those ridiculous things. He would work this out as a way to show his Jiyong-ness, maybe talk a bit about his previous relationships in the next show. It would be a good strategy to show how he could connect to the fans personally and be an excellent way to promote his album.

Right now, he was G Dragon, because Kwon Jiyong had to remain behind, he could, no, would not let himself break apart from a mere slip of the tongue. G Dragon can do and say anything he wants. G Dragon had to be Kwon-leadah, the only side of Kwon Jiyong that should be seen by the fans.

Nodding to himself, Jiyong slipped back into his room, smiling when his eyes fell on Gaho, sleeping soundly. Kwon Jiyong will only be Kwon Jiyong in here. Kwon Jiyong will step aside for G Dragon out of this sanctuary, not because he wants to, but because he needs to.