The sound of her phone ringing broke the peacefulness of her evening.  She was alone again tonight having been informed by jiyong that he will be meeting other bigbang members for a guy's night out.  She immediately press the answer button without looking who's calling her.

"Yoboseyo?"  she said

"Dara noona, taeyang here" the guy on the other line says

"Taeyang, something's up?" she asked

"Nothing noona, I just want to ask if GD's there.  Been calling his phone but I can't get through.  Seems his phone runs out of battery."

She tightened her hold on the phone and instead of answering taeyang questions, she inquired "Where you at taeyang?  Are you with your other members?"

"Yeah nonna, all of us are here at the dorm. Why?" 

She closed her eyes and keep her calm before she  said "Nothing.  Umm Gd is not here, he said he'll be meeting friends for some guys night out."  

"Oh okay then nonna.  Sorry to disturbed you."

She simply said "It's alright taeyang.. "

"Thanks noona and goodnight"

"Goodnight too and bye" 

Dara was lying on the bed, crying.  It was hard for her to sleep and can't help not to think of what has transpired earlier.  As her tears fall, her mind raced to conclude a  hurtful truth....she was lied again....made a fool again....and have been put in a corner blinded with truth once too many times again.  There's a big lump clogged at which make her mutely cried that causes her heart  to constrict more....She balled her fist and pound her chest hoping it will lessen the pain she's experiencing.  Her mind screamed Stop and Enough but she can't....she can't for her heart is just too shattered.  Her heart, it merely feels and it doesn't think.

She's still wide awake when she heard the bedroom door opened.   She lied still and didn't face the person who have just arrived.  The other side of bed moves and felt him lied beside her...felt his arms held her waist and pull her closer...felt his chest at her back...felt his lips kissing her shoulder but those gesture doesn't mean a thing to her anymore....it was just a familiar gesture she used to receive most of the night and that always happened when he comes home drunk.   It became his habit just to drop his body on the bed knowing fully well that she would rise up from sleep no matter how tired she was just to fixed him but not this time...and when she heard him snore, she immediately remove his arms and scooted herself farther away from him.  Her thoughts flew to a loud evidence of his escapades and it made her feel so disgusted...made herself pitiful....and worst, he made her hate herself.

She woke up early and leaves the house soon after she fixed herself.  She didn't do 'her usual morning routine for him' when hangover strikes...didn't leave any messages to him, it's not a matter of 'her' forgotten about it but more likely 'she' intend not to do it.   Is she really guided blinded by love....that she walked and lived with her eyes closed to reality.   She sighed once and a hanging question lingers on her mind 'does he really love me' coz for an obvious reasons, 'she is doubting it now'.

She tried to live her day as normal as possible.  She busied herself with work and tries to think of what she would do after. ' If he's having his fun then why can't I'.....and I'll show him how to do it better', this was her thoughts while planning to go out tonight and just have fun with her friends.  She didn't pick up his call nor answered his text and she didn't even bothered to leave him a message.  Ignoring is the most hated word for 'him' but it was exactly what she's doing.  Why, you may ask......'because she wants him to know how it feels to be ignored'.

DARA's POV

It was intentional on my part to go home much later than him, it's not because I am avoiding any confrontation but it is more of 'making his worst my best'...  I'll return every little thing he's doing in ten fold which only means "What he can do better, I can do best."    I made my way to our bedroom and saw him sleeping or so I thought.   I took my bath and dress myself in pajama.  I went out of the bathroom only to be greeted by jiyong's word.

"Where have you been?"  I could tell and felt the anger in his word but I don't give a damn....why? because I'm not taking nor giving anything tonight.

"I never ask you whenever you goes out...so spare me the question jiyong." 

He suddenly stood up from his sitting position and said "What the hell are you talking about?"

I ignored his questions and walk to the side of my bed when he suddenly hold both of my arms.  I harshly tapped and removed his hands and said "I'm dead tired jiyong so let me have my sleep now.  I still have work early tomorrow so please let go." 

I didn't hear any response from him as I laid down on the side of my bed trying to widen the space between us.  I close my eyes and hoped that sleep will visit me soon.  Tonight wasn't any night, gone was the dara who selflessly devoted herself, helplessly loving someone to the extent of hurting her ownself and worst, losing herself.   For from now on,  'I will not let my eyes close....without  seeing the ugly truth and confronting it.

I woke up early despite sleeping late last night and I'm quite surprise to see jiyong up about too.  We looked at each other but didn't utter a single word not even our usual morning greetings.  I wanted to let out a bitter laugh but doing so right now will only make the situation at its worst.  I immediately went to the bathroom and did all things needed to get ready for work.    I was about to leave the house when I heard him said "Will you be back early tonight?"  That question is not something I used to hear from him maybe because he got used to a fact that I will just go straight home after work and would wait for him to arrived.  I look at him in the eye as I answered "I might or might not be."  I know I gave out a very confusing reply but I don't really know what time I'll be back home considering that I still have to plan what I'll do tonight after work.  Yes, I will be out again and that's not what he needs to know.  I'm not lying to him for I'm not tellin.  Guess, I just want him to live sometimes in the dark too.

Gone was the usual goodbye as I abruptly turn my back on him and leave.  I let out a sighed once I reach my car.  I looked back at the house with a heavy heart...knowing that everything about me and jiyong is about to fall apart.   You may ask why I would let it happen but will you consider also why I should not. Relationship they say were always 'give and take' but what would you do....what will I do....when it is I who is always at the receiving end of taking.   Taking all the pain in this relationship.....was that worth fighting for?

The day went by as normal as other days I was at work....nothing significant...nothing new happened.  I received a text from jiyong telling me that 'he'll be busy working tonight and should not wait for him'.  After reading his text,  I tossed my phone inside my bag as I drove myself to the club my friends and I decided to hang out tonight.    It's been awhile that I step foot in this kind of places.....I set aside some things I used to do to because I thought 'changes is needed' once you have a man in your life.   I did change and so does he only it slapped at my face hard.  I am trying to get hold of my old life back...enjoying the company of my friends and for once in a long forgotten time, I let myself let loose.   I'm dancing the night away as if I'm trying to shake off every unwanted feeling inside of me.....enjoying the company of myself that I missed and neglected too much.    I, for once, did not watch and count the hands of time religiously....time for this night does not matter....it was not important as what he is to me.

I wasn't able to drive myself home in a state of stupor for being drunk that  a friend decided that I should just stay at her house for the night, this will the first among the others that I've done since I lived with jiyong.  Am I doing the right thing is not the question one must ask....it should be 'what wrong had I done to be living like this'.  Let me be myself tonight for once this night is over and morning came....I will face every demons with him.

Separation and leaving him doesn't cross my mind even once before nor the situation we are in right now.    Seeing his car parked at its usual place, its not inevitable to see what's coming.  Strengthening the heart and clearing the mind, I prepared myself like a soldier going on a battle.  This is it, the moment where everything has to come to its end.   The moment I step inside the house and saw him sitting in the living room, the calmness I tried to show off broke.  He was there looking at me and giving me the death of silence.   Having been dressed in yesterday clothes that stinks with cigarettes and sweat made me turn my back on him to take a needed long bath but at that moment as well he broke his silence...

"Where the hell have you been?"

Without paying him a glance, I said "We'll talk later jiyong" as I went my way to our bedroom.  Different kind of scenarios were running inside my mind but each were directed to only one direction....heated conversation-----ugly confrontation=====breaking up.   I smile bitterly at that thought as splashes from the shower hit my body.  As I went out of the bathroom, I found him sitting on the bed waiting for me.  I place myself infront of my vanity mirror and look at him in my peripheral vision.  I let out a heavy sigh once before I begun to speak out "Let's talk."

I saw him look my way and said "Where have you been last night?"

"Club" a close ended answer i could muster

"With whom" he ask through his gritted teeth

"Friends" my short reply

I anticipate him breaking with anger with the kind of answer he's getting from me and that when he yelled, I didn't flinch nor startled.  "What the hell is wrong with you. You went with your friends to a club, came back only this afternoon without even letting me know.  The hell dara...what the hell"

If its for other reasons, maybe I would feel he's probably worried but thinking of all the hatred bottled inside...nah..he's more likely pissed off.  I smirked at him "thought you wouldn't care to know" as I shrugged my shoulder telling through gesture that it wasn't a big deal.

I saw a bewildered look on his face...confusion lacing his voice as he said "What?"

I gave him a bored look as I say "You heard me jiyong, I thought you wouldn't care to know.  It's not something that you didn't do anyway.  Have you thought of me during the nights that I was left alone in the house....or how have I been.  Did I ever crossed your mind when you're having fun with your friends while I'm here waiting for you.  So jiyong, give me reasons even one not to think that you cared."

 My words might have caught him unguarded as he was taken a few minutes to reply "But I always comes home everytime I went out.  You always sees me beside you sleeping.  Isn't it enough proof that I cared....that I still know who you are to me."

"Should I say my thanks then because you still comes home...to see you sleeping beside me.  Then thank you jiyong for coming home...I'm so happy for that privilege of sleeping beside you...for taking care of you when you too drunk....for seeing those lipstick stains on your clothes....and all my thanks to you too for the lies you're weaving.  Thank you so so much."  Keeping myself from crying while letting go of my emotions is not easy.... the pain in my heart... the tears that want's to come out and most of all him.   

The tears welled out from my eyes uncontrollably as I balled my fist trying to hold in it all the emotion.  I snapped when I saw him walk towards me "Stay away from me jiyong.  Losing myself in loving you is not worth it when it only brings me pain...but I do take half of the blame for I allowed it but enough is enough....I had enough jiyong.   You and the pain taught me to hate myself and what I'm doing right now is bringing back myself...my self worth, respect and love that I deserve. You failed me to give those but I failed more for I expect it from you.  

When he dropped his head and muttered "i'm sorry",  it was in that moment that I completely lost hold of all emotions.  "DON'T. Don't you say that ing word.  You don't know what it meant jiyong coz if you knew, you will feel sorry just before texting me a lie...you will feel sorry for making out with different women at night....you will feel sorry for making those things noticeable and you will feel sorry for what would I feel...but NO...you don't know the meaning of that word.  So don't say that word without meaning it."

          ======================THE END ============angel104 signing off==================

A/N I will be back this week to update some of my stories.