Insecurities

He stood in front of the big mirror in his personal bathroom. Junsu took off all his clothes and scan his whole body.  In his opinion there was nothing much to see.  He thought that his face was a bit odd. His skin wasn’t as milky and pure as the other members. His shoulders were a bit too wild for his taste. Not the mention his forever never growing abs.  He didn’t even want to look any lower. The comparison of him and one particular member of 2PM was hurting his pride and made him doubt himself.

He made his way to the shower and the hot water. He wasn’t fully awake yet. It was still very early in the morning. Ever since his relationship with Wooyoung had taken a new step, this has been his new routine.

Every morning, he gets up subtly from the bed. He tries not to wake up the sleeping boy next to him. He takes clean clothes with him and goes in the bathroom. He carefully locks the door behind him to make sure the other one is not following him.

He loved Wooyoung, he truly did love him. But he was just not enough confident in himself to let him see his body.

They had been dating for 3 months now and nothing really physical had happened except kiss and make outs. Every time they would be alone and Wooyoung would initiate something more, he would find a way to escape from the boy.

Junsu finally went out the bathroom and find his lover seated on his bed. He was look and the floor sadly.  When he noticed the present of Junsu in the room he quickly wiped an almost falling tear and smiled at him. The older man knew that smile was fake.

“Hi hyung. You woke up early again.”

“Yeah...”

The room went silent. Junsu didn’t want to explain why he was waking up so early. What could he tell him? That he was running away from him? That he didn’t want his boyfriend to see him ? No way, he could say such thing to him. Wooyoung seemed pained enough.

Later that day

“Junho, he’s literally running away from me. It’s like he can’t stand being with me.”

The older boy broke in tears. Junho warped his arms around him and held him tight. The last time he saw his hyung this broken was when Nichkhun dumped him to date Victoria and had told him for excuse that he was straight and their relationship was just an experiment he wanted to try.

“Hyung don’t cry... I’m sure there’s a good reason behind his actions.”

Wooyoung tried to get out of the embrace of his best friend. The flow of his tears gradually slowed down.

“He probably will break up with me soon... I don’t even know what I did wrong. I thought he loved me.” He broke in tears again

“Did you try to talk to him about it?”

Wooyoung nodded.

“But every time I try to talk to him about it, he always finds some lame excuses to go away. I know he’s lying to me.”

“Hyung, maybe I”

A loud knock on the door interrupted him.

“Guys, get up! The car is waiting outside for us.” Yelled Taecyeon

“We are coming!”  Junho yelled back

 He handed a tissues for running nose of the poor Woouyoung. He knew Junsu well too. He was happy to know Junsu was dating Wooyoung because he was such an affectionate and happy person. Junsu wasn’t the type of person who would hurt someone he loves like that. Something must have gone wrong. He wasn’t cruel like that... What he’s? He had to get to bottom of it.

In the changing room

Junho had kept his eyes on him. Junsu didn’t even bother to sit next to Wooyoung. He sat in front of the car and listened to music. Wooyoung sat next to Nichkhun. Even though, Wooyoung was hurt, they decided to stay friends for the sake of the group. Nichkhun alway talked to him normally, as if the whole thing never happened. He was nice to him.

“What’s wrong Youngie?” Khun whispered

“Nothing, I’m just tired.”

“Don’t even try to lie to me! I know you too well.”  He took Wooyoung’s hands in his and got himself closer to him.

“You know you can tell me anything Woo. I don’t like seeing you sad like that.”

Wooyoung didn’t want to answer him at not now. He didn’t want to start crying in the car. Instead, he just laid his head on the older man’ shoulder.

Quietly in the front sit Junsu was watching the whole scene not knowing Junho was watch him.

When they arrive to the MBC building, Junsu was the first one out the car and sprint to the changing room.

By the time the rest of the group arrived to the changing room, the eldest was already fully dress for the performance.

It’s in those moments when everybody knows something is wrong but nobody knows exactly what went wrong.

The manager called Taecyeon and Wooyoung to talk about the little MCing they will have to do. Junho ‘subtly’ proposed to Khun and Chansung to go say hi to the others groups who were also performing for a few minutes.

In the end, he was alone the eldest.  The other one was looking at himself in the mirror and seems lost in his thoughts. He was so lost that he didn’t notice the others one leaving.

“There is something on your mind?” Junho sat next to him. Junsu jumped in surprise a little.

“Umm... no not really...”

“I know it’s none of my business but I can’t do nothing and watch my best friend being hurt like that. So I’m asking you this. What’s wrong hyung?”

“No-nothing”

“Don’t lie! Do you even love Wooyoung anymore?” Why are you hurting him?”

 Junho raised him voice.

“I love him!” Junsu scream back. He never once had a doubted his love for the smaller man.

“Then what’s the problem Junsu?”

“I’m not good enough! That’s the problem!”

They stay silent for a good two minutes.  Junsu running his hands violently in his hair, destroying everything the hairdresser did.

“I mean... He was with Nichkhun, Junho! Compared to him... You know I’m nothing... I’m not handsome like him. I have no abs. I feel ugly.”

Junho felt bad for him. Him and the rest of the group usually like to by calling ugly by he never thought it would affect Junsu this much.

“How could I please him with a body like mine after he had someone perfect like Nichkhun?”

Junho shook him.

“Don’t say that hyung! You are not ugly. I’m pretty sure Wooyoung wants you! Not Khun but you! Just be confident at it will be alright.”

To be honest, Junho really didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think the problem would have been Junsu’s self esteem.

“Just talk to Wooyoung! He’s sad and thinks you don’t love him anymore.”

“What!?” He bites his lips because deep down he knew Wooyoung was feeling like that.

“He’s keep coming to me every morning and cry because you are avoiding him.”

“I don’t want to hurt him... I love him.”

“Good, so go talk to him.”

They arrived at their villa. Again, Junsu was the first out of the car but this time he dragged a sleepy Wooyoung with him.

He sat the boy on the bed and locked the door of his room. He took a deep breath and kneeled in front of the boy like he first did when he confessed his feelings.

“I love you Wooyoung. From the bottom of my heart I love you!” He continued before the other one could even respond.

“I know lately I’ve been hurting you. I don’t like to see you sad but I- I kept on hurting you.”

Wooyoung pulled him next to him. Their fingers naturally interlaced together.

“Hyung, tell me what’s wrong?”

He looked at him in his eyes. Junsu caressed his face. His mind got lost in the soft touch that he hasn’t felt in so long.

“Look at you. Babe you are perfect. Your eyes, your lips, your face. You’re perfect. And I... I’m barely average. You deserve someone handsome that can excite you. I will never be able to satisfy you.

A part of Junsu’s past that was untold was about the first love of his life. It’s was an older woman, his girlfriend. He poured his heart out for her. He gave her everything she wanted. She cheated on him with a man taller and more handsome than him. He begged her to come back to him. Sometimes, she would come back but soon after she would leave him for someone physically better than him, saying to him, he was not good enough to satisfy her. Seeing Wooyoung with Khun always remind him that he wasn’t good enough.

Wooyoung pulled Junsu into a hug

“Junsu, don’t ever say this again. I love you so much. You’re perfect just the way you are. You’re so handsome. I don’t understand why you are saying this! Every little detail about you is driving me nuts. Su, I love you and I want only you.”

Junsu didn’t thought twice and crashed their lips together. Wooyoung held him tight, feeling scared that the other might pull away.

Their tongues moved together. The older man was finally feeling comfortable with his lover’s embrace.  His hands were holding him tightly by the waist.

Wooyoung instinctively moved himself on Junsu’s lap. His well seated on Junsu’s crotch.

“Wooyoung” Junsu moaned into the kiss

“I want”

“Guys diner is ready! Come eat now or Chansung will eat your plates!” Taecyeon interrupted for the second time that day.

“What you want to do?” Junsu asked

“I want to stay with you, hyung.” At the same time his stomach let out a loud growl. They both laughed knowing exactly what it meant.

“We can go eat now. But don’t think tonight you will sleep.” He whispered in his dongsaeng’s ears before putting small kiss from his ears to his mouth.

“You know it’s really y when you’re confident like that. It’s kinda ”

His hands slyly find their way inside of Junsu’s shirt.

“You’re sure you want to do it... with Me?

“Babe, there no one I rather make love with than you!