a little thing called love; {2/2}

 part i

 

 

Sweven

(n.) a vision seen in sleep; a dream

 

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‘Woo… Innee wub Woo!’

‘I love you too my little cuppycake’

 

 

This happened again.

Every time Kim Jongin opened his eyes from his peace sleep, a hazy yet felt real view in his dream about a little boy was holding to the elder one kept playing in his mind, it’s had been almost a week; How the little boy would confess he loved the elder one, how the little boy would receive an innocent kiss on the tip of his small nose, how the elder kept the small one safe in his embrace.That’s just a sweet and an endearing sight.

The small boy, as far as he remembered, had a pair of enchanting big rounded eyes; soft dark brown irises, a small cute nose, a plump small reddish lips, and squishy rosy cheeks. He knew it so well, seeing the little boy like seeing his reflection in the mirror, the cute little boy in his dream was Kim Jongin himself when he barely could walk on his short legs and could barely talk; a toddler. Yet Kim Jongin didn’t know who the other boy was, he could only remember how gentle and loving the boy was toward the baby Kim Jongin in his dream. As if he was afraid he would lose Kim Jongin in a second if he couldn’t keep Jongin safe in his short arms.

Have he been a precious one for the small boy Kim Jongin? Kim Jongin himself didn’t know the answer for the unanswered question that his heart kept asking him. One thing that he knew was he called the boy, ‘Woo’. He couldn’t remember about his memories when he was a toddle. It was hard to remember it in such his age without luck.

Jongin buried his face against his palms as he felt his face was getting hotter remembering ‘Woo’ said he loved him even called him with a cute pet name ‘Little Cuppy Cake’. He wasn’t sure about his feeling toward ‘Woo’ now because the one that said he loved him was him when he was a toddler not the fourteen-year-old Kim Jongin.

Yet…

Kim Jongin, he felt it was a yearning, deep in his heart, as the dream kept playing in his dream. There was something ticklish feeling bubbled up in his stomach as he reminded about the dream, about ‘Woo’. And that was a beautiful long-lost dream for Kim Jongin to remember again.

Jongin thought, it must be a sign for him.

“Woo…”

Kim Jongin wondered about him.

 

Kim Jongin liked boys and he loved them. He knew it was totally wrong to love the same ; he was wrong, but his feelings toward them were not; they were pure of love and sincerity. He never regretted he was gay or whatever they would call that he was. And he loved the fact of him being a homoual. Because he knew him was gay was a little gift from God, just a simple miracle for a boy named Kim Jongin to love someone even thought in a different kind of way. He was glad he was different.

Kim Jongin he never knew he was gay or would become one in his life, being a gay guy was out of question, he never asked to be one.

It all started when Jongin was being dragged by one of his girl friends to watch basket match after school after his friend coaxed him that all basket players were undoubtedly handsome—they were Greek Gods. (Jongin just rolled his eyes at the words of they were Greek Gods.) But in the end he said yes and accompanied his friend to watch the match.

And Kim Jongin didn’t regret anything once his gaze met up with a handsome young man that looked exactly like one of Greek Gods. The said young man was inhumanly handsome with his perfect lean and tall body which made him a little standout than the other players, his jawline looked perfect and the important thing was his piercing eyes; that’s just made him looked perfect and flawless in Jongin’s eyes. Jongin had never seen someone has such piercing eyes that could be looked gentle at the same time. 

Kim Jongin found he was blushing as he realized that he had been staring at those eyes with such an intent stare after the said young man he had been staring at was blinking his eyes and smiled a little toward Jongin. Then Jongin looked away to hide his embarrassment and murmured ‘I got caught!’

“His name is Shin Jaewon.”

Jongin snapped his head to his right and frowned, what did his friend just say? Shin Jae-something?

“What?”

A smile turned into a big grin on her small lips, “I know he is so handsome that can make our Princess Jasmine—” she rolled her eyes when Jongin glared at her and murmuring in annoyance about to not call him that nickname ever again, “—stares at him without blinking his eyes in minutes.” Shaking her head with a playful smile on her lips, she leant closer to Jongin and said, “Prince Shin Jaewon is handsome, right, Princess Jasmine?” Then she broke into a joyful laughter, continuously hitting Jongin on the arm, but Jongin didn't protest.

Jongin crossed his arms over his chest, “I was not staring at him and who is Prince Shin Jae-something anyway.” He said so yet his eyes couldn’t lie, it kept following Jaewon’s movement.

“Your prince, Princess Jasmine. And his name is Shin Jaewon. You’ve to remember your own prince’s name, your highness.” She sing-songed. “SHIN JAE.WON” She emphasized every each word along with hand motions.

Jongin turned his gaze to the said Shin Jaewon for a moment yet in a brief second he looked away once his gaze met up with Jaewon’s piercing gaze, and earning a girly giggle from his friend. Jongin rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know that our Kim Jongin can fall in love because he always rejects every girl whom confess their love to him,” gasping, she turned to Jongin whom was glaring at her with his not-so-scaring glare, “Kim Jongin, you reject those girls, is it because you like guys?”

Kim Jongin reminded silent, she didn’t sound like she was mocking him like she always did to him but she sounded gentle with her sweet small smile which she rarely showed to anyone but Kim Jongin.

“I don’t know.” Was all Kim Jongin could utter.

He was not sure about his ual orientation, whether he liked girls nor he liked guys, he completely had no idea about it. He didn’t feel a spark or got a ticklish feeling in stomach as they said when girls were close to him—touching him—or paid their attention toward him with such an adoring gaze, he didn’t feel anything that boys had every girls were near them—had a hot on them. He just felt the warmness and comforting feelings just like a friend to their other friends. Sure, Kim Jongin much prefered to be close with girls because they knew what he was feeling, girls were comforting to be with.

But totally opposite when he was with boys, he sometimes wanted to get their attention just like they always showered girls with it. He wanted to know how it felt when there was a man whom protected him, keeping him safe. He did remember his friend ever said he easily got blush or embarrassed once a boy was talking to him closely or was barely touching him, she said it along with a small nod. He that time just shrugged it off because he was a shy boy, but his friend told him that was not because he was a shy boy and said he had something toward boys, something that was wrong yet felt right to have; love.

“You are gay, Kim Jongin.”

Jongin frowned, he was surprised.

“You don’t like girls, you like guys.”

Jongin opened his mouth to say something but he stopped midway and just looked at his friend whom was smiling at him.

“Am I gay?”

“Are you regretting if you are gay?” She asked back, slightly frowning seeing Jongin’s face grim.

Jongin shook his head lazily, “No, I’m not going to regret myself if I really am gay, maybe that’s just who I am.” Jongin worried his lower lip, saying, “But if I really am gay, what will the other think of me? You know it, right? Gay is taboo in Korea. Gay is …dirty,” he looked away once the last word escaped from his lips.

“Gays are not dirty, they are humans just like the normal people are. The different thing is they love someone in different kinds of way. They have the same chance to love everyone, they also have feelings. Gays are being in love with someone is nothing wrong—nothing hurt, they just need to love and want to show how much they care toward someone they love.” She looked up at the reddish sky then she looked at Jongin, “Doesn’t that sound sweet? Being gay is sweet and being gay is a miracle because they are different, difference is nice. Don’t you think so Kim Jongin?”

Kim Jongin just nodded his head, thinking, he might be gay. He didn’t hate the fact of him being gay he felt everything was so right to him. Nothing wrong, nothing hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kim Jongin learned that day Shin Jaewon was two years older than him which meant he was in high school now, second year. And he admitted that he had a tiny crush on Shin Jaewon since that day.

 

 

 

“May I know your name?”

The voice was gentle and friendly yet it sounded unfamiliar in Jongin’s ears. He immediately stopped his bubble tea.

Jongin hesitantly looked up and met his gaze up with the person whom was calling him just now. His mouth agape a little and in a second the bright pink blush ghosted on his cheeks.

Shin Jaewon. His crush.

Jongin found his heart immediately skipped a beat in his chest as his gaze kept on the latter. Why this person could to be this handsome? It’s blinding.

“Excuse me, who are you?” Baekhyun the first one who asked the stranger in front of them, he had to take the responsibility for his younger brothers. He pouted his thin lips as he realized the stranger was not looking at him but looking into Jongin’s widened eyes.

A giggle left from Baekhyun’s lips as his small eyes caught little Sehun was cutely tugging the hem of stranger’s uniform and asking with his baby voice, “Tall-handsome hyung hyung, who are you?” and who could resist this cute young man? Sure, no one.

Shin Jaewon seemed a bit startled and looked down at Sehun whose eyes were blinking in confusion, then smiled sheepishly. Unknowingly his big hand was ruffling Sehun's soft brown locks. The younger didn't push it away; nuzzling closer into it.

“I’m sorry.”

“Who are you?” Baekhyun asked again. He smiled at the stranger, showing his eye smile. “Considering by your uniform, you’re from M high school, aren’t you?” He gave a gesture to Shin Jaewon to sit beside Sehun, and the said young man did.

“I’m Shin Jaewon and yes, I’m from M high school.”

“What do you want from us?” Baekhyun leant closer toward the table and put his elbows on it, resting his chin on his hands, blinking his eyes for a few times, his feminine side was on once a handsome guy was near him, (he had a kind of of handsome and beautiful people). “I remember, you asked for one of our name.” A sly small smirk on his lips watching both of Shin Jaewon and Kim Jongin were blushing. There must be something happening. “Who? Kim Jongin?” Baekhyun’s slander index finger pointed toward Jongin, directly at Jongin’s blushing face.

Without waiting for so long, Shin Jaewon nodded his head and stole a glance for a second toward Jongin whom was looking at everywhere but him. A soft smile appeared on his face once their gaze met up. Shin Jaewon hesitantly reached for Jongin’s cold hands on the table, he smiled in relief that Jongin’s didn’t resist his touch; the latter was just widening his eyes at him.

“Your name is Kim Jongin?”

Jongin nodded his head slowly, couldn’t utter any word, the way his name sounded in Jaewon’s voice, that’s just, it could make him turn into a puddle of goo. His mind focused on their hands. It would be a lie if Kim Jongin didn’t say that Jaewon’s big hand was incredibly warm and gentle for a basket player like him.

“Kim Jongin, listen, I like you.”

 

 

A tiny crush grew into love and two love birds were blooming with love since that day. Shin Jaewon and Kim Jongin were officially in a relationship.

 

 

But their relationship didn’t last long, three weeks later after they officially became lovers, Shin Jaewon came to Jongin’s house and Jongin was beyond shocked; too worried and too happy seeing his lover was standing through the entrance door while panting heavily.

“…Hyung?”

“Jonginah, there is something I want to talk about, just the two of us. Can we?”

Jongin frowned nonetheless he nodded his head slowly and let his lover in. Did he hear him or or that was just his feeling that Shin Jaewon sounded like he might be broke into crying in a second? Jongin felt his heart was pounding painfully in his chest. What was this feeling? He disliked it.

After had greeted Jongin’s family in the first stair the both of them went to Jongin’s room, Jongin’s parents let them since they knew the boys needed some privacy. (Jongin had introduced Jaewon as his boyfriend ever since they were three days in a relationship. Jongin couldn’t keep a secret that long because he couldn’t tell a lie. And much for Jongin’s surprise his family willingly accepted Shin Jaewon as his lover and he was gay; they relived that he was, they said.)

There was an awkward silence reminded around them, they were sitting side by side on Jongin’s bed. The boys were busy with their own thoughts, Jaewon was staring straight at the wooden floor and Jongin noticed it, his lover’s eyes were red and seemed a little puffy, like he had been crying before coming to his house. What was happening?

Again, Jongin felt a weird feeling in his chest; in his heart. He hated it.

“Jonginah, you know that I love you so much, right?”

Jongin let his lover took his slightly tembling hand. Yet still, his lover refused to make an eye contact with him. Jongin silently mumbled I love you too, under his breath.

Shin Jaewon kissed each finger of Jongin as he whispered ‘I love you, I love you.’

“Hyu—”

“I’m going to move to Canada, Jonginah.”

Jongin swore he heard something break into pieces—his heart.

“When- when are you going?”

“Tomorrow.”

Tomorrow? No, he couldn’t cry right now, not right in front of Jaewon. His lover might think that he was a weak boy that couldn’t let go his lover. He had to stay strong for Jaewon, for his love.

“Why so sudden?” Oh God, his voice was shaking and he might be burst into a crying mess in a minute.

“My parents are getting married next week, and you have known that in Korean men can’t get married. So, Papa and Daddy have decided we move to Canada and stay there. I- I have to go, Jonginah, I really have to although I myself really do not want to. I still want to beside you, to protect you, to love you. I really do love you with all my heart. Jonginah believe me, even though the distance separates us and the fate asks us to not be together anymore. Please remember that I’m still here for you,” Jaewon put his hand on Jongin’s chest; where his heart laid. “I love you Jonginah, really, really love you so please let me go. I don’t want to hurt you, really. Please let me you and go find someone who can stay by your side forever to protect you and to love you not the me that can’t do anything for you.” He chocked his own sob as he wiped Jongin’s tears with his thumbs. “Jonginah, please look at me,” he asked, more sounded like a pleading.

Jongin did and Jaewon smiled.

“I love you.”

A tender kiss on Jongin’s forehead.

“Really love you Kim Jongin.”

Longing kisses he planted on both of Jongin wet cheeks.

“I love you, forever and always.”

They kissed, on the lips; their first and last kiss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

At the end Shin Jaewon and Kim Jongin cried in each other’s embrace while whispering how much they loved toward each other, this was for the last time they shared a moment.

 

The day when Kim Jongin got his first kiss from Jaewon; a sweet, loving and longing kiss they shared, was the day he learned how to let first love go without any regret but with sincerity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five days later after Jaewon's departure, Jongin got a letter, a nicely decorated one with a tiny baby blue ribbon on it. That was from Shin Jaewon. Jongin carefully opened the letter and he found a small smile find its way to tug on his lips.

 

There was a photo in the letter, a family photo, and a pink note.

They looked really happy with their wide smiles, Jongin thought. Jongin caressed where Jaewon was in the photo; Jaewon was standing in between two grown men which Jongin easily recognized they were Shin Jaewon’s parents. They both were kissed his cheeks.

Sighing, Jongin thought that Jaewon had gotten more handsome since the last time they met. Jongin read the pink note, he was nearly burst into tears. He missed Shin Jaewon dearly as he read the neatly handwriting of Shin Jaewon.

 

Jonginah, I hope you are okay there my love. Please be happy and find someone who loves you dearly. I love you, Kim Jongin.

Your truly love,

Shin Jaewon.

P.S I miss you so much

 

Jongin kissed it for twice.

 

 

Jaewon hyung, thanks you for letting me to know how to love someone and gave me a chance to know what love is. I love you too, Hyung, more than you think I do.

 

 

 

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 a/n : part ii, later bb, after I edit it. and sorry for the late update.