Listen to this while reading  --> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c934GPLrgcA

I got inspired by that song. Don't expect much though... It's not one of my greatest works, sad to say. Well, atleast for me it's not....

~~~

Jiyong never actually got to find out the exact date that he started to have feelings for his hyung, feelings that weren’t within the boundaries of friendship and brotherhood. It wasn’t admiration, it was something more. It was a crush. Yes, a crush. A crush on a man. On the same . In this world where the society judge people who like the same , people like Jiyong.

What Jiyong did remember were the weeks and months he tried to conceal these new found feelings. He tried everything in his power. He tried forgetting it, ignoring it’s presence in every way possible. May it be through smoking, drinking, writing songs and he even tried to go out with the opposite but, to tell you the truth, none of them ever worked. Not a single one. Every night Jiyong would come home and thoughts of his hyung would come barging back into his life, as if nothing happened.

Six months had already passed and still it was there. This ‘crush’ he kept ignoring was still there and it’s slowly eating him up inside. Why? Well there were two perfect reasons. First, because Seunghyun was not gay. No, he was totally straight as a stick. And how did Jiyong knew about that? Well, that’s the second reason, it’s because Seunghyun has a girlfriend.  Jiyong couldn’t do anything about it. Seunghyun was the oldest and he can’t really just tell him not to be with her. Not when Jiyong could see how happy he became after meeting her.

Jiyong liked her too. He liked her for his Hyung. She’s beautiful, she had smooth skin, long black wavy hair, red kissable lips, a perfect curvature of the body. Not unlike Jiyong who has rough skin, short multi colored hair that he been damaged from the intensive hair treatment it had been receiving, prominent muscles on the arms and legs, a flat chest, he was nothing, nothing compared to a woman. He was nothing compared to her.

It’s been a few months now since Seunghyun got together with his girlfriend and Jiyong can immediately see positive changes in his Hyung. He would know because Jiyong had memorized his Hyung, he knows him from head to toe, from the moment he walks into the room Jiyong would immediately tell if there’s something wrong or different by just looking.

He would often times catch Seunghyun smiling at nothing and whenever Jiyong would ask, it would always be the same, the answer would always be her. Always. Jiyong won’t complain of course, how can he? When he smiles so brightly like that, like the whole world didn’t matter. Putting on a fake smile, Jiyong would always just tease Seunghyun that he’s lovestruck but deep down he was hurting. Deep down to the core he was crying. Seunghyun’s not the only one who’s good at acting.

Lately though, Seunghyun had been bringing her along while they rehearse for their next concert. No one minds though, because she was the perfect girlfriend, just standing at the side line watching them, silently cheering all of them on. She was perfect. She clicked with every member of the band, the too proud Seungri, the bubbly Daesung and even the shy type Youngbae. They all liked her, and they would always congratulate Seunghyun for getting a one of a kind girlfriend.

Seunghyun didn’t know a thing of course, on how Jiyong gets hurt whenever his girlfriend was around. Jiyong was too good. Too good at hiding his feelings. He can even talk with her as well even though she was the cause of all his sorrow. Well, actually both of them were, Seunghyun and her. But Jiyong didn’t show it. He hid it so well, behind the imaginary walls he had put around himself.

But somehow, a crack formed in those walls and his feelings sipped through earlier this morning. They were supposed to meet at the studio, at around 9 in the morning to starting practicing the new dance moves from their new album. Just like any other day, Jiyong was secretly excited to see his Hyung. He knows that Seunghyun would be there 30 minutes before the said time and sometimes even earlier, so Jiyong woke up especially early today.

But Jiyong never really got to the studio room. Because just from outside the room, through the glass window, he could see it. He could see them. He could see her. They weren’t doing anything bad though, they were actually happy. Loud music were bursting through the room and the too stiff to dance Seunghyun was dancing. With her. If you call it dancing though. They were just practically jumping up and down, twirling with each other until they fall down. They looked so happy. Jiyong had never seen that side of Seunghyun before and he was jealous. Jealous of her, because she gets to see that side of him. That side that no one knows. That side that only belongs to her.

This time, he can’t stop the tears that were falling from his face. He was actually shock that he was crying, he never cried before. Not like this. He was always holding it in, but somehow seeing how happy the two were dancing and goofing around, his heart shattered. This fake world that he created around himself crumbled down and reality stepped it.

Seunghyun would never be his.

And without a second doubt, he turned his heels around and walked back. He needed to get away. Away from the happy couple. Away from Seunghyun.

His feet dragged him up the stairs towards the roof, his haven. He didn’t realize that he was running until he finally hit the railings of the roof, the morning sun shining down on him, greeting him. He gripped on tightly on the rails, his hands were shaking as tears kept falling down. His lungs were clogging up from the crying and he was already having trouble breathing but he didn’t care. He needed to get it out. This frustration and hurt he had been hiding for so long. He needed to get them out.

He stayed like that for a while, looking down on the busy streets below wondering if Seunghyun even noticed that he wasn’t there. The leader. The leader who was always punctual and early. Would Seunghyun even realize that? Of course not. She was there. He didn’t need Jiyong. All he needed was her. Why would he ever need him?

“How does it feel like?” Jiyong whispered to the wind. “To touch you like that? To be in your arms? To be the one you’re so proud of having? To kiss you? How does it feel?” Tears were rolling down his face. He can’t take it anymore. He’s hurt, he’s broken and no one could fix him. All he wanted was to be loved like her, but Jiyong knows that’ll never happen. Not in this life time and maybe not even in the next.

He would never be like her. She's perfect for him and him for her. They were perfect. Jiyong didn’t want to ruin that, he’s not that kind of a person. He was Kwon Jiyong. The leader that everyone looked up to because he always knows what he’s doing. But what happened to the leader now? He’s lost. And confused. His plan of just standing in the side line of the two lovers backfired. He didn’t know what to do.

Somehow the railing weren’t enough to hold his weight and Jiyong found himself slipping down towards the concrete floor. His arms covering his face to hide the tears that kept coming out. He can’t stop them. He just can’t. They were bottled up tears that he kept pushing back ever since Seunghyun got together with her.

 It hurts. The pain of not having the one you wanted no matter how much you wished it to be, no matter how much you longed for it to be. It was never going to happen. Seunghyun will never be his. It’s a fact. But Jiyong just can’t seem to get it past his brain.

An hour had already passed and he’s phone started vibrating in his pocket none stop.

“I guess they finally notice that I’m gone, huh?” Jiyong muttered to himself as he pulled his phone from his pocket. The tears finally stopped flowing a couple of minutes ago and Jiyong was finally able to catch his breath. He stared back at his phone. Missed calls and texts asking where he was greeted him. From Seungri, from Daesung, from Taeyang. Everyone except him.

Jiyong just shook his head from the irony and bitterly laughed. Of course Seunghyun won’t look for him. He’s already got everything that he needs. Who needs Kwon Jiyong? No one. There it is again. The feeling when you’re about to cry. That heavy feeling in your heart that you can’t seem to overcome unless you cry. It’s all coming back again. Jiyong sniffed as tears fell again. When will they stop?

Jiyong kept sniffing and howling a little that he never heard the roof top door from opening. He never heard the footsteps that were coming his way. He never heard it when Seunghyun dropped down behind him and hugged him from the back.

He stayed frozen at the spot. No, please, not Seunghyun. Not now, he thought to himself. Anyone but Seunghyun.

“Why are you crying, Ji? What’s wrong?”

Oh please don’t talk to me like that, like I’m someone special to you. Please, don’t.

Violently shaking his head, Jiyong roughly pulled apart the hands that were wrapped around him and stood up. He quickly wiped the tears with the sleeves of his long sleeved shirt and cleared his throat. He drew in a couple of deep breaths and steadied himself again. Then he put on that well known fake smile of him then turned around.

“It’s nothing, Hyung. Come on, let’s go back. They’re probably worried about me.” Jiyong casually said, walking past Seunghyun but Seunghyun didn’t believe him one bit. A strong hand caught Jiyong’s arm and turned him around, facing Seunghyun again.

“Don’t lie to me, Ji. You were crying just a minute ago, that is definitely not ‘nothing’. Something’s wrong.” Seunghyun sounded both frustrated and concerned.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle, Hyung.” His voice was starting to rise up as well. How can Seunghyun ask him that? Like it was something he was just say out loud. Jiyong pulled back his hand and inserted both of them in his front pockets. A stubborn gesture he had done so many times when he’s not in the mood to talk.

“Come on, Ji. I was worried sick for you. What’s wrong?” Seunghyun sounding softer now, just feel of concern.

“You can tell me anything. What is it?”

Jiyong stared back at the concerned eyes of his Hyung. His Seunghyun. A small hope sparked through his head, what if he told Seunghyun the truth? What if? Jiyong fidgeted in his stand, not knowing what to do next. He never intended Seunghyun to find him in this situation, a situation that he had worked so hard to ignore.

Maybe Seunghyun would understand him. Maybe if he told him that truth, nothing would change but at least he would know. It would hurt but not that much compared to when Jiyong hid it to himself. Finally deciding that may be if he would take the risk, God would give him a chance. A chance at love. A chance at being with the one he loves. A chance at restoring his broken heart. But before he could even answer, God already gave him his answer, in the form of a woman.

“Hyunnie! Jiyong Oppa! There you guys are. Everyone’s worried about you two.” Her sweet small voice came out from the rooftop door. Jiyong turned around and true enough, there she was making her way towards the two of them, her face looking worried just like Seunghyun. Sighing, he plastered on the fake smile again on his face.

“Omo I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make anyone worry.” Jiyong said as she approached him giving him a hug.

“I’m glad you’re safe, Oppa. Seungri oppa’s already worried sick saying that you got kidnapped or something.” She laughed that adorable laugh of hers. Then she turned around and made her way to Seunghyun who welcomed her with open arms.

Jiyong’s heart skipped a bit when it happened but he still managed to hold onto that fake smile. He guessed that he had to get used to moments like this. When she’s in his arms. But during these times, he could also see a clear reason why he shouldn’t tell Seunghyun. Just by looking at Seunghyun’s face, how happy he is, how contented he was, was enough to make Jiyong forget about his problems. He didn’t matter and he knows that, he accepts that. To him, what matters was Seunghyun. Only him. And if being with her makes him happy then so be it.

“I’m gonna go on now. You guys are making me sick.” Jiyong joked as he pointed his tongue at the two, who were still hugging making her giggle and making Seunghyun smile. It had always been like this. Jiyong would joke around as if nothing was wrong.

Jiyong walked back through the door, down the stairs leaving the happy couple behind. That’s when he knew that he had to move on from this. Because the moment Seunghyun saw her, he had completely forgotten about Jiyong even though he was standing right in front of him. Seunghyun even forgot that Jiyong never quite answered his question. She was his world now. She was all that mattered.

Well, this was how it was supposed to be in the first place.