Chapter 2
Fantasizing
Music lingered in the background of the ballroom, the faint voice of a woman singing in a line of falsetto notes audible under the accompaniment of the orchestra. Their location was unknown, a stately manor or mansion, chandeliers hung from the ceilings as the encircling diamonds twinkled under the influence of the light shone in the room. No figures were apparent in his line of sight as he scanned his surroundings. He spotted expensive antiques above the fireplace as a clock solemnly ticked second by second, an exquisite vase detailed with intricate flowers in the corner of the room.
Nichkhun turned himself towards the doorway, his eyebrow raised in questioning as the footsteps of another clicked upon the marbled flooring, echoing in the air. He briefly glanced down, reaching to adjust his tie as the footsteps grew louder and he awaited their presence. The night was unusually peaceful and calm for that time of the year, the moon and stars clearly visible in the night sky, sending dim light upon the lake in the distance. It created a path of light to be followed as the tide washed upon the shore. The song had changed, the footsteps no longer audible as he questioned himself being there.
His line of thought was interrupted by the clearing of another’s throat, turning himself towards the owner of the voice. Eyes widening in shock and awe, the figure approached him and although their identity was anonymous he suspected it would have been her all along. He froze in position, scanning his eyes leisurely across the features of her face, the first time she had been so clear in his mind. Her brown locks cascaded down her back in waves, her eyes sparkling in wonder, glistening in amazement, framed by curled lashes coated in layers of mascara. Clad in a fitted black gown which accentuated her curves, she pursed her crimson lips, drumming her fingers on her arm as she avoided his eyes.
Nichkhun was overwhelmed by the sickening emotions of anxiety and confusion, clutching his stomach as he restrained the nauseous feeling back by force. He stepped forward cautiously as she briefly raised her head, exhaling coolly as she mimicked his actions in courage. The next moment she was greeted by his sudden presence before her, outstretching his hand as he gestured for her to follow. She was somewhat intrigued by his welcoming, gentlemanly manner which he portrayed.
His lips curved into a smile as the palm of her hand brushed against his, linking their hands together. He hesitated to slip the other around her waist as he led her to the centre of the ballroom, eyes blinded by the intense light of the chandelier above as he raised his head. In his eyes, she appeared so real at that moment, in no way tumbling short of his illusions. She was a goddess far from his expectations. He wondered if he was worthy of her company. She was perfect.
The girl flinched at his touch as he pressed his left hand upon her back, pulling her closer to him in caution. The pace of her breathing increased in fear as she bit down on her lip, drawing a drop of blood. Although they’d met previously, he was still a stranger and his identity was unknown just as hers was to him. She slowly lifted her head to meet his cool, understanding eyes in his attempt to prove he had no intention to hurt her in any way, loosening her muscles from the tension and uncomfortable stance.
“Don’t worry. Follow my lead,” he whispered, his breath warm on her neck as he leaned forward. Brushing a strand of hair away from her eyes, he tucked it behind her ear as he progressed to step forward, initiating their dance. A smile played the muscles of her face as she danced in his arms.
It had seemed as though time had passed far too quickly for his liking. A bead of sweat slid down the length of his face as their dance slowed in pace and rhythm, gently swaying back and forth, her arms wrapped around his neck. His bodily temperature had increased due to the intensity of warmth which surrounded them and the extent of exercise he had completed in her company. He didn’t want to let her go, treasuring each moment close to his heart as though it was their last together. He barely knew her at all, but through the time they spent together, he thought he learned all he needed to ever know.
And as the strained note of the singer hushed until they were in complete silence, his dream shattered to pieces. She became less visible by the second, his vision of her blurred until she disappeared with the cold breeze which swept through the room. The antiques crashed to the ground, smashing into pieces, shards of glass strewn along the ground, the walls encasing him falling forward until he had finally woken from his dream. She was gone once again.
******
The wails of newborns intensified in the distance as nurses dashed back and forth throughout the rooms in an attempt to see all patients. There was a couple in front of him clutching each others hands tightly as the woman, heavily pregnant, breathed short breaths, her shoulders lifted and dropped continually. The man Nichkhun assumed to be her husband patted her shoulder reassuringly as a strained look of discomfort came over his face in the state of anxiety. Nichkhun wrinkled his nose as the smell of sterile equipment and various potions lingering in the air. He questioned why he had agreed to attend in the first place.
His head thudded in pain, overwhelmed by the insignificant sounds surrounding him. The kid, barely over the age of two, pushed his train continually along the length of the table, wheels scratching as they came into contact with the worn plastic. A girl was brushing through the strands of the doll’s hair, unable to pull it out as it becomes stuck within the tangles of pink locks and she stifled a cry, rushing towards her mother as the tears coursed down her face. Taecyeon by his side pressed on the keys of his laptop as he finished a document for work, the constant clicking droning on and on in Nichkhun’s mind. Burying his face in his hands, he prayed for the intense torture to end, suppressing his feelings within.
He hadn’t seen her again since that night. Two months was a long duration of time. Questioning her absence, he wondered if she had truly disappeared from his life, somewhat dying on the inside. She was a source of adventure and fantasy needed in his monotonous life, the only thing he was not depressed by what fate had given him. Her presence was consoling and reassuring as if she was the cure to all of his problems. However, maybe he had to accept Minho’s words.
“I’m going to get some coffee. You want some?” Taecyeon asked he leapt from his seat, fumbling through the fabric of his pockets until he found his wallet. He twisted his head back and forth between Yoona and Nichkhun, leaving without any response from either.
“How long is this meant to take? I swear we’ve been here for 4 hours,” Yoona questioned as she slid over one seat, gently shaking Nichkhun’s body, believing that he may have fallen into deep sleep. He shot up in alarm, his eyes closing for prolonged periods of time from lack of sleep. He raised his hands and rubbed them with his fingers, stealing a glance of Yoona as she watched him with attentive eyes.
“She is having a baby. They do take their time to come out. Think about how Minho would be feeling right now as he waits anxiously for his own child. He’s probably in quite a bad condition, watching as the seconds tick by as Yuri squeezes his hand tightly, almost breaking it in the process,” he replied as a yawn escaped from the gaps between his pursed lips. Yoona nodded her head in understanding, agreeing with every word. She lifted her wrist and watched as the seconds ticked by on her watch, the clock hands coated in diamantes in a range of colours.
Taecyeon arrived soon after, the clock announcing the time of 00:02. It was his birthday, not as if anyone had bothered to remember and he would receive the usual ‘Happy Birthday’ messages along his Facebook wall. The thought of wishing for anything hadn’t entered his mind, birthdays no longer important as he grew older. He assumed his parents might have sent him a card, listing how he should be married by now, asking why he hadn’t given them any grandchildren yet - all questions which couldn’t be answered with a simple response. He shifted his line of sight towards Yoona and Taecyeon who were engaged in a conversation not to be interrupted.
“Thank god you guys are still here,” he heard as Minho heaved a low sigh, appearing by the door side, panting in exhaustion. A ghost of a smile played at his lips as his eyes glistened in fascination and amazement. “I’m a father. Can you believe it? I‘m a father. Me, Choi Minho am a father” He strode towards them, gesturing for them to follow him as he lead them to Yuri who was resting peacefully after hours of intense labour.
A small bundle was visible in her arms, a baby encased within the folds of a pink blanket. Yuri’s eyes drooped at the corners due to exhaustion, brushing her hand along the blanket as she giggled soundlessly. Minho rushed to her side, planting a kiss on her forehead as he cradled the bundle in his own arms, lifting her from Yuri’s hands as Yuri fell back in relief, squeezing her eyes shut. Yoona skipped towards him in excitement, clapping her hands joyously as the baby came into her sight. She firmly grabbed Taecyeon’s hand and pulled him along in her attempt to attain a closer view of the new addition.
Nichkhun watched from the door side, unsure whether to join them or leave reassured that Minho and Yuri were okay. He was somewhat sickened by the scene before him, both couples happy with what their destiny had brought them while his sole aim was to ‘enjoy’ his life day by day as a gift brought by god. Perhaps he wouldn’t be so miserable if she hadn’t appeared in his life in the first instance. Until they had first met, his life was perfectly fine, in a stable relationship with his childhood sweetheart who he’d loved every day since they had begun dating. After she appeared, his life tore at the seams and he was unsure of the differences between reality and dreams. He pondered over the idea that ‘Dream Girl’ was playing with his mind, wishing to break his heart and for her to become his only reality.
“Don’t you want to see your goddaughter?” a voice asked in a hushed tone as a hand rested on Nichkhun’s shoulder, returning him to reality. He glanced sideways to find the reassuring smile across Minho’s face as he gestured towards Yoona who cradled the newborn in her arms, Taecyeon’s arms slipped around her waist. Nichkhun unconsciously turned in their direction, shifting his weight from foot to foot as he stepped towards them. Before he knew it, the baby girl was in his arms, eyes adjusting to the light of the room drowsily as Nichkhun watched her with curious eyes. And he could swear he saw a smile tug at her lips.
*****
A cake sat at the centre of a table, surrounded by various delicacies as the sweet aroma wafted into the air. Nichkhun inhaled the fresh scent, twiddling with his thumbs as he scanned his eyes over the vast amounts of food which lay before him in dishes detailed with flowers. From the corner of his eye he spotted a figure moving in the distance, their long hair swaying from side to side with their delicate movements. somehow he knew w that she was there, awaiting the right moment to appear before him, concealing herself within the shadows of the room.
A sea of colour appeared across the sky- reds, purples, blues, oranges- as the sun set in the distance and the moon took it’s place. The room was dimly lit, elegant candles casting a glow upon the tablecloth below. He watched his feet, holding his head down, incapable to express his emotions of joy and happiness that she rece more. For once, he wanted to experience a dream where she approached him in confidence so he felt comfortable to hold her in his arms, kiss her sweet lips and never let her go. Someday it would happen.
“Happy Birthday to you,” a voice sang, his ears following the notes up and down as she strolled forward. A lit candle was held cautiously in her hands, the flame sparkling from the tip. Her hair was swept back into a ponytail, the individual features of her face clearly visible in his eyes, accentuating her true beauty.
“Happy Birthday to you,” she repeated as the song continued. The girl was directly by his side as she reached to light the candles of his cake. His hand immediately shifted forward, brushing against hers as he supported her in the act, his eyes meeting her sparkling brown orbs.
“Happy Birthday dear Nichkhun,” his eyes glued to her lips as his name escaped her lips. How long he’d waited to hear her say his name.
“Happy Birthday to you,” Her lips brushed against his cheek as the final note was completed, the faint mark of pink lipstick visible as his face flushed to the exact shade. His cold breath washed over the candles, the flames no longer there as she stifled a giggle, lifting a spoon to feed him some cake. He happily accepted it, realising it was the best birthday he had enjoyed in a long time and he wished for the moments between them to continue in the future.
******
“You don’t look like you’re really enjoying yourself,” Minho passed the glass of champagne into his hands as they watched the happy couple from afar who were enjoying each other’s company in the aftermath of their wedding ceremony. Nichkhun was overwhelmed by the bitter sweetness of the liquid as it reached his taste buds, directing his gaze towards his god-daughter who giggled in her mother’s arms. She looked like an angel under the layers of the pink chiffon and silk of her flower girl dress. Barely over the age of 1, she was unable to walk yet, carried in her father’s arms as pink and white petals were scattered along the length of the aisle.
He was now aged 29, still unmarried and single. She had disappeared for over a year and he had lost hope for her return. Consulting his parents and a psychologist over his distress, he had received an answer which was unclear in its message. He was to move on with his life but dreams were perfectly acceptable to have. Did that mean that she would never exist? Or did he have to give up in his search because it had brought him nowhere?
“I’ve been better,” Nichkhun replied as he glanced at his ticking watch. He rested the weight of his head in the support of his hand, avoiding the critical eyes of those who surrounded him.
“I’m happy for you, you know. I know it’s probably hard for you to get over her, she was a big part of your life, but we’re here for you - Yuri, Suzy, me, Taecyeon, Yoona… If you ever need anyone to talk to then we’ll be there,” Minho reassured him as Yuri nodded her head in agreement. Yuri, however, had remained supporting of his idea that she was out there and all he needed was faith in her and hope to find her, wherever she may be. But the constant negative comments had erased this hope from his heart and he began to feel the same way as the majority.
“I know,” he spoke in a monotonous tone. His face turned blank, deep in thought before he turned to Suzy with the corner of lips turned upwards, “Why don’t you and I go dance while your parents spend some time together?”
Suzy lifted her hands upwards as Nichkhun reached to hold her in his arms, strolling out to the dance floor where many relatives and friends had gathered to enjoy the evening freely, without the restrictions of their every day life. He swayed her from side to side as the songs boomed from the speakers on the corners of the dance floor. Suzy was very familiar with Nichkhun’s presence - he’d been there since the day she was born and visited her fairly regularly with various gifts as if she was his own. And despite hr young age, his change in attitude hadn’t gone unnoticed by her. She witnessed those brief moments when his happy façade had disappeared, replaced with looks of depression and sadness. She was somewhat worried about him.
After an hour or so, he returned her to her parents in exhaustion, slumping into his chair as he fed himself the wedding cake transferred across the room by waiters. The vision of her feeding him suddenly entered his mind as he lifted the spoon. The way she giggled as he blushed, her beautiful voice as she sang, the continuous twinkle of her eyes - it was all too much for him to handle at one time. The spoon slipped from his hand, cascading as it clicked upon his plate. He leapt from his seat, grabbing his jacket as he rushed to leave.
“I need to go. The music’s too loud in here and I don’t feel very great,” he lied, excusing himself from the room as he bid Minho and the others a short goodbye. They watched him in worry, unable to understand his peculiar behavioural change. All they could hope was that he was going to be okay.
******
“I wish we could never be torn apart. I want to spend all of the time in the world with you,” she whispered soundlessly into his ear, his skin tingling at the touch of her lukewarm breath. The locks of her hair were tousled and dishevelled as he cradled her in his arms, the warmth of his body transferred into hers as beads of sweat hung on his forehead. The time was unknown, the late hours of the evening or the early hours of the morning. Nothing mattered to Nichkhun at that moment but her presence.
“I never want to let you go,” he ran his fingers through the strands of her silky hair spread across the pillow, brushing against her milky white cheeks. His arms tightened around her waist as he pulled her into him, their bodies pressed together as feelings of nostalgia indulged between them. A breeze washed over them from the small opening of the window, a shiver running along his spine but ignored as he basked in her beauty and presence.
Her hair, now a shade of chocolaty brown, fell over her bare shoulders as she twisted herself to the side until she was completely facing him. She leaned down, urging to meet his luscious lips, a wish which had long existed since they had first met. He sensed her ulterior motives, anxious but willing, reaching her until they were mere inches apart, passion burning in his eyes. And as their lips touched, their emotions, their world had changed.
Her slender hands rested on his chest, reaching upwards as they s around his neck. Nichkhun traced his fingers along the features of her face , gently meeting his lips with hers in a tentative, coaxing form as they moved together in perfect sync. He knew nothing but wanting that moment, their moment together, to last forever. Gently grazing kisses along her jaw, his breathing grew heavier, tearing the tie from his neck as the restrictions of his clothes loosened. He wanted to experience more with her, more than he ever had with any other girl. But reality in time was going to catch up to him.
“I suppose this is a goodbye,” she breathed, flinching as his cold hands press against her back.
“Visit me soon,” he answered, lifting his head as objects around them disappear into thin air, no longer visible, as if they were never there. And in the brief second he paid attention elsewhere, she was no longer there, a fragment of his imagination once more. “I’ll find you,” he paused, “somehow.”
******
The restaurant was crowded by insignificant people, couples celebrating their anniversaries or marriage proposal, groups of students celebrating the end of the school year with a well-deserved, expensive meal. Nichkhun seemed to be the only one by himself, lonely, isolated, ostracized, as he brought himself to their attention. They watched him with pitying eyes for brief moments of time before they turned to the others, forgetting his existence once more as if he was never there. His eyes were glued to his watch, watching as each second passed him by. Gone. Never coming back as he wondered why she hadn’t yet arrived.
Yuri and Yoona had set him up on a blind date with a friend, Tiffany. He heard her name occasionally in conversations. He was sure he’d even seen her at Minho and Yuri’s wedding, a bridesmaid with auburn hair. She appeared friendly with the capability of being given the girlfriend title and enticing beauty which drew attention from those who caught her eye. But she wasn’t the one who he wanted to be with no matter how hard he tried to move on. And she was 20 minutes late.
“Sir, are you going to order?” the waiter asked curiously as he appeared before Nichkhun’s table, glancing briefly at the unoccupied chair questioningly.
“No, I uh I’m waiting for someone,” Nichkhun answered, heaving a sigh as the waiter left with no more words being said. It was blatantly obvious to him how much of a ‘loser’ he appeared at that moment. The indiscreet looks of the watchers made his observation even clearer. He was a ‘loser’. His life was sad.
She hadn’t arrived 30 minutes later. She stood him up. In public. No number of apologies from either Yoona or Yuri would make up for the humiliation they had caused him. It wasn’t as if he cared about other’s peoples opinions. He didn’t. But the intense looks they shot towards him made him question why he was the way he was. He’d been informed numerous times that he was handsome, friendly, somewhat confident, and down-to-earth. Had today’s society changed so much that these qualities didn’t matter to anyone anymore? Or could he blamed for not trying enough? Maybe that was the point they wanted to prove to him - that he wasn’t dateable.
He strode along the path, his feet thudding on the cold gravel as he turned the corner. He fumbled through his coat pockets, pulling out his cap as he adjusted the tufts of his hair while sitting it upon his head in a strange fashion. Winter had rece more, the streets covered in the thin layers of snow which were no longer cascading from the clouds. It reminded him of her once again, bundled under layers of fabric which had surrounded her with vast amounts of warmth. She was beautiful, completely beautiful. And at that time she was his.
His line of thought was suddenly interrupted by the incessant ringing of his phone, the image of Yuri flashing onto his screen in her attempt to speak with him in the aftermath of the disaster.
“Nichkhun? Is that you? Are you still there? Answer me!” she demanded, blurting out continuous questions as he found himself approaching the bridge just outside the city. It was a destination more commonly known for its high suicidal rate each year, the depressed plunging into the waters below as though it was a solution for their problems. He was not yet in the position to have those thoughts.
“I’m here,” he said nonchalantly as the faint voice of Suzy became audible in the distance. Yuri sighed in relief, choosing her next words carefully as to not infuriate him more than she thought he already was.
“Thank god. I’m so sorry about Tiffany. She saw an old grade school friend and got caught up with them. She told me she wanted to apologise for standing you up,” she explained, trying to avoid going into the further details that it had slipped Tiffany’s mind and she was never interested in the first place. “Where are you?”
“I’m at the Han Bridge, enjoying the view. It’s gorgeous out here tonight,” he scanned his surroundings, a ghost of a smile coming over his face, the first in a long time. The skyline twinkled with the lights of the city, the moon reflected into the clear waters below. He squinted his eyes as another figure came into view, barely far from him. He raised an eyebrow as they appeared to be leaning over the barriers, hazardous of falling in.
“WHAT?! You better not be thinking of killing yourself Nichkhun Horvejkul. You have so much to live for. If you have any problems, just talk to me. Nichkhun? Khun? Khun, are you the-” she was cut off as his finger swept over the screen, abruptly ending their call. He dashed towards the figure, capable of causing himself harm as his feet slid over the frozen ice beneath him. Nichkhun wasn’t a therapist, but understood what the person may have been going through - enough to offer some form of advice.
He halted 5 feet away from them, their silhouette barely visible in the sudden darkness. The words froze in his breath, unsure of how to begin a conversation, as timid as a child on their first day of school. It was obvious to him that they were trembling, shaking vigorously while they clutched onto barrier fearfully. However, their breathing was normal due to the apparent clouds of smoke which appeared before them, strangely relaxed.
“Are you okay over there?” he called, hesitating to say any more. The figure turned towards him in surprise as a giggle escaped their lips, echoing through the air until it reached his ears. It somehow sounded vaguely familiar.
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” they replied, their voice low and clear. His ears unconsciously followed her voice as though she was singing, inching closer towards her as he spotted another familiar feature but couldn’t find what link she may have had to him. She was not yet visible but he could swear that if he saw her, she would be immediately recognised.
“I thought you were trying to fall into the water there.”
It was no longer a giggle, but a guffaw, as though she was jeering and mocking him because of his sudden accusation that she was out to self harm. Composing herself, she parted her lips and replied, “I thought I saw someone swimming in there. I know that probably sounds strange but I thought I knew…I thought I recognised him.”
His eyes widened as she lifted her head, becoming visible under the bright source of light from the street lamp above. The pieces of the enigma fitted together perfectly as both stood frozen in their steps unable to believe what fate had brought them. How long they had waited to be together. How long they had dreamed together. How long they had been in love unable to come to terms with where their imagination had taken them years earlier. And their wait had finally come to an end.
“I - I’ve seen you before,” she mumbled, unsure of whether she wanted him to hear her words.
“I’ve seen you before too,” a single snowdrop cascaded to the ground between them as he shuffles his feet forward, unsure how to react in the situation. He lifted his hand, brushing the bangs from her eyes as she stares deep into his dark orbs. A single tear ran down the length of her face, touching his hand to ensure he was no longer an illusion or fantasy. Yet he was real.
He inhaled the sweet scent of her perfume which hung on her clothes, just as he had imagined as he held her in his arms. Her tears stained his shirt but he didn’t care, comfortingly cradling her and unwilling to let go. He suffered the lows of his life while others experienced the love they were destined for. He’d been on numerous dates, been in numerous relationships which had never worked - all for one reason. Because fate had given him Victoria, a Chinese dance instructor teaching in an elite dance academy in Seoul, who had suffered as much as he had over the years previous but never gave up hope. His perfect match. And fate had finally brought them together. While he was sleeping, While she was sleeping and while you were sleeping.
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