That Bystander

oneshots
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Bystander

 

"... Please..... No" I started to tear up

"To late " she said pulling my hair

"I... I don't even know what I did wrong?" I said in between sobs

"You ing retard, you don't know?" she started  

"Ya" a mysterious figure said

The bully turned around

"Who are you?" she asked chewing her gum like a cow

"You don't need to know, now leave her alone"

"Why should I listen to?"

"Because I'm not afraid to hit girls" He looks up, showing the bullies his demonic eyes

"l-le-let's go, t-this gu-y is a freak" the bully said with tears in her eyes. She ran and until the bully and her friends were out of sight, neither Savior nor victim said anything.

"Thank you" the girl said

"It’s no problem" the boy said about to walk away

"Hey wait!"

"Huh?"

"Name?"

"Huh?"

"What's your name?"

"Aren’t you afraid of me? Don't I look scary? And why would you talk to a stranger? What if I was a " the boy said quickly, turning around again to walk away

"But you’re not; my name is Eun seo what’s yours?"

The guy stared at her and then blushed "H-Hyukjae" he whispered

"? Huh?" the girl said

"I-I'm Hyukjae" he said nervously

"Nice to meet you Hyukjae-shii" Eun seo said holding out her hand out, Hyukjae shyly shook her hand

"..."

"Hey hyukjae-shii, how old are you?"

"I'm 18"

"Really me too, what month"

"April 4"

"I'm a month younger than you May 28"

"O-Oh" hyukjae said rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand

"Looks like we go to the same high school" Eun seo said taking a better look at his clothes

"Ha-ha yep"

"Can you walk me home? It's dark" she asked

"Yea sure" hyukjae said trying not to be to unemotional...

On the walk home they got to talk about many many many things, turns out that Eun seo has dance class with him, but since she’s so lazy she doesn't go to class. And they are actually in the same home-room too but usually hyukjae is

"Then I'll see you tomorrow at school Hyukjae"

"You can c-call me Eunhyuk"

"Okay, bye" she said smiling

"Bye" eunhyuk said after watching her enter her home

 

----On the way home-------Eunhyuk POV---

 

To Donghae

I finally got to talk to her \(^o^)/

 

From Donghae

What did you talk about?

 

To Donghae

Random stuff… Do you think I have a chance? I'm not good with people and you know that, and plus you've had a girlfriend before right? Can you gimme some tips?

 

From Donghae

Sure, dude congrats let's go out to the usual hangout with the other guys

 

To Donghae

I was just thinking about that

From Donghae

Haha great minds think alike, Then let's meet at 3:30? (´・_・`)

 

To Donghae

Sure, are the others free?

 

From Donghae

Yea, im gonna go ask them right now

 

To Donghae

Okay then bye~ see you there at 3:30

 

Hmm it’s only 2:38, so I have a couple of minutes to get ready and everything.

☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆\(//∇//)\ I'm so happy I got to talk to her. I've always liked her but since I'm not that popular and apparently scary looking I don't have a lot of friends at my school other than Donghae.

I remember meeting her like it was yesterday but It was actually six years ago when I was 12, I met her at a dance competition and she almost slipped, but since I was next to her I saved her. I looked into her eyes, and instantaneously I fell in love with her chocolate brown eyes.

Then four years later I was walking home and I saw her crying on the streets, I ran up to her, recognizing her at once. I asked if she was okay and she said she was lost, I asked her where she lived and then I walked her home. And now we go to the same school, were in the same home room and we have another class together. Usually I don’t like school but after finding put that she was in my class; I came everyday just to see her.

I checked the time and it was ready 3:20, I put a post it note for my mom telling her I'll be at a friend’s house and ran out the door.

About seven minutes later after running as fast I could, I got there

"teuki-hyung wookie isn't letting me play star craft!!" our maknae Kyuhyun said while pouting (he's so cute)

"Ani- hyung!!! Kyuhyun won't let me watch my drama" Ryeowook wined

"Can I have my computer back?" Sungmin said looking impatient

"Andwae" Kyuhyun and Ryeowook said at the same time

"Ya Kim Heechul I told you to try it!"

"Andwae"

"But you said you wanted to eat this earlier"

"Yea but you weren’t fast enough"

"I swear you guys are like a bunch of 4 year olds." I sighed

"HEY GUYS EUNHYUK IS MOVING AWAY!!" Donghae said trying to get everyone's attention

"BWOH"

"Ya it better be near here"

"Does that mean-" Kyuhyun didn't get to finish his question since he was cut off by Donghae

"He has something to tell you guys"

"Did he get a girlfriend?"

"Oh. So close, yet not close enough"

"Eunhyuk tell us what happened"

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Comments

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KeyLovaSHINeeForeva
#1
Just Wondering:

Is this like a place for you to write general summaries of story ideas in story-form one-shots to make all of them multi-chaptered stories in the future? xD
KeyLovaSHINeeForeva
#2
Chapter 2: Comment For "Is It Worth It?":

I actually have little to no commentary for this one-shot. For some reason, it feels as though it's an actual diary entry from you yourself (the author). (The dialogue clarifies that, though.) The flow here is much more satisfying than the rushed pace of "That Bystander", and is more understandable and legitimately captivating. If you just add in a little bit more detail, I can se this becoming a wonderful one-shot loved by everyone who's read it.
KeyLovaSHINeeForeva
#3
Chapter 1: If you really wish to use the kind of POV you're using right now, I suggest you change the narrator between each chapter, but the style you're writing in is extremely difficult to master, therefore it would better suit the story if you wrote in third-person omniscient.

Lastly, I would like to address your setting/time skips. Obviously marking them with tildes and dashes is like a small cheat for the author, and a noticeable annoyance to the readers. Rather than doing just that, it's preferable for both you and the audience to inform the readers of the setting change/time skip through sentences. It doesn't interrupt the flow (if the rest of the story is already written properly), and avoids undesired tense changes.

Remember: You're in full control of the plot, characters, and flow. You should totally know what you're doing even before you start writing.

---

I apologize that my commentary is always filled with criticism. If you want me to stop, just tell me. I know I'm being really rude.

Well, that's my comment.
KeyLovaSHINeeForeva
#4
Chapter 1: Comments For "The Bystander":

I like your idea of a relationship forming based on someone standing up for a bully-victim, but the storyline itself is too complex to fit into a single one-shot. Maybe if you shortened it to just Eun Seo's bullying history and Eunhyuk standing up for her that one time, it would fit a one-shot just fine, but seeing as though you wrote down their entire history in one chapter makes the plot fit for a multi-chaptered story rather than a one-shot. As a result, the flow is completely rushed, and subsequently, us readers don't receive enough writing from you to understand the characters' feelings that quickly.

Furthermore, you tend to both explain the storyline and elaborate on emotions by using dialogue. As written in my comment for Jennifer's story, this is not a good thing. You need description and detail for things to actually have depth (and this does not mean going off on a tangent explaining what the O.C. is wearing for the day). Instead, I recommend that you search deeper into the minds of Eun Seo & Eunhyuk until you are capable of writing several profound paragraphs of how they feel each chapter, and how they react accordingly.

As far as POVs go, I don't actually have a problem with switching first-person narrators within a story, but I DO have a problem with the interchanging POVs being obviously marked, completely putting us readers off track. First Eun Seo reveals to us her thoughts, then we're suddenly placed in a completely different setting and mind (Eunhyuk) with a blatantly marked "Eunhyuk's POV". We (readers) think, "What just happened? Why are we suddenly in a different world? It doesn't really flow right." Like I stated earlier, I wish for this to be a multi-chaptered story.