Dear lord, please give me your blessings to be selfish tonight.

 

 

I pulled myself away from her embrace and looked down at her tear stained face. I knew she was crying as much as I was. I heard her.

 

 

Could a face with red puffy nose be any more beautiful? I wiped a tear away and took her by her hand.

 

I pulled her towards the door and locked it.

 

I did not answer her questioning eyes but simply led her to my bed. I was not strong enough to even look at her.

 

“Stay with me tonight,” I said when we reached the bed.

 

“Ugh?” As I expected, the ‘reindeer caught in the headlights’ look came onto her face again. 

 

“Until I fall asleep,” I said reassuringly. I did not want her to think I was taking advantage of her.

 

I lied.

 

I knew she would probably fall asleep first before I do. I did intend to take advantage of her tonight. I wanted the advantage of holding her tight while we both sleep. I did not want her to sit by me and hold my hand like she previously did.

 

No. I consciously wanted to tuck her beside me and have us fall into deep slumber together. Forgetting all our troubles and what the tomorrows might bring.

 

Lord, I prayed again, I know this is highly inappropriate but I seriously did not want to sleep alone tonight. Or rather I seriously need to have her by my side tonight.

 

Silently, I pushed her down to sit by the edge of the bed. I knelt down to take her shoes off, which she struggled to pull away, of course. But firmly I did it anyway, leaving her socks intact.

 

“I’m too exhausted to wash up tonight,” I looked up to her finally and told her. “I just want to sleep.”

 

At her silence, I kicked off my shoes, shrugged my jacket off and pulled the duvet away.

 

I crawled onto the bed to the far right side of the bed and pulled her to join me.

 

Despite her still doe-eyed expression, she actually climbed in after me; and I tucked her safely in the cocoon of my embrace. 

 

I have come to the conclusion that I am not letting her out of my life. She was mine. It was her fault anyway. She came to me first. So, now, I am not letting her go.

 

Even if her days here at Genie High were numbered, she would still be mine when she left. Whether she went back to the States or stayed here in Korea, I would find a way to be with her.

 

I knew that she was slowly accepting that I like her and she has never made it a secret that she hero worshipped me. But I believe that, she too was acknowledging that she felt for me more than a mere idol – perhaps as a dear friend and possibly something even more.

 

But I also knew that she still thought that I thought she was a boy - which was probably why she was holding her feelings in check. 

 

For me, whether Goo Jae Hee was a boy or a girl, did not matter anymore. Honestly, even if Goo Jae Hee was a toad, I would still be in love with her.

 

She would be my personal grungy little toad. Which is really good, since no one really wants toads, then I would be able to keep her all to myself. I found myself smiling at the thought and I tightened my hold on her.

 

Seriously, who am I kidding? She was a beautiful toad. And if the boys found out that she was a girl, all hell would break loose. Either they would torture her to death or clamour for her attention like the deprived beings that they were. 

 

Well, over my dead body, I would say. From now onwards, I would not hide my feelings anymore.

 

I want to spend all my waking hours with her, if not sleeping too.

 

I want her to stay with me while I practice; and run her track events with her.

 

I want to have all my meals with her; and take Sung Choo for his evening walks.

 

I want to follow her as she does her laundry like a lost puppy; and fold the laundry together while we chat.

 

I want to take her on photography dates and eat century eggs together.

 

 

And now, I seriously do not care if people do eventually find out her true gender. Perhaps, it will also be for the best. Then, we can decide upon the next phase of lives together.

 

The only thing I will regret, though, was not having her as my roommate anymore. I have grown to depend on her. Physically and emotionally; and I just cannot imagine not having her around at Genie High anymore.    

 

Hence, tonight I did not want us to be separated by that silly cylindrical staircase.

 

I wanted to hold her tight and comfort her for all her worries as how I want her to comfort me for my sadness.

 

The silly girl would probably think I was seriously gay, but what the heck, it will be over soon enough; and she will soon know that I knew she was a girl all this while. Imagine the gall to ask if I found that male model picture attractive?

 

Within minutes her gentle snore told me she was asleep and I was free to roam her face as how I wanted to.

 

Everything about her was beautiful. From the tear stained cheeks to the pouty mouth I so badly wanted to kiss. From the little mole on her nose to the fact that her left eye is slightly smaller than her right one. From her long lashes to her cute boy haircut. Each little imperfections were perfection to me.

 

 

I did not know when I actually fell into slumber but that morning I woke up earlier than before.

 

I woke up to find her still tucked on my left shoulder with my arms around her. Her own arm wrapped around my waist. If my shoulders were cramped from being her pillow all night long, I really could not tell.

 

I air kissed her nose, fearing she would wake up and have things awkward like the last time we were in bed together.

 

Gently, I extracted myself from her embrace. 

 

I left a post it note stuck on her favourite juice by the bed, telling her I would be at the gym. I know she would want to know where I would be; and in a way, I was reassuring her that I would be waiting.

 

As how I would always wait for her for the rest of our lives.