“Where there is love, there is pain.”

C H A P T E R  T W E N T Y

I don’t really have much to say. It seems like these days, my mind is blank.

It seems like there’s no word anymore in my mind. It’s empty. But then,

when I thought I have no one in my life anymore except my soul, God has given

me reasons not to end my life with regrets. He has given me something precious

which I’ve been aiming for since forever.

       Thank you, God for being fair.

               Park Eunmi knew she had always been a good partner. She had never been selfish. She would always spare her time by listening to what her partner wanted to say. She wouldn’t even dare to actually let her partner do everything. Well, she did know the fact that she was a bossy person ordering this and that, but she didn’t buy the thought of that particular act of hers would actually make Wooyoung to resign. When she was told about the news of him sending a resignation to their boss by one of her colleagues, she had no idea how to accept it. She had never expected this day to come. She wasn’t prepared how to face this. On the outside, she acted as if she knew about this because everyone knew the fact that she was the closest one with Wooyoung. But on the inside, oh God, only she knew how miserable she felt. How curious she was.

               She couldn’t stop things from filling her mind. At the same time, she was frustrated learning the fact that she couldn’t come up with any answer for her question.

               Why did he do this?

               What had happened?

               She didn’t do anything productive today as people kept filling her office and asked her so many questions regarding to the latest news. People assumed she knew. ing assumption which she wished she owned. She knew nothing about Wooyoung. She wished she could answer those questions, just to make herself feel better rather than feeling worried, sad, shocked and frustrated at the same time. But no one knew what she actually felt. No one knew the truth except herself and Wooyoung. Frustrated, she grabbed her things and took a leave for the day and headed towards his apartment.

               “Hello? Anybody home?”

               She knew she was just being polite by asking this first instead of barging in nonchalantly. She knocked for the eighth time, she assumed, and that was it. When she had jumped into a conclusion where she thought he wouldn’t answer her, that’s when she fished out the spare keys which he had given to her during the time when both of them used to spend their times together at his place to finish their overloaded works. She slipped in the key, and turned the door knob and the first thing that welcomed her was a very disturbing smell, which she assumed it’s coming from ripped foods.

               Her assumption was right when she saw a lot of dishes left untouched on the coffee table. There was even a blanket of fungus there. She couldn’t help but cover her nose and using to in the air, even though she knew it would’ve been wise breathing using her nose than as having the thought of the particles of the smell of these ripped foods filling made her feel like puking.

               She tamped down whatever she was feeling as she thought finding Wooyoung was the thing she needed to concentrate more than thinking about herself. The first place she went to search for him was his room. Where else he could be, when he wanted to isolate himself from other people? It must be his room.

               Like what she had expected and prepared to face, the room was messy. The floor was scattered with clothes, sheets, packages of chips, the closet was bare opened and the content spilled all over the place, the bed was unmade and half of the mattress could be seen as no one bothered to get the sheet back to its place.

               But where was Wooyoung?

               He was nowhere to be seen and what had gotten into him that made him to ignore all of these messes? As far as she knew, he was just a normal guy who never liked doing chores but not up to this point, leaving these horrendous messes. Sighing, she tugged the strap of her handbag tighter, just to make herself feel better and secure instead of the other way round as she knew bravery was what she needed the most at that moment. She never knew what’s going to happen next. There might a robber coming out of nowhere and do harm to her. Who knows?

               When she was standing in front of the toilet’s door, she took a couple of deep breaths and it actually took her a moment to gulp before she turned the door knob. Instead of having relief sighs coming out from and nose, it happened totally the other way round. It seemed like the air which she was supposed to exhale was in by a vacuum inside her body when she saw Wooyoung’s body lying still on the floor, with a pool of blood originating from the cut on his wrist. And it got even worse when she witnessed his pale face. His lips were the colour of bruised blue, not like red raspberry, like how it looked like when he’s in normal state. Like how it had to be. She didn’t bother to think what had gotten into him that led him to be like this. What she did was she rushed to him and gathered his thin body in her arms, and that was when she broke into tears when she felt how light he was in her arms because she knew it wasn’t supposed to be happening.

               She did her best to calm down a little bit as she knew being scared and shocked could lead her to act slower than usual. But, she found it hard to do so. She couldn’t think wisely. She didn’t know what to do. Yes, she was prepared to face the mess but not this. Who would have ever dared anyway to imagine bad things about someone else? Especially when it’s come to imagine Wooyoung being suicidal?

               Without bothering to wipe her silvered cheeks, she tapped his cheek lightly, with a hope to have him awake so that it would let her to think he’s still alive, that he would be alright. When he didn’t give any respond, she swallowed the bubble of wanting to scream at the top of her lungs in anger, frustration and depressed. Then, quickly, she reached for her cell phone, calling the emergency number.

               “Don’t worry. I’ll get you some help.”

               The line lingered in her mind from the moment she flipped her phone off until the ambulance finally came and took over to take care of him, what they’re supposed to be doing. That’s when she realized, there’s no way it could happen. She had to worry because she had no idea what’s bound to happen next. She had to worry because she wasn’t feeling having her heart beating fast that it almost came out from her chest. She had to worry because she’s afraid that would be her last time seeing him.

               She just had to.

               When they’re at the hospital, she had no idea what to do. She couldn’t make up her mind where she was supposed to be standing at. What she was supposed to be doing. She was too worried. She sat, and then got up, paced back and forth, sat again and the routine kept repeating. It seemed like it wouldn’t stop if Nichkhun didn’t make an appearance.

               “Eunmi?” he approached her and placed his hand on her shoulder.

               She looked up and she wasn’t sure why her eyes bulged out in surprise. It was probably because she didn’t expect him to come. How’d he know about this anyway? She asked herself. That’s when she suddenly realized she had told him about this matter when he gave her a phone call when she’s in the ambulance.

               “Are you okay?”

               She didn’t know why but her body responded on its own by giving him a nod, even though in real, she wasn’t feeling good. Not even a bit. How could she feel that after what had happened? Before she could remember what she was doing, her cheeks were silvered with her tears. She couldn’t stop them from flowing down especially when she couldn’t have an answer what’s going to happen to Wooyoung. She hated the idea that she didn’t have the ability to know what’s going on in the emergency room. She felt so useless.

               Out of the blue, she felt Nichkhun wrapping one arm around her and pulled her inwards so that she could lean onto him. In her normal state, she would shy away but this time, she remained silent as it somehow made her feel better. And it made her feel like it’s something she needed at that time. Then, she felt his hand rubbing her head, hushing her and telling her,

               “He’s going to be okay.”

               This time, she believed him.

*     *     *     *

               There was once, when Shinah was fourteen, she encountered a scene where she was doing the dishes and when she was trying to put a mug on the upper shelf, it suddenly slipped off her hand. She knew what was about to come. The mug would shatter, of course. She knew it wasn’t a good thing when things break in her house because one thing that would come later was her mom would nag at her, half an hour the least. She would do anything but to have that.

               But, at the same time, she liked when it happened. She admired when she could feel adrenaline hormones taking over her body by dissolving in such a quick manner, when she felt her heart thumping real hard that it almost stopped and came out from her chest and that amazing moment when movement suddenly became slow. She knew she had a chance to reach out her hand and catch the mug before it made a contact with the ground. She knew she could.

               And yet, what she did was she kept her eyes locked on the mug, witnessing its last time. Once it touched the ground and scattered into tiny pieces, it returned to normal. No more slow motion. It was just normal. Like usual. She didn’t remember that she actually smiled when she swept the bits and threw them into the dustbin, never bothered to say one last goodbye.

               All what she remembered was on the same day, she was told by her mother that her beloved grandmother had died. 

               From that day onwards, she believed in karma.

               “Shinah, you’re not going home?”

               She jerked her gaze away from the screen of her laptop to the face of her secretary. She manufactured a smile before replying,

               “Ah, no I’m staying. Too many works,” she smiled.

               “Well, okay then. Bye.”

               “Bye.”

               And then she got back to her work. But this time, it was different. Her mind suddenly went blank. Empty. Nothing. And yet, just now things kept flowing in her mind, bombarding as if they never wanted to leave. Groaning, she reached for her mug and took a sip but it was empty.

               “What a day,” she said to herself.

               Rolling her eyes, with the mug in her hands, she got up from her seat, heading towards the coffee machine. But during the process, her leg got tangled with her laptop’s cable and it caused her to stumble forward, giving a potential for the mug to slip off her hand.

               She tried to reach out, but it was too late.

              Crash!

              Her eyes locked on the scattered pieces of the mug— thinking of what had happened now. And this time, she tried to be prepared because she knew a bad thing was bound to happen next, just like what had happened to her a decade ago.

               She clenched her hands into fists when she felt her hands started shaking. She could even feel adrenaline hormones being transported to every single of her cell body. She bit her lips and closed her eyes real tight, as she thought these would at least help her to calm down a little bit. She never liked when paranoia hit her. It was worst as up until now, she couldn’t find a way to make it stop ruining her because once she started being paranoid, everything would get worst. It was just destined to be.

               “Haneul?”

               She called out her secretary’s name as she thought, it at least would lessen the bad luck if Haneul did the work to clean up the mess but she could hear no reply. It was all silence. It took her two minutes to remember that Haneul had gone home which meant she had to clean up the mess by herself. Quickly, she made her way towards the janitor room which was located at the lower floor and took the things she needed.

               When she was about to sweep, she was stopped when her boss suddenly approached her from the back.

               “God, I almost had a heart attack,” she explained while placing her hand on her chest, breathing vigorously.

               “Haha, I know,” she covered while laughing. Once she’s done with it, she asked, “What are you doing?”

               “Oh, just trying to clean up this mess.”

               “Hey, that’s your favourite mug right?”

               “Yeah.”

               “What a waste.”

               “I know. I was so careless.”

               She tucked the broom between her legs as she was trying to tie her hair into a high bun because she was sure it would be much easier when she’s doing the cleaning task later.

               “So, what are you doing here?” she asked.

               “Ahh, good thing you asked. I might’ve left without telling you the great news.”

               “Great news? What is it?”

               “Well, you see, you know it right, that lovey dovey article you wrote last week was such one kickass article. Really. Everyone loved it. Myself included.”

               “Thanks,” she smiled.

               “So, the upper management actually wanted to give a special column for you!”

               “What?!”

               “Yeah, crazy, isn’t it? There’ll be a column especially for you and what you need to write is all about love love and love, one each week. Isn’t that terrific?”

               “Freaking much! Oh my God! I don’t know what to say!”

               “So, what the upper management wants you to do is next two weeks, or maybe next month, I don’t know, let’s just see when they’re free, they’ll be having a meeting with you and you need to come up with a proposal, something like that, about what you think it’ll be the best for the column in order to make it more interesting.”

               “That’s crazy! I swear!” Shinah exclaimed.

               “I know. Congratulations. But, at the same time, don’t celebrate too much! You need to do the presentation, the research and stuffs, you know it right— it takes a lot of time.”

               “Yes, madam!” she did the salute with a big smile on her face.

               “Oh and, if they like it, you’ll get a raise and get more famous Mrs Awesome but, if they don’t, you won’t get anything, including the column.”

               “Ohhh, okay okay. That’s strong enough to urge me to work hard. I’ll try my best not to disappoint you.”

               After they bid goodbyes to each other, she couldn’t help but jumping in delight— just being grateful of what she had been given. After ten minutes celebrating it by herself, she finally settled down and took a couple of deep breaths and that was when she realized that she hadn’t cleaned up the mess yet.

               Maybe after all, the accident wouldn’t always bring her bad news. She shook her head in a way to tamp down what she was thinking and feeling, she released a sigh and this time, she cleaned up the mess, didn’t even want to miss a spot.

*     *     *     *

               When he was fifteen, he still remembered when he watched a movie where the girl cut herself as she couldn’t stand with the peer pressure she had had to face every day just because of the shape of her body. And the humiliation she got after getting dumped by her boyfriend in front of everyone. The annoyance when her parents and siblings kept complaining about her weight and appearance. When he watched it, one word crossed over his mind.

               Stupid.

               He really wondered why that girl had to cut herself. It wouldn’t do anything but give her more pain to live her life. And it didn’t surprise him when in the end, the girl couldn’t tolerate anymore and when she felt like there’s no other places left for her to cut herself in a way to breathe, she killed herself by swallowing a tremendous amount of pills.

               See? That’s why he despised the thought of cutting yourself. When he saw those news and articles, he couldn’t help but scoffing.

               But now, it’s different. Now he knew why. He knew why people decided to do that in order to survive. He knew why he said they’re stupid.

               Because he wasn’t in their shoes at that time.

               Because he never bothered to imagine himself being in their places.

               Now, it was crystal clear to him. Yes, it did give him pain. He could feel the pain but at the same time, it made him feel better. It made him realize that no matter how bad he thought his life was, seeing the red blood could trig his mind that he’s still alive despite the consequences which he had had to endure. He never thought of ending his live, if that’s what people thought. He’s just trying to make sure that he’s still alive. That’s all.

               He’s just trying to get a proper way to breathe.

               It was still a crystal clear to him when he had put a lot of thoughts about doing it in real. When he stared at his reflection while holding the blade. That feeling when it revealed the red flesh. When the blood dripping from it as if it was never meant to stop. He stared at it, trailed his eyes where the blood flowed and that’s when he felt light, like he was no longer standing on the ground, moving freely in the air until everything finally went black.

               He didn’t know why but suddenly, it felt so painful to him. The pain was coming from the place where he’d cut himself. He trailed his other hand and covered the cut, and that’s when his eyes were opened, welcoming the light which immediately seep through his retina. Squinting, he tried to contemplate the situation he’d gotten into at the same time.

               “Wooyoung?”

               Hearing that, he turned his head towards the direction where it came from and that was when he realized Eunmi had been sitting next to his bed all these while. He couldn’t remember when was the last time he saw her as he hadn’t gone to work for a long time already, ever since the day he met Shinah. But what he still remembered was her face never looked this pale. She looked fatigue and somehow, her chubby cheeks seemed like they almost disappeared.

               “Wooyoung?”

               When he felt her touch, that’s when it trigged his mind. It’d been so long since the last time he had people touching him. He had always been alone. Nothing accompanied him but the lonely air, even it seemed like it never wanted to be with him. As he thought she deserved something, he forced the muscles of his face to manufacture a weak smile.

               “Do you want water?”

               He nodded.

               She got up from her seat and went to pour water for him. When she’s done, she went to him and helped him first to settle in sitting position before handing him the glass. He took a sip and he let himself to feel the water flowing down his trachea and at the same time, moistening his throat. When it had made its journey to his stomach, he his lips in a way to moisten its dryness and that was when he looked at her.

               “You’re not going to ask me what happened?” he asked.

               “What do you mean?” she asked even though she wasn’t oblivious of what he was talking about.

               “It’s okay. I can explain if you want.”

               “It’s okay, you don’t have to. Just take a rest. That’s what you need.”

               “Okay and I think you need the same thing too. Just go home.”

               “But—”

               “Eunmi, I’m a grown up man. I can take care of myself.”

               She looked at him and the scene of him lying on the floor with the cut on his wrist crossed over her mind. Even though she wanted to believe him, she couldn’t. She’s worried if she left him, it would happen again and this time, maybe he’d be gone forever.

               “Oh, silly me. You wouldn’t believe me, eh?”

               “No, that’s not what I—”

               “Eunmi, I promise, I won’t do that. For your sake, I won’t.”

               “But—”

               “I don’t want to hear anything anymore. Just go home and take a rest. It’s not going to be good if you suddenly collapse when you’re supposed to take care of me.”

               She chuckled and then he did the same thing.

               He placed his hand on hers and then he said, “Just go home.”

               “Okay then.”

               She reached for her bag before getting off from her seat. Truth to be told, she did not want to leave him. There’s an instinct telling her it was not a great idea. But somehow, she knew she had to give him some space, especially after what had happened. Moreover, who was she to control his life? She was no one other than a friend— a colleague. She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and then she bent forward.

               “Can I do this?” she asked.

               As he thought of the only way to answer her, he pulled her inwards by wrapping his arm around her, gently and securing. Both of them remained in that position for awhile, never made any move to break away, as they thought that’s what they needed after what they’d gone through. When they thought they’d lost their chance to fix things especially after what had recently happened. When he felt she was trembling and sniffing in his embrace, that’s when he rubbed her back, slowly.

               “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m very sorry you had to see that.”

- - - - -

sorry for disappearing, again. been busy dealing with my university's life. in order

to make up for it, i gave you guys a double update so you guys better be happy

with it. hehe. to be honest, this chapter (20th) is one of my favourite chapters for

this story. don't know why but i just have a soft spot for it. i hope you guys like it.

have a nice day everyone. till then.