All I want is for her to be alright. To be beside me when I awaken.

That was all I want. It was simple. I want her to be alive.

“HIMCHAN! I can’t believe you. YOU’RE INSANE!” she screamed.

“I DID NOTHING WRONG!” I shouted.

“SHUT UP! I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!” she shrieked. “WE’RE OVER!”

She stormed out my house yelling profanities.

Over? I couldn’t quite believe it. I threw myself on the couch and stared blankly at the ceiling. She was my everything and she left me.

That night I cried myself to sleep.

12 March 2012

Well, she left me this very night.

My first and last love left me just because of one stupid mistake that I didn’t even do.

What am I supposed to do? She won’t listen to me. She isn’t picking up my calls or answering my texts. I leave her voicemails, begging her to come back. But she didn’t even check.

I still love her though.

-Himchan

It was cold. Cold without her warmth against my body. My life is hell. And being put here made it worse.

I woke up that very same night to sirens. All kinds of sirens from police cars to ambulances.

“What the hell?” I muttered, half-awake, standing up as I scratched the back of my blonde head.

Someone then pounded on my door.

“Do you have anything to say about the car accident in front of your home?” some reporter said, shoving the microphone in my face. She was petite and had a smile plastered on her make-up-caked face.

“What car accident?” I asked, completely awake by then.

“He doesn’t know anything! That’s alright. Sorry for disturbing you, sir. Good day!” the petite reporter chirped and she turned to walk away.

I grabbed her thin arm and pulled her back hard. “What car accident?” I growled. I hated it when people don’t answer my questions.

“It happened at around 10 p.m.” she squeaked, her eyes as big as saucers. “Let me go.”

I released her arm and ran pass her. I saw the paramedics carefully placing a body onto the stretcher.

Jae?

A man stood by them, talking to the reporter. His eyes were widened in fear and beads of sweat dotted his forehead. I watched him, although I could not hear him. My eyes then traveled towards a Ferrari with a dented bumper. I squinted and noticed something on the windshield. Was that… blood?

After a while the man nodded and entered the dented sports car. The pieces started to fall together.

10 May 2012

Another day in this hellhole.

Another day, another therapy, another round of medication.

I’m perfectly fine. I just want to see Jae.

After that night, she never did get back to me.

-Himchan

I didn’t know why I did what I did. I robotically strode towards my car. I noticed a shiny item lying on the ground as I opened the car door. I bent down and picked it up. It confirmed my fears. I shoved the phone into my pocket and drove after the man.

I leaned forward on the wheel as I watched the man’s every move. My black car camouflaged well against the shade under the tree on his neighborhood. I made my way out of the car as he walked in his house. I stuck my hands into my pants pockets and walked to the door. I took out a pin from my pocket and started picking the lock. After I managed to open the door, I slipped in quietly, closing the door behind me. I hid under the stairs as he made his way upstairs. A smirk played on my lips.

13 March 2012

There was blood. Blood everywhere.

I was laughing hysterically and I couldn’t stop.

It was scary. I scared myself yesterday.

His blood tainted my skin and I had wiped it on all his possessions.

I was proud. Proud of what I did.

I think Jae was right. I am insane.

-Himchan

16 March 2012

I went to the hospital to visit Jae.

The nurse said she didn’t want to see me.

I tried to make her allow me to come in the room. But instead she gave me a note and kicked me out the hospital. I have not opened the note yet. I have a feeling it won’t be good.

I am an idiot. Why didn’t I just go after the ambulance that night?

Why did I have to do what I did?

-Himchan

17 March 2012

I tried visiting Jae again today.

The nurse refused to let me see her though.

I left the hospital after scrubbing her blood off the walls and floor.

I was laughing hysterically and I didn’t feel guilty.

I am starting to think that I am indeed insane.

-Himchan

18 May 2012

This is sick.

I hate this place.

I want to get out.

I need Jae.

-Himchan

That little worn book where I wrote short entries everyday is the only thing keeping me company. Jae isn’t here and she’s the only person I trust.

“Himchan, it’s time for your session with Dr. Lee,” the nurse suddenly said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I narrowed my eyes at her. She then looked down and scurried away. She knew what I did. Scratch that. Everyone in this hell knew what I did. I slipped my legs off the bed and trudged to Dr. Lee’s office.

Dr. Lee was beautiful. She has silky dark hair pulled back in a neat bun, big eyes framed with thick lashes, pouty red lips and has a slim body. I would have a crush on her, really. But she’s the queen of this hell and also I have Jae.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Fine,” came my reply as I plopped onto the chair opposite her glass table. I never cooperated with this thing. I gave her one-word answers and soon she would give up and send me back to my room.

She nodded as she scribbled on her note pad. “Alright. Do you miss anyone?”

“Jae.”

She looked up from her notes and sighed. “Not your parents, Kim Himchan? Not your friends but Jae?”

I nodded. “Just Jae.”

She stared at me. “Did you open the note Jae gave you?”

“No.”

“Do you still have it?” she asked as she continued scribbling stuff on the book.

“No.”

She abruptly stopped scribbling on the note pad. “Himchan… I’m very sorry for you loss. I should’ve told you earlier.”

I blinked at her. “What loss?”

She looked flustered. “Um, that must’ve slipped out of my mouth. I meant it for another Himchan.”

I eyed her suspiciously. There was something she wasn’t telling me but I let it slide.

“I guess we’re done here,” I said monotonously.

As I walked out of her office I heard her say softly, “Jae’s dead.”

That night, I tossed and turned; trying hard to fall asleep while a million and one thoughts swam in my mind. Was Jae really dead? Did Dr. Lee really mean what she said?

“I hope you’re still alive, Jae. I hope you visit me tomorrow,” I whispered as my eyelids finally started to droop.

“Himchan. I’m here,” I heard someone whispered, the next morning, in a beautiful voice that sounded like the bells from heaven.

I opened my eyes. It took a while for them to get used to the harsh lighting in the room.

“You’re awake. How are you? I miss you,” the voice said again.

I turned my head over to the side. And there she was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at me with her alluring dark orbs. Her pink lips were curved into her signature smile. Her brown hair cascaded down her back in soft waves. She was beautiful. Always had been like this.

“Jae,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you. My phone broke and I couldn’t have any visitors during my stay at the hospital. I also wanted to keep a low profile. I hope you understand, Himchan.”

I sat up on the bed. The love of my life was sitting there in front of me, unharmed. I wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her in.

“I missed you so much,” I whispered huskily. “I’m not letting you go ever again. I love you.”

“Ditto,” she said with a smile as I pressed my lips against her soft ones.

I could say things were as per normal again.

20 May 2012

She’s back.

I woke up to see her beautiful face smiling at me.

She’s still alive. Alive and well.

It’s like a dream come true.

-Himchan

These past few days, Jae had been visiting me everyday and I would talk to her and show her just how much I missed and love her.

“Dr. Lee would like to see you today, Himchan,” the timid nurse said as she avoided my gaze.

“Can I bring Jae?” I asked, glancing sideways at her giggling self.

The nurse furrowed her eyebrows. “Jae? But she’s…”

“What?”

“Ah, nothing! Sure you can. Quickly now!” she squeaked as she scurried out.

I rolled my eyes. “Let’s go.”

I grabbed her wrist and dragged her along with me to Dr. Lee’s office.

“Hello, Himchan,” she said when I strolled in with Jae.

“Hi,” I replied as I sat on the chair, pulling Jae on my lap. “Jae’s here.”

Her eyes darted around the room. “Jae?”

“Can’t you see her?” That’s strange.

She took a deep breath and said, “Himchan, you’re hallucinating.”

“Hallucinating?” I asked, staring at her in disbelief.

“You miss Jae so much that you are in denial.”

“No, you’re lying.”

“I’m serious, Himchan.”

No, no, no. Jae came back and Dr. Lee had the audacity to tell me that I’m hallucinating?

I stood up. “I’m not hallucinating.”

“You need to accept this reality, Himchan,” she said.

My lips suddenly twitched into a sinister smile as that side took over me. “You too.”

“What?”

All I remember was her piercing scream.

25 May 2012

I am a serial killer. Well, not me. It was my evil side.

That’s what Jae told me.

Dr. Lee deserved what the evil side of me did.

I am starting to think about why I was put in here.

-Himchan

“A doctor from Seoul Hospital was found dead in her office with a pencil wedged in . The police said, after investigating, that it was obviously murder. The fingerprints found on the murder weapon was said to be one of the patient’s and the doctor’s. The patient’s name will not be revealed until this case is officially solved.”

I stared blankly at the television. The patient that the reporter was talking about is none other than I.

“You’re on the news,” Jae said, her lips curving into a smile.

“Whatever.”

Just then, the policemen burst in my room. “Kim Himchan, you are under arrest for the murder of Lee Shinmin, Kim Jungmyeon and Jang Leemin.”

“I dare you to arrest me,” I said bluntly.

The three policemen stared at me, obviously dumbfounded.

“I’m a patient in the mental institution and you’re arresting me?” I continued.

“It doesn’t matter where you’re from. Murdering is serious matter,” the buff one barked.

“I have a girlfriend to attend to. I can’t just leave her alone,” I growled.

“Your girlfriend is dead. Get over it, you little bastard,” a lanky policeman said gruffly. “Now hands up and put them behind your head.”

“She’s perfectly fine. Shut up!” I bellowed.

“Hallucinating bastard. Take him,” ordered the fierce looking one.

I stayed perfectly still as they handcuffed me and dragged me out the room with Jae trailing after us.

I’m finally getting out of this hellhole.

They drove me to prison in a police car. I sat next to the lanky one and on my other side was Jae. The ride was painfully silent.

When we arrived, the lanky one roughly pushed me out the vehicle. He grabbed my hair and dragged me inside. And he calls me a bastard.

“Hello, welcome,” said the person behind the desk emotionally.

They’re welcoming to prison? No wonder hello starts with a ‘hell’. At least Jae was still alive. That’s all that matters.