We were always together, you and I walking side by side, living through life at a quiet pace. You run ahead and pluck a flower from a tree. Did you know that you looked so handsome like that, in awe of the world? I laughed as you placed the flower in my hair. We understood each other perfectly back then. I loved how you were random like that. I was happy.

We had a fight. You stuck to your point as stubbornly as I stuck to mine. Neither would give in. I suddenly felt silly and cried, running home. You shouted after me. I ran faster. Suddenly I felt warm hands around me. You cried on my shoulder begging me to forgive you. I cried even harder. We stayed there for a while just enjoying each other’s presence. We walk back home together, you offer to piggyback me. I giggle and run away. Did you know that you were the source of my power? I need you.

One day, it all started to change. You look at me differently. You look with pity. Why? I don’t need your pity. I need your friendship. Did something happen and I not know? I want you to look at me like you used to. I want you to look at me like I’m a friend. Why am I the object of your pity? I started to wonder who you were. You weren’t the friend I knew that day. I couldn’t giggle around you anymore. I couldn’t see where the real you were.

What happened to you? You start to talk about girls, hopes, dreams and futures. Don’t you remember, Jonghyun-ah? The dreams and promises we made to each other almost a decade ago. You don’t remember them. Were you growing up without me? No. It can’t be.

Slowly, you stopped hanging out with me. You went around with your group of friends and I was left alone. I had nobody. If I died would you be by my side again? Would you mourn for me anymore? I wish I could know the answer like I did all those years ago. I had to do something. I asked you to wait for me. You never came.

I saw you instead with another girl. You walk around with her with no trace of guilt on your face. Do you consider me an important person anymore? I want you to look at me again, but you kept on walking. I called out your name in the middle of the busy shoppers in the shopping centre. You look around and so does she. You walk away.

Did you know? Did you feel my pain as I saw you walk away from me? No. You never did. You walked away with her laughing and joking. I’m left standing there on my own, wondering what went wrong, when you left me behind. When did we start living at different paces to each other? You suddenly turn around and the hope in my chest surges. I feel my mood getting better, but then, you turn your head back to her. It hurts.

I run back home, wishing you would run after me like you used to. When did you stop acknowledging my presence? When did we drift apart? I run back to my bed and struggle to hold back the tears. Who are you? Where did my friend go? I want to hug you like we did before. I want to laugh with you like you laugh with her now. I can’t hold the tears back anymore. I cry.

There you are again, ahead of me as usual. You waltz through life too fast for me now. I want you to slow down for me to catch up but it’s never going to happen. Do you know that I miss you by my side? You laugh yet again and I feel unbearable pain in my chest. It hurts so much. I suddenly can’t bear to hear your voice anymore. The sound, which used to be my joy, had turned into poison. Your face, which had once been my happiness, had turned ugly in my eyes. I don’t know you.

I can’t stop though. I can’t stop remembering you. You were like a ray of sunshine in my world. It’s dark now. The sun has moved on. Did it remember? Why are you in such a hurry to grow up? I hear you argue with your parents next door. I hear my name during the argument and perked up. Maybe you did remember me. I wanted you to remember me. My world shatters at your next words. I fall.

You shouted vicious words once your parents said my name. So I am no longer important to you. You no longer wanted to be around me. In your words, you hated me. I am a pest. You don’t love me and you never will. My heart explodes at remembering what you said. My parents found me collapsed in the garden. They look at me with worried faces now. I wonder if this had happened before would you be the one looking at me now? I want you to remember who I am. Your friend.

My sister made me realize it one day. I looked in the mirror for the first time in 5 years. I looked like a ghost pining over you. My eyes were swollen from my constant crying. My lips were cracked and dried. My hair was a mess. I knew then that it wasn’t you. It was me. I was going through life too slowly. I was too slow for you. Mianhe, Jonghyun-ah.

I slowly open myself up to a girl in my class. She smiles at me. I feel like her presence it the sun. It was a different sun though. It wasn’t used to me and I wasn’t used to it. Sometimes it was too cold and froze me. Sometimes it was too hot and burnt me. It wasn’t you. I loved it though. I loved how it wasn’t you. I loved how it came back for me because it wasn’t you.  I feel good.

I see you in front of me yet again. I run to my friend in front of you. He smiles and I feel like he was smiling just for me. He pokes my cheek and I giggle. It was the first time in countless years. It was the first time I giggled not for you, not for someone else, but for me. I don’t need you anymore. He moves at the same pace as me. He tells me how lucky he is to have me as a friend. He makes me feel important. He makes me feel like I have a purpose in life. I know myself now. I am me.

You punch him one day. I don’t know why. You never crossed paths with him before, so why now? I beg you to stop. Your face looks murderous. You look at me with a possessive look. I wanted to slap myself for being secretly glad. You paid attention to me today at the expense of one of my friends, but I don’t care. All I could think of was you looking at me again. I knew that moment that I loved you. I always had.

Your parents yell at you for punching someone. You have a face which wasn’t remorseful at all. Your parents believed you when you said you were truly sorry. But I knew you weren’t sorry at all. After all these years, I could still read you like a book. What were you planning? Why are you still like that boy I knew all these years ago? What were your motives? Do you want me to be your friend again? I do.

Later that night, my parents take me over to your house for dinner.  You were there at the dinner table. We were placed across each other. You ate dinner without a word. I kept looking up at you with hopeful looks. You look away. After dinner, you go into your room. I start to follow subconsciously, almost like I forgot who you’ve become, who I’ve become in life. We were no longer children who loved to be with each other. We were teenagers who were almost adults. We grew up.

He asks me out. You walk past at the moment I say yes. I can tell something has just ruined your day. You grab your girlfriend and give her a rough kiss. I pretend not to feel anything, but my heart hurts. I feel happy that someone has asked me out, but it wasn’t you. You wouldn’t want anything to do with me anyway. It’s my turn now. I walk away.

You punch him again. You get suspended. I watch it happen again, powerless. That night, dinner was the same. You refused to talk to anyone. You go into your room again. I am ashamed. The moment you punched my boyfriend I was hopeful again. Do you still care about me? I bury my face into my mum’s shoulder. I still love you, Kim Jonghyun.

I break up with him. You walk past at the moment he breaks down. I can tell your face is happy. I can tell something just made you happy for the rest of the day, week even. Your girlfriend walks past in another guy’s arms and yells at you. You don’t seem to care. You high-five your mates and I’m left feeling hopeful yet again.

She walks up to me with an angry look on her face. I have never seen her so angry and brace myself. She tells me that I treated him like a bastard. She spits in my face and tells me to get out of her life and his. I flinch and watch my first friend that wasn’t you walk away. I don’t care. For you to be happy, I would throw away the world. I wish you would do the same though. You don’t and I’m left alone in the world again.

My sister asks her boyfriend to ask one of his friends to be my date for prom. He is tall. He is handsome. He seems genuinely interested in me if not romantically, in a friendly way. He makes my heart flutter as he takes my hand and asks me for a dance. I feel wonderfully light in his arms.  He brings me drinks and I smile at him. He smiles back and I feel that maybe, just maybe I can finally get over you.

I scream. He wasn’t what I thought he was. His hands stop me from trying to get out of his grasp and he kisses me sloppily. I struggle, but it was no use. I see you behind him and make and S.O.S. sign with my eyes. Would you help me even after all these years? You kick him in the head and he falls. I run away crying.

You run after me.

I feel hands around me and instantly struggle. You whisper in my ear. I stop. We stop. It was like all those years were an illusion. But we both know it wasn’t. I try to kick you and run again. You groan in pain but you do not let go. I finally look directly into your eyes for the first time in more than a decade. We both cry now. We cry together like we used to. We walk back home like we used to. You offer to piggyback me and I giggle. You turned serious and came closer.

We hear applause behind us. We turned around and saw my sister and her boyfriend.

‘Finally.’ My sister says.

I secretly agree.