Take a Walk

iamforgotten

I turn the corner at 5th Avenue. It’s a chilly September morning. I glance at my watch and realize that it is only four. I have never been out this early before. My work hours make sure that during this time of the day, I am still in dreamland – preferably with my lovely fiancée. But today, my tired body refuses to rest. My mind is racing, my heart aching more and more as the seconds tick away. It’s a wonder, however, for I am in New York City. And for the City that never sleeps, it’s so lifeless and gloomy this morning. Besides for the occasional passing of delivery vans and cabs, it’s so quiet and sad.

Or maybe it’s just me, because as much as I feel the pain and the tears that are forcing their way out of me, I can’t feel my heart. A few hours ago – six hours, thirty-nine minutes, and eighteen seconds to be exact – she told me that she can no longer wait for me to come back. She said that everything – all eleven years – is over.

“It’s too difficult, oppa,” she started the moment I said hello, “it’s too difficult and I just can’t keep living my life like this.”

She spent a good twenty-minute overseas call, explaining to me why she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But, until now, I don’t understand.

We love each other. And although it has been three years since we last saw each other, I know that nothing has changed. I still love her. And I know – I feel – that she feels the same way.

“We’ll be fine, oppa,” she assured me. “I’ll be alright and you will be, as well. And I know that we’ll be happy, again. Eventually…”

She said that our situation now is so much different from how we were before. After graduating from high school, I told my parents that I wanted to go to Seoul for college. Although with a heavy heart – because they didn’t want to part with me, mainly – they said yes and supported me the whole time. It was almost a dream come true. The only problem was that I had to leave my Rinnie behind at our old town. I knew my leaving devastated her, but I told her that it was for our future. And, honestly, what I said was partly true. It was for the both of us, my family, and hers.

Growing up in a small town, everyone knew each other. Our parents and families had always been friends. And I’ve been with Rinnie, basically my whole life. I was – am – thankful for that. She’s everything I’ve hoped for and more. And God knows that leaving her, back in college and three years ago had been very hard for me. I promised her that after college, we’d be together again. That didn’t happen, though.

I had to step up and be my family’s bread-winner. I had to provide for them. That’s why I’m here. That’s why even though I feel like dying inside, I’m doing my best. To give my parents and my Rinnie a better life.

That’s why.



But, I guess love just isn’t enough to keep us forever.



♥



I have been back in town for a couple of days and my body clock has yet to adapt to the new environment. I haven’t been home for five years. So long.

Too long.

Now I have to stand the lingering stares of people, who think I’m familiar but can’t tell who I am, as I walk around the neighborhood I grew up in. I pass by the old, worn out church, the marina, the public school, the park, my Rinnie’s house –

I freeze on the spot, realizing my thoughts.

My Rinnie’s house.

Riin’s house.

Jang Riin’s house.

I keep forgetting that she isn’t mine anymore. All this years, my heart still yearns for her, no one else.

“Junsu o-oppa?” I hear a soft voice say behind me. Spinning around, I found the one person I’ve been longing for.

“Riin-ah.”

“You’re here… since when?” she asks.

“A couple of days ago,” I reply, “but omma had me tied to the bed, so…”

She giggles sweetly. But it’s short and before I know it, she’s already walking away from me. My eyes follow her until she disappears inside her own house.

“She’s a beauty, isn’t she, hyung?” I recognize that voice.

“Changmin.”

“Care to walk with me, hyung?”

I accept his invitation and with another glance towards Riin’s house, we are gone.

“Don’t you thing that she’s more beautiful now?” Changmin begins after a short while.

“No, she’s exactly the same. Exactly like how I left her years ago. She’s perfect,” I answer truthfully, thinking back to how we were back then. The only change is that she doesn’t love me anymore.

“Maybe. But she wasn’t always like that, hyung.”

I look back up at him, confused. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Changmin continues walking for a while, as if trying to figure out the right way to tell me everything.

“You see, hyung, when you left for New York, our Riinie was fine. She was cheerful and happy. She usually spent the days with your parents, helping around in the house and all. The usual stuff, as if you never left. But she’d greet the mailman every time he came by, smiling as if she didn’t have a care in the world. But, a couple of years later, things changed. We noticed that she didn’t leave her house much anymore, except for work and groceries. She didn’t stop by your house anymore, she wasn’t cheerful. She just, changed. And then, we realized that the mailman didn’t come by anymore. Your letters stop and, it seemed, so did her life.”

“She told me to stop writing. But I couldn’t. I stopped sending my letters, yes, but that doesn’t mean that I stopped writing her, or loving her for that matter,” I try to explain although I know that it’s in vain. I don’t have to explain anything to anyone. I have to get her back, to make her understand that I’m here now and am still so damned in love with her.

“But, hyung, a few months after that, this guy comes into this town. We found out that he’s a widower and, somehow, the two of them hit it off quite well. They’ve been inseparable since then.”

“You mean my… no.”

“He’s name is Yoochun, hyung. And he is Riin’s boyfriend.”



♥



I walk towards her form by the shore. She’s looking at the horizon, her hair and dress blown by the wind. She dons a white off-shouldered dress that shows more of her neck and shoulders. With it comes a big, wide-brimmed straw hat.

She’s picturesque; like a breathtaking scene in a movie with a heartbreaking plot.

“They’re perfect for each other, don’t you think so?” she asks with a smile, but she doesn’t turn to look at me.

I stand right beside her. It’s the first time in so many years that we are in such a close proximity of each other. It draws a smile on my face. And I nod.

“I believe so, too, yeah.”

I see her nod. The smile on her face never fading.

How are you?

I’m good. Contented. Life is good.

I’m glad.

Yeah. How about you?

Alone. But it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

That’s good.

And we stand there in silence, looking far into the ocean, with our own thoughts for company.

After a while, I turn to her, finally noticing the tiny trinket that had been hanging on her slender neck. I look up and into what I could see of her eyes. “What are you thinking of?” I ask.

She still doesn’t look at me. But with a twinkle in her eye she says, “I was just thinking that I will be happy from this point on.”

And I understand. I turn back to the ocean, heart light and fluttering like butterflies.

Can I hold your hand?

Never let go.

this was based on wang leehom's mary says.