The moon in the night sky is illuminating the balcony where I stand, doing nothing but playing nervously with the container in my hands. My sight pass from the blue pills to the sky, where I try to find some stars, but it seems that I can only look at this immense emptyness. But again, I'm used to it.

Everytime I had try to find something to hang up to, to find just one little star in all this nothingness that could save me from all this hate. This hate I have for myself. This hate I can't get rid of.

For the nth time, I just stare at the sky to find answers to my unresolved questions. If I leave this world, what will remain of me? Will I leave something behind me? Will someone even bother to come to my funerals? Or am I just another worthless person who didn't do anything to help this planet go better? Will people remember me, or will I be just another far memory that has no importance at all? For the nth time, I search for answers that I know will never come.
 

But this time, as opposed to every other time, is different. Before, I always had reasons to continue to search answers.
 

First, there was Joonie hyung, my first love. He came into my life just when I wanted to give up on my life, and managed to make me enjoy life again. I guess I'll neve forget that cold winter day, when we were playing in the snow and he suddenly kissed me for the first time. At that time, I truly thought that life was worth it. I wanted nothing more but to be with Lee ChangSun forever. 
 

But of course, that could only happen in my dream. I had almost forgot how wothless I was and how much I hated myself when one day, I woke up and he wasn't by my side. On the place he should have been, there was only a note that I wish I would never had to read. 
 

"Cheolyong

I'm really sorry to leave you this way. It's better this way, I swear. I've found somebody else Cheolyong. I'm sorry. I guess we weren't meant to be. 
Dob't try to call me, I won't answer. Live your life Cheolyong. You deserve better than me.
 
                                                                                                                                                        ChangSun"
 

Honestly, I did thought of calling him after that. Although I was in tear, still shocked by the small note, I really wanted to call him. But I didn't. Something inside me told me it wouldn't change anything. I was worthless any way, and Joon had realized that. What made me not call was also because I knew he deserved better. He deserved to be happy with someone beautiful and cheerful. And that person wasn't me.
 

After that, I looked more often at the sky, still in quest for answers to unreasonable questions. As more time passed by, And as my questions remained unanswered, I grew more and more tired of life. 
 

That is when I met them. SeungHo, Byunghee and Sanghyun came into my life, just like ChangSun, exactly when I wanted to give up. They taught me what real friendship was. With them, it was as if everything was right. I couldn't be wrong. And when I realized that they had problems way worst than mines, yet they were still able to smile and to laugh freely, I saw what I had never seen before, not ven with Joonie hyung. I saw that life was worth it. That even the worst problems could not stay unresolved forever. 
 

What happened next, I still don't quiet understand. I just know that the more time passed, the more I enjoyed passing alone time with SeungHo. He was like a brother at first, but then it grew into something more. And that something more is what bought the hate back. 
 

It was as if he couldn't notice me. All the times I tried to take his attention, he would only think of it as friendship. But for me it was something more. And the fact that he couldn't realize it was killing me.
 

So I came back to my balcony, looking at the night sky, wondering what would be left of me if I leave this world. Not much I guess. It might not be the first time I come here, holding my blue pills, but this time is the real time. This time, I won't back up. I take the pills out of the container and I count them. 1...2...3...4... it goes on like that until I reach 15. It must be enough, no? Well, not that I really care...
 

As I'm putting the pills up to my mouth I hear a knock at the door and someone enters my apartment. Probably SeungHo, he's my coloc, he clearly has the key. But I told him I was out, he won't look for me. Not until tomorrow morning. I don't think he will even come into my room, so I can continue what I started. 
 

That is how, thinking about nothing but the one I love, I swallowed the pills one by one. I waited not too long before I felt numb. 
 

I looked one last time at the night sky, seeing nothing but emptyness, tasting nothing bu the acidity of the pills, smelling nothing but the fresh air of the night, touching nothing but the container and the remaining pills. But instead of listening to nothing but the criquets, I listened to a door which was pulled open and a voice, obviously panicked, screaming something.
 

"CheolYong-ah! Don't leave me! I love you!"
 

It's weird, my after-life is making me hear things I always wanted to hear... 

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Well here it is :) didn't end up like I wanted, but still, I had to write this ^^ hope you enjoyed ^^